


All Of Me

by WhyDoIWrite



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Crossover, F/F, Homophobia, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Relationship, Lesbian Sex, Masturbation, Maybe she’s got a little praise kink, NWSL, Oral Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Shower Sex, Strap on sex, Strap-Ons, Tokyo 2020 Summer Olympics, USWNT, USWNT Jan camp, holidays with the fam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2020-10-12 23:14:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 57
Words: 125,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20572523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDoIWrite/pseuds/WhyDoIWrite
Summary: Lindsey’s boyfriend has forced her to choose between her relationship with him and her friendship with Sonnett. She is angered by his accusations that she cares about Sonnett more than him, until she realizes he may be right.What they have isn’t a slow burn - it’s confusion and anger, and then it’s electric.  It’s years of want built up that they finally have given themselves permission to act on.But it’s definitely not all easy.





	1. You’re Gonna Make Me Choose?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey’s boyfriend is an idiot if he really thinks she would ever pick him over her best friend.

  
“Fuck you, Lindsey! I’m sick of it! You already spend more time with her than me. You’re more affectionate with her than with me. You look more in love with her than with me. Everyone sees it,” Russell yelled through the phone.  
It was Friday evening. Lindsey was back in Portland after the USWNT victory tour game against Portugal. Her boyfriend was angry that she had gone back to Portland instead of home to Colorado to visit him. Now, he had moved on to yelling at her about how close she was to Emily Sonnett. He had seen some fan videos on social media of them joking around at open training, touching, dancing, holding hands. Pretty normal for them honestly. Lindsey was over his recent insecurity, and she let him know.  
“Get over it Russell. You know that’s just how we are. And you know it means nothing. It’s funny. It’s just for social media,” Lindsey responded, without yelling, but with annoyance creeping up in her voice.  
“I don’t care if you two are joking. It doesn’t look like you’re joking and I’m done with my friends telling me that my girlfriend is a lesbian! Or that you’re cheating on me!”  
“Well you know that I’ve never cared about what anyone thinks, so you’re just going to have to let it go!”  
“I didn’t ask if you cared about what people think. I care what people think, Lindsey. I care! I’m done!”  
“Like you’re breaking up with me?” Lindsey, still annoyed, laughed.  
“See, this is what I’m talking about. You’re laughing. You don’t get it. It’s not funny. No, Lindsey, I’m not talking about us breaking up. I’m done like as in I’m not going to allow it anymore. You need to stay away from her for the rest of the season and then request to be traded or released in the expansion draft. Let Press come to Portland so she can be with Tobin. Go to Utah and be closer to home. And stay away from Emily Sonnett in the US camps. Hopefully she won’t make the roster anyway with only 18 players going to the Olympics.”  
Lindsey tried to remain calm, but she was anything but calm. She was seething. “You want me to choose between you and Sonnett? Is that what you’re asking me?”  
“It’s not exactly a choice, Lindsey. It’s pretty obvious.” Russell was the one who was annoyed now.  
“No, that’s what you’re asking. You’re telling me to stay away from one of my best friends in the whole world because of your fragile male ego. Because you think what, Sonny’s going to turn me gay? Your insecurity isn’t my problem. Fuck you! I’m not requesting a trade. I’m not moving out. I’m not going to stay away from Sonnett. And fuck you for saying she probably won’t even make the team!” Lindsey was full-on yelling now, loud enough for her housemates to hear it. She didn’t care.  
“Then we are done,” Russell shouted back. “Go ahead and throw away 4 years for what? Emily Sonnett?” He laughed cruelly. “Have a nice fucking life with your dyke best friend. You’re a bitch. You always have been.”  
The line went dead. Lindsey had tears streaming down her face, but they were more out of anger than sadness. At only 25, she wasn’t always the best at standing up for herself, but when it came to her friends, especially Sonnett, she wasn’t going to back down. She knew that in life, friendships would come and go, but her friendship with Sonnett was for life. And besides, just based on principle, she wasn’t going to let Russell tell her who she could spend time with and who she couldn’t. Especially when he had nothing to worry about. Nothing had ever happened between the two teammates.   
Lindsey stormed inside, slamming the sliding glass door. Ellie tried to talk to her. “Lindsey?” she said, timidly. Lindsey ignored her and continued walking to her bedroom, slamming that door too.  
Caitlin, Ellie, and Emily all looked at each other, and simultaneously, Caitlin and Ellie said, “Not it!” nominating Sonnett to be the one to go check on her friend. “You can make her laugh more than anyone else,” Caitlin reasoned.  
“I don’t think anyone can make her laugh right now,” Emily said, shaking her head. Emily knew it was a bad idea, and she was dreading being berated by Lindsey too, but she knew she didn’t really have a choice. Friends always check on each other, even when they know they’re going to get yelled at for it. That’s just what you do. You sacrifice and become the verbal punching bag in the moment. She got up slowly off the couch and walked towards Lindsey’s room, opening the door as silently as possible. It was dark. She saw the form of Lindsey’s body curled up on the bed. Emily sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, resting her hand on Lindsey’s arm. Lindsey jerked away immediately, as if she had been burned by Emily’s touch. Emily pulled back, shocked. “Linds, what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper.  
“Nothing,” Lindsey said angrily. “Leave me alone, Sonnett.”  
“Linds...” Sonnett pleaded, trailing off.  
She was interrupted by Lindsey, half sitting up as she yelled, “I said fucking leave me alone!”  
Sonnet dropped her head, tears in her eyes. She was glad Lindsey’s room was dark so she couldn’t see. “Ok Linds. Ok. You know where to find me.” Emily left the room, wiping her eyes as she walked back into their living room. “Well that went well, guys,” she said to her roommates.

Emily sat back down and watched a little TV with Ellie and Caitlin, but she wasn’t really paying attention; she was worried about Lindsey. After a while, she got up to take a shower and decided to go to bed earlier than normal. For some reason, which she couldn’t understand, it hurt her so much more when Lindsey was mad at her than when anyone else was.  
In her room, Lindsey was crying again, but this time because she felt so miserable for yelling at Sonnett. She knew Emily didn’t deserve that, but she wasn’t ready to face her friend yet. Instead, she lay silently in her bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to justify to herself that she only loved Sonnett like a friend and that Sonnett’s friendship was absolutely worth more than her relationship with Russell. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. She crawled out of bed and padded down the hall to Emily’s room. She opened the door silently, easily making her way across Emily room in the complete darkness. She had crawled into Emily’s bed so many times in the middle of the night that she had the layout of her room memorized. Trying not to wake her friend up, she slid under the covers, her body fitting perfectly against Emily’s in the space on the right side of the bed.  
Emily immediately lifted her arm and wrapped it around Lindsey. She pulled Lindsey close, breathing in the scent of her hair, and she squeezed Lindsey’s hand. All was forgiven as far as Emily was concerned. She couldn’t stay mad at Lindsey if she wanted to. But still, she felt the need to apologize for bothering her earlier. “I’m sorry, Linds,” she whispered in the dark.


	2. We Can Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily is devastated that she might be the reason why Lindsey’s relationship has ended.

“No, Sonny, I’m the one who should apologize. Russell broke up with me, but I had no business taking it out on you. I’m so sorry, Son,” Lindsey’s voice cracked as she silently begged Emily to forgive her. Lindsey pulled Emily’s arm around her even tighter, so tight she could hardly breathe. The pressure made her feel better.  
“What do you mean he broke up with you? That’s ridiculous. You two are so good.” Sonnett was genuinely upset for Lindsey. She wanted to sit up and look at Lindsey’s face, but Lindsey was holding her hand too tightly for her to move.  
“You want the short version?” Lindsey asked. “He’s jealous. Of us.”

“Us?” Emily was confused.  
“He said that I love you more than I love him and that I’m more affectionate with you. He said all of his friends joke with him about how I’m cheating on him. With you. Because we’re always holding hands and touching and whatnot,” Lindsey explained.  
It was Emily’s turn to jerk away from Lindsey this time, as shame washed over her, but Lindsey just rolled over to face her instead. “That’s ridiculous,” Emily said, her cheeks flushing. Again, she was thankful for the darkness. “This isn’t worth breaking up over. We’ll fix it Linds. This is an easy fix. We can just stop joking around like we do. Or at least outside of here. It’s no big deal. Really. Y’all can’t break up. You can’t. Not because of something I did. I’m sorry. Lindsey, I’m sorry.” Sonnett was rambling now, panic rising in her voice.  
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore tonight.” Emily could hear the exhaustion in Lindsey’s voice. “But let’s just say that after what Russell said, there’s no fixing it. It’s not about you, or about me and you. This isn’t your fault. I promise.”  
There was no way Lindsey was going to be able to convince Emily of that though. Emily kept the distance between them, staring at Lindsey’s face in the dark. She looked so drained, but surprisingly calm considering what had happened. “We can talk in the morning, Linds. But what can I do to help tonight?” Emily wasn’t used to feeling helpless. She was a helper. She always made things better, for anyone and everyone, even if she had to use humor to do it. But this wasn’t the time for her to crack a joke.  
“I just want you to hold me,” Lindsey said, sleepily. “I don’t want to be alone.”  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Emily was hesitant. She didn’t make a move towards Lindsey. “You can stay in here, but...” Emily trailed off.  
“Nothing is going to change because of this, Sonnett. We’re us. Russell isn’t going to change us.” Realizing that Emily wasn’t going to move, Lindsey scooted towards her, tucking her head under Sonnett’s chin. “I can’t argue with you too, tonight.”  
Emily felt conflicted. Sure, every once in awhile, she thought she felt something for Lindsey, but she always pushed it down. Way down. Lindsey was the most important person in the world to her, and she wasn’t about to do anything that could damage that friendship. Ever. Their cuddling and hand-holding and kisses on the cheeks were all in good fun. _Everyone needs physical contact in their lives,_ Emily had always told herself. She was single, Lindsey’s boyfriend was in another state. They were just touchy people. It didn’t mean they had feelings for each other. Reluctantly, Emily threw her arm over Lindsey, but it felt different, in a way that Emily didn’t like.  
“Thanks, Sonny,” Lindsey muttered. “I just can’t be alone tonight.” She started to drift off to sleep, taking comfort in Emily’s arms, but she could have sworn she heard Emily whisper, “You’ll never be alone, Linds.”


	3. But First, Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was there something more there all along, maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screw the age difference, Caitlin and Ellie are gonna be together in this, too.

Lindsey squinted at the sunlight streaming through Emily’s blinds. She had slept hard, but she felt like she had been hit by a truck. Her eyes were puffy from crying, her head was pounding, her body ached. But she was lying there, head resting on Emily’s arm, and that seemed to make things a little better. Emily always made everything better. When she was going through something, like being benched for so much of the World Cup, it was Emily she went to, not Russell. But why? How was Emily able to create such a sense of peace for her that no one else could. And what did it mean that every time she was with Emily, things just felt...right? Natural? Calming? She had never been an affectionate person until she met Emily, and then she was drawn to her like a magnet. She never wanted to be away from her. And that turned into little touches, and cuddling. But Lindsey had never even considered that she was gay. She had been with Russell for four years. Yet last night... last night it was so easy to let him go. She was mad at the things he said, not at the loss itself. Did that mean something? She would choose Emily over him 100 times out of 100. She turned towards her friend, tipping her head up to try to see Emily’s face. She was awake, and she looked down at Lindsey almost timidly.

Emily hadn’t really slept much at all. Her mind was racing with what felt like a million thoughts, all night long. Every time she started to fall asleep, her worry jerked her back awake. _Do I have feelings for Lindsey? Does Lindsey have feelings for me? She couldn’t. She not even gay. So then how can I make myself not have feelings for her? Was this my fault? It was, no matter what Lindsey said, right? Right. Our antics have to stop. Lindsey has to go back to Russell. I could apologize to Russell for my role in everything. That would make it better. I have to stop touching Lindsey. No more holding hands. No more raspberries. Or kisses on the cheek. But it feels so...right? Normal? So much like home? What if I lose my best friend? I always lose people. I’m cursed. But I can’t lose Lindsey. I wouldn’t survive that. But why does Lindsey always touch me like that? Always lay on me and with me? In the locker room. On the couch when we’re watching TV. Now. Lindsey doesn’t want to lose me either. She’s even said we’re a package deal. And she chose me over Russell. She chose me. She shouldn’t have chosen me._ Emily’s shoulder hurt so bad all night, but she didn’t dare move it because she didn’t want to wake Lindsey up. But she finally felt Lindsey stir, and looked down at her. She stared straight into Lindsey’s eyes, those big, beautiful blue-gray eyes, and she felt her breath catch in her throat.

Lindsey spoke first, but her throat felt so dry. “I’m ready to talk about it Sonnett. About last night.”

“You don’t have to Linds,” Emily said, softly.

“It’s ok. I want to. Really. But I’m going to need coffee first.”

“Do you want to go somewhere?” Emily asked?

“Honestly, no. I don’t really feel like it,” Lindsey replied.

“Well, what if you take a shower and I’ll go get coffee for us. And then we’ll talk,” Emily suggested.

“That sounds nice, Em,” Lindsey said appreciatively. “You’re so good to me.”

Emily laughed. “Nah, this isn’t about you. Between me having to worry all night that my arm would have to be amputated due to loss of circulation and your snoring, I didn’t sleep. I NEED coffee.”

Lindsey pushed her playfully. “I don’t snore!”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Emily smirked back.

Both women rolled out of bed. Lindsey headed to the bathroom, and Emily headed to the front of their house. When she walked into the living room, Ellie and Caitlin were cuddling on the couch, holding hands while looking at Ellie’s phone. Emily felt a twinge in her heart. It was the exact same way she and Lindsey would cuddle and hold hands, except Caitlin and Ellie were together and she and Lindsey were not.

“How ya goin’?” Caitlin asked.

“I’m fine,” Emily reassured. “She’s doing surprisingly... ok, I think. She smiled this morning. I’m going to get her coffee. Have y’all eaten or had coffee?”

“No, we decided to wait a tick to see what you were going to do,” Caitlin replied.

“She doesn’t want to go out right now, but we might be able to welcome her back to the land of the living later. I’m just glad we’re off today. Do y’all want me to bring something back for breakfast?”

“I’ll come with you,” Ellie interjected, helpfully. “Too much to carry for take away.” She got up off the couch and kissed Caitlin, slipped on her slides, and headed to the door, following Emily.

“I love how you don’t even ask me what I want to order anymore,” Caitlin said with a huge smile.

“If you think it’s because I know you so well, you’re wrong,” Ellie retorted. “You’re brekkie order’s too easy. I’m tempted to surprise you with something new so you’re not all old and boring.”

“Fine with me,” Caitlin shot back. “Clearly, you have good taste.”

In that moment, Emily was keenly aware that she wanted with Lindsey what Caitlin and Ellie had. And she immediately shoved that feeling down. “Oh my God, you two. I can’t with this before I’ve had my coffee,” Emily said, feigning disgust. “Let’s go.”


	4. Do You Come Here Often?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily meets someone. Which just might be preferable to dealing with her feelings for her best friend.

  
By the time Emily and Ellie returned, Lindsey was out of the shower and curled under a blanket on the couch. “Come on, let’s go eat out on the deck,” Emily suggested, hoping fresh air would do Lindsey some good. Lindsey grumbled, but got up, and followed the trio outside. Lindsey sipped her coffee but poked at her smoothie bowl. “C’mon, Linds,” Emily urged, nudging her friend. Lindsey saw the concern in Emily’s eyes and decided that she could force herself to eat. She had just asked for coffee, but Emily had been thoughtful enough to bring her something to eat too, so she figured she owed her at least an attempt to eat it.  
As they finished up their breakfasts, Caitlin asked Lindsey and Emily if they wanted to go to the farmers’ market, but Lindsey said she wasn’t up to it and Emily said she wanted to stay with Lindsey. Lindsey went back inside and curled up on the couch again. Emily sat near Lindsey’s feet, waiting for Lindsey to speak first. She didn’t. Finally, Emily broke and asked, “Will you tell me exactly what happened?”  
Lindsey sighed, “I basically already did last night. There’s not much else to tell. Russell wanted me to stop hanging around you completely. I’m not going to let anyone tell me what to do, so I told him that if he wanted to try to make me choose, I’d choose you. For no other reason than he’s telling me to and I’m not going to let anyone tell me who I can be friends with.”  
Friends. The word stung when Emily heard it. “But you know he’s going to come around, Linds. It was just a stupid fight. When he realizes what he lost, he’ll come back, apologize, and not make you choose. All will be right with the world.”  
“No. It won’t be. I don’t care if he begs me to forgive him. I can’t. He said some really horrible things, Sonny, about both of us. He can’t take that back.”  
“People say things when they’re mad; they don’t always mean them. Russell's such a sweet guy. Whatever he said, I’m sure you can forgive him.”  
“Em, why are you so concerned about me forgiving Russell?” Lindsey asked, confused. Emily was quiet until Lindsey poked her with her foot. “It’s my fault,” she said quietly. I’m the reason he feels like he does. I’m the reason he broke up with you. And I can fix it Lindsey, I just need to apologize to him. It’s my fault for making him feel like this, so please, let me fix it.”  
“It’s not your fault. And it’s not that easy. He doesn’t want me living in this house with you. He doesn’t want us playing on the same team. He wants me to request a trade. He said he hopes you don’t make the Olympic roster so we can’t spend time together.”  
Emily was horrified, but she didn’t say anything. The thought of Lindsey playing in a different city than her, of them not playing together on the national team, was just too much to bear. She needed Lindsey in her life, and the thought of not having her there terrified Emily. But the thought of being the reason why her best friend’s relationship ended troubled her almost as much.  
Lindsey sat up and grabbed Emily’s hand; Emily jerked it away immediately. “Son...” Lindsey trailed off.  
Emily jumped up off the couch and moved to the other side of the room, sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. She couldn’t be near Lindsey right then. There were just too many emotions. Emily buried her hands in her head. Lindsey stared at her, but Emily wouldn’t make eye contact. “Please come back over here,” Lindsey begged. In that moment, all Lindsey wanted was for Emily to hug her, to be able to hug Emily back. She’d give anything to feel Emily’s touch. But her friend had physically moved herself as far away as she could without leaving the room.  
Emily just shook her head. She couldn’t go back over there because for the first time since she and Lindsey had become such close friends, Lindsey was single. The realization made Emily think about the possibility of being with Lindsey, except that possibility would never be a reality, and it broke her heart. All of a sudden, the thought of cuddling or holding hands took on a new meaning for Emily, and it brought pain instead of the usual comfort. She just wanted to get out of their house and away from Lindsey. “I need to get out of here, I need to breathe,” Emily said, getting up off the floor. The desire to walk across the room and kiss Lindsey, to make things better, to tell her that she would never hurt her like Russell did, overwhelmed her. Except she couldn’t say any of those things and it was causing panic to rise in her chest.

“I have to go, I have to go,” Emily kept mumbling as she pulled her shoes on, found her phone, and grabbed her keys. Lindsey watched helplessly as Emily walked out the door. She fell back down on the couch in a heap, crying. This time the tears were from sadness and pain, not rage like the night before. It felt like Emily had broken her heart when she walked out the door.

Emily ran her hands through her hair as she walked away from their home. She was shaking. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail and began jogging, feeling the need to get away father, faster, as if she could outrun her feelings. Running, voluntarily, on her day off was something Emily would never do, but right then, it felt like all she could do.

She ran down to the river, and along it, clocking over 5 miles before she realized she still had to turn around at some point and go home. She stopped and looked out at the water, choosing to sit by it instead of going home. She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there when she realized there was the presence of someone else in her vicinity. She looked over she shoulder and saw a beautiful, dark-haired woman doing yoga slightly behind her and off to the left. The woman caught her eye and Emily looked down immediately.Emily turned back towards the water.She was intrigued by the stranger, but her mind was on Lindsey.She feared she had ruined their friendship, running out on her.When Lindsey was going through it, Emily had made it about herself. She wanted to kick herself for that.

Lost in her thoughts, Emily didn’t even notice the stranger approaching her until she stood in front of Emily, blocking the sun. Emily looked up and the woman flashed a smile. She was even more beautiful than Emily had realized at first. “You look familiar,” the woman said, cocking her head to the side. Emily looked up at her, dumbfounded, and shrugged.The woman proceeded to carry the conversation, since Emily didn’t take the opening. “Soccer player, right?”Emily nodded. “Also a woman of few words, I see.”This caused Emily to crack just a hint of a smile. “There we go,” the woman laughed, sitting down next to Emily, crossing her legs, and leaning back.

Finally, Emily found her voice, “Do you come here often?” she asked trying to be smooth but unable to keep a straight face. 

“Is that your best pick-up line?” the woman joked.

“What? No - I, I’m not...” Emily was flustered. 

“I do, actually. Every weekend.It’s the perfect quiet place to do yoga without being bothered. But today, you were blocking my view of the water.”

“I’m - I’m sorry,” Emily stammered. 

“Eh, the view might have been improved by your presence.”

Emily blushed. “I’m Emily,” she said, sticking out her hand.

“Cam,” the woman replied, taking Emily’s hand. “You seem to be deep in thought today.I’m happy to go if I’m bothering you.”

“No, no, it’s ok. You don’t have to,” Emily assured her. 

“Well then, would you consider getting a coffee with me?” Cam asked.

Emily was taken aback by the woman’s boldness. “Yeah, ok,” she said. That was lame, she thought. Be funny!But she couldn’t think of anything funny. Her mind was swirling between the beautiful, confident woman in front of her and the thought of Lindsey back home.

The two women walked down the path back out to the street and to a nearby coffee shop, where they ordered at took a seat at a small table in the back corner. Cam again carried the conversation, and Emily struggled to focus. God, I sure am blowing this, she thought to herself, trying harder. 

After finishing their coffees, Cam looked across the table at Emily. “Maybe this is presumptuous of me,” she said, “but would you consider going to dinner with me sometime?I’d like to get to know you better.” 

Emily was shocked. “Yeah, yes. I’d like that.”She gave Cam her number and said, “We’ve got an away game Friday, but I’ll be back Sunday, if that works for you.”Emily felt the need for distance between now and their date because she still needed to deal with what was going on between her and Lindsey. 

“That sounds perfect,” Cam smiled. _God, she had a great smile, _Emily thought. “I’ll text you.”

“Ok,” Emily replied. “Thanks for the coffee.”She smiled and waved as she walked out of the cafe. She was too exhausted, mostly emotionally, to run home, so she got an Uber. Staring out the window in a daze, she didn’t even realize when she had arrived home until the driver had to turn around and wave in her face to get her attention. She apologized and rushed out of the car, up the stairs, and into her house. She meekly smiled at Lindsey and gave a half wave as she made her way to take a shower. _God, what am I going to tell her_? Emily thought.


	5. Best Friend Love is the Best Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin gives Lindsey some advice.

Over the next few days leading up to the game, Emily kept her distance from Lindsey. She didn’t sit on her lap in the locker room before training. They didn’t walk around training holding hands and swinging their arms like children.The couple of times Emily had gone out to a restaurant with Lindsey and other teammates, she sat as far from her as possible. She didn’t even watch TV with her housemates for fear of Lindsey cuddling up to her on the couch. It all made her heart ache more. She missed her best friend, but there was something deeper that she missed too. She tried to reason that it was just a level of comfort that she was missing, nothing more. But even Emily’s teammates had noticed the difference, and not just Caitlin and Ellie, who had kept quiet about their observations. 

Tobin noticed too. She had known Lindsey for a long time and she was keenly aware of the pain on Lindsey’s face everyday at training. She pulled Lindsey aside one day after they had finished a session and said, “Come on, we’re going to get a coffee.”

“Tobin, I don’t really feel like it,” Lindsey protested. 

“Which is exactly why we’re going,” Tobin insisted. 

In the coffee shop, Lindsey wouldn’t make eye contact with Tobin. Over the past few days, with Emily’s very noticeable absence, she was finally coming to terms with what her feelings meant, but she didn’t want to acknowledge it aloud.Finally, Tobin asked, “I know you and Russell broke up, but what’s going on with you and Sonnett?”R “Nothing,” Lindsey said sharply. And she felt justified that she wasn’t lying. Other than being cordial to her when necessary, Emily hadn’t spoken to her at all.

“It’s not nothing, Linds,” Tobin pressed. She wasn’t going to let Lindsey off that easily. 

“Russell broke up with me because of Sonnett,” Lindsey said, staring down at her coffee cup. “Because he was jealous of what we have, of all of our playful affection.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Tobin nodded.“I’d be pissed if Christen played around with someone like you two do.”

Lindsey’s eyes shot up at Tobin. Had she just said that Russell was justified in being angry at her? Tobin picked up on Lindsey’s expression. “Look, I’m not blaming you, either of you, it’s just been clear for a long time that you two love each other. You’re in love with each other. You have been for years.”

“Sonnett is not in love with me,” Lindsey shook her head, dropping eye contact again. 

Tobin was keenly aware that Lindsey hadn’t protested about Tobin’s assertion that Lindsey was also in love with Emily. “Aw, Linds,” Tobin said kindly, reaching across the table for Lindsey’s hand.“Babe, she is. She is so in love with you. She would do anything for you, anything to make you happy.”

Lindsey looked back at Tobin with tears in her eyes that threatened to spill over onto her cheeks. “She’s never said anything to me.Or to you I bet. She’d do anything for me because we’re best friends. And she is always trying to make everyone happy, that’s just Sonny.”

“No, Lindsey,” Tobin said seriously. “She looks at you the same way I looked at Christen when I was too afraid to tell her that I was head over heels for her. I see the way she steals glances when you’re not looking. I see the expression on her face when she watches you talk. And the way she touches you.”Tears were quietly slipping down Lindsey’s cheeks now. “I know you’re in love with her too, Lindsey.” 

“I can’t be,” Lindsey sniffled, shaking her hanging head. “I’m not - I can’t be...” she trailed off.

“Gay?” Tobin asked laughing?“Why the hell not?”

“Well yes, that. My family, they’d...” Lindsey didn’t finish her sentence.“But more importantly, I can’t be in love with my best friend. It will ruin everything.”

“I wouldn’t worry about your family Linds,” Tobin reassured her. “And you absolutely can be in love with your best friend. In fact, I think that’s the best kind of love. Could it ruin your friendship? Sure, maybe, but I seriously doubt it. It could also be the greatest thing you’ve ever had in your life. When you have the chance for that kind of love, you always take it. You have to tell her. As smooth as Sonnett tries to be, she’s not going to make the first move because she is afraid you’re straight. She’s afraid you’ll reject her. And she’s afraid of ruining your friendship. You need to tell her. Today. Before we leave for Utah.”

“I can’t. Not before the game. I’ll tell her after.”

“No, it needs to be before. We don’t need to play a game with you two in this bad headspace,” Tobin insisted. “Promise me you’ll tell her today.” Lindsey nodded obediently, but didn’t say anything.


	6. I Met a Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey grows some balls. And instantly regrets it.

Back at their home that night, the four housemates sat down at their table for dinner before heading to Utah in the morning. Lindsey was watching Emily, noticing how she was so distracted by her phone. Lindsey assumed it was just Emily’s way of trying to avoid any conversation. Taking a deep breath, Lindsey summoned all of her courage and leaned over towards Emily. “Can I please talk to you after dinner?” she asked.

Emily searched Lindsey’s face for some hint of what was going on, but all she saw was the same tortured pain that had been their for the past few days, the pain that Emily didn’t understand because Lindsey assured her she was at peace with her break up. She nodded in response, before focusing again on her phone.

Finally, halfway through the meal, Caitlin said jokingly, trying to break the tension, “Hey Son, you haven’t been able to put your phone down for more than two seconds. What gives? Do you have a girlfriend you’re not telling us about?”

At the same time, both Lindsey’s and Emily’s heads jerked up towards Caitlin. “What? No, I mean, not really, but maybe kind of?I don’t know,” Emily stumbled over her words. Caitlin’s eyes widened; she certainly wasn’t expecting that response.

Lindsey’s head whipped towards Emily. She felt her throat become suddenly dry and then tighten making it almost impossible to swallow. Her eyes stung and she knew immediately that she had to hold her tears back until she was out of Emily’s sight.

“I met a girl the other day when I was out,” Emily continued tentatively. “We’ve been texting. She asked me to have dinner with her.I think we’re going to go out on Sunday.”

Lindsey pushed her chair back from the table with as much control as she could muster, got up, and walked to her room. Emily looked from Caitlin to Ellie, confused. “You need to go talk to her,” Ellie said.

Emily got up from the table and walked to Lindsey’s room. She turned the knob, finding that it was locked. She couldn’t remember a single time that Lindsey had ever locked her bedroom door.Emily knocked softly. No response. She knocked louder, but still received nothing back from Lindsey.

Inside her room, Lindsey was curled under her covers with tears silently pouring down her face as the realization hit her that she had waited too long to tell Emily how she felt about her. She had missed her chance and now some other girl was going to have Emily’s heart, leaving Lindsey with nothing. No Russell, and no Emily as a partner or apparently a friend either.

Emily shuffled back to the table and sat down. She was still confused. “What’s wrong? What did I do?” she asked.

Caitlin and Ellie looked at each other and finally Caitlin spoke up.“Son, she’s in love with you.”

“She told you that?” Sonnett asked.

“No, of course not. I don’t even know if she fully recognizes it. But she is. It’s so obvious.” 

“Because she let Russell break up with her without putting up a fight?Is that why you think this?” Emily questioned.

“No,” Ellie chimed in. “Do you not see how she looks at you? She lights up anytime you walk into a room, anytime you touch her. She seeks you out for comfort, when she’s nervous Or upset, and you’re the first one she goes to when she’s happy.”

“No,” Emily argued, “that’s just how we’ve always been, we play around. It doesn’t mean anything to her.”

“Well if that’s how she’s always been around you, then she’s always been in love with you,” Caitlin explained. “You cannot be so oblivious that you haven’t noticed how miserable she’s been since whatever it was went down between you two the other night.You’ve been avoiding her and she’s crushed.”

“And now you broke her heart,” Ellie chimed in again.

“Not helpful, El,” Caitlin shook her head. Ellie shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

Emily stared at both of them in disbelief. Were they right? Could she have been right when she thought for a second that maybe there was something between them?How could she have been so stupid to ignore it?

She was brought back to the present by Caitlin’s voice. “Are you in love with her too?” she pried.

“I - I - I - “ Emily couldn’t find her words.

“So that’s a yes,” Ellie interjected.

“No! Yes! I don’t know,” Emily buried her head in her hands. “She’s my best friend. I can’t be.”

“Well if that isn’t the most absurd reason I’ve ever heard for why you can’t be in love with someone, I don’t know what is!” Caitlin was incredulous. “Stop making excuses, Sonnett.“

Just then, Emily’s phone vibrated. She looked down.It was Tobin.

Tobs:What the hell did you do to Lindsey?!?She’s hysterical.She can’t even tell me what’s wrong, she’s just crying.

Sonnett:I didn’t do anything!She won’t talk to me.

Tobs:What happened?Tell me everything.

Sonnett: We were eating dinner. Caitlin asked if I was on my phone because I was texting my girlfriend so much. All I said was yes, kind of.

Tobs:Kind of like you kind of have a girlfriend? Damnit Sonnett!I’m coming to get her.

Sonnett:What?Why?

Tobs:Because she’s not ok! She was finally going to tell you that she’s in love with you and now she can’t because you met someone else!


	7. The Game Was A Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THAT game. You know the one. The one that fucked up the universe.

Emily sat down on the floor, her back leaning against the couch, completely at a loss for what to do. She sat there, unmoving, until their front door opened, and Tobin burst through. As Emily started to get up, Tobin said, “Don’t bother. You’ve done enough tonight. Look, Sonnett, we all love you and think the world of you, and you’re a goofball and that’s great, but this playing dumb thing, that’s fucking bullshit. You were too scared to take a chance, too scared to put yourself out there, so you went and fucked things up so  you wouldn’t get hurt, and now she’s the one who’s hurt.”

Emily looked at the floor. “I didn’t mean to, Tobin. It’s just, I can’t have her break my heart. I can’t lose her. I can get over a lot, but I’d never get over losing Lindsey.”

Tobin was in her face now, and poked her in the shoulder, hard. “That. That right there. You could have just said that to her instead of picking up some chick to distract you from your feelings. You’re not a child, Sonnett. Use your words.” Tobin turned on her heel and headed towards Lindsey’s room. Knocking quietly, she only had to wait a few moments for Lindsey to let her in.

Tobin sat on the edge of Lindsey’s bed and held her hand. “I’m sorry, Linds, this was my fault. I’m the one who told you to take a chance. It wasn’t my place.”

“It’s not your fault,” Lindsey replied. It’s mine. “I waited too long to tell her how I felt. Or maybe it’s my fault for falling for her in the first place. Either way, this isn’t because of you.”

“It’s because of Sonnett,” Tobin said emphatically. “This is her fault.”

Lindsey cracked a half smile. “What am I supposed to do now?” Lindsey asked, her voice cracking.

“Tonight, you sleep. We’ll deal with this tomorrow or the next day. But not tonight when emotions are so raw,” Tobin said gently.

“But nothing is going to make this better. I can’t even stand to look at my best friend anymore. It hurts my heart. It physically hurts. We’ll never be the same again. How am I supposed to play on the same team as her? I’ve ruined everything. I should have kept my mouth shut.” Lindsey sounded so dejected.

“I don’t know how this is going to go. I don’t know if Sonnett will come around. I don’t know how to tell you to move past this and still be friends. I don’t have the answers. But for now, we’re going to give it time because there’s nothing else you can do. We have to go to Utah tomorrow. We have to play a game the next day. This,” Tobin motioned with her hand,” is just going to have to wait. And maybe not talking to Sonnett for a couple of days will cool things down so you two can talk eventually.” Lindsey looked at Tobin skeptically. “Anyway, pack a bag, you’re coming home with me. You’re not staying here crying all night.”

“I’ll just cry all night at your house then,” Lindsey said sadly. But she got up, packed some clothes, and gathered her soccer bag.

Tobin led the way out of Lindsey’s room and towards the front door. Lindsey followed. She looked back into their living room as she started to walk through the door. She saw Emily sitting on the floor, back against their couch, with tears silently streaming down her cheeks. Emily didn’t move a muscle. Lindsey felt an overwhelming need to run to her best friend, but she felt Tobin grab her arm and pull her out the door, making that impossible.

At some point that night, Emily didn’t know when, she eventually fell asleep on the couch. Caitlin had pulled a blanket over her before going to bed with Ellie. Emily was awakened by her phone vibrating and she noticed the sun peaking in through the curtains. It was Tobin.

**Tobs**: When you see her today, do her a favor and leave her alone. You’ve already done enough damage, don’t make it worse.

God , Emily thought,  it already WAS worse. In addition to ruining things with Lindsey, now Tobin was clearly mad at her, too.

**Emily**: But I have to talk to her. When can I talk to her?

**Tobs**: When she’s ready. I don’t know. Get through the game first. We need to win that shield and I can’t have you upsetting her all over again. Do you have any idea how long she cried for last night?

**Emily**: No

**Tobs**: Hours. Literally until after 3:30 this morning. She’s barely had any sleep.

Emily didn’t know what to say, so she put her phone down and went to her room to pack. She felt a strong urge to just give up and do nothing at all.

* * *

Emily did as she was told. At Providence Park, she kept her distance from Lindsey. When they boarded the plane at the airport, she walked right past the open seat by Lindsey, HER seat, and found another one almost in the back. She stayed away from her at training. She didn’t go to Lindsey’s room when they were back at the hotel. Even on the bus ride to Rio Tinto, she didn’t sit next to Lindsey. It was their first game as Thorns that they hadn’t sat next to each other on the bus. But she did exactly as Tobin had told her to. She walked by Lindsey, head down, eyes not meeting. She could feel her teammates’ eyes on her, but no one said anything. Maybe they all knew. Maybe Ellie or Caitlin had told them. Or maybe Tobin hadn’t explained anything but had texted everyone not to say anything to either Emily or Lindsey. Sinc came and sat by her. “It’s going to be ok, give it time.” she said knowingly.

“Wait, you know?” Emily asked.

“Exactly what’s going on, no. But I know you two are going through something and I can guess that it has to do with the fact that you both have feelings for each other.”

“How do you know that?” Emily asked, on the verge of tears.

“It’s obvious. We all know,” Sinc replied matter-of-factly. “They almost decided to take bets on how long it would take you two to hook up, but I told them it would be disrespectful.”

Emily sighed and shook her head. She wanted to make everything better, and not being able to talk to Lindsey actually made her head ache and her stomach twist in knots, but she was truly afraid of Tobin’s wrath. Tobin was extremely protective of Lindsey. And, Emily didn’t want to make things worse with Lindsey, or hurt her even more. 

* * *

The Thorns huddled on the field in Sandy, Utah, a big game against the Royals, and 3 points needed to remain in 1st place, on the line. As the team broke, Emily looked instinctively at Lindsey. Lindsey was looking at her. They were both waiting on the same thing - their handshake. They did it, without smiling, without fanfare, but they did it, and it was the first moment of normalcy they had experienced in two days.

Emily felt much better after that. Even though their handshake was a small thing, it was important to them, and they fact that Lindsey could put aside her feelings in that moment was a big deal to Emily. To her, it meant hope.

The game was closely matched. Becky scored a goal in the latter parts of the first half. It was a beauty of a header off of a cross from Christen. In a way, it really didn’t bother Emily much. She was more in awe of her fellow USWNT defender. Tobin, on the other hand, was not in awe of Christen’s assist, and was pissed off at halftime that they were losing. So was Lindsey. In the second half, Emily pulled Christen down and received a yellow. She wasn’t worried about it, neither was Christen. Both knew it was a professional foul, and Emily had been careful not to hurt Christen. However, later in the half, things went really wrong.

Amy Rodriguez had what looked to be a breakaway to goal when Emily misjudged the ball, so Emily wrapped her up and dropped her. Like earlier, it wasn’t a hard foul, but because this was the second time in the game that Emily had done this, Amy was livid. As the official showed Emily a red card, Amy got up in her face and started screaming at her. Emily backed away, not understanding why Amy was so upset. Amy’s teammate, Vero, came over to try to move Amy away before she was carded too. And that’s when Emily saw Lindsey and Tobin heading over quickly. Tobin shoved Amy in the back and Emily immediately feared that Lindsey was going to get carded too. Then Tobin shoved Vero as they were walking away. It was getting ugly. Thankfully, Lindsey and Tobin settled down as Emily left the field, but she could still hear Amy over the crowd noise, fired up. Emily headed to the locker room and turned the game on. That’s when she saw it. The ball was dead, and Amy was standing over it, ready to put it back in play. Out of nowhere, Lindsey came running up and shoved Amy to the ground from behind. That’s for sure a red, Emily thought. For a moment, she was worried about her team having to play with 9, but that thought was quickly replaced - she was going to have time, the rest of the game, in fact, to talk to Lindsey alone. But then she noticed that the official had, inexplicably, only given Lindsey a yellow. Emily realized that she was relieved, for the team, for Lindsey in particular because she hated sitting out games, and for herself, because she still didn’t know what she’d say to Lindsey. With nothing else to do, she sat down in the locker room and waited for the team. She was lost in her thoughts though, not really watching the game.  Why had Lindsey reacted so strongly to Amy getting in Emily’s face. It didn’t make sense . The game had turned into a disaster so quickly. 


	8. Fuck You, Sonnett!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A post-game blow up in the locker room.

Waiting in the change room for the team to finish cooling down and signing autographs, Emily’s anxiety started to creep up. And the more she thought about Lindsey pushing Amy like that, for no apparent reason, the angrier she became. Finally, her teammates began filing into the room, eyes down, no one speaking, as they sat at their lockers. Lindsey was one of the last in. Her eyes briefly met Emily’s before she looked away and sat down. Before she knew what she was doing, Emily was across the room, sitting next to Lindsey. “Why did you do that?” she asked, a bit too harshly. “Why did you push Amy like that? For no reason.”  
Lindsey looked up at her. There was fire in her eyes. It was a look Emily had never seen before. Lindsey threw her head back and laughed sarcastically. “No reason. You’re right Sonnett, I had no reason at all. What was I thinking trying to defend _you_?”  
“Defend me?” Emily asked, confused.  
“Well I wasn’t just going to let her scream at you like that. No one should talk to you like that. Ever.” Lindsey wanted to kick herself for admitting that to Emily.   
“I don’t need you defending me, Lindsey. You could have gotten a red card. It should have been a red!” Emily’s voice was rising.  
Lindsey threw her cleats into the locker. The sound of slamming against the metal startled everyone in the quiet locker room. No one moved. “You don’t need me at all, apparently,” Lindsey yelled.  
“You know what? I don’t. I don’t need you,” Emily said, coldly.  
“Fuck you, Sonnett!” Lindsey turned and punched the locker, then stormed out of the change room, still in her kit.  
Tobin chased after her. Ellie started grabbing up Lindsey’s belongings. Sinc looked at Emily, shook her head, and then let her head fall. Emily’s face burned and she felt wetness on her cheeks. She didn’t even realize she had started crying.  
Outside, Tobin caught up with Lindsey, wrapping her in a tight hug. “She didn’t mean it Lindsey. You’re her person, you know that.”  
“I’m getting really sick of people saying things to me that they apparently don’t mean,” Lindsey said through tears.  
Tobin accidentally brushed Lindsey’s hand and Lindsey winced in pain. “You need to go back in and get that checked out,” she said, concerned.  
“I’m fine,” Lindsey said, gritting her teeth. The pain in her hand was the least of her concerns at the moment. “I just want to go.”  
“I’m going home with Christen, do you want to come? I don’t want you to be alone,” Tobin said, not knowing how else she could help. Tobin was her roommate on away trips, so it always meant that Lindsey ended up alone when they travelled to Utah. Lindsey never minded, and Emily always hung out in Lindsey’s room with her when Tobin wasn’t around, but tonight, Tobin was worried about Lindsey.  
“No, I’m fine, really. But could you ask Christen if she’ll drop me off at the hotel on the way?” Lindsey asked meekly. She didn’t want to intrude on their time when they already had to spend so much of the year apart.   
“Of course she will. C’mon.” Tobin walked with her arm around Lindsey to Christen’s car.   
When Christen saw Lindsey with Tobin, she got a questioning look on her face, but saw Tobin barely shake her head. Christen got the hint and knew better than to ask. She drove Lindsey back to the hotel as requested, but when Lindsey was out of the car, and Tobin told her what happened as they drove to Christen’s, Christen was angry and actually yelled at Tobin for letting Lindsey be alone.  
“Damnit, Tobin. You know better. You just wanted to be alone with me!”  
Christen wasn’t wrong, Tobin really had missed her, but she _had_ tried to get Lindsey to come with them so she wouldn’t be alone. She didn’t want to push Lindsey if that’s not what she wanted though.  
“Text her. Right now. Tell her we’re coming back to get her,” Christen demanded. Tobin did as she was told, but there was no response after several minutes.   
“Let’s go home Chris. If she responds, I’ll come pick her up. Promise.” Tobin said.

* * *

The bus ride back to the team hotel was absolutely silent for the Thorns. Tobin had texted Mark and explained that Lindsey would be back at the hotel, but not on the bus. As Emily made her way to the front of the bus to exit, Sinc reached her arm out and stopped her from getting off the bus. “Do not go and try to talk to her tonight. This is a hotel and the walls are paper thin. You’re in public here, Em. If you want to apologize for what you said tonight, you need to wait until you’re back in your own home.” Emily squinted her eyes at Sinc. “Yes, you are going to have to apologize,” Sinc added, reading Emily’s mind.


	9. Use Your Words, Sonnett

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All their cards are on the table.

  
Lindsey was already in her room by the time team arrived. She didn’t even bother showering or changing, just fell into the bed. Tobin texted her, and she swiped the text away. There were some knocks on her door, which she ignored, not wanting to talk to anyone. She put her airpods in and started making a new Spotify playlist. After a couple of hours of listening to music, she remembered her hand. It was hurting so bad and swollen.  
She decided to go get some ice for it from the ice machine down the hall. She finally pulled off her kit and threw a sweatshirt and shorts on. _Fuck, it’s Emily’s UVA sweatshirt_. She didn’t have the energy to take it off, so she decided she’d have to stay in it until she got back to her room. But as soon as she opened her door, Emily fell into the room, hitting her head on the ground. “What the fuck, Sonnett?” she yelled, almost stepping on her. And then, she smiled and let out a small laugh, even though she didn’t want to.   
Emily looked up at Lindsey, disoriented and sleepy. “I- I- I came by to talk to you, but you didn’t open the door. I decided to sit here until you came out,” Emily stammered. “I guess I fell asleep.” She blushed, realizing what a ridiculous idea it all was, and that Sinc and Tobin both were going to have her head if they found out. “Can I come in? Please?” she asked softly.  
“I need ice,” Lindsey replied, flatly.  
“I’ll get if for you!” Emily rushed to her feet and took the ice bucket. She was halfway down the hall when she looked back, realizing that Lindsey was probably not going to let her back in. “Don’t lock me out, k?” she called.  
Emily was back in a flash and handed the ice bucket to Lindsey. Lindsey had left the door partially open, but was standing in the gap and wasn’t budging. “Thanks,” she said, not making eye contact with Emily.  
“Please let me come in, Linds,” Emily begged.  
Lindsey relented, but only because she knew she wasn’t going to be able to tie the bag of ice by herself, and she needed Emily’s help. Inside, she laid back down on the bed and asked Emily to make her an ice bag.  
“For your hand?” Emily questioned, sounding concerned. “Let me see it.”  
“Just make the ice bag for me, Sonnett.” Emily did, and Lindsey took it, placing it on top of her aching knuckles.

“Nice sweatshirt,” Emily tried joking with her, but it didn’t work, as Lindsey glared at her. Emily sighed. “Will you just hear me out now? You don’t have to say anything.”  
“I don’t have to hear anything, either,” Lindsey said angrily, putting her airpods back in.  
Emily sat on the other bed, staring at Lindsey, her face fallen, sadness in her eyes. After a moment, she told herself, _You’ve already screwed up so bad, it can’t possibly get any worse. Be brave, make her listen_. Emily got up off the bed and walked the step and a half to Lindsey’s bed. Leaning over her, she grabbed Lindsey’s airpods out of her ears.  
“What the fuck, Sonnett?” Lindsey yelled again.  
“You’re going to listen to me, Lindsey,” Sonnett said boldy. She had nothing to lose. “And then I’ll go. And I’ll tell Mark not to protect me in the expansion draft if that’s what you want. Or to trade me. Whatever. We don’t have to be a package deal anymore if that’s what you want. But you’re going to listen to me first.”  
Lindsey was taken aback by both _what_ Emily said and _how_ she said it. Her voice was so... serious; so unlike Sonnett. Lindsey also realized as the words were coming out of Emily’s mouth that she didn’t want her to to be traded; they _were_ a package deal. In all of her hurt and anger, the thought of Emily living somewhere across the country from her broke Lindsey’s heart even more. She sat up and stared at Emily, without saying a word.  
Emily took that as a sign that Lindsey would at least listen. She sat back down on the edge of the other bed, their knees almost touching. Emily wanted to take Lindsey’s good hand in hers, but she refrained, keeping her own hands on the bed beside her. Emily began talking so quietly that Lindsey could hardly hear her. “Linds, outside of my family, you’re the most important person in the world to me. I can’t lose you. You’re the only person I’ve ever met that I can’t lose. You are my world.”  
“That’s not true, Sonnett,” Lindsey interrupted, still angry, and staring at the floor. “I don’t mean that much to you. Because if I did...” Lindsey’s voice trailed off.  
“That’s where you’re wrong,” Emily cut in in the pause, shaking her head, her eyes unsuccessfully pleading with Lindsey to look at her. She couldn’t seem to find the words she needed to continue. She was getting frustrated and her fists were balled at her sides. “Fuck!” she shouted, pounding a fist into the bed. “Use your words, Sonnett!” She took a deep breath, inhaling sharply and blowing back out hard. “I love you, Lindsey! I fell in love with you years ago, when we first met. And since then, every time I’ve seen you smile, it has both melted my heart and broken it at the same time. Every time you touch me, there’s nothing better and there’s nothing worse. I live to make you happy. But you’ve never noticed it because you love Russell, not me. So over time, the only way I could deal with everything was to push my feelings for you down. As far down as I could. I do that by joking mainly. But then y’all broke up, and I started to think that maybe there might be a chance for us.”  
Lindsey looked at Emily, but didn’t move. She wanted to wipe away Emily’s tears, but she felt paralyzed by Emily’s words. She finally found her voice. “Why do you keep saying that you’re going to lose me?” Lindsey wanted to know.

“Because I’ve realized that everyone I’ve ever loved has left me. I don’t know why, but I obviously do something wrong that causes everyone to leave me. So I told myself that it was better to just keep being friends only and not lose you.”

“But why would telling me how you feel mean you might lose me?”

“Because what if you don’t feel the same about me? What if I told you and it freaked you out and we couldn’t be us anymore? What if I lost you forever?” Emily’s voice was starting to crack, and Lindsey scooted forward a bit, just enough for her leg to brush Emily’s.  
Emily continued, “But it seems like I already lost you anyway. I took too long to tell you and now everything is ruined. So tonight, I told myself that I would just say what I should have said a long time ago so at least I don’t have to regret it anymore. And you can do what you want with it. I love you with all of my heart, Lindsey. I always have and I always will. You own my heart. You have all of me.” Tears were fully flowing down Emily’s cheeks now as she realized that she may have ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her and there was no way to take the secret back.


	10. Yes, Sonnett?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title track.

Emily’s heart and head sank. Her shoulders dropped.Her silent tears became one audible shudder, and then she started to get up off of the bed. She felt Lindsey’s hand in hers.“Son,” Lindsey said quietly, her voice husky.“Sonnett, sit down.”Lindsey pulled Emily so that she was sitting next to her, not across from her. She untangled her fingers from Emily’s and slid her hand onto Emily’s inner thigh. She often rested her hand there, but this time, it felt...different. She wanted more. Lindsey grabbed her phone, unlocking it and handing it to Emily, her new Spotify playlist open. “Look.” 

Emily scrolled down and then back up. “Ok, great playlist, Linds,” she said half heartedly, handing the phone back. Lindsey pushed it back into Emily’s palm, causing Emily to grow frustrated. “What, Lindsey? No offense, but I don’t give a fuck about your playlist right now.” She was trying to get up again, but Lindsey wouldn’t let her.

“Say it again,” Lindsey murmured, “the last thing you said to me before all this.” Lindsey waived her hand at the phone.

“I- I- I- don’t know what I said to you,” Emily stammered. She paused, wracking her brain. “I said you have all of me.”

Lindsey nodded. “Look again,” she urged Emily softly.

Emily sighed and began scrolling more patiently this time. About a quarter of the way down, she stopped and scrolled back a bit, her thumb hovering just above a song title. She hesitated and then clicked it. Familiar piano chords filled the room, and the lyrics: _All of me loves all of you._ Emily felt fresh tears in her eyes again.

“I was making a playlist tonight, to deal with how I’ve been feeling. But I kept finding these songs that, well they’re just how I feel about you. About us. And I was so mad at you, but all I could think about was you. About losing you. About how much I love you. Emily, I love you. I love you so much. I’ve probably loved you for as long as you’ve loved me.” Lindsey had tears in her eyes now, too.

Emily turned towards her best friend, her knee knocking into Lindsey’s. She couldn’t remember a time when Lindsey had called her Emily. Not Sonnett, or Sonny, or Son, or Dasani, but Emily. She liked it. She liked hearing her name spoken from Lindsey’s lips. She reached over and wiped the tears from Lindsey’s face with her thumb, resting her fingertips along the side of Lindsey’s neck. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Because I couldn’t lose you either. Every time I started to think that maybe you felt something too, you would just make a joke. Or remember when you got so mad at me for saying that we hold hands on the bus on the way to games? Or when Sammy posted that picture of the three of us and I had my hand between your legs. You were so upset so I had to comment that I didn’t mean to. I started to think that I was wrong and that I was the only one who felt this way.”

“So what do we do now?” Emily asked. She sounded so unsure, so unlike herself.

“Well Tobin said that when it comes to love, you always take the chance. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I know that I love you enough to take this risk. I don’t even want to imagine my life without you in it, Emily Sonnett.”

“I like it when you call me Emily,” she confessed shyly. Lindsey grinned, flashing her dimples. Emily loved those dimples. They made her heart beat faster every time she saw them. She loved seeing Lindsey smile. “Lindsey?”

“Yes, Sonnett?”

“I’m gonna kiss you now.”


	11. We Can’t Do This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That first kiss...

Emily leaned towards her best friend, barely letting her lips brush Lindsey’s.Her heart was pounding so loudly, she was sure Lindsey could hear it. Emily’s lips parted and she took Lindsey’s lips in hers. Emily kissed her gently. Once. Twice. Three times.

Lindsey was surprised by how soft Emily’s lips were. And by how perfectly they found each other’s. She traced lightly with her tongue, tasting Emily’s lips. She wanted more.She slid her hand father up Emily’s thigh as Emily pulled her closer, kissing her deeper. Lindsey tugged at Emily’s lower lip, causing the faintest moan to escape from Emily’s lips. 

Emily pulled away, letting her lips brush Lindsey’s cheek. Lindsey pulled Emily down on top of her, her hands gripping Emily’s hips. 

Emily braced herself, her arms stiff, searching Lindsey’s eyes.  _How is it possible that she she looks so relaxed when I’m so scared?_ “You’re beautiful, Lindsey,” she said quietly. 

Lindsey blushed. “No, I haven’t even showered.And I’ve been crying. For days, it feels like.I look like shit.”

Emily shook her head.“You’re beautiful. Just like this. With your messy hair and no makeup. With my old sweatshirt on,” she said, grinning appreciatively. Her eyes travelled across Lindsey’s entire face. “You’re perfect.” 

Lindsey knew that Emily meant it, she heard the sincerity in her voice, the way it got low and scratchy when she was being vulnerable.But her eyes gave away how scared she was. Lindsey reached up towards Emily’s face, her fingertips briefly resting on Emily’s cheek before she traced Emily’s lips with her index finger.Emily bit at it, grinning again before softly kissing behind Lindsey’s ear, then following along her jawline, peppering it with little kisses. Finally, she pulled the neck of Lindsey’s sweatshirt, her favorite sweatshirt, aside, and settled on a spot where Lindsey’s neck met her collarbone, licking, gently sucking, kissing, nibbling.

Lindsey shivered.She moved her hands to Emily’s waist again, sliding them under the bottom edge of Emily’s sweatshirt. Emily jerked up immediately. “What’s wrong?” Lindsey asked furrowing her brow. 

“Nothing,” Emily replied, a bit too quickly. A bit too insistently.

Lindsey took Emily’s hands and pulled Emilyback towards her. “Come here,” she said softly, wrapping her fingers behind Emily’s neck and pulling her in for a long, slow kiss. She loved feeling Emily’s weight against her body. But as soon as her hands began to creep up under Emily’s shirt, Emily pulled away again. This time, Emily swung a leg over, removing herself from atop Lindsey. She laid down on the bed beside her, resting her head on Lindsey’s bicep and her hand on Lindsey’s stomach. Lindsey pulled her in. “Son, whats wrong?”

“We- we- I- we can’t,” Emily stammered. Lindsey continued lying there in silence, trying to give Emily time to process what she was trying to say. “We can’t do this.”

Lindsey felt a knot in her stomach.  _Can’t do what? Make out? Be together?_ “Can’t do what, Son?” she asked quietly, patiently, trying to hide how worried she was.

“We can’t have sex.Not tonight. It’s too fast. I haven’t even taken you out on a date yet.” Emily sounded panicky.

Lindsey couldn’t contain her laughter, much of it in relief. She rolled over towards Emily. “Em, we’ve been dating for years.Brunch every weekend.The dinners you cook for me. Coffee after practice. Movies and cuddling on the couch.We’ve actually taken things slower than any couple in the history of couples. Just think about how long it took you to tell me you love me,” Lindsey joked.

Emily was serious though. “My mama raised me to be a gentleman. I’m going to take you on a real date before I take you to bed,” she insisted. 

“Ok, ok,” Lindsey conceded. “That’s fine, we can wait.But will you please stay with me tonight? If I promise not to undress you? I’ve missed you so much. And I’m afraid to let you go again.” Lindsey wasn’t joking anymore; she was very serious.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Emily reassured her. “Come here.”Emily pulled Lindsey to her chest and Lindsey tucked her head under Emily’s chin. 

“Hey Sonnett?”Lindsey asked in a hushed tone a few minutes later.

“Hmm?”Emily was falling asleep, the stress from the past few days causing her to crash. 

“Speaking of dates, you have one. Soon. Are you going to go?”

Emily’s eyes shot open. She leaned back and tipped Lindsey’s chin up so she could look into her eyes. “Of course not. I’ll call her tomorrow. I love you, Linds.I don’t want anybody but you.”Emily whispered. 

“I love you too, Emily,” Lindsey murmured as she buried her face back into Emily’s sweatshirt.She forced her leg in between Emily’s, intertwining them together and slid her top hand into the pocket of the sweatshirt Emily was wearing. Emily sighed a contented sigh. Lindsey let out a deep breath. She finally felt safe again, like she was home. She had never felt that with Russell. That should have been a dead giveaway. But at least she was where she was supposed to be, and with the person she was supposed to be with, now. 


	12. I Didn’t Want Anyone To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught!

The next morning, Lindsey and Emily were awakened by Tobin coming into the room, followed closely behind by Christen.“What the actual fuck?” Tobin shouted, half laughing, half shocked, still slightly angry at Emily, as she saw her teammates bodies intertwined with each other. “As least you have clothes on. Didn’t you two hate each other last night?”

“We did... until we didn’t,” Lindsey said, rolling off of Emily and smiling up at her. “We’re good now, Tobs,” Lindsey said, trying to reassure her protective friend. Tobin had always had her back. Always. And Lindsey knew that meant Tobin would be especially hard on Emily. 

Tobin looked over at Emily, shaking her head. Emily looked back sheepishly.She didn’t know what to say. “Hi, Chris,” she mumbled.

Christen jumped on the bed between Emily and Lindsey, all smiles as she hugged them both and told them how happy she was for both of them. She continued gushing about how cute they were together and how everyone had known they were in love.Emily felt her face growing red hot as Christen rambled. Lindsey took Emily’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Emily relaxed. _It’s just Tobin and Christen_, she told herself. 

“Well, she made me come check on you since you never texted me back last night,” Tobin pointed to her girlfriend as she explained the situation to Lindsey. “But I guess you’re... fine?So are the two of you like a thing now, or what?”Emily looked down, blushing again. 

“She’s taking me on a date,” Lindsey said proudly, grinning from ear to ear. “To make up for all of the shit she put me through trying to keep her feelings to herself. Right, Sonnett?”

Emily nodded, stealing a quick glance at Lindsey.Christian squealed with happiness for her teammates. 

Tobin, on the other hand, looked skeptical. “We’re going to get coffee then,” she said. “Wanna come with?”

“No.Thanks though.I need to shower, and we haven’t packed,” Lindsey said dejectedly. “But bring us coffees back?”

“All right,” Tobin replied, reaching out and taking Christen’s hand to help her up off the bed.Then, thinking twice, she went back and gave Lindsey a hard, long hug and whispered in her ear, “We’re gonna talk later.”She looked over at Emily one more time,but Emily refused to meet her gaze. 

Christen took Tobin by the elbow, pulling her towards the door.“Bye, ladies,” she called out cheerfully. 

With the click of the closing door, Lindsey touched Emily’s knee, sensing something was off.“What’s wrong, Son?” 

“Nothing,” Emily muttered, shaking her head.

“It’s not nothing, Emily. Talk to me.Please.”Emily was silent and now wouldn’t look at Lindsey either. “Hey,” Lindsey said softly, tipping Emily’s face up towards hers so she could look into her eyes. “It’s me, Sonnett. Talk to me.”

“I just didn’t want anyone to _know_,” Emily said, stressing the last word.

“It’s Chris and Toby,” Lindsey said, confused and wanting to laugh, though she knew better. “They’re two of our best friends. And they’re gay!Like, they’re not judging us, Em. They know exactly what we’re going through. Why does it matter if they know?”

“It doesn’t. But then Caitlin and Ellie are gonna know, and then Hayley’s gonna know, and then the whole team’s gonna know. And then Mark’s gonna know and our whole other team’s gonna know, and then the new coach is gonna know. And then the whole of Twitter and Insta will find out and at that point, basically the whole world is gonna know.”Emily was rambling and sounded exasperated. 

“Well, yes, people might catch on. Of course Ellie and Caitlin will know, they’re our roommates. But, I hate to break it to you, the fans already think we’re together so I don’t really think this is anything new?We’re just Soran for real now, and maybe they’ll give up  on that Sohara bs, because you’re mine,” Lindsey said laughing as she pushed Emily gently, trying to get her to relax. It didn’t seem to work; Emily was still visibly distressed. 

“Emily,” Lindsey said, taking both of Emily’s hands in hers, “it’s going to be ok. We don’t have to come out to anyone. Let people think what they want. We don’t have to confirm it. We can be like Tobin and Chris. We don’t owe anybody anything. We’ll just keep being us and people won’t even be able to tell the difference between us as overly affectionate friends and us as a couple.Ok?”

Emily looked up at Lindsey and nodded silently. 

“But what’s really bothering you about this?” Lindsey asked sincerely.Lindseywas confused about why Emily, who had known she was gay for years, seemed much more concerned about being out that she, who had just come to terms with what this meant for her sexuality, did. 

“Can we talk about it some other time please?” Emily sighed. 

Lindsey nodded.“Of course,” she said, her voice steady. But inside, her stomach was in knots as she worried about Emily’s reaction. She needed some sort or reassurance that things were fine, but Emily didn’t seem to be in a place to give that to her. Lindsey pulled Emily into an embrace, holding her tightly for a long time.Then she pulled back and pressed her forehead into Emily’s, nuzzling their noses together.After a moment, Emily took the bait, kissing Lindsey with the same passion she had the night before. Lindsey smiled into the kiss, momentarily relieved. Lindsey felt Emily’s hand on her thigh, her fingertips creeping under the hem of her shorts. Her heart rate and breathing increased, and Lindsey felt herself getting wet. But as quickly as it had begun, Emily stopped it again. 

“I never unpacked, so I’m ready to go.Want me to pack your stuff for you while you’re in the shower?” Emily asked.

“No chance I can talk you into showering with me, I guess?” Lindsey asked, playfully, but with a hint of sadness in her voice because she already knew the answer. 

“No sexy time in the shower before a date either,” Emily laughed. 

Lindsey sighed.“Ok.”She started walking towards the bathroom.She pulled Emily’s sweatshirt over her head.Then, only turning partway around, she threw the sweatshirt at Emily, who was still sitting on the bed. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath. “But don’t pack this.I’m wearing it home.”

Emily stared at Lindsey’s bare, well-muscled back, her jaw dropping slightly.Lindsey saw her and smiled as she closed the door to the bathroom behind her. Emily fell backwards on the bed, staring at the ceiling. 


	13. I Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught again!

That evening, following the flight back to Portland, Emily was making dinner for the house. Lindsey was sitting on a stool, face cupped in her hands, elbows propped up on the bar, watching as Emily cooked. Caitlin and Ellie were still out, but would be home soon. After a few moments, Lindsey got up and walked over to Emily, who was reaching up to get a bowl out of the cabinet. Lindsey wrapped her arms around Emily, resting her head chin on Emily’s shoulder. “You’re not going to make me sleep in my own bedroom until you get around to taking me on a date, are you?”She felt Emily’s shoulders rise and fall as she took a deep breath. 

“That depends,” Emily said coyly. 

“Ugh,” Lindsey scoffed.“On what?”

“On whether or not you can behave yourself.” 

Lindsey could see the corner of Emily’s mouth turning up in a smile, and the dip of her dimpled cheek. She nuzzled Emily’s neck and Emily leaned her head to the side, allowing Lindsey to kiss her neck. “I promise to try,” she laughed. Lindsey placed a hand on Emily’s hip, turning her around. She looked into Emily’s eyes, trying to understand why she was still so different - not the same happy Sonnett. She wasn’t smiling as much, she wasn’t laughing as much. She seemed so much more tense and nervous around Lindsey now than before, sadder even. When she did smile, it was fleeting. Lindsey took one of Emily’s hands in hers and stroked Emily’s other forearm. She didn’t know how to make things better when Emily wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. Lindsey took Emily’s hands and placed them on the counter behind her, palms flat, fingers out. She kissed her girlfriend until she felt Emily relax, Emily’s tongue slipping inside Lindsey’s mouth. Lindsey put her hands on Emily’s waist, her loose sweatpants slung low, falling around her hip bones. “Up,” she whispered slightly lifting Emily to encourage her to hop up onto the counter. 

Emily did. Emily grabbed Lindsey’s shirt and pulled Lindsey into her, taking Lindsey’s face into her hands and continuing the kiss where they left off. One of Emily’s hands left Lindsey’s face, fingertips brushing the front of her neck and then resting on Lindsey’s heart. She could feel Lindsey’s heart pounding.“I have to make dinner,” she said breathlessly, pulling away. 

“In a minute,” Lindsey whispered, pulling her back. Lindsey’s hands were on Emily’s hips, her thumbs running along the top of Emily’s v-line under her clothes. She felt Emily shiver. She let her hand climb up under Emily’s shirt, lightly tracing her abs. She loved Emily’s stomach. Emily didn’t stop her. 

Then, they heard the familiar click of a key turning in the lock. Emily jerked away, a look of panic on her face. She tried to get off the counter, but Lindsey’s hand on her chest prevented it. “Em,” she said earnestly, “it’s just Cait and El.Relax.”She wrapped her arms around Emily’s waist. Emily froze, but didn’t protest. 

Caitlin and Ellie walked into the kitchen. Ellie’s jaw dropped. “So...” Caitlin started, “is this like for real or is this just you two back to being touchy normal you? Because on the flight, we were all talking about how quickly you made up.”

Lindsey rested her head on Emily’s chest, smiling as she looked up at Emily.Emily couldn’t help but smile back down at her. Emily reaches down and stroked Lindsey’s cheek. “Yeah, it’s real,” she replied. 

High pitched squeals came from Caitlin and Ellie as they rushed over for a group hug. “We can double date now!” Ellie shouted excitedly.

“We’ve basically been double dating for months, but ok!” Lindsey laughed.

Caitlin leaned over and whispered in Emily’s ear, “Did you cancel your date?”Emily nodded. She had called Cam when they had arrived home that afternoon, explaining that it wouldn’t be right for her to go on a date with her when Emily was in love with someone else. 

* * *

That night, after dinner was over, dishes were cleaned, tv was watched, and an impromptu dance party was had, Lindsey climbed under the covers of Emily’s bed. She snuggled into Emily, exhausted from the flight and the long day. “Can our brunch tomorrow just be our date?” she asked hopefully.

“No!No way,” Emily exclaimed.

“Why not?” Lindsey whined. 

“Because that’s not a real date. We do that every Sunday.”

“Listen, Sonnett,” Lindsey said sternly turning over, “this is cute, that after all these years you still want to date me, but if this date doesn’t happen soon...” 

“What?” Emily asked, a smile spreading across her face. “If it doesn’t happen soon, what?”

Lindsey leaned over, nibbling on Emily’s ear lobe.And then, knowing full well what she was doing, she whispered in Emily’s ear, “I can’t wait much longer.I want you, Emily. I want to feel you inside of me. I want to feel your tongue between my legs. I want to taste what you taste like.”

Emily’s eyes were closed and her breathing was fast. She was wet, almost dripping, just from Lindsey’s words and the building anticipation. Half of her felt like giving in, undressing Lindsey right then and fucking her. The other half of Emily wanted to kick Lindsey out of her bed before she did something that went against her own code. What Emily actually did was bite her own lip - hard - letting the pain wash over her as a distraction. When she was finally able to gather her thoughts and breathe (somewhat) normally again, she said “Monday. We’re off Monday. I already have it planned. Spend the whole day with me.”

“Ok,” Lindsey sighed. “Monday.”Lindsey kissed Emily once on the lips, threw and arm and a leg over her, and settled in to go to sleep. 


	14. Sonnett, You Remembered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily’s been hurt before.

“Son,” Lindsey complained, “how am I supposed to know what to wear if you won’t tell me where we’re going?”Lindsey spit out her toothpaste and rinsed her toothbrush, catching Emily’s eye in the mirror.

“I’ll go pick something out for you,” Emily reassured her.A couple of minutes later, Emily returned. “Your clothes are on your bed.Hurry up, we gotta get going.”

The sun wasn’t even fully up yet; Lindsey couldn’t imagine why they needed to get such an early start on the day. And when she saw what Emily had picked out for her to wear, she was even more confused - shorts, a Nike t-shirt, and a Nike sweatshirt. _What kind of date are we going on_, she wondered.

She walked out to the car with Emily, whose arms were filled with half a dozen bottles of water. They began driving, heading out of the city. Emily reached over and took Lindsey’s hand in hers. 

After driving for a bit, Lindsey finally broke the silence. “Sonny?” She started timidly, “will you please talk to me?You haven’t been yourself since all of this went down. It worries me. I miss you.And don’t say there’s nothing wrong.I want you to tell me what has been going on in your head, what has been worrying you, so we can talk about it.”

“C’mon, Linds, I don’t want to ruin today talking about everything that give me anxiety,” Emily said, looking out the driver’s side window, away from Lindsey.

“I don’t want anything coming between us. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t tell me exactly what you’re thinking,” Lindsey replied.

“There’s nothing between us,” Emily said, pulling Lindsey’s hand toward her and pressing it to her heart.“See?”

“Emily...” Lindsey whispered.

Emily looked at her and gave in. How could she not give in? Lindsey’s eyes, her smile. They owned Emily. “It’s a long list,” she sighed. “Are you sure you’re ready?”Lindsey nodded and squeezed Emily’s hand.Emily hesitated before beginning. “In addition to the fact that I know if we ever break up, our friendship will be over and I’ll be crushed, I also worry that you’ll leave me, just like my ex. Maybe cheat on me first. Or that you’re gonna realize you’re straight after all, like my other ex. I worry about what my parents will say, because I never came out to them. I worry that the expansion draft will separate us, that I won’t make the Olympic roster, that once the season is over, we won’t make it through the time apart, because that’s what happened in my last relationship. Long distance doesn’t work. And I worry that I don’t have enough to offer you.I’m not worthy of you.” 

“Emily.”Lindsey sounded so sad, realizing what had been eating away at Sonnett over the past week.“There’s so much to unpack there, I don’t even know where to start.”

“Told ya.”

“How do your parents not know?” Lindsey asked.

“Growing up where I did, it’s so damn conservative. You don’t come come out. You can’t be gay,” Emily explained.

“But they’re your parents.I’ve met them.They love you. And they have to have known.”

“Well if they know, we’ve never discussed it.I know they love me, but having a gay daughter wouldn’t be the best look for them in their social circles.Maybe it’s ok as long as it’s not talked about. As long as they don’t have to acknowledge it. That’s why I don’t want this getting out. It has nothing to do with you, I just don’t want my parents finding out, at least not because someone posts something online.”Lindsey nodded, understanding Emily’s predicament. “I mean, do you want your parents finding out?” Emily asked sincerely.

“No, not like that,” Lindsey conceded, “but I will tell them about us.They’ve always supported me in everything I’ve wanted to do. I can’t imagine them not being supportive of who I love.”She paused. “Tell me about what went wrong with your ex’s,” she said, changing the subject. 

“My high school girlfriend my junior year was a cheerleader. Super closeted. We dated for over a year, in complete secrecy. Then a football player started hitting on her and she told me she couldn’t be with me even though she loved me and didn’t love him; she couldn’t ever openly be with me, so she said there was no point in continuing.”She sighed, looking up at the roof of the car. “In college, my ex cheated on me.Multiple times. Before finally breaking up with me, which was fun. She broke up with me. I didn’t break up with her, which is just pathetic. She told me she cheated on me because itwasn’t going to work if I refused to take her home to meet my family over the holidays. And when I came here, Mary broke up with me. She didn’t want to do the long distance thing, she wanted to move to Portland and live with me. I knew that it would change things with you, because we would fight about how much time I spent with you already anyway. So I told her no. She refused to do a long- distance relationship, so here we are. 0-for-3.”

“I thought you broke up with her, not the other way around.”

“Nope.Just didn’t feel like explaining it.That basically I was choosing you over her. I knew what was going to happen the minute I told her she couldn’t move in with me. It still broke my heart though.I loved her. Maybe not like I love you, but I did love her.”

Lindsey sat in silence, searching for words. “I’m not going to leave you, Em. I’m not going to decide that I’m straight. I’m not going to cheat on you. I’m not going to give up on us because it gets hard or because we have to be away from each other sometimes. I’ve never felt for someone what I feel for you. I’m all in.And,” Lindsey continued, “you have so much to offer me.So much.”

“Yeah, I’m funny,” Emily shrugged. “That’s about it.”

“That’s not it. You know how to make me smile when no one else in this world can. You make me feel like I’m the only person in the room who matters. You only look at me. You are good. And you are kind. You’re so kind. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. Plus,” Lindsey paused and then poked Emily playfully in the ribs. “You’re hot.”

“I’m not. Not at all,” Emily said, shaking her head.“That’s why I have to be funny. It’s the only way to pick up chicks.”

“You are,” Lindsey said seriously, switching from playfully touching Emily to touching her more sensually. She rubbed her hand along Emily’s abs, then let it slide between Emily’s legs, lightly touching her inner thigh. “I meant what I said the other night. I want you, Emily Sonnett.”

“I want you too, Linds.”Emily’s voice was almost a whisper. She parked the car, and at that moment, Lindsey realized where Emily was taking her for their first date. She had been so engrossed in the conversation that she hadn’t even been paying attention to her surroundings. They were at Mount St. Helen’s. 

“Sonnett,” Lindsey said in awe.“You remembered.”Lindsey had talked several times about how she wanted to see Mount St. Helen’s, but during all of her time in the area, she had never made it out.She leaned over towards Emily and Emily met her, kissing her lips softly.

“Let’s go for a hike,” Emily smiled.


	15. Perfect Southern Gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A real date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters tonight. Probably none tomorrow. But the next one will be smut so proceed at ya own risk. But then y’all have to let me get back to writing the AK14 fic I started so long ago!

The new couple set off on a dirt path for an 8 mile round trip hike, enjoying the wildflowers they passed along with way. Every chance she got, when they had a stretch of trail without other people on it, Emily took the opportunity to touch Lindsey, to brush her hand, to link their pinkies together, to bump her shoulder into Lindsey as they laughed while taking selfies. She felt like she owed it to Lindsey - to show Lindsey how she felt - when Lindsey had been so vulnerable about her own feelings . And Emily felt so much better for the first time in over a week, like things were back to normal. She had really needed to get away, to get out of the city, and to be able to spend time with Lindsey. Alone together. 

As the trail approached a section with a steep drop off to the right, Emily instinctively stepped to the other side of Lindsey, physically maneuvering her body to be in between Lindsey and the drop. Lindsey smiled to herself. It was the same way Emily always made sure she walked between Lindsey and the road as they made their way down the sidewalks of Portland on the way to coffee or brunch, putting her body between Lindsey and any passing cars. Emily was always the perfect southern gentleman and Lindsey loved it. 

As the trail narrowed even further, Emily stepped behind Lindsey.She caught herself smiling as she stared at Lindsey’s ass. She smirked, shaking her head as she looked up at the beautiful blue sky. She felt lucky, truly lucky, for the first time in as long as she could remember. Lindsey was the most beautiful girl Emily had ever seen. It was hard to believe that this amazing girl was finally hers. Emily couldn’t help herself.She looked over her shoulder and confirming they were alone, she wrapped Lindsey in a bear hug from behind, burying her face in Lindsey’s neck. 

Lindsey stopped and laughed as Emily blew into her neck.She reached up put her hands on top of Emily’s, interlocking their fingers for a moment, swaying with her. “What’s this for?” Lindsey asked.

“Nothing. I’m just happy.You make me happy,” Emily explained. Giving Lindsey a quick peck on the cheek, she dropped the hug so they could continue walking. 

Harry’s Ridge did not disappoint. Lindsey’s breath caught in her chest as she took in the views - Spirit Lake, Mount Adams, Coldwater Peak, and Mount St. Helen’s. Having Emily standing beside her made it even better.In complete silence and almost complete stillness, she moved only her fingertips to wrap them around Emily’s.The lookout point had people milling about, but it didn’t deter Lindsey, and Emily didn’t pull away. She doubted anyone would notice. They weren’t in Portland; the people there were tourists unlikely to know who they were anyway, and everyone was focused on the breathtaking views. Besides, with their bodies almost touching, it was highly unlikely anyone could even see them holding hands. “You know this is the best first date I’ve ever been on, right?” Lindsey leaned over and whispered. Emily didn’t turn her head to look at Lindsey, but Lindsey could see her lips turn up in a smile, and the dimple appear on her cheek. Lindsey felt an urge to kiss that dimple, but didn’t want to press her luck and make Emily uncomfortable when things were going so well.

Eventually, they began the long hike back. When they arrived at the car, Emily opened the door for Lindsey, and closed it after she got in. Perfect southern gentleman.She drove them to a nearby cafe.It was almost empty inside, and Lindsey was pleasantly surprised that Emily sat on the same side of the booth with her. Emily rested her hand on Lindsey’s knee almost as soon as they were settled into the booth. When the server came to take their order, Emily’s fingertips moved down to Lindsey’s inner thigh. As the server rattled off the specials of the day, her hand made its way under Lindsey’s shorts. Lindsey choked on her coffee. Emily’s fingertips brushed Lindsey’s panties causing Lindsey to not be able to continue placing her order momentarily as her brain seemed to freeze. When the server walked away, Lindsey playfully punched Emily on the shoulder. “What are you doing?!?” she asked, feigning horror. 

Emily leaned over and bit Lindsey on the shoulder softly, but looked up at her with a devilish grin, shrugging. “I guess I just can’t wait to get you home.”


	16. Turn the Lights Down Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first time. NSFW or kids

Emily was sitting on her bed, wearing only a sports bra and adidas shorts, when Lindsey walked into her room, fresh out of the shower.Emily looked up immediately at the click of the door knob as Lindsey stepped into her room, wearing nothing but an old, thin, white t-shirt and underwear. Emily could tell right away that Lindsey hasn’t put on a bra. Her eyes not leaving Lindsey’s, Emily crawled out of bed and walked over, meeting Lindsey halfway across the room. She took Lindsey’s hands in hers, their eyes still locked. “God, you are beautiful,” she whispered. 

Lindsey looked down, blushing, and shook her head. 

Emily tipped Lindsey’s chin back up so she could look into her eyes. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” she repeated sincerely as she brushed the back of her curled fingers against Lindsey’s cheek. Lindsey tilted her head towards Emily’s hand, craving the sweet caress. She rested the fingers of one hand on Emily’s stomach, the other hand still gripping Emily’s. Emily kissed her softly, as softly as she had the first time. There was no longing or wanting in that kiss, just tenderness.

Emily led Lindsey to her bed, letting her sit down at the foot. Emily leaned in, slowly laying Lindsey down as she kissed her, following as Lindsey scooted farther onto the bed, until her head was resting on a pillow. She traced Lindsey’s features with her fingertips - her eyebrows, her eyelids, her nose, her cheekbones and jaw, and then finally her lips.She leaned in again, kissing Lindsey’s top lip, then sliding her tongue across the slight gap between her lips. She smiled as she kissed Lindsey’s bottom lip, more and more intensely, tugging on it. Biting. Lindsey’s tongue slid into Emily’s mouth, exploring. She ran her tongue along the roof of Emily’s mouth, driving Emily crazy with the new sensation.

Emily sat up on her knees between Lindsey’s legs, and brought Lindsey up with her. Emily ran a hand through Lindsey’s still-wet hair, settling on her neck as she pulled Lindsey in for another kiss. Emily’s other hand cupped Lindsey’s breast through her shirt, causing Lindsey to exhale sharply as Emily separated her lips from Lindsey’s. Emily looked into Lindsey’s eyes again as she dropped her hands down to Lindsey’s side, her fingertips grasping the bottom edge of Lindsey’s shirt. “Can I?” she asked in a low, raspy voice.

Lindsey’s eyes flashed with pain momentarily before she dropped eye contact, looking down. “Will you turn the light off first please?” Lindsey asked, her voice barely audible. She knew that Emily had seen her undress countless times in change rooms, but somehow, this felt different to her. Too intimate. Too vulnerable. 

Emily wanted to kiss away the sadness and uncertainty she saw in Lindsey’s eyes. She knew what it was. Lindsey had never talked to her about what had happened to her at PSG until she was about to record a podcast and it was one of the questions her agent had been given prior to the interview. She finally brought it up then, and Emily had been horrified and disgusted by the way Lindsey had been treated. The night Lindsey told her, she remembered wrapping Lindsey in her arms and holding her as she sobbed, painful memories flooding back to the surface. Emily had been so filled with rage towards someone she had never even met. Rage was an emotion she never even really experienced, but the thought of someone breaking Lindsey like that was all it took. She never wanted Lindsey to feel like that again. 

Emily got up from the bed and switched off the light. She returned to her spot, kneeling in front of Lindsey, resting back on her heels.

“Thank you,” Lindsey mumbled shyly.

Emily slowly lifted Lindsey’s shirt over her head, tossing it aside. She let her hands run along Lindsey’s bare neck, to her shoulders, and down her arms, before finding Lindsey’s back.Emily lowered Lindsey down on the bed again, remaining above Lindsey on her hands and knees. Her eyes fell to Lindsey’s naked body, admiring her through the small amount of light breaking in from the street lamp outside of her window. She couldn’t help but look at Lindsey; she was gorgeous. 

Lindsey lifted her hands to Emily’s hips, working her way up Emily’s ribs to the bottom of her sports bra. She slid her fingers underneath the band, lifting it over Emily’s head. Her hands found Emily’s breasts for the first time, first taking them fully into her palms and then focusing the fingertips of her thumbs and index fingers on Emily’s now-hard nipples. 

Emily rushed in to kiss Lindsey, trying to muffle the moan that was about to escape from her mouth. Lindsey’s lifted her right hand and ran it through Emily’s hair, her palm stopping on the back of Emily’s head, pulling Emily down closer to her until there was no space between their bodies. After a few minutes of kissing, Emily slid halfway off of Lindsey’s body, propping herself up on one forearm.She sucked on Lindsey’s earlobe, then let her tongue trail down the tendon along the side of Lindsey’s neck. She stopped at Lindsey’s collarbone, sucking hard on the spot.Then, she peppered Lindsey’s bare chest with small kisses all the way down from her collarbone to her breast. Emily’s adjusted position gave her access to play with Lindsey’s nipple with one hand while she let her tongue explore Lindsey’s other nipple. Emily couldn’t help but smile as she felt Lindsey’s nipples harden under her touch.

Lindsey let out a quiet moan as Emily gently twisted her nipple between her thumb and index finger. At the same time, Emily used the underside of her tongue to trace circles around Lindsey’s other nipple, sending Lindsey spiraling with pleasure. Lindsey dug her fingers into Emily’s back in response. Emily began grinding her pelvic bone against Lindsey’s center. Almost immediately, they began moving together in sync. Barely able to catch her breath, Lindsey slid her hands down Emily’s back, grasping her ass, pulling Emily into her harder with every thrust. A soft nibble of Lindsey’s nipple between Emily’s teeth finally sent Lindsey over the edge. 

Emily came back up, her lips finding Lindsey’s. They kissed in brief spurts, Lindsey still breathing hard. Their bodies were still moving together, Lindsey’s as she squeezed Emily thigh between her groin with the reverberations of her orgasm, and Emily’s as she rubbed her clit against Lindsey’s well-muscled leg.

Lindsey’s hands were still on Emily’s ass, so she used her nose to nudge Emily’s face to the side so she could suck on the spot right behind Emily’s ear. They were both going to wake up with red marks tomorrow, but Lindsey didn’t care. She whispered into Emily’s ear in a husky voice, “I want to feel you inside of me, Em.”

Emily slid her hand in between Lindsey’s legs, feeling her wetness soaking through her underwear. “Fuck, baby. You’re so wet,” she murmured. Emily kissed her way down Lindsey’s body slowly. She took her time at Lindsey’s hip bones, tracing them with her tongue to Lindsey’s pleasure; she was so ticklish there. Emily loved finding new sensitive spots on her girlfriend’s body. She hooked her thumbs under the waistband of Lindsey’s underwear, expertly sliding them off as Lindsey raised her hips to assist. Emily planted a soft kiss on both of Lindsey’s inner thighs.As she worked her way back up, her face passed close enough by Lindsey’s center that she could feel Emily’s breath on her. Lindsey sighed and squirmed with pleasure. 

Emily began kissing Lindsey again, deep and passionately, their tongues fighting for dominance. Lindsey felt Emily’s hand slide back between her legs, this time no fabric there to separate them. Emily entered Lindsey with two fingers. Lindsey let out a small, low moan. Emily began moving her fingers in and out of Lindsey slowly. As Emily settled on stroking Lindsey’s g-spot, Lindsey’s breathing grew faster and Emily could see her face contorting with pleasure, her eyes squeezed shut. With one hand, Lindsey reached down and held Emily’s wrist, keeping Emily’s fingers inside of her, directly on her g-spot. With her other hand, she pulled Emily into her as hard as she could. Wanting no space between their bodies, she wrapped her leg around Emily as well. Lindsey’s moans became more frequent and higher in pitch as she moved closer to orgasm. Finally, she let out a loud “fuck!” her walls contracting against Emily’s fingers and her wetness filling Emily’s hand. She held Emily’s hand in place for a few moments longer, her body quivering. “Babe,” she whispered into Emily’s ear, but she was unable to finish her sentence. Her hips continued rocking under Emily as she recovered.

Emily kissed her softly, looking into her eyes, before kissing her way down Lindsey’s front again, even slower this time. When she reached Lindsey’s hip bones, she used her hands to gently spread Lindsey’s legs apart. Emily hooked her arms under Lindsey’s hamstrings, reaching around to grab her hands, giving them a gentle and reassuring squeeze. She lapped up Lindsey’s wetness separating Lindsey’s lips with her strong tongue.She found Lindsey’s opening, teasing her as she pushed her tongue in and out. And then she moved up to Lindsey’s clit, hard and swollen now. Emily flicked it with her tongue, causing Lindsey to squeeze Emily’s hands even harder. She circled Lindsey’s clit with her tongue, eliciting more moans. Lindsey let go of Emily’s hands and tangled her fingers in Emily’s hair. Emily’s hands found their way to Lindsey’s lower stomach.Emily knew she had teased Lindsey enough, and began focusing on licking Lindsey’s clit with hard, consistent pressure. Lindsey pulled Emily’s head into her to increase the intensity.“Baby, don’t stop.Oh God!” she cried, her back arching. Emily’s lungs were burning. Thankfully, Lindsey only lasted another moment before squirting into Emily’s mouth. “Fucking shit,” she managed to get out, her chest rising and falling as she tried to catch her breath. “Babe.That was fucking incredible.”Her clit was still throbbing. Lindsey pulled Emily up towards her, kissing her, tasting herself on Emily’s lips. She squeezed Emily as hard as she could, her clit still throbbing. She needed the pressure of Emily’s toned thigh still between her legs. Lindsey ran her fingers up and down Emily’s back and ass slowly as she caught her breath.Finally, she was able to talk again. “I want to taste what you taste like, Em,” she whispered into Emily’s ear. 

Emily lifted her head off of Lindsey’s chest, looking into her eyes in the darkness. Lindsey rolled her over. Emily reached up and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Lindsey’s ear.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, babe,” Lindsey said, shakily.She began touching Emily’s breast again, lightly circling her nipple with one finger. 

“There’s nothing you can do that won’t feel good,” Emily reassured Lindsey. “I promise.”

“But you’ll tell me if I’m not doing it right?” Lindsey asked.

Emily touched Lindsey’s cheek softly, nodding as she stared into Lindsey’s eyes, trying to convey to Lindsey that she had nothing to worry about. 

Lindsey moved between Emily’s legs, her tongue exploring Emily’s folds, tasting Emily’s wetness.She quickly found Emily’s clit, stroking it with her tongue. “Slow down, baby,” Emily whispered. Lindsey softened her tongue for a bit until Emily’s moans told her that she was close to orgasm.“Yes, baby! Yes,” Emily cried as she came. She pulled Lindsey up toher, wrapping her arms around Lindsey tightly, and burying her face in Lindsey’s neck. She hadn’t had an orgasm in so long, and the intensity of it was overwhelming.

Lindsey was tense though, and after a minute, she squirmed out of Emily’s arms and laid beside her on the bed.Emily rolled over on her side to face Lindsey, throwing her leg over Lindsey’s body to maintain some form of closeness. She stroked Lindsey’s cheek softly, and leaned forward to kiss her. “Was it ok?”  Lindsey asked nervously.

Emily’s eyes widened. “So much better than just ok. You’re sure you’ve never done that before?” she asked, dispelling Lindsey’s fears and bringing a smile to Lindsey’s face. Emily didn’t know how long she laid there like that, but she found herself lost in Lindsey’s eyes. She could look into those eyes forever. Even in the dim light, she could see the way they crinkled around the edges when Lindsey smiled; it made Emily feel like her heart was going to burst. “I love you, Linds,” she said softly.

“I love you too, Em,” Lindsey said back, her voice clear and more confident now. “So much.” 


	17. Fuck the Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny doesn’t get to play because of her red card, and it’s like the Thorns don’t have a defense without her.

Game day. It was finally sinking in that she wasn’t going to play.She went out to a late breakfast with Lindsey and ordered her usual, even though she didn’t need it for fuel. The normalcy made her feel a little bit better about the fact that she wasn’t going to play that night. 

Emily hated not playing. Absolutely hated it. Not even having all of her teammates looking for her up in the box before the game started made her feel better, though every time they looked up at her, she tried to make them laugh by dancing.Typical Sonnett. Always. Lindsey caught her eye a few times, even when she was in the huddle before the whistle blew. And, they did their handshake long distance - field to box. That made Emily smile. A genuine smile. 

But her smile didn’t last long. The game was a disaster almost from the start. A 0-6 loss, the worst in Thorns history. Emily was devastated and blamed herself. The only bright spot of the game was how Lindsey played. Emily was so proud of how hard she worked going box to box until she was subbed out. 

After the final whistle blew, Emily made her way down to the field with some of her injured teammates. She kept her distance from Lindsey though.She felt so self-conscious around her in public now. It felt like everyone could tell that they were together.It was a feeling she had never experienced before. They had always been so carefree around each other, and she mourned the loss of that. 

Lindsey has assured her that nothing needed to change between them, and that people would notice more if they didn’t continue to act like they always did with each other, but Emily found herself hanging back on the sideline instead of going to talk to Lindsey. She tried to tell herself it was because Lindsey was so bummed about the team’s performance, but that wasn’t it at all; she was afraid to be seen with Lindsey. Instead, she headed for Tobin to give her a high five, a crappy consolation after such a huge defeat. Tobin sat on the field, back hunched, knees bent, head down. At first, she wouldn’t even look up at Emily, but finally Emily grabbed her hand and forced her fingers open enough to at least put her palm on Tobin’s hand. It didn’t do much to cheer Tobin up. Emily knew there was nothing she could do to soften the loss; it would just take Tobin time. She took every loss hard. So did Lindsey. It was going to be a long night... and a long 10 days before they could get back on the field and fix things.

Emily typically wasn’t affected by loses like Tobin and Lindsey were, but this time was different.She felt a weight on her shoulders from the responsibility of letting the defense down. She wasn’t the entire defense by any means, but she couldn’t help but feel at fault for tonight. 

She was suddenly glad she hadn’t ridden to the game with Lindsey.As soon as the team headed to the locker room, after a brief huddle with Mark and signing autographs for fans, she was able to get in her car and head home, alone.

When Lindsey, Caitlin, and Ellie finally made it home, Emily was sitting on the deck, looking at the Portland skyline, all lit up in the dark. She was sipping a glass of white wine. Caitlin and Ellie headed to Ellie’s room, seemingly unbothered by the events at the stadium, as they giggled holding hands all the way down the hall.Lindsey grabbed a wine glass from the kitchen and walked outside to be with Emily. She poured herself a glass and then softly glided her fingers over the back of Emily’s neck as she walked around her to sit down next to her. She leaned on Emily’s shoulder and laid her hand on her favorite spot - Emily’s thigh - tucking it in to keep warm. As the light had faded on the city, the temperature had dropped. Lindsey cuddled into Emily, trying to stay warm. After a few minutes, a chill ran through Lindsey and Emily felt her shiver. She silently got up, went inside, and brought back a blanket. Before wrapping them up in it, she refilled their glasses, then settled back into cuddling with Lindsey. 

They didn’t speak for a long time.Finally Emily broke the silence. “You were so good tonight, Linds.”Lindsey didn’t lift her head, but Emily could feel her shake it, silently disagreeing. “I mean it, I’m not just saying it to make you feel better or because I’m your girlfriend. I could see the whole field from where I was. You were so good. You were everywhere tonight.You didn’t stop. You didn’t give up.”

Lindsey didn’t think she played well at all, but she could tell that Emily was being genuine. Her voice was different. It got kind of hoarse and quiet when she wasn’t trying to be funny.Thanks,” Lindsey said quietly. “It would’ve been a different game if you had been out there.”

“I’m sorry,” Emily replied. “I’m sorry I let the team down.”Her voice cracked. “I’m sorry I let you down.” 

“You didn’t let us down, Son.That’s not what I meant. I just know that sometimes you don’t realize how valuable you are to our defense. To our team. Having you out there makes a difference. A big one. You hold that back line together.”It was Emily’s turn to shake her head in disagreement. “I mean it,” Lindsey continued. “You’re good Em.You’re so good, too.”Lindsey knew how much Emily doubted her playing abilities, her value to the team. She never quite felt like she was good enough, deserving of a spot. And she used her humor to hide those insecurities. “Like Mark said,” Lindsey added, “it’s over and done with. We learn. We get better. We move on.”

“But also, fuck the Courage,” Emily added, lightening the mood.” Lindsey laughed, nodding in agreement. 

Lindsey shifted and threw her legs over Emily, still under the blanket. Emily leaned over and refilled their glasses, finishing off the bottle, and began rubbing Lindsey’s calves. Lindsey closed her eyes, enjoying the moment. She stared up at the sky and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “You know, I could stay out here all night,” Emily said. 

“Please don’t,” Lindsey replied flatly, “it’s too cold.” 

“You wouldn’t stay out here even if it were warm,” Emily laughed. 

“I might,” Lindsey retorted, unconvincingly.

“Ok, we’ll go camping when the season is over. You know Tobes will be in. You and Christen can come experience tent life.Real nature.Sleeping outside.”

Lindsey looked at Emily like she was crazy. “You know that it’s winter when our season ends, right?We’re not going camping. But,” Lindsey paused, thinking, “maybe we should go somewhere.After our last two friendlies. Somewhere tropical maybe?” she suggested. 

Emily thought about it for a moment.“So what you’re saying is, I’d get to see you in a swimsuit?”Her hands moved from Lindsey’s calves to her thighs.

“Maybe,” Lindsey shrugged, raising her eyebrows as she teased Emily.“You might get lucky.”

“Fuck camping! We going to the beach!” Emily shouted.

Lindsey laughed again, relived that Emily was smiling and joking, and realizing she was ok now, too.She understood that that was the beauty of the two of them - everything was always better when they were together.They had the ability to shut out the world and focus on each other, and then things were all right. “So all I had to do was offer the chance to see me half naked and you’re in?Just like that?” she asked playfully.

“Um, yeah,” Emily replied, incredulous that Lindsey would even ask such a question. 

“Well then, if you give up this ridiculous idea of spending the night out here, you can see me naked.In your bed. Right now.”She got up, kissed Emily softly, and walked inside, laughing to herself as she heard Emily rushing to follow behind her. And Emily didn’t care that Lindsey was loving how she made Emily weak for her.


	18. Don’t You Ever Knock?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily’s starting to feel the pressure of the public finding out that Soran is a real thing.

“Don’t you two ever sleep with clothes on!” Ellie shouted, feigning disgust as she burst into Emily’s bedroom. Emily groaned. She and Lindsey were half covered, but she threw the sheet over the rest of their bodies as Ellie entered. 

“Don’t you even knock?” Lindsey retorted, but it was hard to be mad at Ellie’s fun-loving, goofy spirit.Ever. Caitlin followed closely behind her, apologetic,but nonetheless, she had no shame and entered the bedroom. Both Aussies plopped down on Emily’s bed, making themselves comfortable. 

“Why are you two still in bed? It’s almost noon,” Ellie whined.“Let’s go do something.”It was Friday. They had the day off before a light training in the morning and travel to Tacoma on Saturday, then their game against the Reign on Sunday.“How about a spa day?”

Lindsey looked over and could tell that Emily was uncomfortable with the idea, with being in public. At home, they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Since the night of the Utah game, they had only spent a couple of nights apart, when Emily had gone home for a few days between the loss to the Courage and their game against the Dash. She had told Lindsey she just needed some time with her family because she missed them, but Lindsey couldn’t help but think that Emily was trying to get out of Portland and away from the public eye for a bit.

Back in Portland, other than their weekly brunch date, she had refused to spend time with Lindsey outside the house. She wouldn’t even go out when it was the four of them. And she was conspicuously absent from social media. She wouldn’t talk to Lindsey any more about it than what she had already mentioned, but Lindsey could tell the thought of their relationship going public was eating away at her.

“Why don’t you go with them, Son,” Lindsey said kindly, squeezing Emily’s hand under the sheet. “I have some errands to run. And I can go grocery shopping.”She had always gone grocery shopping with Emily, but Emily had insisted on going by herself the last few times. Lindsey figured that at the least, she owed that to her girlfriend. 

“You would have like no idea what to buy!” Emily laughed.“No, I’ll go get groceries. You go enjoy a spa day.”

Lindsey looked over at Caitlin and Ellie, and asked them to give her a minute. When they left the room, she pulled Emily on top of her. She brushed Emily’s hair back as it fell into her face, and she tried unsuccessfully to wipe away the worry lines on Emily’s forehead. She pulled Emily’s face towards hers, kissing her softly. “I want you to go with them. You need to get out and have some fun, and if you won’t go with me, it’s ok.” Emily started to protest, but Lindsey raised her finger to Emily’s lips. Emily went silent. “We’re not arguing about this. You’re going. And if you think I suck at grocery shopping, you can give me a list.” She kissed Emily again, letting her fingertips lightly rub Emily’s back. When their lips finally separated, Emily nodded, bringing a smile to Lindsey’s face.

Emily really did enjoy her time at Knot Springs with her teammates. She made a mental note to thank Lindsey when she got home. She kept her phone nearby, knowing that Lindsey would text her with questions about their grocery list, and she did. Repeatedly. Emily just _might_ have made it vague on purpose so she would have an excuse to still talk to her girlfriend during the afternoon. Apples?_This store has like 27 different kinds_. Bananas?_How many?_Eggs?_Does it matter if they were brown or white?__ Do they taste different?_ Just about the only things that girl could put in her cart without help was bottled water and yogurt, and Emily knew this.

Lindsey asked Emily for pictures of her spa day, so Emily sent one of her feet, which she captioned “foot soup,” and then, since she cracked herself up, she added it to her insta story. Lindsey was less than impressed, but happy to see Emily being funny on social media again.

The three returned to their house in high spirits. Emily found Lindsey in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher, and came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s waist as she stood on her tippy toes to nuzzle Lindsey’s neck. “Thanks,” she whispered in Lindsey’s ear.

“For what?” Lindsey asked, knowing full well what Emily was referring to, but relishing in the opportunity to hear Emily admit that she was right.

“For making me go. For going grocery shopping for us. For understanding how I feel about all of this.”

“I don’t understand at all, Sonnett,” Lindsey admitted, “but you’re welcome.” 

Later, after dinner, Emily was in the kitchen cleaning up and Lindsey was helping Caitlin and Ellie make tiktok videos. She walked over and stood in the doorway, watching them.They begged her to make one, or join them, it was sooo her brand after all, but she just shook her head and laughed. Lindsey saw a brief flash of sadness in Emily’s eyes though. Once the three friends got it right, they dispersed, and Lindsey led Emily by the hand to her bedroom. 

As soon as they had closed the door, Emily pinned Lindsey up against it, pressing their bodies together and kissing her hungrily. “I had fun today,but I missed you,” she said breathlessly, pulling away only for a second. 

Lindsey smiled into the kiss. “I wish you’d dance with us, Em,” Lindsey said wistfully. “You’re avoiding social media like the plague.You don’t need to.”

Emily changed the subject, hoping to distract Lindsey. “I’ll dance. But just for you. Your own private show,” she grinned mischievously. She pulled her phone out of the pocket of her short jean shorts, and picked a song, then set her phone on the dresser. Lindsey was still standing against the door.Emily started walking towards her seductively, singing “_Oooh, don’t we look good together?There’s a reason why they watch all night long.”_

For a split second, Lindsey pondered how ironic it was that Emily had chosen a song about showing your girl off when she worked so hard to avoid being seen with her in public, but her mind soon went blank. Emily stopped a few feet from her pulled her shirt over her head, tossing it aside, then turned around. In the dim lights, Lindsey’s eyes moved from Emily’s well-muscled back down to her ass, as she shook it, backing up into Lindsey. The way Emily dropped it, and touched herself as she slowly came back up sent Lindsey’s mind spinning. She let out a slow breath trying to control herself as Emily began grinding up against her.Her arms wrapped around Emily’s hips, feeling her skin, feeling her movements. The song changed. She turned around placing her triceps on Lindsey’s shoulders and running her fingers through Lindsey’s hair as she rubbed up against Lindsey.Emily stared into her eyes. 

Lindsey’s hands moved from Emily’s back down to her ass, grabbing it as she began to sway her own hips in time with Emily’s. “Son,” she half moaned, half whispered before kissing Emily deeply.She bit Emily’s bottom lip, maybe a little too hard. Emily drew in a sharp breath butdidn’t stop kissing her. Lindsey kissed it softly twice in an effort to take the sting away, but then found herself sucking on Emily’s lip. Emily’s tongue slid into her mouth, but Lindsey fought her back for dominance. She couldn’t take it anymore. Pushing herself away from the door, she walked Emily towards her bed, their lips not separating until she laid Emily down. 


	19. You Feel Like Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We don’t hold hands. Ever.”

It was the day before the Thorns game against the Seattle Reign.With Seattle only a few hours away, the team wasn’t flying this time.As the bus pulled away from the curb, Lindsey felt Emily’s hand slip into hers. “We don’t hold hands at all, huh?” she asked playfully, reaching over to poke Emily in the ribs. 

“Stop it,” Emily whispered, settling back in her aisle seat for their drive.

“Well are you going to hold my hand the whole time?”

“Maybe... if you’re lucky,” Emily replied, closing her eyes. Three hours of holding Lindsey’s hand didn’t seem like a bad idea. And no one on the bus would think twice about it, because truthfully, they always held hand on the bus. She began to nod off, having not gotten much sleep the night before. Not that she was upset about it.

* * *

Emily inserted her key card in the slot and held the door to their hotel room open for Lindsey.They were finally getting to room together again on a roadtrip, and both were thrilled about it. Even though they lived together, there was just something about getting to stay together in a hotel room, when the majority of their team didn’t even know about their relationship. It was different, kind of exciting. 

Emily tossed her bags on the bed closest to the door and collapsed on the bed opposite the window. Lindsey leaned against the wall, looking at her. “What are you doing?” she asked. “You just slept for 3 hours.And are you planning on taking up both beds?”

“Ok, first of all, we only need one bed. And secondly, I’ll have you know, I am very sleep deprived because you keep me up past my bedtime every night. And last night?That was laaaate, so I -“

Lindsey interrupted her. “I don’t recall hearing any complaints. Last night or any other night for that matter. I heard things. I heard my name. I heard you tell me not to stop. I heard a string of curse words. But complaints?As I recall it, there were none.”

“Ok,” Emily laughed shyly, blushing.“That _might_ be accurate.” 

Lindsey walked over the bed, lowering herself down over Emily, but still holding herself up with her arms, keeping just enough distance between them.“I won’t keep you up like that anymore then,” she promised,” as she leaned in to kiss Emily.Her tongue passed across Emily’s lips.She kissed Emily’s strong jaw line, her ear, behind her ear. She unzipped Emily’s hoodie just enough to expose her neck. One of Lindsey’s hands ran along the front of Emily’s neck, lightly, before she turned Emily’s head to the side, exposing the rest of her neck. Lindsey kissed Emily’s neck softly, then began sucking on the spot at the base of her neck, where her collarbone was, eliciting a small moan. Lindsey sucked harder as Emily squirmed under her. It hurt so good. Then just like that, she popped up and announced it was time for a coffee, leaving Emily wanting more. 

Emily whined, grabbing for Lindsey, trying to get her to reconsider, but her attempts were futile. Instead, she was forced to settle for going out with Lindsey and a bunch of their teammates for coffee and to explore Tacoma. A few hours later, they all returned to their rooms to shower and change before their team dinner.

Emily went to shower first. Before she knew it, Lindsey was joining her. She didn’t make eye contact with Emily right away, but it made Emily happy knowing how much more comfortable Lindsey was becoming around her now, allowing Emily to see her naked body.But Emily didn’t look at Lindsey’s body; she tipped Lindsey’s chin up and locked her eyes on Lindsey’s eyes. She didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.And, the fact of the matter was, she could get lost in Lindsey’s eyes. Forever if she were allowed to.Her favorite thing about staring into her girlfriend’s eyes was that when Lindsey stared back at her, it felt like Lindsey knew her. Like truly knew her, deep in her soul.“You didn’t turn the lights off,” Emily whispered into her ear, breaking eye contact. She ran her fingertips down Lindsey’s back softly, her other hand resting on Lindsey’s hip.

Lindsey looked back down shyly, “Hush,” she mumbled. 

“You’re beautiful,” Emily said, pulling her in closer and nuzzling her neck.Her hands dropped down and found Lindsey’s. They interlaced their fingers. “I like seeing you. All of you.  It turns me on,” Emily continued whispering in Lindsey’s ear. 

“You turn me on,” Lindsey replied. It was the best she could do in the moment. 

Emily smiled as the warm water fell down over their shoulders while they kissed.But after a few minutes of kissing, and hands straying, just a little, it was Emily’s turn to frustrate Lindsey.“We’re gonna be late to dinner,” she finally said ending their kiss.She wanted to have Lindsey, right there in the shower, more than almost anything, but she also didn’t want to arouse the suspicions of their teammates by showing up late together. 

Lindsey groaned.“Why must you ruin the moment?”

Emily smirked, stepping away.“I’ll make it up to you tonight.I promise.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that. Even if you’re tired.”

While Lindsey finished showering, Emily dressed in tight jeans with a crop top, and threw a jean jacket on, with a scarf and a ball cap to accessorize. 

After getting out of the shower, Lindsey put on some torn black jeans with a tee and then walked over to Emily’s suitcase. She began rummaging through it. “What are you doing?” Emily asked.

“I like wearing your clothes,” Lindsey shrugged, pulling out a sweatshirt. She then got a beanie from her own bag, to complete her outfit.

Emily couldn’t really argue with that. Secretly, she had always loved seeing Lindsey in her clothes. “You look so hot when you dress gay,” Emily said, walking up behind Lindsey and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s waist. She rested her chin on Lindsey’s shoulder, enjoying a moment before they had to go down to the restaurant. 

By the time they got downstairs, they could see from across the restaurant that there were only two seats left at the long table - next to each other - that their teammates had kindly left open for the ”best friends”. Emily swallowed hard. She felt Lindsey touch her hand, then grab it and squeeze it quickly. “Just act like we always do, Son, they don’t know.” Emily nodded. Lindsey dropped her had as they made their way to the table.

Dinner went smoothly. The food was delicious and the conversation flowed. Lindsey noticed that Emily seemed to be more herself, reaching over with her fork and eating out of Lindsey’s plate. She smiled, she laughed, she joked, she leaned on Lindsey’s shoulder. Lindsey loved watching her girlfriend entertain the entire table with her jokes and antics. Their teammates were still none the wiser to what was going on between them, not even when Lindsey touched Emily’s knee under the table or held her hand, gently stroking the back of it with her thumb.

After dinner, as they were heading out of the restaurant, Emily asked Lindsey if she wanted to go for a walk. They didn’t have a curfew; Mark wasn’t the kind of coach to micromanage. His ability to treat them as responsible professionals capable of making good decisions was one of the reasons he had built such an enviable culture in Portland. Surprised by the invitation, Lindsey agreed. Tobin noticed them walking away from the elevators and winked at them.

They headed down to the Tacoma Waterfront. In the chilly air, there were few people out for a Saturday night. As they walked along the paved path, Emily slid her hands into Lindsey’s.Eventually, they stopped walking, leaning against the railing, staring out over the water. The light of the city on the other side shined in the distance. The moonlight sparkled on the surface of the water. In the silence, all they could hear was the lapping of the water against the shore and the beating of their own hearts in their ears. 

Emily didn’t turn to look at Lindsey at first. She couldn’t. But in a meek voice, so unlike the loud boisterous Emily at the dinner table, she said, “You make me happy, Linds. So happy. I know I don’t ever tell you, and I just need you to know that.” 

“You make me happy too, Son,” Lindsey replied softly, squeezing Emily’s hand for emphasis. “I’ve never been this happy in my entire life.”

The two women turned towards each other. Lindsey took Emily’s other hand in hers. In the dim light of the street lamp, Emily could see Lindsey smile. She loved the way Lindsey smiled with her eyes, way her eyes crinkled around the edges. That one dimple, the one in her right cheek. “You feel like home to me,” she whispered so quietly that it was barely audible over the sound of the water. 

Lindsey put her hand on Emily’s face, lightly caressing her cheek with her thumb before pulling her in for a kiss. It was long. Slow. Sensual. Hints of tongues barely glancing over lips, leaving a desire for more. Lindsey’s hand moving from Emily’s cheek to her neck. Emily’s hand moving from Lindsey’s hand to the small of her back. 

Emily finally pulled away, breathless. “I think I promised you some quality naked time tonight,” she said. “I was thinking a nice back massage to help with the aches from the bus ride, and then maybe a massage... elsewhere?”Emily watched in enjoyment as a grin spread across Lindsey’s face. “Wanna head back?”

“I feel like maybe we should jog back?You know, cause it’s cold out,” Lindsey said, crinkling her nose. “Not because I want to hurry back or anything.”


	20. An Hour In The Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What else would you be doing in the shower for that long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

In fact, they did not jog back; Emily refused to run in flats and jeans. She walked back to their hotel, holding Lindsey’s hand until they got to the lobby.And, she snuck a kiss on the elevator ride up to their floor, causing both women to grin like teenagers sneaking around.Lindsey appreciated Emily’s efforts at showing her affection outside of their bedrooms.

The massage she gave Lindsey was so good, that Lindsey knew she would have fallen asleep had she not been anticipating what was coming afterwards. Emily did not disappoint on that front either, putting her magical fingers and tongue to work to satisfy Lindsey over and over and over again, until they were both so out of breath that they collapsed into each other and passed out from exhaustion. 

* * *

The next morning, they woke up in a tangle of sheets and naked limbs.Emily was more than content to stay in bed, but Lindsey had other plans, and she knew their time was limited; they’d have to head out with their teammates soon, as they had promised Cait, Ellie, and Hayley that they would meet up with Steph, Lydia, Jodie, and Emma for breakfast. She dragged Emily to the bathroom, ignoring Emily’s groans and mumbled complaints about how early it was and the torture Lindsey was inflicting upon her. Emily leaned against the wall,half asleep, seemingly unaware that her girlfriend was still naked and standing before her. Lindsey had to put toothpaste on Emily’s toothbrush for her, and then had to put the toothbrush in Emily’s hand. Still, Emily didn’t seem like she was ready to function. 

Lindsey finished brushing her teeth and closed the few steps between the two of them, pressing her naked body against Emily to get her attention. “Does this feel like torture?” she asked breathlessly into Emily’s ear. Despite the warmth of their bodies together, Emily shivered. Her eyes popped open and she was instantly more coherent. “Brush your teeth, and then come join me.There were things I wanted to do to you in the shower yesterday, but we just _had_ to get to dinner on time.”Lindsey rolled her eyes and turned towards the shower. Emily reached out to smack Lindsey’s butt, but missed.Lindsey giggled and got into the shower, leaving Emily staring at her naked backside, her mouth wide open. 

Emily hurried to brush her teeth and followed Lindsey into the steamy shower, closing the door behind her. As soon as she entered, Lindsey met her, pushing her up against the glass wall. Her lips found Emily’s, softly kissing first the top and then the bottom. Her fingertips traced Emily’s abs.Emily’s hand rested on Lindsey’s forearm.Her nipples brushed against Lindsey, already hard despite the heat. 

Lindsey pulled Emily around and pushed her against the opposite wall - a much stronger surface - and began to sway her hips against Emily.Emily pulled her closer and kissed her hungrily, but Lindsey pulled away. “I wish I could dance like you,” Lindsey said wistfully, looking into Emily’s eyes. 

Emily spun Lindsey around.Wrapping her arms low around Lindsey’s waist, she began moving her hips with Lindsey, hands guiding her.Lindsey leaned her head back onto Emily’s shoulder. “Wanna know a secret?” Emily asked as she lightly kissed Lindsey’s temple.Lindsey, eyes closed, let out a little confirmation murmur. “Dancing is like sex,” she continued. “During sex, there’s not a lot you can do wrong with your tongue down there.And when a hot girl comes and dances up on you, you’re not really thinking about her dancing ability.So trust me, you dancing is hot hot.” 

“So what are you thinking about when hot girls come and dance up on you?” Lindsey asked, her voice a raspy whisper. She reached back and began running her fingers through Emily’s hair. 

“Well,” Emily hesitated for a moment.“I think about how good her hair smells.How I want to bury my face in her neck.I think about her ass pressed against me. And about trying to behave myself so that my hands don’t stray to places they shouldn’t.

“Like here?” Lindsey asked, guiding one of Emily’s hands to her breasts. 

Emily swallowed hard. She couldn’t get her words out at first. Even after 3 weeks, she still couldn’t believe that this beautiful woman was hers. It still felt like a dream.“Like that, yeah,” she finally managed to choke out.

Lindsey’s hand still atop Emily’s, she slid it down from her breasts and over her stomach. Emily wasn’t the only one who still couldn’t believe that what they had was really real; the 25 year old was still shocked by how free she felt with Emily. Sex with a guy had never been like this for her; it had always been robotic.It was something she had to do, and she would go through the motions.It was fine, but it was never mind-blowing.She had never craved sex with Russell. But the things she wanted to do with and to Emily... she couldn’t get those thoughts out of her mind.

Lindsey was wet, and not from the water. She continued guiding Emily’s hand lower over her v-line, until Emily’s fingers touched her clit.She relinquished control but didn’t let go as Emily took over, massaging in a circular motion.She dug her fingers into Emily’s scalp, moaning as Emily increased the pressure and speed until she came. 

As soon as she could catch her breath, she turned around, pinning Emily up against the wall and kissing her deeply.She had intended to make this morning about Emily and knew that if she wasn’t careful, Emily would be able to distract her.Lindsey moved from Emily’s lips, to her neck and then her collarbone. She softly placed her lips on her favorite spot this time instead of sucking. The mark was still a deep purple. Her lips moved to Emily’s chest and then her breasts, flicking one nipple with her tongue and the other with her finger. 

Lindsey dropped down between Emily’s legs.Her tongue teased Emily, sliding in and out between her lips before entering Emily.Emily closed her eyes and leaned back against the shower wall.Lindsey’s tongue made its way to Emily’s clit. She threw one of Emily’s legs over her shoulder so she could have a better angle. Emily opened her eyes and looked down at Lindsey, right as Lindsey raised her eyes up towards Emily.Their eyes locked, but Lindsey’s tongue continued to run slowly, softly over Emily’s clit.Lindsey got the confirmation she needed from Emily’s face, and a moment later, dropped her eyes. 

Her long, slow strokeseventually increased in intensity, causing pleasurable noises to escape from Emily’s mouth. Emily took Lindsey’s head in her hands, burying her fingers in Lindsey’s hair as she pulled Lindsey into her and adjusted her head just slightly.That was all it took.One loud whine and she orgasmed.Before she had the chance to stop her, Lindsey’s face was buried back in her girlfriend, licking as softly as she could as Emily came down from the high. As she noticed Emily’s body begin to relax, she began licking faster again, waiting for Emily to pull her in for more pressure. Soon, Emily did, and after of few moments of intense pressure from Lindsey’s tongue, a loud “Fuck!” escaped Emily’s lips and she came again. The two repeated this pattern of Lindsey softly licking and kissing between Emily’s legs as she recovered from each orgasm until she was ready to go again, and then Lindsey letting Emily guide her head and control the pressure. 

After more than a half dozen orgasms, Emily was too sensitive to continue. She dropped to the floor of the shower, trembling, eyes closed, breathing heavily. Lindsey curled up next to her, warm water splashing up from the floor around them. Lindsey tucked her hand around Emily’s arm and laid her head on Emily’s shoulder. Her heart was still racing. She couldn’t get over the fact that she loved bringing Emily to orgasm.It turned her on. It made her feel empowered.She finally sat back up and looked at Emily, who opened her eyes when she felt Lindsey move. 

“Was that worth getting up early for?” Lindsey asked playfully. 

Emily’s mind was still reeling from their electric experience and she couldn’t manage to think of a witty response.“I would wake up early for that any day of the week,” she said sincerely. “Linds, that was so, so good.”She leaned over and sweetly placed a kiss on Lindsey’s cheek. “You ready to shower for real so we can head down to meet Cait and El?” Emily asked. 

Lindsey nodded, standing up and offering her hands to pull Emily up as well. A quick shower, some clothes, a few kisses, and a couple of taps on the butt later, they were out the door,downstairs ready to go.The second they stepped into the hallway, it was back to their reality of acting like friends lest they see someone.Yet once they got to the restaurant with their friends, Emily’s tension seemed to melt away. Lindsey wasn’t quite sure if it was because they were around two other couples or because they were in a city where they likely wouldn’t be recognized, but she found Emily progressively more affectionate throughout the meal. It wasn’t anything more than what they used to have, but still, Lindsey was somehow comforted by their usual touchiness.She wasn’t ready to chalk it up to progress though, considering Emily still refused to be in any photos that would be going on the group’s social media. Nevertheless, the group had such a wonderful time catching up that they were temporarily able to forget that in a few hours, they’d be playing for, in the case of Portland, home field advantage during the semi-final. 


	21. It All Went Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey gets a concussion.

The Thorns were in the changing room preparing for their game against the Reign. Like always, Lindsey and Emily had held hands on the way to the stadium.They were feeling good, the team was in high spirits, they were all excited for their last away game and ready to get back to their winning ways after defeating the Dash.A home semifinal game was on the line, so this afternoon was big for them. They weren’t content with just making the playoffs; they wanted to be able to play in front of 20,000+ at Providence Park.

Emily pulled off her warmup top to put a long sleeve shirt underneath her jersey.As she was just pulling it over her head, she heard Tobin’s voice. “Hey Sonnett, did you get bitten by a spider or something in your hotel room?What _is_ that?”Emily knew immediately what Tobin was referring to - the mark Lindsey had left on her collarbone the night before. Her face turned as red as the Thorns home jersey. 

“Tobin,” Lindsey hissed.

“That’s what you get,” Tobin mouthed, a huge grin on her face. She shrugged, high-fived Lindsey for good luck, and headed back up to the box with the other injured Thorns.OnlyKling seemed to have noticed their interaction, and she was standing in front of them, mouth agape, eyes moving back and forth from Lindsey to Emily.But, surprisingly, she did a very un-Kling like thing and stayed silent.Lindsey and Emily were both thankful for that bit of grace, but knew they’d hear from her later.

* * *

Anthem.Huddle. Handshake. Lindsey was lining up as one of the double-pivot 6s next to Dagny for this game. It wasn’t her best position, but she knew there would be plenty of opportunities for her to act as a false 8 and get box to box. She just needed to push herself.She wanted to be able to get up so she could work in combination with Sinc. The team had been struggling to score goals lately. She knew that part of it was her deeper positioning this season, and the time away in France, but she was a natural scorer and wanted to help get Portland out of their slump. 

The game wasn’t going the Thorns way though. At the half, they were down 0-1, and Lindsey was getting beaten up. She was taken out at the knee by Yanez, and once at the ankle by Allie. A collision with Yanez partway through the second half left her limping. She knew she was going to have a hell of a contusion on her shin tomorrow. Still, she wanted to keep pushing, she didn’t want a sub. She was feeling fit. With about 20 minutes left, Lindsey had a great half volley from the top of the box, but Casey made a diving save to keep the Reign on top, 1-0. Lindsey just wasn’t getting the looks she wanted and was having to spend too much time in the Thorns defensive third.

Only a few minutes later, facing her own goal, Allie stripped her of the ball as she tried to turn, and set up a good chance for the Reign.And she let Megan get in behind her as well, but thankfully Emily was there to stop the shot before it could even reach AD. But less than a minute later, Bethany was able to turn on Menges and place the ball past AD’s outstretched arm to the lower right corner.2-0. It was looking like the Thorns really weren’t going to get that home semi after all. Their frustrations were showing through. Ellie got another chance on the right wing, but skied the ball. Lindsey could hear her scream “Fuck!” from across the field. 

It was the 83rd minute. Emily played the ball back to AD. AD spotted Lindsey making a run out of midfield. She drove a long ball up the field, the ball barely clearing the head of a Reign defender as Lindsey broke on it. This was her chance - was on her way to goal. The crowd noise was replaced by a high pitched hum in her ears. Her vision narrowed to only the ball. It was one of the weaknesses of her game still to this day and she knew it. In high pressure situations, as her blood pressure rose, her vision narrowed and she missed things. Like the fact that Casey was off her line, vulnerable to being chipped. And that Steph was closing in on her. And just like that, Steph stepped in, cutting her off as she took out Lindsey’s right knee. But Lindsey was back up as soon as the whistle blew, signaling the foul; she wasn’t about to let a trainer come onto the field, which would force her off momentarily. She wanted this free kick for herself. If she was going to become the best in the world, she was going to have to put the pressure of carrying a team on her own back. Lindsey stuck a low, hard ball to the left corner, barely hitting it wide. Another chance lost. She was frustrated even more than she was hurting. She could hear Emily in the background telling her it was a good look, trying to pick her up, but it did nothing to comfort her in the moment. 

Just like that, the Reign sprung free again, and Lindsey found herself defending Megan at the top of her own box.With only a minute left in regulation, Emily challenged late for the ball and was carded for a soft foul. It about summed up how the day was going. Lindsey was over it, but she saw Sinc still working so hard, and she wasn’t about to stop and let her captain down now.As stoppage time began, Lindsey flicked the ball to Simone at the top of the 6, but Simone missed near post. They just couldn’t catch a break. And they still had another 6 minutes of stoppage time to battle through. 

As time was running out, the Thorns lost the ball about 30 yards out from the Seattle goal. Lindsey didn’t hesitate and she stepped in to challenge with a tackle. There was no time to weigh whether it was worth the effort. Lindsey wanted to be the best player in the world, and the best players in the world don’t stop until the final whistle sounds. She stuck her leg out as she began to slide in for the ball.She collided with a Reign player. Her head slammed into the turf.Everything went black. 

Emily saw it all happen in front of her, as she had been pushed up into the offensive half. Play continued as the Thorns had the advantage,but when Lindsey didn’t get up, Emily instinctively went over and stood in front of where she was lying on the ground.It was the only way she knew how to protect her from an errant ball or a player possibly running over her. She kept her eyes on the play, but quickly glanced back to see if Lindsey was getting up. Instead, she saw her girlfriend crumpled on the ground, not moving. She yelled at the ref, trying to get his attention so he could stop play, but he didn’t hear her. Emily wasn’t about to leave where she was if she could help it. The ref still hadn’t heard her yelling at him. Seattle played a long ball up the field, and Emily knew she was going to have to track back,but as she started to make the run, she looked back again over her shoulder to see Lindsey in the same position on the pitch. Her heart sank; she knew it was bad. Thankfully, as the ref turned to move up the field, he saw Lindsey was down and blew his whistle. The training staff was immediately on the field. Emily came over and stood by Lindsey as she was checked out. As much as she wanted to kneel by her side, take her hand, talk to her, she resisted. Instead, she stood next to Allie, trying to hide her worry with humor, like always. The only thing that would have given her away was the wringing of her hands. Andthen she saw the stretcher coming out.Lindsey, in all of her toughness, was hurt so bad she wasn’t able to walk off the field under her own power. Emily was on the verge of a panic attack, but had to push it down, had to push what she feared was wrong with Lindsey out of her mind. They still had a few more seconds of clock to run out. 

The final whistle brought immediate relief to Emily, as it meant she could go check on her girlfriend. She tried to stay calm. She shook hands with the opposition and offered comforting pats on the back and robotic “good games” to her own teammates. But her mind was on Lindsey, and instead of staying on the pitch to socialize, she walked over to where Lindsey was finally sitting up on the sideline. She kept her distance, Tobin was already down from the box and checking on her too, but even though Lindsey was able to sit up, Emily had a bad feeling about the seriousness of her injury. She looked pale, her eyes weren’t focusing. She was complaining of a horrible headache. Emily looked from Bailey to Pierre; their grim faces weren’t helping the situation.

In the locker room, the Thorns showered and dressed quietly and quickly, anxious to get on the bus and head home. Teammates were coming by to check on Lindsey and she kept telling them that she was ok, but Emily knew otherwise. Lindsey was moving slowly, she kept stopping to grab her head, and she, Emily and Tobin ended up being the last ones in the locker room as everyone else headed to the bus. 

Finally, Emily could really check on Lindsey. She pulled a chair next to Lindsey’s and took one of Lindsey’s hands in both of hers. “Baby,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper from worry, “are you ok?How bad is it?” 

Lindsey tried to look up at her, but the light hurt her eyes too much. She shut them immediately, as hard as she could. “I’m fine, it just hurts so bad,” she told Emily.

But Emily detected something in Lindsey’s voice - Lindsey was scared;she didn’t really think she was fine. Emily looked around quickly then leaned in and kissed Lindsey as softly as possible on the cheek. Only Tobin was around. It was all right; the locker room was empty. Tobin helped Lindsey stand up and put her jacket on while Emily grabbed her bag and Lindsey’s. They slowly made their way to the bus, with Lindsey leaning heavily on Tobin. Mark jumped up as he saw them struggling to get up the stairs. 

At their seat, Lindsey motioned for Emily to sit against the window instead of in the aisle. Typically, on the way home from a game, Lindsey would lean against the window and throw her legs over Emily, which she had always explained away as needing to elevate them, but the truth was, she really did it because it left Emily with no where to put her hands except on Lindsey’s legs. And Emily has certainly never complained about it. But tonight, walking out to the bus had been such an effort, and had made her so dizzy, that she feared she would fall out of her seat once the bus started moving. Instead of leaning against the window, she leaned on Emily. “Please don’t let me fall,” she whispered, pulling Emily’s arm around her. And then she added, “I didn’t want to worry Tobin, but I’ve never hit my head that hard before Em. I’m scared.” 

“I know, baby.We’ll get you looked at again tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll be A-OK,” Emily reassured her, trying to make her voice sound as upbeat as possible, while being quiet enough that their teammates around them couldn’t hear them. But the truth was, she wasn’t sure at all.


	22. Harder Than I Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tobin is a really good friend.

By the time the team arrived back in Portland, the sun was just beginning to set. Emily was exhausted, and she was thankful that Lindsey finally was too. Halfway home, Lindsey had a moment of confusion, not understanding where she was or why her head was throbbing. Emily explained to her that they were on the way home from the game and that her head slammed into the turf earlier, and then she said the dreaded words - “You have a concussion, Linds.”

Lindsey had immediately become agitated, claiming she was fine and ready to play. It got so bad that Bailey had to come sit next to her until she finally calmed down. But Emily was worried; if Lindsey was this upset already, Emily could only imagine what was going to happen when she had to remind Lindsey of the upcoming Victory Tour games that she likely wouldn’t be able to play in. 

As they disembarked the bus, Bailey gave Emily instructions on how to take care of Lindsey and what to look out for, and then asked her to bring Lindsey to Providence Park in the morning so that she could be re-evaluated. Since Cait and Ellie had flown directly from Seattle back to Australia for the Matildas camp, Tobin insisted on following Emily home to help make sure she got Lindsey inside and to bed ok.Emily was thankful for the help. 

Back at their house, Lindsey was nauseous and tired, but she was much more coherent. Lindsey hadn’t showered at the stadium because the trainers had been with her, and now that she was ready to, Emily insisted that she take a bath, not a shower - because “baths are safer. No chance of falling,” Emily explained. She sat on the edge of the tub keeping a watchful eye the entire time.She scrubbed Lindsey’s back and washed her hair.When she was done, Emily wrapped Lindsey in a fluffy towel, and followed her down the hallway to Lindsey’s bedroom. She turned on a lamp and covered it with a towel to dim the light so it wouldn’t hurt Lindsey’s eyes, and grabbed a t-shirt and pajama pants for her to sleep in.Lindsey got dressed and climbed into bed cuddling under the covers. Emily sat up next to her, back propped against the headboard. “Don’t leave me,” Lindsey murmured as she drifted off to sleep holding Emily’s hand. 

Emily had no idea how long she had been there like that, staring at Lindsey in the dim light, feeling a slight panic every time she thought for even a split second that her girlfriend had stopped breathing. She had totally forgotten about Tobin in the other room until she heard a faint knock at the bedroom door. “Shit, Tob, I’m sorry,” she whispered as Tobin softly sat down on the edge of the bed. 

Tobin waived her off. “No worries,” she whispered back. “How is she?”

“Better I think,” Emily said, looking back down at her sleeping girlfriend, her face so angelic. 

“Good,” Tobin said before adding, “and how are you doing, Son?” she asked sincerely.

Emily looked up at Tobin, confused. “Oh, I’m fine, just tired. Worried. Sad for her because the games are in a few days.”

“No, I didn’t mean about tonight,” Tobin clarified, “I meant in general, like overall.We haven’t really had a chance to talk lately. Come on, let’s go catch up in the living room so we don’t wake her up.” 

“I can’t,” Emily explained.“I promised her I wouldn’t leave her.” 

Tobin was about to argue that Lindsey would have no idea if Emily was down the hall in the other room, but one look at Emily’s face and Tobin knew there was no point in trying to convince her friend otherwise; she wasn’t going to leave Lindsey’s side. Instead, Tobin chose to sprawl out at the foot of the bed. She repeated her question.

“I’m good,” Emily replied unconvincingly. “It’s hard, harder than I thought, I guess.”

“What is? Dating a teammate?” Tobin asked, keeping her tone hushed. 

“No, dating a woman,” Emily corrected. 

Tobin looked at her confused. “But you’ve - I thought -“

“Yeah, I have,” Emily cut her off to clarify, “but this is different. Dating a woman when it feels like the whole world is watching your every move is hard.I used to be able to go out on a date and no one would even give us a second look. I didn’t have to worry about someone snapping a photo of us and that photo ending up on social media. This World Cup, it brought a lot more attention than I realized it would. We get recognized everywhere.”

Tobin nodded. She understood that better than most. 

Emily continued. “I just can’t have my mom searching my name on insta and coming across something that someone posted. She can’t know.And if she is going to know, she really, really can’t find out like that.”

“You think she doesn’t know?” Tobin asked incredulously.“She knows, Son, she has to know. Moms always know.Plus, have you like seen how you dress?Waaaayyy gayer than me, and my mom knew.Trust me, your mom knows.And I don’t think she cares. She’s your mom.She loves you no matter what.”

Emily shook her head. “Your mom knew?”

“Yep. I remember when I finally took Chris home to meet my family, and I introduced her as my friend, my mom gave her a big ol’ hug and looked me dead in the eyes and told me not to devalue my girlfriend by calling her a friend. And not to lie to her. It was classic, dude.”

Emily let out a little half laugh, quickly glancing down to make sure she hadn’t disturbed Lindsey. Lindsey was still sleeping peacefully beside her. “You sounds like Lindsey, you know. She basically said the same thing, that my parents already have to know and they’ll love me no matter what,but I just don’t know.I’m just not ready.”

“You know I am all for keeping your private life private, but like, there’s a difference between not wanting the world to know and not letting the people you’re closest to know. I just really think you should talk to her.Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this, but she’s one of my best friends in the entire world and I want her to be happy. I think it bothers her more than she’s let you know,” Tobin confided. “Maybe you’re so lost in trying to keep your relationship a secret that you’re starting to lose the bond you guys have had all these years.

Emily’s face was flushed red.She hated being chided by Tobin. “I’ll talk to her when she’s better,” Emily mumbled, not looking up. “We’ll be ok.”

“Oh, I know you will be, dude.I’m not worried. I know how much you love her, Son. As soon as I saw the way you looked at her, I knew. I was like, ‘Dude, I bet that’s how I used to look at Chris!’And I know how much you cherish her. To have been in love with her for that long, and you didn’t say anything because she was in a relationship, you didn’t try anything, mad respect,” she said leaning forward to give Emily a fist bump.Emily meekly accepted it.“I know you’ll treat her well,” Tobin continued.“You’re a good person, one of the kindest I know. I would definitely not let you date her if I thought you would hurt her.”

“So you’re not mad at me?” Emily asked

“Nah, dude. We’re all right.I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you like I did awhile back. I just feel like I gotta protect her, you know.So when she finally was ready to tell you how she felt and you were gonna go on a date with someone else, that pissed me off because it was really hard for her to admit that to herself, and then to you, you know?But I get it. It’s not like you knew she was going to say that she loved you; it wasn’t like you planned a date with someone else to coincide with that. So like, I’m sorry about that Sonnett.” Emily nodded at her, her way of letting Tobin I know that it was ok.“Hey, is it cool if I spend the night?” Tobin asked, changing the subject. 

“Of course! You can take my bed,” Emily replied. 

“Nah, I’m good with the couch as long as you have a blanket.”

“Tobin, my sheets are clean. Sleep in my bed,” Emily argued. Then she added, “Do you think you could come with us in the morning when they look at her again?”Emily was worried about how Lindsey was going to react when the trainers told her she was going to be out for awhile. She didn’t think Lindsey had fully processed the extent of her injury yet.

“Of course, dude,” Tobin said sincerely. “Whatever you guys need.”


	23. I Can Take It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bailey knows her shit.

* * *

The next morning as the three teammates walked into Providence Park, Emily felt like she was more nervous than Lindsey about what was about to come. Since she had woken up, still with a bad headache, Lindsey had spent the entire morning talking about the upcoming National Team games. In between Emily making breakfast and Lindsey’s packing, Emily had tried to hint to Lindsey just how hard her head had hit the turf, but Lindsey waved it off. 

Tobin and Emily got into an ice bath while Bailey and Pierre started to evaluate Lindsey with the team doctor. It took a long time to run the battery of tests; Tobin and Emily ended their ice bath and sprawled out on empty training tables to wait. After a bit, Bailey came over to them, motioning them out into the hall with her.

“Guys, you’re going to need to make yourself scarce for a while.”She sounded serious. Emily narrowed her eyes, not understanding. “It’s bad,” Bailey continued.“I mean, we all knew she’d be out, but Doc doesn’t even want her traveling to your VT games at all. He says she needs to be on complete rest. He’s already called the USWNT staff and they agreed.”

“She’s going to flip,” Emily said, looking up at the ceiling and shaking her head. “I need to be there for her.”

“She is,” Bailey agreed. “And that’s exactly why you _can’t_ be here.”

“But I’m her - “ Emily didn’t finish the sentence. 

“Her best friend, her teammate?” Bailey asked in a knowing voice.Emily just stared at her, unable to answer. Bailey continued. “I know what’s going to happen, Son. We’re going to tell her she can’t travel, she’s going to argue, and you’re going to step in and side with us, tell her it’s for the best, it’s her brain, blah, blah, blah.She’s going to turn on you. It’s always easier to go after those we’re closest to, and she’s closest to you. You’ll be her target because she’ll see you as the one she can push away the hardest who won’t actually hate her for it in the end.”

“But... I can take it. Whatever she dishes out,” Emily tried to persuade Bailey otherwise. 

“Please trust me, Son.I’ve seen these things play out a hundred times. They’re always the same. I’m trying to protect your relationship. Even if you _can_ take it, she’ll hate herself for how she talked to you, once she realizes it.” But Bailey honestly didn’t think Emily could take it.She knew how much of a softie Emily was, and how much she adored Lindsey. She really was trying to protect Emily. 

Tobin noticed how distraught Emily looked. “Hey, I’ll stay with her,” she suggested. “There’s nothing she can do or say that will damage our friendship. We’re rock solid, I was there for all of her anger and frustration at PSG, she can yell at me all she wants.Go across the street and get a coffee, Sonnett.” 

Bailey nodded in agreement.“She’s in denial about how bad it is right now. When she gets past the anger and sees she can’t bargain with us, she’s going to crash, and she’s going to need you to be there for her. I don’t want you to be the bad guy, I want you to be the one to pick her up. Your job as her... _friend_,” Bailey said skeptically, “is to comfort her, tell her it’ll be all right,tell her she’ll be back on the pitch on no time.Try to convince her that she needs a beak anyway.Keep her from slipping into depression. Can you do that later, Son?”

Emily nodded in resignation and headed down the hall as Bailey went back inside the training room with Tobin. It was as bad as Bailey had guessed it would be. Lindsey had sought Bailey out a lot recently to talk to her about fitness and recovery; Bailey was very much aware of Lindsey’s burning drive to be the best player in the world, so she knew the thought of missing two games, even meaningless Victory Tour games, was going to be hard for Lindsey. And of course having a concussion was going to cause her to blow it out of proportion because her emotions were not properly regulated.

Doc told Lindsey she was out, and then, through the phone, patched in the team doctors from the USWNT who had double-checked the results of the tests and looked over the images. They were the ones who broke the worst news to Lindsey - she wasn’t going to be allowed to travel to the upcoming camp and games.That’s when Lindsey lost it - tears, screaming, slamming her phone into the wall, shattering the screen. And as soon as Tobin told Lindsey that the doctors were right and she needed to rest so her brain could heal, Lindsey turned on Tobin, just like Bailey had predicted. Tobin stood there and took it, unflinching, just like she had taken it from Christen for months after her mom had passed away.

* * *

Grief was grief, and Tobin understood the stages. When Christen’s mom had gotten sick, Tobin felt helpless; nothing she said or did could comfort Chris, so she did the only thing she could think of - she educated herself on grief. And then she was there for Christen the entire time, as her punching bag, her rock, her ear, her escape, her warmth, her distraction, whatever she needed in the toughest moments, in the time leading up to her mom passing, in the hospital, at the funeral, and during the World Cup. Christen had experienced the emotions all over again in France, almost unable to cope with her mom not being there. It was emotionally exhausting for Tobin. Some days, Christen couldn’t keep her hands off Tobin and they would spend hours naked in bed together. Other days, she’d scream at Tobin for every little thing, and Tobin took all of it in stride, without reacting. But Tobin had spoken with Jill and begged to room with Christen the entire tournament; she knew that Christen would need her, and surprisingly Jill had agreed to make it happen. As much as Tobin didn’t exactly like Jill, she would always be indebted to Jill for that. Out of all the things she had done in her life, Tobin actually felt proudest of how she had managed everything during those brutal few months, about her ability to remain so even-keeled that entire time, about knowing instinctively what Christen needed. Christen had given her everything good in her life for years, and Tobin was glad she was finally able to contribute something to their relationship and to Christen’s soccer career; she truly believed that they wouldn’t have made it, and Christen wouldn’t have played the way she did this past summer if she hadn’t understood what was going on behind Christen’s wild emotions. And it was why Tobin was so elated and relieved when Christen scored that goal against England in the semi-final. Christen’s mom was there for that, Christen felt it immediately. And it was when Tobin knew that Christen had finally climbed out of the water she had been drowning in, and that going forward, everything was going to be all right. No one had asked her lately about the highlight of her career, but if an interviewer ever did, Tobin knew exactly what her answer would be - “Christen’s goal in the 2019 World Cup semi-final,” a goal Tobin had both nothing and everything to do with. 

* * *

So in this moment, Lindsey’s rage was nothing for Tobin; she meant it when she said she didn’t care and it wouldn’t impact her. Tobin honestly couldn’t even hear what Lindsey was yelling at her. She stood there, making eye contact, but she wasn’t actually listening to the words coming out of Lindsey’s mouth. She stood like a statue until Lindsey collapsed into her arms, pounding on Tobin’s back with closed fists. Pierre moved forward to pull Lindsey off of Tobin, but Tobin just shook her head at him. Eventually, the pounding subsided and Lindsey’s cries became quiet, shuddering sobs. Tobin waited until Lindsey finally let go of her. She saw the pain in Lindsey’s eyes, now from how she had treated Tobin in addition to the pain from being ruled out. Tobin gave her a small punch on the shoulder and just shook her head at Lindsey, rolling her eyes. It was her way of letting Lindsey know it was all good. “C’mon, let’s get you home.” She texted Emily to meet them in the parking lot. Tobin nodded over her shoulder at the training staff, a signal that everything would be all right, and slowly led Lindsey out of the building.

“Where’s Em?” Lindsey questioned as they stepped out into the sun. She squinted because the light hurt her eyes. 

Just then, Emily rounded the corner, carrying a to-go container with coffees for both of her teammates.  “I’m right here, baby,” she called, trying to remain upbeat.She saw Lindsey squinting into the sun, her face contorted in pain. She set the coffee holder down on the hood of Tobin’s car and took the sunglasses off her own head, putting them on Lindsey gently. She pulled Lindsey in and held her for a long time, neither woman speaking. Over Lindsey’s shoulder, she mouthed a grateful “thank you” to Tobin. Tobin winked back and waited patiently for her two friends to get in the car so she could take them back home. Finally, Emily whispered in Lindsey’s ear, “Let’s go home, baby.”


	24. Thanks, Jello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jill Eliis deserves some fucking rights.

* * *

Back at home, Emily tucked Lindsey under a blanket on the couch, somehow feeling like a cocoon of warmth would protect her from everything that she couldn’t fix.She let Lindsey lay her head in her lap, but didn’t dare touch it, irrationally fearing further injury. Instead, she awkwardly placed her arm on the back of the couch, not touching Lindsey at all for awhile, until Lindsey finally reached up and grabbed her hand, needing the comfort. Tobin was sitting at the kitchen table on the phone with Lindsey’s mom, updating her about Lindsey’s injury. They were all supposed to catch a flight that evening to North Carolina for Jill’s second to last game with the team.Emily didn’t think she could do it, didn’t think she could get on the plane and leave Lindsey alone. Not now.

When Tobin came back into the room, Emily motioned to her to get her attention so she could step out. She went out to the deck and called Jill. 

“Hey, Sonny!” came Jill’s happy voice on the other end of the line. Emily knew most the the team, including Lindsey, never really like Jill, but Emily does. She respects the way Jill was able to manage all of their personalities down to the smallest details. She even had a knack for knowing who needed to room with whom depending on how things were going in their lives. She was going to get to room with Lindsey this trip, but now she’s not.Besides, Jill was the one who gave her her call-up, and for that she’ll always be grateful. Unlike Lindsey, and Carli, and Christen, who are all disappointed in their lack of playing time, Emily knows she doesn’t deserve to take the spot of any of the defenders on the team. 

“Hey, Jello,” Emily tried to sound playful, but it doesn’t fool Jill. She calls Jill Jello because she says that she’s soft like jello, but the only other person the name has stuck with is Rose.

“What’s wrong, kiddo?” Jill asked immediately. 

Emily doesn’t mean to sound so desperate, doesn’t mean to cry, but all of her emotions - fear, sadness, disappointment for Lindsey - come to a head. “I can’t come to camp tonight,” she sobs.“I can’t leave her by herself.”

Jill immediately knew that Emily was talking about Lindsey, and she instinctively knew that this is something deeper than just Lindsey needing someone to keep an eye on her. She’s always known that Emily had feelings for Lindsey; it’s why she kept them apart so much - she couldn’t deal with another relationship on the team, especially one that she feared wouldn’t be as stable as Christen and Tobin or Ash and Ali.But that’s also why she was going to let them room together for these last two games. She had a soft spot for Emily, and had never tried to hide it. 

Jill doesn’t hesitate. “Come Tuesday or Wednesday, Sonny.Don’t worry about it. You take care of her. Just get with Mol ASAP and let her know. Tell her to reschedule your flight.”Molly is their travel coordinator. 

Her tears slowing down, Emily thanked Jill. She’s about to get off the phone when Jill asks her a question that shocks her. 

“Emily,” she said seriously. Jill has never called her Emily. Sonnett, yes, when she’s mad, but never Emily.“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”Jill knew it was none of her business, but Emily feels more like her own child than anyone else on the team, and she worries about her, even more so now that she’s departing.

Emily started crying all over again. She hadn’t technically come out to anyone, they had all - Tobs, Chris, Ellie, Cait, Kling, Sinc - just kind of figured it out. But Jill is different, she’s like another mom to Emily. Telling her, saying those words, would be huge. But maybe she needs the practice.

She sat down in the middle of the deck and took Jill off speaker. “Yes,” she mumbled quietly into the phone, somewhat ashamed, but she didn’t know why. She knew deep down that Jill didn’t care, at all, but still, it was hard for her. 

“Does she know yet?” Jill asked sympathetically. 

“Yes. 

“She’s in love with you, too?” 

“Yes.” Emily can’t manage more than one-word answers right now. 

“That’s why she shoved ARod?For getting in your face?” Jill asked what she already knew.

“Yes.” 

“Are you two ok?”Jill sounded truly concerned.

“Yes, I mean, I guess. I just mess things up sometimes.”Emily sounded sad. 

“How so?”

“I don’t want people to know. So I’ve been trying to keep my distance from her as much as possible. It makes her sad. She says she misses what we had before. I miss it too, but...” Emily’s voice trails off.

“But you told me,” Jill points out.

“But you won’t judge me.”

“And you think others will.”It was a statement, not a question. Emily’s silence confirmed what Jill already assumed. “I think you don’t give people enough credit, Emily. You’d be surprised by just how much everyone loves you.Not because they think you’re straight, but because of the human being you are. You’re one of the purest, kindest souls I’ve ever coached.”

“Is that why I made the World Cup roster?” Emily asked, always doubting her soccer ability.

“You’re a great defender, Emily. But the intangibles you have, they’re priceless. Listen kid,” Jill said, changing the subject, “I know what it’s like to have old-fashioned parents, but trust me, they come around. More importantly, I’m also a parent. And I know that above all else, we want our kids to be happy.I’m pretty sure that’s all your parents want for you.And I’m pretty sure that Linds is just looking for a little confirmation that she’s worth it to you.But you’ll figure it out.” 

“I hope so. Thanks Jello,” Emily said appreciatively. That wasn’t so hard.

“You betcha.Just get yourself out here by game time, got it?Take care of that girl of yours.Vlatko is going to need her. And you,” Jill tried to assure Emily the best she could. “See ya soon.”And with that, she hung up the phone. 

Emily sighed and picked herself up.Walking inside, Tobin motioned her to stay quiet; Lindsey had just fallen asleep. Emily sat down on the floor, leaning up against the couch where Lindsey was sleeping. She whispered to Tobin that she was going to take a different flight out to North Carolina in a day or two, explaining that she had cleared it with Jill. Tobin nodded, understanding. She secretly vowed to wreck havoc on the roommate situation as soon as she arrived to make sure that Emily would have someone to room with who would either cheer her up, or at least take care of her. Becky or Kelley, she decided. She didn’t care how pissed either one of them, or Allie or Alex or anyone else who got affected by it would be. Sonnett needed this. 


	25. Mon Amour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily’s about the best caretaker a girl could ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I’m going to have to focus on actually continuing to update this because I found a great song to go along with the conflict these two are going to run into soon.

For the next day and a half, Emily did everything she could for Lindsey. She cooked every meal for her.She helped her bathe because she still feared that Lindsey would fall and hit her head and die from second impact syndrome (and for once, she wasn’t even paying attention to the fact that her super hot girlfriend was there, _totally naked_, in front of her). She kept the apartment spotless.She even made Lindsey a list of all of their favorite take away places (including the phone number and Lindsey’s favorite dish from each) so she wouldn’t have to use her phone (the light still hurt her eyes) and so she wouldn’t get stressed if she forgot what she usually ordered from each place. And she texted all of her Thorns teammates a schedule for either calling and checking on Lindsey or coming by and checking on her, while she was away. She demanded that these reminders be scheduled in their phones. And honestly, none of them even questioned why she was being so psychotic about it because, well, they all knew that Emily Sonnett had a touch of OCD.Which is why Emily got so annoyed every time Lindsey messed up her perfectly straight row of shoes. But at the moment, Emily wished that Lindsey felt good enough to mess up her shoes. Or to touch her with her feet while she was laying on the couch, though Emily _hated_ feet. 

She also danced in front of Lindsey every chance she got because it made Lindsey laugh (this was slightly selfish on her part because Lindsey’s laugh hit her right in the feels).She started an October 2019 Spotify playlist in case Lindsey felt like listening to some softer music because she was pretty sure Lindsey’s hardcore rap would just hurt her head.And, perhaps most importantly, she printed pictures of them from her cellphone and wrote about her memory of each one on the back. Then she slipped each picture into an envelope and dated each envelope so Lindsey would have one to open every day. Emily hoped it would cheer her up, and she hoped it would help Lindsey’s memory. 

She snuggled with Lindsey and rubbed her her back and kept her supplied with blankets and coffee and soft kisses, but otherwise, Emily would hardly touch her.The second night, Lindsey called her on it. “I’m not broken, Son.Why won’t you  kiss me? Or touch me?You’re going to be gone for almost a week,” she complained.

At first, Emily tried arguing that she  _ was _ kissing Lindsey, but Lindsey smacked her on the shoulder and told her that she knew what she meant. Then, Emily tried to play it off as being busy, needing to get things situated for Lindsey so she would be taken care of while she was gone. Lindsey called her on her bullshit again. And finally, Emily acquiesced and admitted the truth - she really _was_ afraid that she  would basically break Lindsey if she touched her wrong. Her brain was fragile right now - what if they bumped heads while making out, or what if Lindsey got too worked up during sex and got another headache and had to restart her concussion protocol. Nope, Emily insisted, she wasn’t about to do anything to risk Lindsey’s health, no matter how much it drove her crazy, and no matter how many times Lindsey tried kiss her or touch her.In fact, she couldn’t even count how many times she had gotten up off the couch or scooted over to the opposite side of the bed to avoid Lindsey’s fingers lightly, suggestively, dragging across her thigh or shoulders or stomach. 

* * *

Her rescheduled flight came way too soon. Lindsey wanted to drive her to the airport,but Emily told her under no circumstances was she allowed to drive, and she got Midge to come pick her up. Saying goodbye to Lindsey was, expectedly, hard for both of them. Emily was genuinely scared to leave Lindsey alone, and Lindsey for her part, couldn’t decide if she was more upset about not getting to see Emily for a week or not getting to play or not getting to see her friends, but regardless, she started crying when Emily pulled her in for one final hug. And when Emily saw Lindsey crying, she knew she was on the verge of crying too, because the one thing she hated more than anything in the world, more than feet or messiness, was seeing the love of her life sad. 

Emily put both of her hands on Lindsey’s shoulders, separating their bodies slightly so she could look into Lindsey’s eyes. They were red from crying, but the tears left them a beautiful glistening green.Emily cupped Lindsey’s face in her hands, wiping away her tears with her thumbs. Emily bit down hard on her own lip in an effort to hold her tears back.“Baby,” she said softly.“It’s six days. I’ll be back in six days and I’ll FaceTime you every single day.”

“A bunch of times a day,” Lindsey insisted. “Promise?” 

“I promise.”And this made Lindsey feel just a tab bit better because as sure as death and taxes and Horan headers was that Emily Sonnett would keep her word. “I’ll make sure Rose and Mal and Sammy FaceTime you.And I’ll FaceTime you in the locker room so you can watch me dance.And I’ll FaceTime you every night even if it means I have to go hide in some stairwell to tell you how much I love you.And to flash you,” Emily joked, desperately trying to light the mood.

It worked. “I’m going to hold you to that last part, Emily Sonnett. And you better not have a damn bra on when you do it,” Lindsey chuckled, and Emily knew that once again, she had done a good job. 

Emily pulled Lindsey towards her as gently as she possibly could, kissing Lindsey.For the first time since Lindsey’s head had hit the turf, she separated her lips, allowing Lindsey’s tongue in, letting Lindsey have her way with the kiss, letting Lindsey’s hand sneak up to her breast, taking it in and squeezing it. But as much as she didn’t want to, she had to put a stop to it. “Midge is waiting, baby, I  really have to go.”

Lindsey sighed, tears welling up in her eyes again, but not spilling over this time. “Ok,” she whispered. “Sonny?”

“Hmm,” Emily hummed into the crook of her neck.

“Tu vas me manquer, mon amour.” And then she added, “Kick ass for me?”

Lindsey rarely spoke French, but goddamn, it did something to Emily when she did. And Lindsey knew this, which is exactly why she did it. Emily didn’t even really know what she said, but she understood “my love,” and that was enough. Lindsey gave Emily one last peck and Emily squeezed her hand one last time.Then she picked up her bags, and walked out the door with a small wave. As soon as she was in the hallway of their apartment, the tears fell from her eyes, like water bursting from a damn. She tried to get herself under control, and was wiping away the last tears by the time she got to Midge, but it still looked like she had been crying, for sure. In that moment, Emily wished she had just asked Kling for a ride because at least Kling knew, and dealing with her prying would be better than another teammate realizing that she and Lindsey were together. But thankfully, when she got in the car, Midge just gave her a funny look, and then held her hand the whole way to the airport. Emily already knew she had the best teammates in the world, and this was just further proof of it. She was thankful for Midge, even if she couldn’t explain why to her.


	26. You and Horan, Huh?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley’s more perceptive than Emily gave her credit for, and Lindsey’s not happy with the So’Hara roommate situation.

Things just weren’t the same at camp without Lindsey. Emily felt the difference almost as soon as she arrived at the team hotel, and honestly, she was glad that she wasn’t there a couple of days earlier because it would have been a couple more days at camp without Lindsey. 

She made it in time for a team meeting at the hotel the day before the game. Everyone kept coming up to her to ask how Lindsey was doing, and she just kept repeating “Lindsey’s getting better, she’ll be fine,” over and over like a robot. Sometimes, she threw in a “She’s super bummed about not getting to be here with y’all,” in an effort to make it seem like she wasn’t as sad as she really was.She didn’t have the stomach for engaging in Mal and Sam’s shenanigans, and declined to join Rose’s dance boot camp so they’d be able to film their latest locker room video. Even Tobin telling her that she was now rooming with her third favorite person in the world, Kelley O’Hara, did little to cheer her up. 

As soon as the meeting was officially over, and everyone started to disperse to go get coffee and hang out in the hot tub, Emily headed towards Molly for her room key. She made sure to thank her for making her flight change and apologized for all the trouble she created for her. 

No sooner has she fallen down on the bed than Kelley walked into the room and collapsed next to her.Emily looked up at her without a word, but noticed right away that something was different about Kelley, she wasn’t her usual self, she wasn’t - happy. Emily’s immediate thought was that something has happened with her girlfriend. 

“Miss Kelley?” she said tentatively.“Are you ok?” 

Kelley rolled over so she could look at Emily.Her face was creased, pained. She began by telling Emily about her recent assessment by the medical staff.They weren’t happy with her ankle’s progress. They’ve cleared her to run, but no twisting, no cutting, no sudden starts and stops; basically, it felt like she was pretty far away from getting back on the pitch. And she was acutely feeling the stress right now for several reasons in particular. She wasn’t getting any younger, but her competition for that spot at right back was. There was a comfort with Jill.Even if her teammates didn’t like her, Jill had always assured Kelley that if her ankle was good to go, that spot was hers, and she kept her through all of her injuries. Vlatko is going to bring uncertainty to her life. She has no idea where his head is at.And this upcoming Olympics, assuming she makes the team, is certainly going to be her last. Her body is breaking down, her recovery slower and slower.She’s not Carli. She’s not going to make it four more years. In fact, it’s increasingly likely that she might not make it three more years, so 2020 Tokyo will not just be her last Olympics, it will be her last major tournament. Her goodbye to the soccer world. And she doesn’t want it to be on the bench.

“Anyway,” Kelley said, waving her hand in front of her face as if to ward off the oncoming tears that Emily could see perched at the edge of her eyes. “What’s wrong with you? You were like, out of it down there.”

In that moment, Emilyknew that what Kelley was going through was way more than what she was going through.She was worried about missing Lindsey; Kelley was  facing the possibility of the end of her career. “Nothing, just tired from traveling,” she said dismissively.She scooted closer to Kelley, pulling her into a hug. “Kel, you’re ankle’s going to heal, you know that. And running is progress. Big progress. You should be proud of that. Little steps. Besides, you’re the best right back in the world.”

“Um, I believed you’re confusing me with Lucy Bronze,” Kelley quipped, and they laughed. But truthfully, Kelley didn’t seem to buy what Emily was saying, and Emily saw it on her face.She blew on Kelley’s cheek making a loud farting noise.Kelley cringed and giggled.This was the second best outcome. If Emily can’t reassure Kelley, she’ll settle for making her laugh. And in between FaceTiming with Lindsey, and making sure that Sam, Mal, and Rose are FaceTiming Lindsey, making Kelley smile becomes her sole focus during camp.Emily Sonnett was at her best when she was taking care of someone. 

* * *

The first night, right as Kelley was crawling in bed to go to sleep, when Emily mumbled something about going to FaceTime Lindsey, Kelley shot her a strange look. The second night, after the game, when Emily tried to slip out of their shared room, Kelley stopped her. “Come here,” she patted the space on the bed beside her. 

It was late. They had both gone to dinner with their families after the game. They all came out to Charlotte since it was so close to Atlanta. Emily really hadn’t expected any resistance from Kelley since Kelley always went to bed early. But she did as she’s told. “Yes, Miss Kelley?”

“Where are you going?”

“To FaceTime Lindsey.”Emily sounded confused. 

“Why?” 

“Why?”Emily was now more confused. 

“Why would you leave the room if you were just FaceTiming Lindsey. You wouldn’t. So who are you _really_ FaceTiming, Sonnett?Are you dating someone?” 

Emily’s face turned almost as red as Kelley’s Stanford sweatshirt. Her eyes dropped from Kelley’s face. 

“Oh my god, you _are_!” Kelley shouted.“What the fuck Sonnett, why didn’t you tell me?”Kelley threw her arm around Emily in a hug.“Tell me all about her!”

“Kell, I’m seriously just going to FaceTime Linds,” Emily tried to assure her. 

“Then FaceTime her. Right here. Right now.”Kelley sounded skeptical and was not letting go of Emily. “Because if it’s just Horan, you wouldn’t leave the room.”

“I’m just trying to let you go to sleep.I know how cranky you get if you miss out on your beauty sleep.” Emily hoped this last-ditch excuse would work. It doesn’t. 

“Bullshit!If it’s just Horan you’re FaceTiming, I’ll just FaceTime her right now for the both of us.”

“Kelley, don’t!” Emily exclaimed.But it’s already too late. Before Emily could do anything, Lindsey’s face appeared on Kelley’s screen.

“Hey, Horan!How ya feeling?” Kelley asked. 

Lindsey looked thoroughly confused. “I’m better Kell.What’s up?”

“Not much, just hanging out with Sonny,” Kelley said, pulling Emily into the frame, her arm still around Emily’s shoulders.Emily’s face turned bright red. 

Lindsey’s eyebrows shot up, but she tried  to keep her face neutral. “Are you guys having fun?” Lindsey asked.“I miss everyone.”

“Yep,” Kelley replied. And she meant it. Because now that Sonnett was there, she really was having fun.

“We miss you too,” Emily added.

Lindsey told them that the light from her phone was hurting her eyes, and she wished them goodnight before ending the call. But Emily knew she was upset. As soon as Lindsey hung up, Emily was squirming out from underneath Kelley’s arm.“Shit, Kelley,” is all she could manage before she was out the door, leaving Kelley behind, dumbfounded. 

Emily headed to the stairwell for the second night in a row. It was gray and hard and cold, with harsh lighting, and Emily would much prefer to be talking to Lindsey anywhere else. She sat down on a stair to FaceTime Lindsey again.As soon as her face popped up, Emily started apologizing, because the thing about Emily Sonnett is that she will apologize whether she is right or wrong, whether she actually did something or not, To her, her own pride is far less important that someone else’s feelings. 

“So you’re rooming with Kelley.... why didn’t you tel me that last night?” Lindsey asks.Her voice is raw with hurt. 

“It- it didn’t come up,” Emily tries.“Why does it matter?”

“Why does it matter?”Lindsey almost laughed. “Because you’ve never roomed with her before and all of a sudden, I’m not there and you are.”

“Linds,” Emily said patiently, “you know I have nothing to do with room assignments.But also, it’s Kelley.”

“Exactly. Kelley. Kelley who you spent hours gushing about. Kelley who you’ve been in love with since your first camp. Kelley who you wanted to fuck.” 

“Lindsey, that was a joke.”

“And now you’re cuddling in bed with her and who knows what else.”Lindsey was crying now.

“She has a girlfriend.”

“And so do you!” Lindsey shouted back. 

“I know that baby.Listen to me, I was never in love with Kelley.”

“Ok, what should we call it then?”

“I admire her,” Emily suggested.  


“No, you admire Becky. You’re infatuated, obsessed with Kelley.”  


“How about star struck, because I’m definitely that. But I mean, who wouldn’t be? She’s Kelley Freaking O’Hara. Lindsey, you’re the only one I’ve ever been in love with.It’s always been you, from the day I met you. It’s only been you.”

“But she’s in your bed.”

“Well I was in hers, if we’re being technical. But she only made me come over to FaceTime you. I was stepping out of the room and she didn’t believe I was going to talk to you. She said I had a secret girlfriend and then she insisted on FaceTiming you herself. That’s it.I promise.”

“I still don’t like it,” Lindsey huffed.

“Want me to go tell Molly I need a different room assignment because my girlfriend is jealous of my current roommate?”

“Would you, really?”

“Lindsey...”. Lindsey just shrugged. But at least she wasn’t crying anymore. Or yelling. “What do you want me to do, baby, because I’ll do it.”

“Can you just tell her you’re taken?So she keeps her hands off of you?” Lindsey asked quietly. 

“And then you won’t worry anymore?” Emily really didn’t want Lindsey to worry.

Lindsey shook her head.

“You have nothing to worry about, beautiful, I promise. Not Kelley. Not anyone. You’re the only one I’ve ever been in love with,” she reminded her again, just in case she had forgotten because of her concussion. Emily’s voice was soft, low and raspy, as she choked back tears at the thought of Lindsey ever feeling like she could cheat on her.“You have all of me, ok?” 

Lindsey nodded.

“I love you, baby.Go to sleep now?” Emily blew her a kiss.

“I love you, too. How many more days, Em?”

“Four.”

“Ok, I’ll see you soon.Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Emily leaned back against the wall and took a moment. She knew this was just Lindsey’s concussion causing her to be anxious; it wasn’t her. Lindsey had never been jealous of Kelley before. The whole conversation didn’t bother Emily, it just made her sad. And it made her wish she could just go home and hold Lindsey instead of having to go to Chicago for another pointless game. 

She padded back down the hallway to their room, trying to enter it as quietly as she could. But it didn’t matter; Kelley was sitting on her bed in the dark, waiting for Emily to get back. “Why are you still awake, Kell? It’s after 1.”

“Because we’re gonna talk. You’re gonna tell me what’s going on.”

“There’s nothing going on Kell. I’m tired.”Emily kicked off her slides and crawled under the covers. Before she knew it, Kelley was in her bed. She almost told Kelley to go back to her bed, but she decided Lindsey really wouldn’t care if she was there.“What do you want, Kell?”

Kelley took a long pause. Her words were very measured when she finally spoke, as if she really didn’t want to say it but she knew that Emily wasn’t going to.“So, you and Horan, huh?”

Now it was Emily’s turn to sit in silence.Should she play dumb?Should she deny it?But this is Kelley.Kelley is gay.And Kelley is safe, because Kelley is just like Emily. Despite their crackheadedness, they are two of the most loyal and trustworthy people on the planet. Besides, more than anyone else on the team, when Emily finally decides that she can talk to someone about all of it, about her family and her fears, there would be no better person to talk to than her southern counterpart Kelley O’Hara.So she might as well tell her now. 

“Me and Linds, yep,” she confirmed.

“How long?”

“Just a few weeks, since _that_ game,” Emily said sheepishly. 

Kelley laughed. She knew immediately what game Emily was talking about. “Yeah, I almost texted Horan after that game to be like ‘wtf is wrong with you?’ But she seemed so pissed I decided not to.I shoulda known.Why didn’t y’all tell me?”

“I just don’t really want people to know.”

“But like, not even us?Not even me _Why_?” Kelley sounded almost hurt.

“I don’t know,” Emily trailed off.“But now you know. Just you and Tobs and Press.And they only know because they walked in on us, soI couldn’t really help that one.”

This revelation caused Kelley to laugh even harder and Emily to clarify that they weren’t actually doing anything at the time. “All right kiddo.I’m glad you told me. And don’t worry, my lips are sealed,” Kelley assured her. “You know, I used to think you were in love with me but then I started watching you watch Lindsey and I realized you were just in _awe_ of me and in _love_ with her. You deserve this Son. I’m really happy for y’all.”She gave Emily a hug and a little squeeze on her shoulder as she made her way back to her own bed. “Night Sonnett.”And then, a minute later, “Hey Sonnett?”

“Hmmm?” Emily murmured from under the covers. 

“I know it can be hard sometimes so I just want you to know that you can talk to me. Always. Any time. About anything.”

“Thanks, Kell.”Emily really did have the best teammates in the world. 


	27. A Sprinkle of Love and a Touch of Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all go online shopping when we’re bored, right?

The next 4 days both dragged on and flew by for Emily. She broke her days up into four distinct periods - training, socializing, Lindsey, and sleep, and she mentally checked each one off as the day progressed, getting her closer to the day she could fly back to Portland. 

Nights were what _really_ dragged on for Emily, when all she wanted was to be wrapped in Lindsey’s arms.She just couldn’t sleep, and she didn’t know if it was because she missed Lindsey or because she was worried about her. Either way, she’d toss and turn until Kelley would get so annoyed by the creaking of the mattress, that she’d climb into Emily’s bed, hold her tight (pretending it was for comfort but it was really because she didn’t know how else to stop Emily from moving), and talk to her to clam her nerves. 

Kelley would tell Emily about some small detail from a camp or a tournament, something she’d caught a glimpse of, that caused it to register with Kelley, long ago, just how much Emily loved Lindsey.Like the time Emily pulled Lindsey aside at Allie’s wedding. She didn’t realize Kelley was just around the corner from them, and Kelley watched as Emily took both of Lindsey’s hands in hers, looked into her eyes, and said, “you’re the most beautiful girl here.” In that moment, Kelley told herself not to settle for anything less than the kind of love Emily had for Lindsey. Emily had completely forgotten about that, and she had no idea that she had had an impact on her older teammate. Or the time at the camp right before the World Cup. Lindsey had had a particularly bad day at training, and she had asked Jill for permission to stay behind and work on her finishing alone.Everyone went into the locker room to shower and change, and then upstairs to eat. Kelley was sitting at a table by the window, overlooking the pitch,  and she watched as Emily shagged every single one of Lindsey’s balls, on the jog, for over an hour, without saying a single word.She just let Lindsey do what she needed to do, and she did the only thing she could think of to make Lindsey’s life easier in the moment. Or the time, on the flight home from France, when Emily, who _hated_ feet, insisted that Lindsey prop hers in Emily’s lap almost the entire flight home because “alcohol and trans-Atlantic flights cause swelling.” Kelley knew that if Emily could withstand feet in her lap for almost 6 hours, it must be serious.  


Kelley’s memories did the trick every time, allowing Emily to fall asleep, and Kelley to escape back to her bed. Kelley felt it was the least she could do; she was so, so thankful to have Emily in her life to boost her spirits when she was down. 

* * *

Time only dragged on for Lindsey. Alone in her apartment and unable to leave because she promised Emily she wouldn’t drive, Lindsey felt trapped and anxious. She missed Emily, she missed her friends, she missed her roommates, and she missed footy. 

Lindsey appreciated the daily visits from her club teammates and she knew Emily had gone to a lot of trouble to set that up.She was thankful that she got lots of FaceTime with Sam, Mal, and Rose.And her mom sent her flowers to try to cheer her up, but nothing was doing the trick, not even the little daily reminders Emily had left her. Sure, she looked forward to them, and it took all of her self-control to not open them all the first day, but pictures of the two of them weren’t the same as actually having Emily there, to hold, to breathe in her scent, to trace the smile lines around her eyes when she laughed. More than anything, she was jealous that Kelley was getting to room with Emily when it was supposed to be her. 

* * *

After a few days, Lindsey was starting to feel better and her concussion symptoms were subsiding. She was antsy, and decided she needed a way to welcome Emily back home. Balloons, flowers, a card - none seemed like the way to go.Maybe it was because she was really missing Emily’s hands and lips and tongue and breasts, but she found herself online looking at toys.That made her miss those parts of Emily even more intensely. Before she knew it, she had ordered something for them to enjoy together when Emily got back.And, she found herself letting her hand slide down under the waistband of her shorts, her breath and pulse quickening as she had to resort to taking care of her own needs. Yep, Emily certainly couldn’t get home soon enough.

* * *

Monday was finally here and Emily would be home that afternoon. Lindsey was so excited to see her that she could hardly contain herself, so she put all of her energy into cleaning their house. She had let some of her takeaway containers pile up, and she took all of those out to the trash. She changed the sheets on her bed, diffused some oils, straightened up Emily’s shoes, and put away the laundry that they hadn’t gotten around to before. She then decided that she needed flowers after all.Feeling pretty darn good, she figured a walk to the flower shop would do her well, and she didn’t want someone else to pick out Emily’s flowers for her. Besides, she wanted Starbuck; she was tired of making her own coffee.It wasn’t as good as Starbucks, and it wasn’t as good as when Emily made it for her. 

When she returned an hour later, flowers and coffee in hand, she found her front door unlocked.Concerned, she thought to herself, _I guess maybe I’m not quite over this concussion yet after all._ But when she stepped inside, she saw her girlfriend standing in the living room.Emily had taken an earlier flight home and had wanted to surprise her. She had beaten Lindsey through the front door by only a minute. Lindsey shrieked in excitement, almost dropping her coffee. She set the flowers and coffee on the counter as she ran to Emily, nearly knocking her over with her hug. 

“Hey, easy there, tiger,” Emily joked. “I missed you too.” But Lindsey couldn’t talk; she was too busy pressing kiss after kiss into Emily’s lips. She hadn’t even seen what was in Emily’s hands - flowers and a grande cold brew  from Starbucks. She had made her Uber driver take her to both places on the way home with the promise of a big tip. They laughed when the realized what they had both come home with, and Emily couldn’t even bother to be mad at Lindsey for going out - she was just glad Lindsey was feeling better. 

They settled into the couch, Lindsey with both of her coffees. “Did you make sure the barista added a sprinkle of love and a little touch of kindness?” Lindsey asked.  


“She wouldn’t do it. All she would add was the Low ‘n’ Sweet, but don’t worry, I added the sprinkle of love and the touch kindness,” she winked at Lindsey.  


“Ok, then I definitely want this one,” Lindsey said, setting aside the same exact drink she had bought for herself in favor of the one Emily had bought for her.  


Lindsey made Emily tell her about every detail of camp and the games, all the jokes, all the tears over Jill’s retirement, all their locker room and hotel shenanigans. But the whole thing took way longer than it should because Lindsey couldn’t keep her hands off of Emily. She was tickling her ribs to make her giggle because she missed the sound of Emily’s laugh. She was kissing her right under the ear because it made Emily’s face flush.And she kept running her fingers up and down Emily’s thigh, because for some reason, today, it’s making Emily squirm more than normal and Lindsey was really enjoying that. Emily was struggling to put together coherent thoughts. 

Before they knew it, it was time for dinner. Emily ordered Thai food, promising to go to the store tomorrow so she can cook dinner. After they’ve eaten, Lindsey told Emily that she’d pick up from their meal so Emily could go shower. Emily protested several times, still trying to argue that Lindsey needed rest, but Lindsey just sent her on the way with a peck on the cheek and a pat on the butt.

When Emily got out of the shower, she found Lindsey in her room. “Come here, baby,” Lindsey said softly.It dawned on Emily that this was the first time Lindsey had called her baby outside of when they were having sex. She liked the way it sounded coming from Lindsey’s lips. Lindsey wrapped her arms around Emily, slowly, softly stroking her back.“God I missed you, Emily,” she whispered into her ear.She nuzzled Emily’s neck, just standing there in a gentle embrace, as if time were frozen. Finally, she pulled back and led Emily to the nightstand beside her bed. She stood behind Emily, resting her chin on the shorter girl’s shoulder. “I got you something,” she said shyly.“A welcome home present.”Lindsey nodded towards the drawer. “Open it.” 

Emily opened the drawer to find a bright pink strap-on. Her jaw dropped. Emily Sonnett, who was so skilled at always saying the right thing at the right time, was speechless. 

“What do you think, babe?” Lindsey asked. Emily still couldn’t speak. Lindsey pushed Emily’s hair off of her neck, exposing her pulse point and tendon.She kissed her way up slowly, until her lips were brushing against Emily’s ear.“I want to fuck you,” she whispered breathlessly.

Emily felt like she couldn’t breathe. The thought of Lindsey fucking her with a strap on was almost too much to handle. The wetness between her legs was so intense that she couldn’t ignore it. She swallowed hard, but it wasn’t enough for her to find her voice. Lindsey’s hands were under her shirt, fingers grazing her abs, slowly, purposely working their way up to Emily’s breasts. Emily had to put a stop to it. Mustering all the self-control that remained in her body, she put her hands on top of Lindsey’s, lowering them back down and out from under her shirt. She squeezed her eyes shut, looking up at the ceiling. “Linds, we can’t do this.”She hated herself the second she said it, but she knew it was the right thing to do. 

“What do you mean?” Lindsey asked. She sounded hurt and confused, and embarrassed.

“You’re not cleared yet,” Emily explained. “We can’t do that yet.” 

“But I feel fine,” Lindsey argued. “You’re just not into it. It’s ok, I should have asked.”

Emily turned around, grabbing Lindsey’s face with both hands, forcing Lindsey to look at her. “Baby, I want you to fuck me, more than anything.You have no idea how bad I want you to fuck me.And I promise you that as soon as you get cleared...” 

She doesn’t finish her sentence. Lindsey is kissing her. “So you’re not mad?” Lindsey asked, relieved. 

“Oh god no,” Emily replied. “That’s the hottest welcome home gift I’ve ever received. Emily was grinning from ear to ear. “You’re not mad at me?” 

Lindsey shook her head. She was certainly disappointed, but she wasn’t mad.

“Good.You seem well enough to hold me though,” Emily teased. “So we’ll just have to settle for that tonight. Because I haven’t had anyone to hold me for almost a week.”

“You had Kelley.”Lindsey’s voice took a weird tone, the tone one uses when they’re being sarcastic but what they’re saying is almost certainly based in a half truth. 

“Stop, baby,” Emily intervened with a slow, deep kiss on the lips as she pulled Lindsey towards her bed. “I already told you, you’re the only one.”


	28. You Know What I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Lindsey certainly seems to be feeling better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is unnecessary to the plot line, so children, just go ahead and skip it, k?

Lindsey found the next few days disconcerting, especially since Emily was home. Things were supposed to be good, they were supposed to go back to normal, but it didn’t feel great. Or normal. Lindsey felt that Emily just wasn’t relaxed around her, like there was something bothering her but she wouldn’t talk about it. The time they spent together was filled with uncomfortable silences, by Emily tensing up when Lindsey would touch her.

It was awkward for Emily too. After being away from Lindsey for over a week, she craved her body, her tongue, her hands, but her mind was swirling with other complicated thoughts. She was overcome with worry for how Lindsey was recovering, and still afraid to touch her. And it made her think about how this change in her had happened since they started dating; every time Lindsey stepped on the pitch, she worried something would happen that would derail Lindsey’s goal to be the best player in the world. And Emily wanted that so much for her.  She felt guilty for going to Charlotte and Chicago, guilty that she had played without Lindsey and had fun without Lindsey. She still worried about telling her teammates and about her parents finding out. 

Finally, tired of the awkwardness, Lindsey trapped Emily in the kitchen, literally trapped her, pinning her up against their counter. Lindsey saw first a look of shock spread across Emily’s face, and then fear flickered in her eyes.“Em, what’s wrong,” Lindsey asked quietly, brushing Emily’s face with her fingertips. Emily just looked away.But Lindsey wasn’t having it.They only had one more night before their roommates came back from their Australian camp and she wanted Emily. Naked. In her bed. Or in the kitchen. Or anywhere really. Lindsey turned Emily’s face back to her, holding it there, but she couldn’t read her. 

Lindsey pressed up against Emily, kissing her tenderly, until she felt the tension in Emily’s body start to flow out of her.She kept kissing Emily until Emily began kissing her back, timidly at first. And she kept kissing Emily until Emily finally parted her lips enough to let Lindsey’s tongue inside. Lindsey’s hand fell from Emily’s face to her breast and when she gently twisted Emily’s nipple between her fingers, she felt Emily shudder in a way she hadn’t since the first time she had touched Emily.Even through her shirt and her bra, Emily’s senses were heightened.

Lindsey took Emily’s hands and wrapped them around her waist, holding them there as she pulled Emily with her back towards the island in their kitchen.She boosted herself up onto the counter, now towering over Emily more than normal. She took her shirt off, not breaking eye contact with Emily, whose hands had fallen from Lindsey’s waist to her thighs. Lindsey pulled Emily in to kiss her again, but Emily pulled away slightly, pressing her cheek against Lindsey’s instead. “We can’t, Linds,” she whispered with regret in her voice. “You’re not cleared yet.”Emily’s voice was straining with concern; she was genuinely afraid that somehow she’d hurt Lindsey. 

“I’m fine, Sonnett.And this is our last night alone together.Our last chance for you to fuck me in our kitchen.”Lindsey’s voice was dripping with want, lower than normal, and husky, and Emily could hardly resist her in that moment. She took a deep breath and bit her lip, trying to come down from what she was feeling.

But seeing Emily bite her lip like that had the exact opposite effect on Lindsey. It made her _need_ Emily.She pulled Emily’s hands up under her bra, and together, they lifted it over Lindsey’s head.And then Lindsey held Emily’s hands over her bare breasts, trying to draw Emily in with her eyes. “Fuck me, baby,” she pleaded, “I _need_ you to fuck me.”She bucked her hips towards Emily and when Emily didn’t respond by finishing the undressing process, Lindsey did it for her, slipping her own shorts and underwear off together in one fell swoop. 

“Shit,” Emily gasped at the sight, unable to stop staring at the sight of Lindsey there on their kitchen counter, completely naked. She was too busy looking and missed the smirk on Lindsey face as she watched her girlfriend take in her entire body.Before Emily knew it, Lindsey had her shirt off too, and was fumbling with her breasts again, while kissing Emily recklessly, on the lips the ear, the neck, the collarbone. 

And then, Lindsey pulled away and began to shove Emily’s head down between her legs. _God the power this woman has over me,_ Emily thought to herself.She thought about trying to resist Lindsey pushing her head down, but what was the point?Lindsey absolutely owned her and they both knew it. 

Lindsey leaned back onto her elbows, letting Emily take over.Emily traced Lindsey’s v-line with her tongue, down one side stopping and then running her tongue up the other side. She focused on that ticklish spot she had found weeks ago, flicking it with her tongue and sucking on it so that Lindsey squirmed. If Lindsey was going to be so fucking hot that Emily couldn’t resist her, she was certainly going to try to drive Lindsey crazy before she went down on her, to make her _really_ want it, and she wouldn’t mind hearing Lindsey beg for it again.She threw Lindsey’s legs over her shoulders, pulling her farther down on the counter.

Emily brushed her nose into Lindsey’s center, refusing to use her tongue or even her lips on her girlfriend. She felt Lindsey squirm, finally getting just the slightest bit of relief at being touched. And then she made another pass like that, and another, wanting to taste Lindsey, but holding firm. She blew on Lindsey’s clit, causing a quiet sound to escape her lips.Lindsey tilted her hips into Emily, searching for more, but all Emily was willing to give her was to hum her lips against Lindsey’s clit.Emily looked up at her without moving her head from where it was at, and she smiled against Lindsey as she watched her face contort in a mixture of both pleasure and frustration. 

“What do you want me to do, Linds?” Emily’s voice was muffled against Lindsey’s thigh as she kissed it.

“You know what I want, Son,” Lindsey whined. 

Emily knew exactly what Lindsey wanted, and she knew that she would obviously _give_ Lindsey what she wanted, but she was getting off teasing her. “Say it,” Emily responded with a new-found confidence, flicking her tongue once against Lindsey’s clit, eliciting a sharp inhale from Lindsey.

“Sonny, baby, please,” Lindsey begged.

The way her voice cracked when she said baby sent a tingle straight down between Emily’s legs, and she knew that her own wetness was seeping through her underwear now.But as much as she would do anything for Lindsey, she really, really wanted this.“Say it,” she repeated. 

“Make me come, Emily.”

And Emily did, with only her tongue, over and over and over until she lost count of how many orgasms Lindsey had had. She made Lindsey come while pressing her thighs to the cold, hard counter. She made Lindsey come while Lindsey squeezed her hands so hard she thought her fingers might break. She made Lindsey come while playing with her nipples. She made Lindsey come while Lindsey half sat up and watched, running her fingers through Emily’s hair.She made Lindsey come even when she thought she might pass out from lack of oxygen as Lindsey pulled her in and begged her not to stop. She made Lindsey come to a string of curse words that were screamed and her  murmuring “baby,” and “Em,” in a way that made Emily never want to stop. She made Lindsey come as she lightly dragged her fingers across Lindsey’s abs and hips, feeling her body pulsate, twist, and tremble. She made Lindsey come until her thighs were quivering and she had to let Emily support their weight completely. And in between each orgasm, she let Lindsey ride out the reverberations on her face and she softly lapped up her wetness.Emily had missed Lindsey so much and she used her tongue to show it when her words had failed her over the past few days. All the anxiety she felt melted away temporarily as she had Lindsey on the counter.

Finally, Lindsey became too sensitive to handle anymore, and she sat up, pulling Emily into her chest. “Are you ok?” Emily asked apprehensively. 

Lindsey was better than ok.She felt alive.“Goddamn Emily Sonnett,” she said still not having fully caught her breath.“how are you that fucking good?”


	29. Famous Last Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concussion protocol complete ✅  
Time to try out that new toy ✅✅

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not safe for work. Still not safe for kids. Still not necessary to the plot line really. TL;DR Lindsey’s finished concussion protocol and she really, really loves Emily.

The Thorns were only a few days away from their last home game. Lindsey was apprehensive about getting cleared in time, but sometimes, she thought Emily might be more stressed about it than her. That was why she refused to tell Emily how close she was to being cleared; she feared that Emily would get all worked up about it. 

At training that morning, Lindsey stayed off to the side, going through non-contact drills with Bailey, who was assessing both her brain injury and her fitness. And when training ended, and it was time for Lindsey to go back into the training room and get some final tests done, she had to make an excuse to get Emily to leave. The last thing she needed was Emily there if she failed the final step of concussion protocol. So she told Emily she was going to head to Powell’s books to shop for Caitlin’s birthday. It wasn’t for another couple of weeks,but by then, even with the best case scenario, their season would be over and Caitlin would be back in Sydney. Emily offered to go,but Lindsey reminded her that someone has to take the Aussies home. So Emily did.

* * *

Lindsey was gone for a long time, much longer than Emily had anticipated. Having already showered and eaten at Providence Park, there was really nothing for her to do. She played MarioKart for awhile, but when that bored her, she decided to take an nap.

That was why she didn’t hear the front door when Lindsey came home, or her phone buzz when Lindsey texted her.

**Linessi**:Son come to my room.It’s important. 

She waited a few minutes, and when she got no response, she tried again

**Linessi**:You won’t be disappointed. Promise. 

Still no response. Emily was really throwing a wrench in her plan.She got out of bed and put her clothes back on, and stomped down the hall to Emily’s room. Emily was so knocked out that she didn’t even hear Lindsey come in. At that point, Lindsey said “_fuck it._”Emily going to miss out on seeing her standing there, naked, with nothing but the strap on on. Lindsey slid her sweatpants down, pulled her shirt over her head, and slipped under the covers.She pressed her body up against Emily, but Emily only seemed to grow more comfortable with the warmth. Lindsey rolled her eyes, and then rolled Emily over so she could kiss her. 

Emily smiled into Lindsey’s kiss, but didn’t open her eyes. “Hey baby,” she mumbled. 

“Sonnett, wake up.”

“No,” came Emily’s whiny voice in reply.“Take a nap with me.” 

“Emily.”Lindsey’s voice was more stern now. “Wake up.”She tried to balance out her tone of voice by snaking her hand up under Emily’s sweatshirt, grazing her breasts. That did the trick. 

“Hi,” Emily said softly, adjusting so she could wrap her arm around Lindsey’s shoulders. A smile graced her lips as she realized Lindsey was topless.“_Hiiiiii_,” she repeated. Lindsey draped her leg over Emily.Emily’s eyes widened and her breath caught in her throat. Her face turned bright red.“Lindsey, we ca-“

Lindsey stopped her mid-sentence with a finger to Emily’s lips.“I’m cleared. I got cleared today.Now, do you want to take a nap, or do you want me to fuck you?”

Emily nodded, eyes still wide. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t even think. 

Lindsey just laughed, that intoxicating laugh that Emily loved. “Which one silly?” 

“I- I- I’m awake,” Emily stammered. 

Lindsey thought about getting some payback for the other day and making Emily say what she wanted Lindsey to do with her, and _God,_ Lindsey _wanted_ to hear those words, but there was something different in Emily’s eyes. She seemed... scared maybe?Lindsey pushed a strand of hair behind Emily’s ear. She couldn’t read her.She swung her leg over Emily, completely on top of her now, supporting her weight on her hands. She kissed Emily, and when Emily started to rise up off of the pillow, Lindsey kissed her harder, forcing her back down.She sat up on her heels between Emily’s legs, the covers falling off of her shoulders. “Take off your clothes,” she said softly.

Emily didn’t take her eyes off of Lindsey. She sat up and pulled her sweatshirt over her head, revealing her exposed breasts underneath. She laid back down and wriggled out of her shorts and boxers. She was tense, shoulders tight, abs flexed, fists clenched at her sides. She wanted to feel Lindsey inside of her, but she was terrified. 

Lindsey leaned over her again.Her kisses were softer, slower, but still full of want.She kissed Emily’s jaw and her neck, and made her way kissing a trail down between Emily’s breasts to just below her belly button. All the while, her fingers were twisting and flicking Emily’s now-hard nipples. Lindsey’s face was between Emily’s legs, and she could feel the heat radiating off of her body. She took one long, slow swipe between her lips, causing Emily to gasp.She was so worked up that her clit was already sensitive. Her tongue made another pass, softer this time.Emily bucked her hips toward Lindsey, pushing her heels into the bed for leverage, but Lindsey wouldn’t give her anything else;she wanted Emily wet, but didn’t want her to come. Yet. 

Lindsey kissed her way back up Emily’s stomach until her mouth found Emily’s breast.Slowly, she inserted one finger into Emily.But Emily was impatient. “More,” she whispered, tangling her fingers in Lindsey’s hair.Lindsey inserted a second finger, and Emily moaned quietly, closing her eyes.But that pleasure was short-lived, too. 

Lindsey removed her fingers, and hovered over Emily on all fours, watching her, trying one more time to get a read on her.Emily pulled Lindsey down on her, burying her face into Lindsey’s shoulder. “I’ve never done this before,” she mumbled into Lindsey’s hair. 

Lindsey was surprised. “I thought- I thoughtall lesbians...” her voice trailed off.“I’ve never done this either, you know.”Emily knew. And truthfully, she was surprised by how far Lindsey had come in such a short time, how much more at ease she was with her sexuality.“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to, Em.”Lindsey sounded just a bit unsure now. 

Emily grabbed Lindsey’s cheek and pushed her face back away from her so she could look into Lindsey’s eyes. She shook her head.“I want you to fuck me, Linds,” she said.Her voice was a whisper, low and raspy,but she was clear. 

Lindsey reached down and grabbed the cock between her legs. Slowly she guided it into Emily. Emily let out a small cry that she tried to stifle by biting her lip.Lindsey froze.“Are you ok?”Emily nodded, squeezing her eyes shut.It felt so good to be filled by Lindsey.She had never felt anything like it before. It was so intimate.

Lindsey slowly started thrusting into Emily, shallowly at first, but she gradually increase her speed over time, spurred on by the quiet sounds escaping Emily’s lips, and Emily dragging her nails down Lindsey’s bare back.They moved in sync, Emily’s legs spread wide and in the air.Emily’s hands found Lindsey’s ass. She took each cheek fully into her hands. Digging her fingers in, she pulled Lindsey deeper and deeper into her, until she was moaning. 

Lindsey kissed the bare expanse of her exposed throat as Emily’s threw her head back with pleasure. The veins in her neck were popping out now.Her breathing was labored. She was almost there. A few more deep thrusts, and Emily was letting go with a loud “fuck yes” as she pushed Lindsey out of her. Lindsey had to cover Emily’s mouth with her hand to stifle the sound. Cait and Elle were home. 

Emily’s chest was heaving and she squeezed Lindsey’s thigh between her own legs as she trembled from the orgasm. She pulled Lindsey into her chest, wrapping her arms around Lindsey’s back and squeezing tight. She held Lindsey there until both of them were breathing somewhat normally again. But Lindsey wasn’t done with her yet. 

She rolled over, pulling Emily on top of her.Emily kissed Lindsey’s lips, her throat, her breast, as Lindsey ran her hand up and down Emily’s bare back and ass. Emily started worked her way down, intending to take the strap off of Lindsey so she could go down on her, but Lindsey pulled her back up.Emily lifted her head away so she could see Lindsey. Lindsey was smiling at her and her eyes were twinkling. “I want to see you, Em.All of you.Ride me.”

Emily squinted at her. They were really doing this. She sat back on her heels at Lindsey’s feet, staring at her girlfriend, taking her all in.She made the decision to give Lindsey what she wanted. Emily straddled above Lindsey’s center.“Take your hair down,” Lindsey commanded. Emily did.Her soft, blonde locks fell over her shoulders. Taking Lindsey’s cock into her hand, she guided it in, just the tip at first. She took her time lowering herself onto it; she was still sensitive. 

Lindsey couldn’t keep her eyes off of her girlfriend - her squared shoulders, the way the tendons in her neck were so visible, the way her abs rippled with every thrust, the way she sometimes ran her fingers through her hair to push it back out of her face. Lindsey couldn’t keep her hands off Emily either.They ran between her nipples and her abs, to grabbing Emily’s hips and holding on as she moved with Lindsey inside her, running up and down her quads. Lindsey has never seen Emily so hot, so vulnerable in her life. Watching Emily move was making her so wet. 

Emily loved the feeling of Lindsey’s hands all over her body, but there was one place she needed Lindsey that Lindsey wasn’t going. She couldn’t get the words out, so she took care of it herself, dropping a  hand to her clit and rubbing in a circular motion while continuing to ride Lindsey. She was getting closer. Her movement quickened, her fingers moved faster and harder.Their eyes were locked on each other’s.They had never been so connected.

Lindsey could hear in Emily’s whimpers that she was close, could see it in her face as she squeezed her eyes shut. Lindsey pulled Emily down into her at just the right time.Emily bit Lindsey’s shoulder hard as she came, but it muffled the sound that escaped her lips.She laid there on top of Lindsey, shaking, while Lindsey stroked her hair. 

Finally, Lindsey reached down and unbuckled the strap on, and Emily shifted her weight briefly so Lindsey could remove it from between them and toss it aside.“That was so fucking hot,” she whispered into Emily’s hair.“You’re so fucking hot, Emily Sonnett.” Emily just hummed back contentedly into Lindsey’s neck. 

“Hey baby?” Lindsey said after another few minutes.

“Hmmm?”Emily was still wiped out and shaky.

“Everything feels right with you, like, nothing’s ever felt this right in my life. I feel like I’m finally myself when I’m with you, like I can let myself go.I never had that with- with him. I never wanted him to see me, but with you, I could watch you stare at me all night long. No one’s ever looked at me like that before. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable when you stare. And I would just wait for sex to be over with him, it just always felt off. But I feel like I could keep going all night with you.It’s just... it’s like you really know me, and you really, really love me.”

“I do love you, Linds,” Emily murmured.

“But it’s just... different with you. I don’t want anyone else to see me, to touch me, to kiss me. I don’t ever want anyone else to love me. Ever. I only want you, Emily.You’re my person.”

“I’ve always been your person, and you’ve always been mine,” Emily replied quietly. 

“I know. Just promise me that’s not going to change. I never knew what love was until you, Em, and I can’t lose it now that I have it.”

“You’re not gonna lose me. Promise.”

It was different for Lindsey to feel like this, to say these things out loud. She was the more reserved of the two, the one who guarded her feelings closer and appeared to be more stoic. Emily was the vulnerable one, the hopeless romantic. Emily was the kind of person who would insist on writing her own wedding vows, and when everyone sat back thinking she was going to have the room crying with laughter, she’d have them in tears because of how soft she was. But Emily was changing Lindsey, showing her what love really is, and Lindsey loved her even more for it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love reading the comments y’all leave. Keep em  
Coming.


	30. Shouldn’t This Be Easier?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Offseason... sucks.

“I’m bringing this,” Lindsey smirked, tossing the strap on into the suitcase Emily was helping her pack for their first, albeit brief, camp with Vlatko before the Sweden game. 

“What the fuck, Lindsey? No.” Emily sounded more angry and less annoyed, which surprised Lindsey. She was hoping to get a chuckle out of Emily at best, and an annoyed look at worst. She had no intention of upsetting her. Again. 

“Calm down, Em, it was a joke,” Lindsey said, grabbing the strap on and putting it back in her nightstand drawer. Lindsey sat down on bed, folding the last few pieces of clothing, and then flopped backwards.She covered her eyes with her forearms, lamenting the fact that Emily wasn’t, well, she just wasn’t herself anymore; she wasn’t Sonnett, Sonny, Dasani.It seemed like every time Lindsey was around, _especially_ if anyone else was around, the spark in Emily’s eyes was gone, the smile that used to light up an entire room vanished. They had been arguing over the past week and a half... _a lot_. Ever since the Thorns’ loss to Chicago in the semi-final. 

Lindsey knew some of that was her fault. She didn’t know how Ash and Ali were able to keep soccer on the field. The loss to the Red Stars devastated Lindsey, and she let her mood bleed into their relationship, especially because it bothered her that Emily didn’t seem to be taking it hard. _At all_. She knew Emily processed things differently, compartmentalized things better than almost anyone, but Emily acted like it was just another game, not an elimination playoff. She didn’t even bother to console Lindsey afterwards, though she later explained that it was because she didn’t want photos or footage of them hugging that would spread like wildfire on social media as proof that Soran was real. Lindsey got that, but still, she couldn’t help but feel hurt that Emily’s fears trumped her feelings. 

Letting Sinc down killed Lindsey, and she wasn’t able to compartmentalize that either, or the overall disappointment she felt in herself from the entire season. She was supposed to be better than this. She was Lindsey fucking Horan. Lindsey Horan who was offered a contract by Lyon as a high school junior. Lindsey Horan, the 2018 NWSL MVP.Lindsey Horan, who wanted to be like Messi - no, better than Messi.Lindsey Horan, who promised herself she’d be the greatest in the world, so great that she would be remembered in her own right, not compared to Abby or Alex or Mia... or even Messi. Lindsey Horan who had just had an absolute shit season. She knew she had been in a crappy mood and she had been too short with Emily on a couple of occasions.That’s why she was trying to joke with her now, trying to make things better. 

It wasn’t just soccer that was getting to her though.Lindsey was tired of being the only one in the relationship doing the heavy emotional lifting.She might not show it, but what had transpired over the past couple of months had been hard on her too.Coming to terms with her sexuality and coming out all at the same time, not incrementally, even if it was just to a few people, was hard. Working to overcome her body image issues, not being to share the best part of her life with her family - it was all emotionally draining. 

As if their stark contrasts in personalities wasn’t enough deal with, the early exit from the playoffs meant they had to face reality a week earlier than they had anticipated.Emily refused to go back to Denver with Lindsey.Georgia was Emily’s home and Portland was her second home, and she made it very clear that she planned to spend the off-season between the two places. 

Denver was not Emily’s home, which she also made very clear.Admittedly, Emily didn’t try hard to get Lindsey to stay an extra week in Portland, but really, what was the point?She knew Lindsey missed her family, and she wasn’t going to give up her trainer and her training partners back home, not when working with them had been so successful the past couple of off-seasons.And Emily didn’t like conflict, so in her mind, there was just no point in pushing it once Lindsey said she was going back to Denver.But that became misconstrued as Emily not even caring that Lindsey was leaving, and it resulted in an even bigger argument than their original argument.Emily knew she should have done more, should have done a better job of making Lindsey feel like it bothered her that she was leaving, but she didn’t. Because it didn’t. Time apart was just how their life was going to be, and frankly, Emily thought they were lucky to be playing for the same club. But maybe she deserved that argument. Things just seemed off between them, and Emily was here to try to change that. 

Lindsey felt the weight of Emily’s body pressing down on hers, bringing an immediate sense of relief.Emily picked Lindsey’s arms up off of her face.“I’m sorry, baby,” she said quietly, her eyes pleading with Lindsey to forgive her minor outburst. “I didn’t come here to fight with you.”Emily had flown to Denver to surprise Lindsey, as an unvocalized peace offering. It gave them a couple of days to spend together before they had to fly out to Columbus to meet the team. 

The truth was, Lindsey was beyond grateful for the effort Emily had made, the extra trip to just basically pick her up on the way to camp. “I’m sorry, too.”Lindsey cupped Emily’s face in her hands, staring into her eyes before kissing her softly.“I just wish we could joke and laugh like we used to.Like you do with Kelley now.”

“Not Kelley again.”Emily sounded exasperated as she rolled off of her girlfriend. “We’ve been over this. I’m not doing this again.”

They were just starting to settle into life over FaceTime when Kelley came to Portland to visit Emily.It broke Lindsey’s heart. It wasn’t that she was jealous; she knew Emily wasn’t going to cheat on her. What hurt her was the bond that Emily and Kelley had. The fact that they could cuddle under the covers and watch a soccer game and post on social media about it, and go out to dinner together, and yet no one thought they _were_ together... well it all just seemed so unfair to Lindsey. What hurt her was how that had been _her_ life before she realized she was in love with Emily. She missed that connection. The sex was good, ok, it was mind-blowingly phenomenal, but what made her fall in love with Emily were all the small things, the little moments they shared. And now Emily wouldn’t share them with her anymore because she didn’t want the world to find out about the two of them.

“I know, Sonnett.I know you’re not going to cheat on me. That’s not the point.”

“I’m sorry I stayed here with Kelley instead of going to Denver with you.I came here to make it up to you.”Emily rubbed her face with her hands in frustration.

“You’re not listening to what I’m saying, Sonnett.I miss _us_.”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Lindsey,” Emily rolled over and off the bed. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Stop.” Lindsey’s voice rang with desperation as she reached out and grabbed Emily’s wrist. “Stop avoiding this. I miss _you_, what we had before we complicated everything.I want that back.” 

“We can’t go back.” Emily tried to pull away, but Lindsey wouldn’t let go of her.

“I don’t want to go back, I want _this_, but with the carefree, fun-loving you.The you thatcouldn’t take your eyes off of me, that wouldn’t stop touching me.The you that made me feel wanted all the time. The you that is smiling at me in every picture of the two of us instead of looking at the camera.I want to tell our friends this weekend, so you can stop worrying about everyone finding out and just _be_ with me. Like a normal couple.”

“I’m not ready for that yet.” It took all of Emily’s self-control to not sound as infuriated as she was starting to feel. She didn’t want her teammates knowing about them and she had made that clear. Multiple times. She knew it frustrated Lindsey, especially because she couldn’t verbalize why she didn’t want anyone to know. 

That was the problem with her internalized homophobia. The fear, anxiety, shame, and self-hatred Emily was facing were causing this intense desire to be secretive. Even though her teammates already knew she was gay (heck most of them had met her ex), even though both of the teams she played for were the safest of safe spaces, in Emily’s head, it was a recipe for disaster. They played together. What if something went wrong?Everyone would start picking sides. And worse, what if someone like Rose or Mal slipped up and said something in front of their parents and their parents told Emily’s parents... or hell, what if someone slipped up and said something in front of Emily’s parents after a game or out at dinner? There were so many things that could go wrong with too many people knowing. 

But Emily didn’t want to talk about it, and she didn’t want to fight in the brief time they had together, so she did the next best thing she could think of. She leaned over and took the strap on out of Lindsey’s drawer.“Come take a shower with me.”

Lindsey sighed. She knew this was exactly what they _shouldn’t_ be doing, they _should_ be talking, but she couldn’t resist Emily.Especially not when Emily was offering to fuck her in the shower. Talking suddenly seemed less... important, at least in that moment. By the time Lindsey stepped into her bathroom, Emily was already in the shower. 

“Fuck,” Lindsey hissed at the sight of her girlfriend. She was naked wearing nothing but the strap on, sounded by steam from the hot shower. Lindsey slowly took in Emily’s broad shoulders, following them down to her her small, firm breasts, her four-pack, which she liked to claim was a six-pack (but it wasn’t yet), and her v-line as her waist narrowed. “Fuck,” she mouthed again, as her eyes locked on what was between Emily’s legs. 

Lindsey dropped her clothing and took her hair out of its ponytail, shaking it down so it would cascade around her shoulders.Then, she stepped into the shower with Emily, closing the glass door behind her. She let her hands follow the same path her eyes had taken - shoulders, breasts, and v-line - and then she took Emily’s hands in hers and knelt down, the hot water splashing against her back. “What- what are you doing?” Emily stammered, her brow furrowed.

“Shhhh,” was Lindsey’s only response. She looked up at Emily, her eyes full of want, and she plunged Emily’s fingers into her hair so that she was now holding either side of Lindsey’s head. “Show me what you like, daddy,” she rasped. Lindsey took the cock in one hand, running her tongue along the shaft, and then around the tip, while Emily watched her, mouth agape.She liked Emily watching.Lindsey began to move it in and out of her mouth, slowly, while Emily stared in complete shock.

“Lindsey-“ Emily tried to interrupt her but she began to feel the pressure of the base against her clit, pushing into her as Lindsey took it deeper and deeper into her mouth. She felt one of Lindsey’s hands grab her ass to steady herself and her other hand moved down, under the strap on. 

Lindsey was pleasantly surprised to find that Emily was starting to become wet.She teased her fingers around Emily’s opening, getting her more and more worked up, before she finally inserted them. She brought her fingers in and out of Emily, in time with the movements of her head.Then, she curled them up towards Emily’s G-spot.Emily bucked her hips forward at the sensation, and moaned.She threw her head back against the wall of the shower, squeezing her eyes shut, but still holding onto Lindsey’s head.Lindsey stopped for only a moment, just long enough to tell Emily to keep looking at her. When their eyes met, she went back to work.

And the truth was, as new as this was to Emily, she couldn’t deny that seeing her girlfriend naked on her knees in front of her was fucking hot.And being able to guide Lindsey’s head and to control the pressure was fucking hot.Lindsey taking her entire dick into her mouth, eyes turned up and glued on Emily was fucking hot. She couldn’t contain herself much longer as Lindsey’s fingers picked up the pace inside of her. She came hard, with a cry that she couldn’t stifle, and her cum dripped down Lindsey’s chin.

Lindsey stood up, pressed against Emily.Not breaking eye contact, she sucked her fingers clean as Emily watched her. Emily swallowed hard and then spun Lindsey around, forcing her up against the wall.This is what she had intended to do in the first place. She needed a moment to come down from her own orgasm, and she filled the time kissing and toying with Lindsey’s breasts. Lindsey didn’t need it though, she was already wet, and not from the shower. “I want you to fuck me, Em,” she whispered into her ear. It was all Emily needed to hear.


	31. November Camp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you’re not careful, you’re gonna get caught. And caught again. So really, you might as well just start coming out.

Lindsey was determined to make camp with Emily normal, fun, like old times. So after they had arrived in Columbus, and settled into one of the large meeting rooms in the hotel that they were using for their player lounge, she laid down on the couch next to where Emily was sitting, and propped her feet up on her girlfriend’s lap.Without even hesitating, Emily began massaging them, just like she did at home. She may have hated feet, but she didn’t hate _Lindsey’s_ feet, and all the crap she had given Lindsey over the years about not touching her with her feet was really because it made Lindsey laugh, and because it made Lindsey _want_ to keep touching Emily. Emily secretly loved it, so she had taken to massaging Lindsey’s feet and ankles and calves on a regular basis. As they laughed and talked with Sam, Mal, and Rose, their teammates began filing in a little at a time. 

Kelley made eye contact with Emily, hardly able to contain her knowing smirk. Tobin ignored them. Christen giggled as she walked by, purposely _not_ making eye contact. AD shook her head and went the other way; she was starting to catch on now.

But Pinoe? Pinoe just had to say something. She stopped in front of the couch, looking directly at Emily. “I thought you hated feet.” Her eyes narrowed as she looked back and forth between the two, hands on her hips.

Rose, on the opposite couch, craned her neck to see around Pinoe, her attention now drawn to Emily’s lap.  “She _does_,” Rose said, suspiciously.

“I’m feeling some swelling. From the flight.” Lindsey did her best to play it off.

Pinoe pursed her lips. “Mmm-hhmm,” she replied, eyebrows raised. Then she turned and walked away without another word.

Emily’s face felt red-hot. Their three friends stared at them. Lindsey didn’t bother to move. Emily returned to rubbing her feet, and eventually, they went back to catching up as if nothing had happened. But Emily’s eyes followed Pinoe as she moved around the room, first talking to Ashlyn, and then to Alex. She kept looking back at Emily and Lindsey with those same knowing eyes. Emily was hardly paying attention to the conversation anymore.

After the team meeting, they got their room assignments – Lindsey with Rose, Emily with Mal. They had a little bit of time to settle in before their team dinner in the hotel restaurant. Lindsey quickly put her bag in her room, not bothering to unpack, and headed to Emily and Mal’s room. She knocked, and when Mal opened the door, she entered and promptly plopped down on Emily’s bed, laying her head on Emily’s stomach. She smiled up at Emily, trying to think of some sarcastic comment to make so she could make the situation a little more normal and a little less weird, but when she looked in Emily’s eyes and saw how soft they were, and she saw Emily’s trademark close-lipped smile, she couldn’t come up with anything to say. She just wanted to say_ “I love you._” It was all that filled her mind. But she stopped herself.

“God, you move home for like one week and now you’re following me around like a stray dog!” Emily joked.

“Well then pet me, give me a treat, tell me I’m a good girl,” Lindsey retorted with a huge smile. Emily just rolled her eyes and rubbed Lindsey’s head tenderly. Mal seemed completely unfazed by them, proving Lindsey’s point that they could still be affectionate in front of their teammates and their teammates would be none the wiser. She winked at Emily and Emily shook her head. But she smiled, and that meant everything to Lindsey.

* * *

At dinner, Lindsey continued to take advantage of the opportunities she was afforded. Sitting directly across the table from Emily, about halfway through the meal, she let her slide fall to the floor and she began running her foot up and down Emily’s calf with long, slow strokes. She watched Emily carefully. Emily kept her head down, her eyes locked on her food, but there was a distinct flush to her cheeks. She glanced up at Lindsey for half a second before leaning over to ask Tobin if she wanted to play Mario Kart later. 

But Lindsey wasn’t done. She worked her toes under the bottom hem of Emily’s joggers, sliding her pants leg up so she could rub her foot on Emily’s bare skin. She climbed higher up Emily’s calf right as Emily was taking a bite of food, causing her to choke. Lindsey had to bite her lip to keep from laughing as Emily coughed, a “WTF” expression on her face. But through her coughing, with Kelley beating on her back, Lindsey could see the smile in her eyes. She decided to excuse herself to go to the bathroom at that moment, while Emily’s coughing fit subsided.

No sooner had Emily regained the ability to breathe correctly than Kelley had kicked her under the table. _No one was going to let her eat dinner tonight!_ Kelley tipped her head backwards toward the bathroom ever so slightly, and raised her eyebrows. Emily got the hint. She excused herself in a hoarse voice, saying she felt another coughing fit coming on.

Kelley looked at Tobin, who was now directly in her line of sight since Emily had left the table. They tried to hold it together, but that lasted all of two seconds before they both burst out laughing. And then Christen joined in. “What is up with y’all?” Alex asked, half annoyed that she wasn’t in on whatever was going on, and half confused. Kelley just propped her elbow on the table and leaned forward on her hand to try to contain her giggling, but she couldn’t stop, which caused Christen to laugh even louder and Tobin to pull her beanie down over her eyes. No one answered Alex’s question. “Children,” she muttered.

Lindsey was waiting for her. “I thought you’d never come,” she said, wrapping her arms around Emily.

“Well I was so busy _choking_, I almost didn’t get the hint. You can thank O’Hara for sending me after you.” Emily stood on her tippy toes to give Lindsey a quick peck. “What if someone comes in? Maybe we should take this to a stall.”

“I’m not staying long enough for that,” Lindsey shook her head. “But admit it. You’re _enjoying_ this.”

“Maybe,” Emily conceded. “It’s kinda fun sneaking around like this. If only there was a way for you to sneak into my bed tonight.” Emily kissed her again.

“Come on! Even if I could sneak in, you wouldn’t be able to stay quiet!”

“Excuse me. I’m quieter than you. The only way you’re ever able to keep quiet is by biting me. That’s cheating.”

“Hey, whatever works,” Lindsey shrugged. Her face turned serious and she stroked Emily’s cheek, brushing a strand of her hair from her messy bun back behind her ear. “I’m sorry if I’ve been pushing you to do something you’re not ready for,” she said quietly. “I’ll do this with you for as long as you need me to. I love you, Emily Sonnett.”

“I know you do,” Emily replied. “I’m sorry this hasn’t been easy. But we’re making it work, huh?” Lindsey nodded. “And I love you, too.”

They had just leaned in for a kiss, when the door opened and AD burst through. “Aha!” She exclaimed. “I knew it. I freaking knew it!” She was proud of herself, and neither Lindsey nor Emily could figure out if the huge smile on her face was because she was happy for them or because she felt like she had solved a great mystery. She walked up to them as they separated and threw her arms over their shoulders. “Fucking _finally_!” she said looking at both of them like a proud older sibling. “I just knew that was why Kelley and Tobin and Christen were all cracking up when you left the table!” Emily was bright red again. “Who else knows?” AD inquired. 

“No one,” they both replied in unison.

AD just shook her head. “Damn. I swear this team has more successful couples than The Bachelor has produced,” she joked.

“Ok, we better get back.” Emily was starting to get worried. Lindsey nodded. They agreed that Lindsey should leave first, Emily would give her a 30 second head start, and AD could follow a few minutes later. Their staggered arrivals back at the table thankfully attracted little attention, and much to Emily’s liking, the three stooges were able to contain their giggles for the rest of the meal.

The team finished dinner and slowly started to disperse. In the elevator on the way up to their rooms, it dawned on Emily that not only was she not going to be able to sleep next to Lindsey, she wasn’t even going to be able to FaceTime her to say goodnight. Even when Lindsey had been mad at her about Kelley going to Portland, they had still FaceTimed to say goodnight. Emily was surprised by how much it bothered her. She brushed Lindsey’s hand with her fingertips and Lindsey silently hooked her pinky finger around Emily’s. In the crowded elevator, once again, their teammates were none the wiser to what was going on right under their noses. They let go as the door opened, and sticking to her promise, Lindsey turned right out of the elevator without a word to Emily, and without a glance back. She missed Emily, who was following Mal down the hall to the left, look back over her shoulder. 

* * *

Back in her room, Emily got in the shower first. She decided the best she could do was to send Lindsey a slightly suggestive selfie. She took a picture of herself naked, cutting the photograph off right at the top of her breasts, giving away nothing. She sent it to Lindsey. “Try not to think about me too much tonight. We have training in the morning.” She got in the shower.

A few minutes later, she heard the familiar ding from her phone. She dried her hands off and reached out to grab it off the counter. 

“Too late. I’m already thinking about you. That photo was exactly what I needed. And I  have a feeling you’re going to be the one who’s tired in the morning.” Lindsey had attached a picture of her hand dipped down below the waistband of her pajama pants. Another text came through. “Night baby.”

“Fuck.”Emily gritted her teeth. Lindsey knew exactly what she was doing. She could wait until Mal got in the shower and have Lindsey come over, for what, maybe 10 minutes. It would certainly be risky. Or she could take care of this herself. Right now. In the shower. “Fuck,” she hissed again, choosing the latter. 

She texted Lindsey back once she was in bed and Mal was in the shower. “I hate you.”

“I believe you misspelled love, sweetheart,” came Lindsey’s almost immediate response.“I’ll make it up to you.Promise.Now let me get some sleep.I have to be great tomorrow.”

“You’re always great, babe. You’re The Great Horan.Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. Or Rose. She might could be a biter too.I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

* * *

The next morning, Emily was sleepily walking down the hall with two cups of coffee from the lobby. She was headed to Lindsey’s room. But as she looked up, she saw Kelley step out of the room she was sharing with Alex and cross the hall to Lindsey and Rose’s room. Before she could knock, Emily interrupted her. “What are you doing?” 

“I’ve come to talk to your girlfriend,” Kelley said dismissively. “Go away.” 

“Well I brought her coffee. She’s not going to talk to anyone without coffee.”

Kelley contemplated taking the coffees from Emily and using them as her way into the room. But then she wouldn’t have an excuse to get Rose out.“Look, I’m leaving after the meetings today.I haven’t had a chance to talk to her.You see her all the time. Go away, Sonnett.”

Emily rolled her eyes and turned around. “Hope Mal likes her coffee with love, kindness, and a Low ‘n’ Sweet,” she mumbled as she heard Kelley knocking on the door. 

Lindsey opened it excitedly, anticipating that it was Emily. Her face fell at the sight of Kelley. “Ugh, Horan. Don’t look so happy to see me,” Kelley complained, pushing her way into the room. “Rose isn’t here?Good then we can talk about-“ 

Lindsey tried to warn Kelley with her eyes and with frantic hand signals, but Kelley was too busy looking around their room to notice.“Talk about what?” came Rose’s voice from behind the curtain covering their window seat. 

“What the fuck?” Kelley shouted. 

“She said she likes it there,” Lindsey shrugged.

“Talk about what?” Rose repeated her question. 

“Um...we’re trying to figure out if we can both be in the same city as Son for her birthday.You know, to surprise her,” Kelley lied easily. “Rosie, be a dear and go get us some coffee, will you?”

Rose gave her a strange look, but Kelley was scary, so she did as she was told. 

Once Rose was gone, Lindsey looked at Kelley, who was now sitting on her bed.“You’re a good liar,” she commented as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the wall. “What did you want to talk about?” 

Kelley jumped up into the air and slammed down onto Lindsey’s bed like a child. Then she patted the bed next to her. “Why are you being so standoffish, Horan?I just want to know how things are going.”

Lindsey slowly made her way to Kelley and sat down, keeping her distance. “They’re fine,” Lindsey lied.

“Good. How’s the sex?”

“What the fuck, Kelley?”

“What?” Kelley asked innocently before she remembered the youngsters were never included in the highly intimate conversations she had with Ali, Ash, Pinoe, Allie, and Alex.“You hadn’t even been with a woman before, had you?” she guessed.“I remember when I switched teams. I was like, ‘Fuck! What took me so damn long?’”

Lindsey softened at Kelley’s sharing of personal info.“It’s really, really good,” she blushed. “Like so good.Like I would never go back to a man good.”

“You better not need to go back to a man, or to another woman,” Kelley said sternly. “That kid loves you. And I love her. And if you hurt her Horan, I swear to God...”

“Woah, Kell, that’s not what I meant,” Lindsey pleaded with her for understanding. “Besides, if anyone ends it, it’s not gonna be me.”Lindsey went on to explain to Kelley what Emily had been dealing with, her fears about the world, and more importantly, her parents finding out. 

Kelley sighed. She understood. Better than pretty much anyone. “I’ll talk to her.I get where her head’s at. It’s hard, growing up where we grew up. Coming out to my parents didn’t go well.”Just then, they heard the familiar sound of a key card in the slot. “I’ll tell you about it sometime,” Kelley promised. 

Rose entered the room balancing three cups of coffee. Kelley grabbed one off the top. “Thanks, Rosie,” she said cheerfully as she left the room. 

Rose eyed Lindsey as if she knew something was going on, but she couldn’t quite figure it out. She set Lindsey’s coffee down on the nightstand and turned around in a huff. “When you figure out what you’re doing for Sonnett’s surprise party, you better let me know.” She went back to her window seat.

* * *

Later, after meetings and training and more meetings, Rose started recruiting people to learn a new dance. Lindsey agreed to watch, but refused to participate. When she got down to the conference room, she was surprised that Emily wasn’t part of the group. Then, she got a text from her girlfriend. “Meet me in my room. And hurry up.” Lindsey stayed for a few more minutes, then picked a time when Rose was deep in dance discussions to slip out. 

She knocked quietly on the door. Emily opened it immediately.Standing there in a sports bra and sweatpants, it took everything Lindsey had to not kiss her there in the doorway. Emily pulled her inside. “Hi,” she smiled up at Lindsey. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too,” Lindsey beamed back at her as the door closed. “How did you get out of the new routine?”

“Oh, I told them my stomach was upset,” Emily replied easily.

“And they believed it?”Emily nodded. “God, you and O’Hara are such good liars.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Lindsey waved her off. “How much time do you think we have?”

“Enough for you to make last night up to me,” Emily replied coyly, pulling Lindsey towards her bed.She pushed Lindsey down and climbed on top of her, kissing her hungrily. “I had to take care of myself last night,” she complained. “I don’t like doing that.”

“Is that so?” Lindsey asked playfully. “What if I told you I wanted to _watch_ you do that.”

Emily bit her lip.“Fuck. Do you?Because I will if that turns you on.” By this point, they both know that Emily would do pretty much anything that Lindsey wanted.

“I do.I do wanna watch you. But not right now.We don’t have time for that.”She pulled Emily down into another kiss.

Emily pulled Lindsey back up so that she was sitting and then lifted Lindsey’s shirt over her head, followed by her sports bra. She gently laid Lindsey back down before she started to slide Lindsey’s shorts off. “Hey! I thought I was making last night up to _you. _Not the other way around.”

“You are, don’t worry.This is what I want as my revenge.”Lindsey had no idea how much Emily intended to tease her in what little time they had.

“Ok, if you say so,” Lindsey relaxed as she buried her fingers in Emily’s hair.Emily began to make her way down between Lindsey’s legs. 

Emily was so preoccupied with not giving Lindsey everything she wanted, and Lindsey was so preoccupied with trying to get Emily’s tongue to stay in one place, that neither of them heard the door open until it was too late. 

“Oh. My. God!”Sam screamed from the doorway.Emily rushed to get off of Lindsey and to cover her at the same time. “What the actual fuck?” Sam started laughing. At first it was a surprised laugh, but it grew until she was actually doubled over in stitches in the middle of Emily’s room. 

“What are you doing here, Sam?” Emily asked in horror. 

“Oh, Rose said it was bullshit only having 3 people in our routine and she told Mal to come get you. Mal said she was done begging you, so I volunteered. Good thing. Rose would have lost her shit if she came in here and caught you and you two hadn’t told her. Wait, you haven’t told her, have you?”Both women shook their heads. “Well you better before she finds out another way and won’t forgive you for keeping her in the dark. I really can’t believe it,” Sam shook her head. “I mean, I can, it was bound to happen the way you two look at each other,but damn I didn’t think it had already happened!”She threw a pillow at Emily. Emily buried her face in it. “Ok then, I’ll go tell her you’re super sick. And maybe put the bolt on when I leave?”

“Hold up, Sam, I’m coming with you.”Emily shot an apologetic look back at Lindsey who looked rather annoyed.Emily headed towards the door anyway,but paused at the last second. “Go on, Sam.Tell them we’ll be right down.”Emily walked back to Lindsey, handing her her discarded clothing.She sat on the edge of the bed while Lindsey got dressed. 

Lindsey sat up next to Emily. “I’m sorry, Em,” she mumbled. “I didn’t mean for us to get caught.”

“It’s my fault,” Emily admitted. “I’m the one who texted you, remember.”That brought a half smile of relief to Lindsey’s face. Emily took Lindsey’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “C’mon.Let’s go tell our best friends that we’re madly in love with each other.”

Lindsey laughed not even looking at Emily.But Emily squeezed her hand and leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, and it just felt different. Lindsey looked up at her. “Wait.Are you serious?”Emily nodded. “We don’t have to baby.I mean it.”

“I’m not ready to tell the whole team,” Emily confided. “But Rose and Mal?I can start there.”

“Ok. Ok.”Lindsey rubbed her hands on her thighs. “Let’s do this before you change your mind.” She nudged Emily’s shoulder. 

In the elevator, Emily grasped Lindsey’s hand.She was nervous. “They’re still going to love me, right?” 

“Of course, Em,” Lindsey assured her. “It’s not like they don’t already know you’re gay. Nothing is going to change. If anything, they’ll probably freak out about me.” Emily nodded. “But we don’t have to do this.”

“I know. But I want to. And Sam’s right.Rose will kill us if she finds out from someone else. Or she catches us.”The elevator doors opened and they dropped their hands. 

“Ugh!” Rose was exasperated. “What took you so long? We’ve already gone over the chorus and the first verse,” she huffed.

“Sorry,” Emily held her hands up in defense.“Don’t worry though. I’m a quick learner.”Rose rolled her eyes. “But Rose, we have something to tell you first. You and Mal both.”

“And Sam,” Lindsey added, not wanting either of them to know that they were only spilling their secret now that Sam had walked in on them. 

“And Sam,” Emily repeated.But she couldn’t find the words. These were some of her closest friends standing in front of her, andshe knew they didn’t care, but saying it was too much. 

Lindsey looked at her and saw how distressed she was becoming, her breathing turning shallow, deep lines forming on her face. She took Emily’s hand in hers.“Guys, I would like you to meet my girlfriend,” Lindsey said jokingly. Mal and Rose just blinked at her. “We’re together.We’ve been dating for a couple of months now,” she said slowly, pausing to let the words sink in. She held their clasped hands up as proof. 

“Oh my God!” Sam shouted, overplaying the role of excited friend who just found out. She wrapped them both in a hug and was quickly joined by Mal, who was now offering up her congratulations as well. 

Rose just stood back, sizing them up, taking it all in. “A couple of months, and we’re just now hearing about it?”

“We wanted to be sure it was serious first,” Lindsey lied. It has always been serious.

“So when you pushed Amy?”Rose had started to put two and two together. “And then you broke up with Russell?”

“Well, technically, I had broken up with him before that game,” Lindsey confessed. 

“Hmmm....Not straight after all,” Rose seemed to be pondering Lindsey’s sexuality.  


“Why is absolutely no one shocked by this?” Lindsey demanded to know. 

  
Rose shrugged. “And who else knows?” she asked.

“Well Kelley, and Press and Tobs. And AD.”Roses eyes widened at Lindsey’s admission.

“But Tobin and Press walked in on us,” Emily quickly added. “And so did AD, so those don’t count.”Sam started giggling and Emily and Lindsey both shot her a look.Ok, so maybe them being walked in on was a bit more of a pattern than they would like to admit. “So anyway, technically, I only told Kelley?” Emily offered up as the best explanation she could to Rose.

Rose seemed satisfied with it, with basically being the second person to really know. Ok, tied for second with Mal and Sam. Same same. The accidental discoveries don’t count, she has decided. “Fine.I approve.I guess you two are cute. And it was bound to happen sooner or later. But,” her voice took a stern tone. “Neither one of you better fuck anything up, because goddamnit, I am here to win fucking Olympic gold and also I do not want to be put in the middle of two of my best friends because that would be supremely shitty! Got it?”

Lindsey and Emily looked at each other in complete shock. That was a lot of foul language for Rosemary Kathleen Lavelle. They both nodded at her. Emily sprang forward and almost tackled Rose in a hug. Lindsey stood back and watched with a smile on her face. She was the only person in the room who understood just how much the reaction of their three friends meant to Emily. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are y’all still reading this? Do you want me to keep going? Because if so, Thanksgiving is going to be at the Sonnett’s tomorrow.


	32. Perception is Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they plan on spending the holidays together, and Emily’s afraid Lindsey’s clothing choices might tip off her mother that Lindsey’s gay.

“Come to Denver and spend Thanksgiving with me and my family.” It was a statement, but the way Lindsey’s voice sounded, it came out more like a question. She was lying on her bed in her condo in Denver, FaceTiming Emily. As soon as the words escaped her lips, she already knew what Emily’s response would be.

”I can’t. You know that.” Emily wouldn’t even make eye contact with her, she just kept staring at the ceiling. “I have to be home for Thanksgiving. My mom would flip if I missed it.”

“Christmas then?” Lindsey tried to make her voice sound hopeful, but she already knew the answer to that too. She was embarrassed she even asked.  
  
“Linds.” Emily said quietly. She sounded pained, broken even.  
  
“It’s just... I miss you, Sonnett. We’re _together_ now. We should spend holidays together.”

  
But they’re not together, not really. Not completely, at least. Not when their families still don’t know. What kind of relationship could they really have, hiding? Lindsey was so desperate to get Emily to Denver with her so she could tell her family, and Emily was equally desperate to not have Lindsey in Georgia with her, at her home, with her parents. And yet one or both of those options seemed like the only way they’d see each other anytime soon.

“I miss you too,” Emily finally looked into the phone and right at Lindsey. “So much. But things have been better? Let’s not do this.”  
  
And Emily was right; things had been better. They’d settled into a life of FaceTiming, and it was almost a good as the real thing. Almost. With the time difference, sometimes Emily was up til 3am talking to Lindsey. She was exhausted, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She prolonged their conversations every bit as much Lindsey did. They’d found a way to make it doable. Even the sex part of it.

Their only rough spot really for Lindsey had been Emily going back to her alma mater for their playoff game. Seeing her with Moe and her former UVA teammates, Lindsey started to come to terms with the fact that Emily’s life really was two distinct realities – her authentic self, the way she was in Portland, and this person Lindsey hardly recognized when she was back home, back in the South. The way she dressed was different, her hair was different, and Lindsey thought she was totally, unbelievably gorgeous. But other than a few glimpses of her real personality, that personality that drew everyone in as much it had drawn Lindsey in, it made Lindsey realize that she wasn’t a part of an entire half of Emily’s world.

But Lindsey wasn’t going to let it go. “Let me come to Thanksgiving at your parents’ house then. And you can come home with me sometime in December. Then you can go back to Georgia for Christmas.”  
  
It’s not an unfair suggestion, and Emily knows this. “Fine,” she sighed.  
  
Fine. She’s not excited about it. Lindsey can tell she’s dreading the thought of. But fine isn’t a no, and Lindsey will just have to count that as a win, albeit a small one. “I’m not going to out you to your family and friends, Emily. I just want to be a part of your life,” Lindsey promised.  
  
“I know,” Emily mumbled.

“Call your parents and ask if it’s ok.” She wasn’t about to trust Emily’s ‘fine.’ Emily sighed. “Now, Son.” Because if not now, then when? Emily would probably just find a way to get out of it. “And call me back.”

Emily fell back on her couch again and made the call. Her mom picked up, her voice chipper. Emily can see the smile on her made-up, perfect face through the phone. “Hey, sugar pie!” That voice immediately brought Emily back to her childhood, to the fancy holiday meals, the formality of everything, the dresses, the ‘yes sirs’ and the ‘no ma’ams, the ‘mind your manners,’ the ‘cross your legs,’ and the countless times she had to go to cotillion. But it also sent Emily right back to that place of shame, and of hiding as a way to survive, of not showing her true self, or her emotions – _fix your make-up, you can’t wear that, leave your hair down, stop playing with the boys, it doesn’t matter how you feel it only matters how you look._ It brought back the memories of all the times she was asked about why she didn’t have a boyfriend and all the times she had to have a boyfriend, or lie about having a boyfriend. And it brought her back to the near constant question: _why can’t you act like a lady?_  
  
“Hey, mama.” Emily’s voice is subdued, but her mother doesn’t even recognize it.

“How was Virginia, baby?” And before Emily even has a chance to answer, she continued.“You looked so beautiful in all those pictures you posted on Instagram. I showed all my friends. Bonnie really wants you to meet her son when you’re here. When are you coming?”

Emily tried to contain the audible sigh that was about to escape her lips. “I’ll be there in a couple days, Mama,” she promised.

“Good. We can’t wait to see you. Now, I’ve got to get back to picking up. Helen and Charles are coming over for dinner tonight.” Emily’s mom hadn’t even bothered to ask why she called.

Emily is forced to interrupt her. “Mama, would it be ok if Lindsey came to Thanksgiving at our house?” she asked.

“Now honey, why would she want to spend Thanksgiving with us when she’s got her own family?”  
  
Emily didn’t think about this, about her mom questioning _why_ Lindsey would be coming to dinner. She was forced to think quickly. “Her parents are going to be out of town.” And because she knew that wasn’t enough of an explanation, she adds, “She didn’t want to go with them. She’s been training hard. She’s gonna train with me and Mal and Kelley while she’s here.”  
  
“Mmmm.” Her mom sounds displeased, and Emily can’t tell if it’s because of her bad grammar or because she’s bringing up training. “That’s fine, honey,” she replied, distracted.  
  
“Thanks, Mama. Tell Daddy I love him. See y’all soon.” Emily hung up the phone and breathed a sigh of relief, taking a moment before calling Lindsey back.

Lindsey impatiently answered the phone on the first ring, not even bothering to say hello. She wanted to know right away what Mrs. Sonnett’s answer was, and the hopefulness in her voice was breaking through. Emily was glad she didn’t have to disappoint her girlfriend, and honestly, she was pretty stoked about seeing Lindsey soon too. She had been keeping busy, between UVA and Atlanta, as a way to distract herself from missing Lindsey, but it didn’t really work all the time. She hoped since Lindsey was coming anyway that she would make it in time for Emily’s birthday, but Lindsey had commitments over the weekend with the Colorado Rush, her youth team, and Lindsey’s mom insisted on having an early Thanksgiving on Tuesday, so Lindsey couldn’t make it to Georgia until the day before Thanksgiving.

Lindsey could hear the disappointment in Emily’s voice when she said she couldn’t be there for her birthday, and she felt horrible. “Em, I’m sorry I can’t be there, and I know this won’t change it, but” she leaned over the edge of the bed and rummaged through a bag, pulling out a new piece of lingerie, “I was saving this for when I come visit, but... what about a sneak peak?”

Emily’s eyes brightened and she nodded eagerly. This was definitely better than nothing. Lindsey smiled coyly and disappeared from sight, only to reappear a few minutes later, wearing the red, lacy one piece. It was nearly see-through, doing little to cover Lindsey’s nipples. And it was short, barely long enough to hide anything. Squinting her eyes to see better, Emily could tell it didn’t come with any underwear, just that one piece sheer slip, like a negligee. “What do you think?” Lindsey asked shyly. Emily couldn’t speak, her mind was racing, but she managed another enthusiastic nod. 

Lindsey laid back down on the bed, propping the phone up. She could see Emily’s chest rising and falling more rapidly now. “Tell me what you would do if you were here.” Lindsey’s voice had dropped an octave. She knew it drove Emily crazy. Emily shook her head. She still wasn’t completely comfortable with this. Better. But not comfortable verbalizing what she wanted. Lindsey understood this. She was patient.

“Ok. Then I’ll show you.” Lindsey started to touch herself, first her nipples, which were already hard under the fabric. She closed her eyes as her hips started to move, as if Emily was on top of her, grinding against her center. She let her hand dip below the slip, opening her eyes to see how Emily was reacting. Emily’s eyes were locked on her now, taking in her body. Lindsey used two fingers to begin massaging her clit. She went slow at first, but she was too worked up to continue drawing it out, and she figured Emily didn’t want her to either. She picked up the pace, rubbing hard and fast, trying to simulate what she would get from Emily’s strong, dexterous tongue. It wasn’t the same, but it’s close enough. She thrusted her hips up into her hand, digging her heels into the bed for leverage as she came, a deep moan escaping her lips. She squeezed her thighs tight around her own hand.  
  
As soon as she was able, she focused on Emily. Emily’s eyes were closed and she was biting her lip. “Let me see what you’re doing, baby,” she whispered. With her free hand, Emily complied, tilting the phone down. Her hand had dipped below her waistband and Lindsey could tell from her movements that she was fingering herself. She desperately wished those were her fingers inside Emily, and the thought caused her to plunge her own fingers inside herself. She needed to get off again, and watching Emily made that task easier. 

Emily was quiet, she always was when she was masturbating. Lindsey thought it must be the shame she feels from it, from what she was taught growing up. “Let me see your face,” she instructed, and Emily turned the phone back upward. She watched as Emily bit her lip harder and squeezed her eyes shut tighter, an expression of ecstasy covering her face. It almost looked like pain. Emily’s lips separated slightly as she came in almost complete silence. Lindsey came too, and she tried to match Emily’s quietness, but it was no use.   
  


“Look at me, Em.” Emily opened her eyes and watched Lindsey suck her own juices off of her fingers. It made Emily wish she was there to suck on Lindsey’s fingers, to lap up her wetness, to run her hands up under that red negligee that she was wearing. Lindsey smiled to herself. Driving Emily crazy was high on her list of priorities. “So, I should pack this right?” she asked, trying not to sound smug.

“Babe,” Emily whined, “we _can’t_.”   
  
“Ok,” Lindsey shrugged. “Whatever you say. I’ll just leave it here in Denver, and I guess when you want to see it again, you’ll have to come visit me.”

* * *

Emily called Lindsey on Tuesday night while she was packing. “Hey baby. I’m glad I caught you in the middle of packing.”

“Why’s that?” Lindsey asked distractedly, folding a pair of camo pants.

“So I can see what you’re bringing.”  
  
“Oh, you mean like this?” Lindsey asked, holding up a new set of lingerie for Emily to see.  
  
This was a two piece set, also red, Lindsey’s favorite color. Emily felt her mouth go dry. “You can’t bring that.”  
  
“Why not?” Lindsey asked as she added it to her suitcase. “It’s only for your eyes.”

Emily ignored her and chose to focus on more important matters. “Also, you can’t dress gay while you’re here,” Emily explained. “You need to bring... girly clothes.”  
  
“What are you talking about? I don’t dress ‘gay.’”

“Lindsey, you give off the vibe...”

“I absolutely do not,” Lindsey argued.

“Why is it, you think, that not a single one of our teammates has ever been shocked when they’ve found out we’re together? Like, you were supposedly straight, right? So why don’t they ever say anything about it?”  
  
Emily had a point. “Ok, whatever.” She held the phone so that Emily could see what she had picked out for the trip. “What do you think?”  
  
“No camo pants. No to the flannel...”

“But I like the flannel.”  
  
“No flannel. No to the joggers. No to those sandals. Leave my UVA sweatshirt back at your place. And no to that jacket.”

“Seriously, Em?” Emily nodded. Her face was _very_ serious. Lindsey grumbled, but she got up and took the phone into her closet. “Fine. Pick my wardrobe for your judgey family.”

* * *

  
When Emily had finished helping Lindsey pack more appropriate clothing for her visit, she knew she had one more thing to do before Lindsey arrived – tell her sister. She called Emma and asked her to come over for dinner. Emma tried to get out of it, arguing that she was going to see Emily tomorrow, but she heard the desperation in her twin’s voice and gave in. When Emma arrived, they ordered Thai. As they sat on the couch waiting for their delivery, Emily was visibly nervous. She kept rubbing her palms on her yoga pants and chewing the inside of her cheek. She started to second guess her decision to tell her sister. There really was no need to; she wasn’t going to pick up on anything because Lindsey had promised Emily there wouldn’t be anything to pick up on. But she felt like not telling Emma was lying by omission, and she wasn’t ok with that. She had always been able to tell Emma everything, well everything except that one small detail – she was gay. But what she felt for Lindsey was so different, so much more special, than anything she had with anyone before, and she felt like this relationship deserved the acknowledgement. And her sister deserved the truth.

  
“All right, Emily. You said this couldn’t wait til tomorrow. What gives?”

“I need to tell you something,” Emily mumbled, eyes down. “I don’t want to. But I have to. And I need you to promise you won’t tell mom and dad and I need you to promise that you won’t hate me.”  


“C’mon. You’re my sister, you know I could never hate you.”  
  
“I mean it, Emma.”

“So do I. There’s nothing in the world that would make me hate you. Rip the bandaid off.”  
  
Emily took one last deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut, unable to look at her sister when the words finally tumbled out. “I’m gay.” The silence enveloped her. She wanted her sister to say something, but Emma didn’t. She thought there was more to the confession, so she was waiting for Emily to keep talking. Finally, Emily couldn’t take it anymore. “Say something. _Anything_.”  
  
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know that was all you had to say. Um, Emily, I know you’re gay. So, like, is that what you had to tell me?”

“You know? How? How is that even possible?”  
  
“I dunno. You’re just... gay. I’ve always known. Well since high school at least. Oh my gosh, it was so annoying. All my straight friends were like obsessed with you. I swear to God, half the time I think they only came to sleepovers because they knew you’d be there. You’ve always had a way with the ladies. But why are you telling me now?” Emma asked.

“Because it’s Lindsey. Lindsey and I are together.”  
  
“Oh. _Oooohhh_. Lindsey as in your teammate? As in Lindsey who you live with? As in Lindsey who’s coming to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Mmm-hmm.”

“Mmm-hmm? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. I just thought you two were dating months ago, at the World Cup. But then Lindsey had a boyfriend, so I guessed I was wrong. Turns out I do know you as well as I thought I do.” Emma was beaming with pride.  
“So you’re ok with this?” Emily asked cautiously.  
  
“What? Yeah. You two are so super cute together. All those pictures from the celebration? Y’all looked in love. I’m happy for you, Emily. Did you tell mom and dad?”  
  
“Hell no!” Emily gave her a look of sheer horror. Emma looked back at her, momentarily confused. “Um, I’d like to still have a family. Not quite ready to be disowned yet. You can’t tell them.”

  
Emma nodded, processing what Emily was worried about. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too tired to finish the second part of the Thanksgiving story on Thanksgiving, so you’ll have to wait til tomorrow to see how the actual holiday goes for Lindsey and Sonnett. Sorry!
> 
> But looking forward, a visit to the Horan’s is in order.
> 
> Keep the comments coming! I love reading them! Thanks, y’all!


	33. Marietta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the South.

When Lindsey got off the plane and made her way to baggage claim at the Atlanta airport, she spotted Emily almost immediately. She was holding a small, handmade sign that read “Linessi.” Their eyes met across the crowded lobby and they both smiled. Lindsey rushed over to Emily and wrapped her in a tight hug. She was so tempted to kiss Emily, to take her face into her hands so she could really see her, to press their foreheads and their noses together, but she didn’t dare. This was Emily’s territory and she was functioning by Emily’s rules.

Emily took the backpack from Lindsey’s shoulder and grabbed her bag off the luggage conveyer. “Mama raised me to be a gentleman,” Emily winked. Somehow, Lindsey doubted it, but she wasn’t about to protest the sweet gesture. She followed Emily through the airport exit and to the parking garage. When they were finally inside the safety of Emily’s car, Emily quickly glanced around, and then pulled Lindsey towards her. “I missed you so much, baby,” she whispered, letting her fingers tangle in Lindsey’s hair.  
  
Lindsey’s hand rested on Emily’s chest, right below her throat. “I missed you, too. God, how are you so _beautiful_?” Emily blushed and shook her head, compliments like this were supposed to be given, not taken, in her mind. But Lindsey couldn’t get over how different Emily looked. Emily was always cute, and when she was in a tank or a sports bra - or less - she was sexy as hell, but now, dressed up in tailored jeans, knee high heeled boots, a sweater, and a scarf, well, she was absolutely stunning. Lindsey leaned the rest of the way in, meeting Emily’s soft lips for a kiss that seemed like it was never going to end. Their lips fell in sync like they hadn’t spent three weeks apart. Emily tugged gently on Lindsey’s bottom lip. Lindsey ran her tongue across Emily’s. “You’re wearing lip gloss,” she commented. Emily nodded. “Well, not anymore. Guess you’re gonna need to reapply.”  
  
As Emily pulled out of the parking space to begin their thirty minute drive to her parents’ home in Marietta, Lindsey began playing with the baby hairs on the back of her neck. The light caresses drove Emily crazy. She had missed Lindsey’s touch more than she realized. Most of their trip was in silence. They talked every day, several times a day. They didn’t need to catch up, and they were just enjoying being in each other’s presence. But finally Emily had to break the silence. “We can’t slip up this weekend, Linds. Not even once.” Her voice was as serious as Lindsey had ever heard it. “No sneaking around, no flirting, no looks, no touching. Nothing.”  
  
“I know, Son. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna mess up. But anyway, relax. Your mom loves me.”

“My mom loves straight Lindsey. The Lindsey that has a boyfriend. She absolutely does not love the Lindsey that likes to be between her daughter’s legs.”

“What about the Lindsey that you had up against the shower wall? Does she like that Lindsey?” Emily gave her a look. “I seem to recall you loved that Lindsey last time you were in Denver,” she said coyly.

Emily coughed, changing the subject. She couldn’t be getting all worked up right now. “Also, I told them your parents went out of town for Thanksgiving and that’s why you’re celebrating with us. In case my parents ask.”  
  
“What? That’s a dumb reason. I would just go with them.”  
  
“Yeah, I know. But my mom really put me on the spot. I told her you were so focused on your training that you couldn’t take a break and that you were going to work out with Kelley’s trainer everyday while you were here. That made it believable.”

  
They pulled up in front of Emily’s house and Emily parked her car. She gave Lindsey’s hand one last squeeze. “Let’s do this.” They got their bags out of Emily’s trunk, walked up the front sidewalk and through the Sonnetts’ front door. It was strangely quiet inside. Lindsey felt like she was in another world. Everything was so formal, one of those houses where there’s a place for everything and everything has its place. She took it all in, wide-eyed.  
  
Just then, Emma came round the corner and hugged Lindsey from behind. “Hey, stranger!”  
  
“Hey, Emma. How have you been?” Lindsey smiled.  
  
“Where are mom and dad?” Emily interrupted them.  
  
“They went to the store. Something about dad not getting anything to make for breakfast tomorrow or Friday, I don’t know.” Then turning back to Lindsey, she said, “I’m doing well. You?” But before Lindsey could answer, just like her mother, Emma continued. “So my sister, huh?” She looked from Lindsey to Emily and back. “Don’t you think you could do _better_?”

Emily looked up at the ceiling and let out a deep sigh. Her shoulders slumped. It was the same shit that Emma used to pull when she’d meet Emily high school or college “boyfriends.” Lindsey reached over and touched Emily’s hand reassuringly. “_She_ could probably do better,” Lindsey replied. “I won the lottery with her. There’s no one I’d rather be with.” The look on her face was pure adoration. She said the entire sentence looking straight at Emily, but Emily almost missed it in her frustration at her sister’s teasing. Emily dropped her head back down and her eyes moved to Lindsey’s face. She caught that look at the last minute, and she felt something different towards Lindsey in that moment, a love that was even deeper. “Thank you,” she mouthed.

Just then, Emily heard the familiar sound of the garage door opening, and she jerked her hand away from Lindsey. After a beat, there were two quick honks from a car horn, and Emily and Emma rushed out of the room. Their mother had trained them from an early age that she might be the one getting the groceries, but she certainly wasn’t going to be the one to carry those bags inside. Jane Sonnett sauntered into the kitchen, makeup and hair fully done, carrying nothing but her purse. She was followed by Bill, who was carrying a couple of bags, and Emily and Emma, who were laden with bags from the grocery store. “Lindsey, honey, hello,” she said, giving her a half hug and pressing her cheek to Lindsey’s in one of those fake kisses. “How are you, darling?” Bill followed behind his wife and gave Lindsey a warm, welcoming hug. “The Great Horan is gracing is with her presence,” he laughed one of his great belly laughs.   
  
“I’m good, Mrs. Sonnett” Lindsey smiled easily.  
  
“You’re well,” Jane corrected her. Then she turned to Emily. “You said you’d be here two days ago. I didn’t expect you to stay back in Atlanta until Lindsey got here. I told you that Bonnie wanted to introduce you to her son.” Emily just looked down, embarrassed. Her cheeks felt like they were on fire. This was exactly why she had waited until the last possible moment to come home.  
  
“Aw, Em, is he cute?” Lindsey laughed, playing the game.  
  
Emily looked at her, wide-eyed. “I- I don’t know,” she stammered. “He was two grade above me in school.” As Jane turned her back, Emily gave Lindsey a ‘what the fuck’ look, but Lindsey just winked back at her.  
  
“He’s an attorney, honey,” Jane continued, as if that meant something to Emily. “Anyway,” she turned back around to look at all three girls. “Emma’s boyfriend is coming tomorrow and staying with us. He’ll have to have the guest room. Lindsey, you’ll just have to stay with Emily. I hope that’s ok. I’m sure you’re used to sharing rooms on the road.” Lindsey nodded, biting her lip hard so she didn’t betray her pleasure with a smile. “Oh don’t bite your lip, doll. It’s a horrible habit.” Lindsey wanted to burst out laughing. But she didn’t. If this weekend continued going this way, Emily was going to owe her, big time. “Emily, show Lindsey to your room please and help her unpack. Then I’ll need your help in the kitchen.”

Emily let Lindsey carry her bags this time, as they headed upstairs. They had barely closed the door to Emily’s room when Emma burst through. “Um, knock next time?” Emily sounded annoyed.  
  
Emma ignored her. “This is so fucking unfair. Spencer has to sleep in the guest room and you two get to spend four nights together? In the same bed! Because you two are gonna play the ‘we’re just best friends’ card? This is bullshit.”  
  
“Yes, Emma, total bullshit.” Emily shook her head and flopped down on her bed. She had been home for all of ten minutes and was already exhausted. “It’s the one advantage we have over you hetero couples. Just sneak into his room like you always do.”

“Whatever. Anyway, Lindsey, Emily wouldn’t answer any of my questions or tell me anything about how this,” she waved her hand between the two of them “happened, so... I have questions.”

Lindsey looked over at Emily, wondering what she should do, but Emily just rolled her eyes. “Go ahead and tell her whatever she wants to know if you’re ok with it. She’s not going to leave us alone until she gets all the details.”

“Ok, good,” Emma smiled. “So when did this happen? How? Did this have something to do with that godawful Utah game? Didn’t you have a boyfriend? Are you gay? Is Emily the first chick you’ve dated? Is it really that different than being with a guy? is she a good girlfriend? Did you seriously _never_ think you might want to be with a girl before Emily? Who made the first move? She kissed you? No way! Where’d you go on your first date? Do your teammates know? What did they say? Is it hard to be professional? Do you room together on trips? Are y’all, like, in love? You better not break my sister’s heart, because you know you’re going to have to deal with me right? Do you really think y’all are going to be able to spend five days here and Mom and Dad won’t find out?”

Lindsey had kind of been enjoying answering Emma’s questions, recounting the beginning of her relationship with Emily, and having someone to talk freely about it with. But the last question caused Emily to sit straight up. “They’re not going to find out, Emma. They can’t. I already told you this.”  
  
“Ok, jeez,” Emma held her hands up defensively.  
  
Just then, they heard their mom’s voice calling them from the bottom of the stairs, effectively ending their conversation. When they came into the kitchen, Jane simply said, “Wash up,” and the twins did before immediately starting on their tasks, the same tasks they obviously had every year. Jane was mashing sweet potatoes. Emma began rolling out the pie dough that her mother had prepared yesterday. Emily stood by the counter over a gigantic bowl of dried out biscuits and cornbread, breaking them into tiny crumbs. Lindsey sat on a stool and watched for a minute, trying to get a bearing on their smoothly-functioning preparations before she finally decided what Emily was doing didn’t seem that hard. She got off her stool and stepped next to Emily. Jane’s back was to them on the opposite side of the kitchen. Lindsey sunk her hands into the bowl, mimicking Emily and breaking the cornbread and biscuits into tinier and tinier crumbs.

‘What are we making?” she whispered, not wanting Jane’s judgement.  
  
“Dressing,” Emily replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What is dressing? Is it like stuffing?”

“No, it doesn’t go in the turkey. We have cornbread dressing in the South. Not stuffing.” Emily grinned. “Welcome to your first Southern Thanksgiving.”  
  
“The first of many, I hope?” Lindsey whispered. She was already breaking the rules. Lindsey kept her hands firmly on her side of the bowl as she worked, but she soon noticed that Emily was purposely moving her hands closer and closer to Lindsey’s until their fingers brushed. Emily didn’t look up, but out of the corner of her eye, Lindsey could see a smile form on Emily’s face. Lindsey leaned over and bumped Emily with her shoulder. When they finished their task, Emily got out an extra cutting board and knife and passed them to Lindsey – the onions and celery needed chopping. Emily took on the onions, not trusting Lindsey and her lack of culinary skills to be able to handle the task without her eyes tearing up.

“Ok, girls,” Jane interrupted the silence. “We have dinner reservations in two hours. Go clean up.” The three girls headed upstairs.  
  
“What do we need a two hour warning for?” Lindsey asked.  
  
“Shower. Blow dry. Makeup. The works,” Emma replied. “I’m sure we’re going somewhere fancy.”  
  


* * *

And they were. Bill drove them, the three girls squeezed into the back seat, with Emily in the middle, to Spring, a small restaurant near the square that Lindsey was excited to find used a French preparation in many of their dishes. Bill ordered a bottle of wine for the table, and they began chatting about how things were going with the team since the recent coaching change, and their excitement for January camp. Well, four of them did. Mrs. Sonnett was wholly uninterested in soccer talk and as soon as there was a break in their conversation, she asked about Lindsey’s parents’ trip. “Oh, um, they went to um, the Bahamas,” Lindsey stumbled over the words. Having a heads up about needing to lie didn’t make it any easier for her.

“I can’t imagine you not wanting to go,” Jane continued. “It’s the Bahamas.”  
  
Emily jumped in. “Lindsey’s very serious about her training, Mama.” There was a sense of pride in her voice, as if she meant it even though she was lying. “I already told you, we’re going to work out every day with Kelley and her trainer.”  
  
“Gotta stay on top,” Lindsey added. “Too many young players trying to grab our spots.” Maybe lying wasn’t too hard after all.

Jane steered the conversation away from soccer again. “How’s your boyfriend Lindsey? Why aren’t you spending Thanksgiving with him?”  
  
_Fuck_. They hadn’t planned for this. “Oh, um...” Lindsey could hear her heart pounding in her ears. And then she felt it – Emily’s hand on hers in her lap, breaking the rules, trying to steady her, but unable to save her. “We broke up. He cheated on me.” _Fuck_. That was probably too much information to make a good lie. Emily stroked her hand under the table. No one had a clue.

“A pretty girl like you, I can’t believe that. It’s his loss,” Jane assured her. “You’ll find someone soon. Hopefully Emily will too.” Lindsey blushed. Emily, looking down, blushed, and squeezed Lindsey’s hand. Jane ordered another bottle of wine as their entrees arrived. The rest of the meal was much easier for Lindsey, as the conversation briefly turned to how her family was and what they had been up to, before Jane began a long, arduous update for Emily regarding all of the relatives she’d be seeing tomorrow – how everyone was, relationship updates, job changes, school progress. It was dizzying. Jane pointedly looked at Emily but directed her words at Lindsey. “She doesn’t come home often enough to know what’s going on with her own family. I bet you make time to see your folks during the season.”

Lindsey shook her head. “Probably not as much as they’d like,” she admitted. She wanted to defend Emily. She wanted to step in and tell Mrs. Sonnett that Emily actually loved being home, and would come home more if she only felt accepted by her own parents, but Lindsey left it at that. It burned her deep in her gut that her girlfriend had to deal with a lack of tolerance from the people who were supposed to love her the most. 

* * *

  
The car ride home was quiet. Emily was emotionally drained and it was only day one. She wanted so bad to rest her head on Lindsey’s shoulder, even though it was a short drive, but she couldn’t. Even if it was something she could get away with, because friends do it all the time, she felt too self-conscious. When they got back home, Emily announced that she and Lindsey needed to get to bed. Lindsey was probably tired from her flight, she told everyone, and that combined with the wine, combined with their early workout tomorrow, the lie was easily accepted. They wished Emily’s parents goodnight and headed upstairs together.  
In the safety of her room, Emily collapsed into Lindsey’s arms, thankful for the lock on her door. They stood there hugging, with Lindsey gently stroking Emily’s back. “I’m sorry dinner was uncomfortable,” Emily muttered into Lindsey’s neck. “I’d like to say that’s the worst of it, but I’d probably be lying.”

“Speaking of lying,” Lindsey said, pushing Emily away from her just a bit so she could see Emily’s face. “Should I be worried that you’re so good at it?”

“It’s not like I _want_ to be good at it. I grew up having to lie, Linds. To survive here. I don’t lie to you. Ever.” She reached up and hooked her fingers behind Lindsey’s jaw, pulling her in for a kiss. “I’m glad you came. Even if its awful. You make it less awful, at least.” She lifted her sweater over her head and turned around so Lindsey could unhook her bra.

“I thought you said no...”  
  
“We have to change, don’t we?” Emily interrupted.  
  
“Mmhmm,” Lindsey murmured, kissing the back of Emily’s neck as she slid her bra straps off of her shoulders. She let her hands follow, running down Emily’s arms, and felt Emily shiver. “I just want you to know that this is going to be torture. Like more torture than a conversation about boys with your mom.”  
  
Emily pulled away from Lindsey so she could finish undressing. She let Lindsey watch her as she drew out the process until she was totally naked. “Maybe I like torturing you,” she shrugged, disappearing into the bathroom to wash the makeup off of her face. Lindsey followed, watching Emily’s muscular body in the bathroom mirror, staring at her bare ass as she bent over to splash water on her face. But she didn’t touch. She didn’t have much faith in herself that she’d be able to stop if she started. When she was done, Emily brushed past her and went to her dresser, pulling a t-shirt and sleep shorts on. Emily’s blatant ignoring of her was surprising though.  
  
“Two can play this game you know,” Lindsey replied pushing Emily down on the bed. Lindsey stood at the foot, slowly unbuttoning her blouse, letting it fall to the floor. Emily propped herself up on her elbows so she could watch. She repaid Emily with the same unhurried removal of her clothing, piece by piece, until she was naked.  
  
“Come here,” Emily whispered.  
  
But Lindsey shook her head and ducked into the bathroom to wash her own face. Emily flopped back down on the bed, frustrated. She had made this stupid rule and now that she didn’t want Lindsey to follow it, Lindsey was fucking following it. Lindsey came back out of the bathroom and bent over in front of Emily rummaging through her suitcase for her own night clothes. Emily rolled on her side so she could see Lindsey in full. “Fuck.” Lindsey smirked as the sound of Emily’s voice. In one word, she could hear Emily whine, beg, want her, and need her. “What if I changed my mind?” Emily asked. It had been three weeks since she had touched Lindsey, tasted her, felt Lindsey inside of her. She had very much overestimated her ability to behave herself.   
  


Lindsey climbed into top of Emily, holding herself up with one arm. She used her other hand to caress Emily’s face. In between kissing her, she managed to get out a broken sentence. “We can kiss all you want in here, since your door locks. And we can touch all you want - over the clothes. Not under. Got it. And the clothes stay on. Just in case.”

Emily looked up at her and nodded eagerly in agreement. “There’s a lot we can do with our clothes still on,” she winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so looking into the future, do we want their sad hours to be quite temporary, or much longer, much more serious sadness? I have two story lines in my head and need to decide which way to go? So basically, they can be sad for like a week, or sad for like months and months.


	34. Waffle House on Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh the conversations around the dinner table. aka a glimpse into what Emily grew up with.

Emily loved looking at Lindsey through the early morning light while she slept. When they were together, she’d regularly wake up early just to watch Lindsey sleep, and then tuck back into her arms so that that way, when Lindsey finally woke up, she could pretend to still be sleeping. She loved how cute Lindsey looked lying there, eyes closed, face at peace, the corners of her lips barely turned up in a slight smile, as if she were in the middle of a good dream. Somehow, this morning, Lindsey was even more attractive, maybe because she was curled up in Emily’s childhood bed. Emily couldn’t resist waking her up. That, and they needed to get going. Lindsey stirred as Emily planted little kisses onto her neck, her collarbone, and finally her throat. “Happy Thanksgiving, baby.” Her voice was muffled against Lindsey’s skin.  
  
Lindsey grumbled out a reply, followed by “Why are you awake?” without opening her eyes. She pulled Emily in tighter to her, figuring she could find a way to get her to go back to sleep. It was cold, even under the covers. Every part of her body that wasn’t touching Emily was cold. Maybe Emily just needed warmth. Lindsey ran her hand up under Emily’s shirt to warm her back. It seemed to relax Emily, but only for a minute.  
Emily pushed Lindsey onto her back and rolled on top of her. “We need to get going,” she said softly.  
  
Lindsey remembered - their ridiculous lie. “Tell Kell she’s fucking insane for working out this early.” Lindsey still refused to open her eyes. “This lie is not worth it.”  
  
Convincing Lindsey to get out of bed was going to be harder than Emily had anticipated. “Trust me, it’s not going to be that bad,” Emily whispered between kisses to Lindsey’s jawline, finally landing on her ear. That made Lindsey shiver. It always made Lindsey shiver. But she still wouldn’t open her eyes. Emily had to move on to a different approach. She let her fingers find the bottom hem of Lindsey’s shirt. Slowly, she worked her fingers under the edge, letting them lightly move up Lindsey’s abs. Lindsey grabbed Emily’s wrist right before Emily’s fingers reached her breasts. “Rule breaker,” she grumbled, sleepily.  
  
Time to resort to more drastic measures. Emily drove her hip into Lindsey, grinding against her, kissing her open mouth right as she moaned. Emily watched Lindsey’s face. Her eyes were still shut, squeezed shut now, but she was certainly awake. She thrust into Lindsey again and Lindsey’s hips involuntarily rose against her, immediately seeking more pressure. Emily gave her what she wanted as she bent her knees and dug her heels into the mattress. Lindsey’s hands grabbed at Emily’s ass under her shorts, fingers digging in. Every time Emily grinded her hip into Lindsey, Lindsey pulled her in more. They moved in sync together, Emily watching her. She loved to see Lindsey like this, head thrown back in ecstasy, lips barely parted. “You’re being so quiet, baby,” Emily whispered in her ear. “I know you’re not going to be able to keep it up much longer.” She continued grinding against Lindsey’s clit. “Tell me when you’re almost there.” 

“Not yet. Don’t stop,” Lindsey managed to get out through her gasps. Emily picked up her pace, rubbing into Lindsey’s clit faster. “Oh god, Em, I-“

Emily rushed to cover Lindsey’s mouth with her hand, getting it there just in time to deaden Lindsey’s moan. Lindsey wrapped her legs around Emily as she recovered. Emily kissed her softly on the lips. “Get dressed.”

* * *

  
Downstairs, no one in the Sonnett household was awake yet. Emily and Lindsey slipped out the door and into Emily’s car. Lindsey propped her feet up on the dash and leaned against the window, closing her eyes, determined to go to sleep. Emily reached over to hold her hand, but she let Lindsey rest until she got to where she was going. Between the car turning off and the little squeeze Emily gave Lindsey’s hand, she opened her eyes when Emily had reached their destination. They were at Waffle House.  
  
Lindsey blinked in confusion. “We can’t eat this before we work out. And if we’re not working out now, I could have just slept in. That’s far preferable to breakfast, Son.”

Emily just laughed. “We’re not working out, baby. Not unless you want to. We’re having breakfast. While we pretend to work out. I’m blessing you with the perfection that is Waffle House. You can dine in the same place that has my jersey on display,” she added proudly.  
  
A look of relief washed over Lindsey’s face. “Oh thank God.” But once inside, her expression quickly changed. “What am I supposed to order?” she asked, looking at the menu. This all seems very, um, artery clogging? How do they not even have oatmeal?” She wasn’t expecting avo toast, but like, oatmeal was universal, wasn’t it?  
  
“They have grits. And I’ve been eating it for years. I’m fine,” Emily assured her, laughing.  
  
Lindsey was about to concur – Emily was fine - but a waitress approached the table. She was probably in her 60s, hair graying, and plump. She looked like a grandma, her eyes were kind. “Well hey, Miss Emily. You’re back! We missed ya, baby. And you brought a friend.”  
  
“Hi, Miss Rosie. This is Lindsey. We play soccer together.”  
  
“Well welcome. Miss Lindsey.” Then looking between the two of them, Rosie asked, “What can I get you girls? The regular?”

“Yes, ma’am two please. But we’ll share the waffle. Can you add chocolate chips, please?” Emily grinned at Lindsey. She was certain Lindsey was going to love the waffle.  
  
“Sure thing. I’ll be right back with your coffees.”  
  
“Thanks, Miss Rosie.”  
  
Lindsey looked at Emily in disbelief. “They know you here. Like _know you_, know you. I thought you were kidding about your Waffle House obsession.”  
  
“Oh I never joke about Waffle House. But yeah, Ro’s been working here since I was a kid. She’s seen me grow up. And my order’s never changed. Except the coffee. That used to be chocolate milk,” Emily shrugged. Rosie brought coffees to the table and Lindsey wrapped her hands around the mug, warming them. It was much colder in Georgia than she had anticipated.  
  
Lindsey watched Emily. She was so happy, so at ease. She was in her element in Georgia, except for in her childhood home of course, and Lindsey couldn’t help but letting her mind ruin the moment for her. When Atlanta enters the expansion, and they would eventually, maybe even as soon as after the next season, would Emily request to move home? Lindsey knew she loved Portland, but Lindsey was almost certain that Emily would choose _home_ over Portland. Everyone thought the expansion draft was so clear-cut: protect 2 USWNT players, any national team members beyond those two were susceptible to being scooped up by the expansion team. On the surface, Emily probably wouldn’t be any expansion team’s priority, but the NWSL wasn’t what it seemed. The public was largely unaware of all the backroom dealing that was done to keep certain players happy, expansion draft or not. It was how Ash and Ali got out of Washington, how Sam and Nikki got out of New Jersey, and why both couples got to stay together. It was how Lindsey ended up in Portland instead of Orlando. It was how Christen and Carli got out of playing in Houston, and how Syd and Dom got to be in Orlando together. If Emily, and Kelley for that matter, wanted to play for Atlanta when a team was formed, the league would find a way to make that happen. And even though that was far off into the future, Lindsey couldn’t help but think about it. And be worried about it, especially because she couldn’t see herself _ever_ living in Atlanta.

Their food was served quickly. Two fried eggs, bacon, hash browns, and grits with lots of butter, and a chocolate chip waffle in between them. Emily’s grin got even bigger. She watched Lindsey poke at her grits, not knowing what they were. “Waffle first,” Emily directed, spreading the butter and pouring an inordinate amount of syrup over the top. Seeing Lindsey not make a move, Emily cut into the waffle and reached her fork across the table towards Lindsey’s mouth. She kept her eyes on Lindsey’s face; Lindsey closed hers, savoring the bite, and then she smiled. Emily smiled. “Good, right?” she asked, mouth full from her own bite of waffle. Lindsey just nodded, trying to not give Emily too much credit lest her head swell even more. Emily laughed. She knew Lindsey knew it was good.

* * *

Thanksgiving dinner At the Sonnett’s’ started off with a prayer. Not a typical, we’re thankful for our loved ones, for health, for the food, etc. prayer, but a traditional Baptist prayer. It all went downhill from there.

Lindsey got to hear about the African American female judge who “stole” the election from a long-term white male judge. And she got to hear all about how they hoped Stacey Abrams stayed out of politics. There were Hillary and Obama jokes, and even a great uncle in a MAGA hat. When the conversation finally turned to soccer, at which point Lindsey breathed a sigh of relief, she was blindsided by rampant sympathy for Jaelene Hinkle, who had been “robbed” of her opportunity to play for the national team because she was an outspoken, God-fearing Christian woman. Lindsey couldn’t even process how Emily kept quiet through that mess.

Every grandparent and aunt and uncle Lindsey was introduced to asked her if she had a boyfriend, and acted as if not having one at the age of 25 was the kiss of death for a future of marriage, kids, and the housewife life. She saw the disapproving looks she got when she said she had no plans on having kids until she retired, and she had no plans of retiring for at least another 10 years.

Emily got the same treatment, but she handled it much better, with a hand on a forearm or back of the asker, leaning in and listening to their concerns intently with a smile on her face as she shook her head and continued to tell people “not yet.” She didn’t have a boyfriend “yet, but hopefully soon.”  
  
Sitting there at the dinner table, listening to all the talk of Emily’s previous and future boyfriends, Lindsey didn’t feel jealousy; she felt her heart break for her girlfriend. It was starting to sink in for her what Emily must be feeling, what she had felt for the majority of her life. Lindsey couldn’t even begin to comprehend what that would do to a person, to live for over a decade knowing you like girls, all while being surrounded by people who believe that who you are, at your core, is a sin. She couldn’t imagine the shame she felt, the internal conflict she must have had, or more importantly, what it would feel like to have parents who weren’t 100% supportive of her – just the way she was – like Lindsey had grown up with. And yet, at least on the outside, Emily seemed to take it all in stride. She didn’t flinch, didn’t bat an eye, never let her smile fade. It dawned on her that this was the root of Emily’s sense of humor. It was never about needing to be funny to pick up chicks; it was her way of dealing with all the pain in her life.

Emily had never really talked about any of it with Lindsey, how hard it must have been to hear every Sunday that she was evil or that she wasn’t worthy of love, or what it had been like to feel forced into dating people she didn’t want to date, all for show. Lindsey could _imagine_ it, but she really thought that it was probably very telling that Emily never _said_ it. She needed to say it, to process it, Lindsey thought. In that moment, all Lindsey wanted to do was take that pain away, to hold Emily, hug her, caress her face and her hand, and tell her that she was worthy of love, just the way she was. But she couldn’t. She was forced to sit at the table next to Emily with a fake smile on her face listening to all of it.

* * *

  
She didn’t get to talk to Emily about it that night either. After everyone left, and Lindsey had helped Emily and Emma clean up, Emily didn’t want to talk when they went to her bedroom. Her smile was gone, her eyes were empty and dull, she quietly changed and crawled into bed. Lindsey sat on the edge of the bed and took Emily’s hand. “Baby,” she said lovingly, “are you ok?” It was a ridiculous question, she knew, because she knew Emily was going to say yes, even though she wasn’t. Emily nodded, not looking at her. “Can we talk about it?”  
  
“Nothing to talk about,” Emily mumbled. “I shouldn’t have let you come. I should have known better. I’m sorry, Linds”

“Em, what are you talking about? I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you.”  
_  
“I’m fine_. This happens every time I come home. No big deal. But, you had to sit there and listen to them talk about boys I dated and talk about setting me up with guys, and I know that couldn’t have been easy to hear.” Once again, even when dealing with her own pain, all Emily could do was think of others.   
  
“Em-“  
  
“I just want to go to sleep. I don’t want to think about it anymore.”  
  
Lindsey let out a deep sigh, but she saw tears in Emily’s eyes and she didn’t have the heart to make her talk it out. She laid down next to Emily, facing her, and brushed her hair out of her face. She let her fingertips linger on Emily’s cheek, poised to jump in if her tears fell. But they didn’t; somehow, Emily held them back. Lindsey leaned in and kissed Emily softly on the lips, then pressed their foreheads together. “I’m gonna change, but I’ll be right back.” Lindsey hurried to get ready for bed. When she returned, Emily was still laying there in the same position, her eyes remained dull. “Turn over,” Lindsey said quietly as she climbed back into bed and under the covers. Emily did, and Lindsey pulled her in as tightly to her body as she could. Emily didn’t relax like she normally did when Lindsey held her. Lindsey pushed the hair off of Emily’s neck so she could kiss her, but Emily didn’t even react. “My poor baby,” Lindsey whispered into her bare skin. “I love you so, so much. I wish there was something I could do to take away your hurt.”


	35. When You Go Through Deep Waters, I Will Be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck all the right-wing conservative nut jobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Isaiah 43:2  
I thought it was appropriate considering that a body of water was always Emily’s safe place, what she’s going through, and that she has someone by her side now. And because Georgia is the Bible Belt, after all.

_Even though the largest rocks may stand in its way, water will always find a way to get through it._

* * *

Lindsey was jolted awake by the cold. She reached out in the dark to find an empty spot on the bed next to her. Emily was gone, but the bed was still warm. Lindsey rolled over and sat halfway up, spying the outline of Emily’s body in the window seat, shoulders hunched. She glanced at the clock. 4:30. She wondered if Emily had slept at all. Lindsey thought about saying something, calling Emily back to bed, but the silence was so overwhelming that she felt the sound of her voice would be too harsh. Instead, she climbed out of bed and made her way to Emily. She sat down opposite her, pressing her back into the wall, their feet overlapping in the too small space. Emily didn’t even notice her. She didn’t shift her gaze away from the window. Lindsey wanted to be there for her, but she didn’t know what else to do other than sit there with her.  
  
Half an hour later, Emily’s alarm goes off. _Not this bullshit of fake working out again_, Lindsey thought to herself. Emily snapped back to reality. “We’re going fishing. Do you want to come?” Lindsey looked at her like she had grown an extra head, and it was only partly because of the fishing comment. Emily’s voice was normal, steady. It was like nothing happened yesterday. Like she wasn’t awake basically in the middle of the night staring out the window in silence. Lindsey blinked hard at her. Emily clarified. “Family tradition. Me and Emma go fishing with Dad instead of Black Friday shopping with Mom.”  
  
Lindsey was certainly not going to go anywhere with Jane, not after yesterday. And for his part, Emily’s dad didn’t say anything homophobic yesterday. Or racist. Or political at all. Come to think of it, he didn’t say anything, so that seemed like a far better choice. Lindsey nodded.  
  
They got dressed in silence, and Lindsey couldn’t help but notice the bags under Emily’s eyes and how drawn her face looked. But as soon as they were downstairs, Emily was back in character. She hugged her dad, kissed her mom, made small talk as she poured herself and Lindsey a cup of coffee. Lindsey couldn’t get past how natural this all was for her - to switch personalities at the drop of a hat. She was so polished.  
  
Jane was the first one to leave, and Lindsey picked up on an almost imperceptible change in Emily as soon as her mom was out the door. Her entire body relaxed and life came back to her eyes. Her happiness was no longer forced. Bill finished loading the truck and the two couples piled in and headed to the reservoir, making a stop for Lindsey to get a fishing license first; she was the only one who didn’t have one.

* * *

  
Lindsey had never really understood the point of fishing. Not that her family ever did it, but it just didn’t seem... fun? Slimy worms, fish that stole worms, she wasn’t looking, hooks flying at her head while people were casting their lines, and the waiting. And waiting. And waiting. In complete silence because as Emily kept reminding her in hushed tones that she was going to “scare the fish away with your loud ass voice.”  
  
But it was the best time Lindsey had had in the past 3 days because Emily was Emily. She was silly and she made fun of Lindsey for refusing to touch the worms. She covered Lindsey’s hands with her own and stood behind her, teaching her how to cast while Emma rolled her eyes knowingly at Lindsey’s feigned lack of skill. She was a quick learner, and she got it after the first couple of times, but she was more than happy to suck at something when it meant Emily’s body was pressed up against her.  
  
Turned out she didn’t mind the quiet waiting either. Sitting next to Emily on the bank, breathing in the fresh, cool morning air, it was oddly peaceful. There was a sense of relaxation and happiness in the air, and no one seemed to mind that between the five of them, only Bill and Emily caught a fish. Lindsey was actually sad when it came to an end.

After dinner that night, after Jane had made them watch several hours of home movies of Emily and Emma as children, and their cheeks hurt from so much laughter, Emily stayed on the couch waiting for everyone else to go to bed. Those happy videos, they weren’t her real life. She wanted to show Lindsey what her real life in Marietta had been. 

She went and got their coats out of the hall closet and motioned for Lindsey to silently follow her. They got in Emily’s car and Emily’s silence was so purposefully apparent that Lindsey didn’t feel like she should ask why they were sneaking out or where they were going. After a few minutes, Emily pulled the car to the side of the road. “C’mon,” she said quietly.  
  
In the pitch black night, with only the light of their phones, she led Lindsey down a narrow, overgrown path through the woods. “I guess people don’t use this much anymore,” she commented, holding Lindsey’s hand to help her over a fallen log. The path opened into a clearing with a dock by the creek. She took Lindsey’s hand again and led her out onto it, sitting at the end, dangling her legs above the water. Lindsey sat next to her, not knowing what to do, so she just kept holding Emily’s hand. Wherever they were, Emily apparently didn’t seem concerned that anyone would catch them. She thought she knew Emily so well, but this trip was showing her that she only knew what her girlfriend had allowed her to know.  
  
Finally, Emily spoke. “I used to come here a lot when I was in high school.” Her voice was low and hoarse, as if she was on the verge of crying.  
  
Lindsey attempted to lighten the mood. “This is where you brought all your girlfriends I bet, huh? To get lucky.”  
  
Emily just shook her head. “No. This is where I’d come to get away. No one would ever find me here. I mean, I didn’t come here on Friday and Saturday nights, it’s where everyone used to drink, but after church, or after school, no one was ever out here. No one hated me out here. I didn’t hate myself here. Sometimes, I thought maybe God didn’t even hate me when I was out here.” Emily sighed a deep, shaky sigh. “I’m not like them, Lindsey. I’m not like her. Even if she did raise me.” Her voice broke.  
  
“I know you’re not.”

“But like, now you _know_. You know how ignorant and ass-backwards they are. They’re me, and I’m them. This was my childhood. This is my _life_.”  
  
“I don’t care. I know who you are, Emily Sonnett. I know exactly who you are, and what you stand for, and what’s in your heart.” She lifted her hand to Emily’s heart trying to emphasize that. “They don’t define you. You found a way to be who you wanted to be _in spite_ of them.”

Emily’s head just hung. “I’m just sorry, Linds. I’m sorry for this whole trip.”

“Baby, I told you last night that you don’t need to apologize.” Last night seems like forever long ago to Lindsey now. “Em, you need to talk to someone. If not me then a professional, but someone.”

Emily looked up at her, her eyes wild with pain. “What would be the point of that?” she sneered. “I’m not talking to someone. I’m not _weak_. I’m fine. Clearly, I’m fine. No bad days, right? I laugh everyday. I make you laugh everyday.”

“Congratulations on finding a way to hide your pain, Sonnett.” Lindsey let her frustration show through. It was misdirected though. She really wanted Emily to be ok, to get help, to process all of this.

“Whatever. I don’t even know why I brought you here. I guess I just wanted to share a piece of me with you, something that I never shared with anyone before, not even Emma. So, this is the only place I’ve ever felt safe in Georgia. Let’s go.” Emily tried to stand up.

Lindsey reached up and grabbed her hand, tugging at her, pulling her back down before she was even fully upright. “Baby, talk to me,” Lindsey pleaded.

“What do you want me to say?” Emily was sitting again, but the distance between them spoke volumes. “Do you want me to say that I had to spend every Sunday hearing that I was an abomination? That God hated me? That I was going to burn for all of eternity in hell?“

“Or maybe it wasn’t clear after yesterday. Do you want me to tell you that _every_ holiday was filled with talk about how people like me were disgusting? Did you get that, Linds? My holidays weren’t joyous occasions, they were a reminder that I was disgusting. Is this the kind of talk you wanted to have, Lindsey?” Emily’s voice was sharp, cutting through Lindsey like a knife, over and over, with every piece of the puzzle that she added.  
  
“Do you want me to tell you what it was like to be fucked by guys just so kids at school wouldn’t spread rumors about me being gay? I was so terrified my teachers would hear them and call my parents, so I let it happen. I needed it to happen. I tell everybody now that I’ve never slept with a boy, but that’s a fucking lie. You have no idea what I did to try to prove to everyone I was straight. To try to prove to myself that I could _be_ straight.” Emily was crying now and her anger and volume of her voice were escalating.  
  
“And then we can talk about what it feels like to grow up with a mom and a grandma whose love for you is fucking conditional. My own fucking mother taught me that people don’t love you for who you are on the inside, they love you for who you are on the outside. How fucked up is that? You have no idea how hard it was to trust you, to believe that you actually loved me for me, not for the shell I am. No idea. But they didn’t fuck up one thing about me. I can love the right way. I know how to. I love with all of my heart and soul no matter what it might cost me.” Emily didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore or to many another sarcastic, biting comment. She felt broken.  
  
Lindsey wrapped Emily in a hug so violent that it almost knocked them both over. Emily collapsed into her. Lindsey never wanted to let go, and in that moment, she told herself she never _would_ let go of Emily. Lindsey was crying now too, the lump in her throat so large that she couldn’t speak even if she wanted to. Their tears mixed together until there was no way of telling who they belonged to.

It was that moment that Lindsey vowed to take away Emily’s hurt one kiss at a time. To hold her up when she felt like she was going to fall. To show her that she is good and deserves good things. To teach her that at least _her_ love will always be unconditional. To love her through this.  
  
But how do you erase pain that’s taken over for more than half of a person’s life? How do you silence the voices screaming sinner, disgusting, fag, God hates you, burn in hell?

You don’t.

You can’t.


	36. The Knock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily surprises Lindsey in Denver... and runs into Lindsey’s boyfriend.

There’s a soft knock on Lindsey’s door.She wasn’t expecting anyone, so it was probably just a package, and in the middle of the conversation she was having, well more listening to, really, she didn’t feel right interrupting to answer it.  
  


Two hours earlier, Russell called her. He hadn’t called her since the rash of calls and texts three months ago when she told him to fuck off.When he called Emily a dyke.When he told Lindsey to choose and she chose, all right. Three months ago was when he hung up on her. When he unknowingly forced her into the arms of the woman she was in love with.She was thankful for that, for sure, but she didn’t forgive him. The fact that he had called her a bitch that night - something he had never called her before - barely registered with her anymore; it seemed so inconsequential now, compared to what he called Emily._Dyke_. That word resonates differently with Lindsey now, now that she knows the sting it carries for her girlfriend. It pissed her off then.Today, it brings her a white-hot rage that she’s only felt a few times in her life. 

Lindsey didn’t want to talk to him.What was the point?Of course he knew she was back in Denver.They still had too many mutual friends who could pass that information along to him. But come to think of it, he probably didn’t even know she had left Denver to spend Thanksgiving with the Sonnetts; neither one of them had posted any pictures from Georgia or told anyone about it.She was kind of surprised this phone call hadn’t happened around Thanksgiving, actually. 

Lindsey had answered the phone anyway, against her better judgement, and she couldn’t explain why.Maybe because she was curious.Maybe because she wanted another opportunity to hate him. Maybe because she needed to make sure he knew she hated him.

But whatever the reason, she had answered. And he had apologized before he even said anything else. And then he asked to see her.And once again, against her better judgement, Lindsey had said yes. It just kind of slipped out. Because hearing the words “I’m sorry,” when it’s sincere, can sometimes magically wipe away a whole hell of a lot of hurt. 

She called Emily as soon as she got off the phone with him. Emily didn’t answer, so she left a voicemail. This was too serious to explain in a text. And it was too serious to tell Emily after the fact.Lindsey didn’t want her to feel blindsided. She wanted Emily to have some say in it, some semblance of control. Because as confident as Emily could come off sometimes, she wasn’t. At all. The trip had shown Lindsey that that fake self-assurance, almost swagger, that Emily walked around with was just her armor. It was armor that she had spent years building up as a teenager in the Bible Belt. Underneath that though, she was a scared girl who still felt unworthy of good things, like love. The last thing Lindsey wanted was for Emily to feel insecure about this. Especially after the conversation they had had that night by the creek. They had talked everyday since then, since Lindsey flew home on a Sunday night, but they hadn’t seen each other in almost two weeks.  
  
Emily was going to come to Denver in a few days to stay with Lindsey and then to visit Lindsey’s family, but this couldn’t wait until she saw Emily in person. Lindsey wanted to be able to assure Emily that nothing in the world could ever make her choose Russell again. And if Emily didn’t want Lindsey to see him at all, Lindsey had plenty of time to call him back and cancel.She would have done it in a heartbeat if Emily had even hesitated when she told her.But two hours came and went and Emily didn’t call and then it was too late because Russell was knocking on her door.

It was Christmas, he said. A time for forgiveness, though Lindsey’s very unreligious self could have sworn that was more Easter than Christmas. He didn’t want any animosity between them. They had been together for so long, couldn’t they be friends still?He knew he had been wrong that night. He should have apologized then, or in one of the 100 texts he sent her or dozen voicemails he left her in the following days. But he didn’t, and he was sorry for that too. He wanted to look her in the eyes and apologize to her so she knew he meant it. And she let him. 

He told her he had been working on himself,seeing a therapist. That he knew his angry response was just to mask his hurt and his fears because he was a man and he wasn’t supposed to be vulnerable. But he wasn’t trying make an excuse for his behavior. Lindsey knew where this was going. If she let him talk for long enough, he we going to ask her for another chance. 

The knock at the door would have been a perfect interruption, Lindsey reasoned.She could have shut that talk down before it even got started by just moving from where she was leaning on the wall, arms crossed, watching him as he sat on the couch, head hung, wringing his hands. But Lindsey also knew that if she didn’t let him get everything off his chest, so she could put an end to it for real this time, albeit more gently, he was just going to keep thinking he had a chance with her. So she stood there through the knock and second knock and the third knock until Russell, frustrated, finally told her to go see who it was.

In retrospect, Lindsey should have known it wasn’t a package. Amazon doesn’t keep knocking until you answer. Sometimes they don’t knock at all.


	37. Surprise!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the best laid plans don’t work out too well. aka You should call first before coming over.

Emily was about to give up. Maybe this was a bad plan after all, changing her flight, arriving a few days early, surprising Lindsey.She didn’t think about the possibility that Lindsey wouldn’t be home in the middle of the afternoon. She could text her and casually ask Lindsey what she’s doing, but she really wanted this to be a complete surprise. Waiting seemed like a better idea.

But then she heard the click of the deadbolt being unlocked and she felt a surge of excitement flow through her. Lindsey _was_ home. The door swung open with the force of annoyance. Their eyes met. Lindsey’s jaw dropped. Emily’s face lit up.They spoke at the same time.

“Em.What are you doing here?” Lindsey glanced over her shoulder back into her apartment. It was not the reaction Emily expected.

“Hi, baby.Surprise!” Emily threw her arms out for a hug. 

It only took a few seconds for it to register with Emily that something was terribly wrong. Lindsey’s face was pained, worry lines so apparent, not an ounce of joy to be found. Emily blinked, as if her eyes were betraying her. She furrowed her brow. Lindsey was standing there in the threshold, blocking Emily’s view into the apartment. And then she heard it. His voice. 

“Lindsey, who is it?”

Lindsey didn’t speak. Emily didn’t speak.They stood there, staring at each other, unblinking, neither knowing what to say. And then, he appeared behind Lindsey. Emily saw him before he saw her. Emily’s eyes grew wide in shock, then they filled with betrayal. Lindsey didn’t have to turn around to know he was there in the doorway.

“Sonnett?” He sounded confused.

All that filled Emily’s mind in that moment was how dumb she had been to think that this thing with Lindsey was going to work. To think that she could actually trust Lindsey.To think that Lindsey would actually choose her over Russell. Lindsey was back in Denver and they were back together.Maybe it was because Emily had too much baggage. Maybe the trip to Georgia did it. Maybe it was because Lindsey still loved him. Maybe she had never stopped loving him. 

Emily spun around and walked back down the hallway as fast as she could, praying that when she got to the elevator bay and pressed the button, the elevator that she just got off of would still be there and she could hop right in.She was halfway there when she heard Lindsey’s bare feet pounding on the tiled floor.She quickened her pace, trying to get away. 

“Emily!Emily, wait.”There was a desperation in her voice.Emily ignored it. 

She couldn’t run though.Not really, not dragging her luggage behind her. Besides, she didn’t want to give Lindsey the satisfaction of _seeing_ her run.That was a mistake. Lindsey got close enough to Emily to reach out with her foot and knock over Emily’s suitcase. 

In retrospect, Emily would have to give Lindsey credit for that, for using her own prank against her.But right then, her face turned bright red with rage.

She felt a hand grab her upper arm, spinning her around. She should have anticipated that, should have braced herself better so she could have prevented it. It was too late now.They were face to face. Emily had hot tears in her eyes and there was no way to stop them from falling so Lindsey wouldn’t see. 

“It’s not what you think.”That desperation was still there in Lindsey’s voice and there were tears in her eyes, too.Emily didn’t see why, unless Lindsey just didn’t like being caught. 

_ That’s __what everyone says when they get caught,_ Emily reasoned. There was no point in talking, in responding to Lindsey, as far as she was concerned. 

“It’s not like that. Nothing happened,” Lindsey continued. “He just came to talk.That’s it.”

Emily actually let out a half laugh at that, and whether it was from the sound that came out of her lips, or Lindsey’s own awareness, she must have realized how stupid those words sounded, too.

“Emily.I promise,” Lindsey pleaded, reaching out and lightly touching Emily’s wrist.

Emily jerked back as if she had been burned by a hot poker.Her eyes reminded Lindsey of a wild animal that had been cornered and was trying to decide whether or not to fight. Then, just like that, the fire in her eyes disappeared, like she snapped out of it. Now they were just dark, hollow.She’d finally got her armor on.

Emily turned back around calmly, biting her lip, willing herself to feel pain anywhere else but where she was feeling it.She closed the final few steps to the elevator bay and jammed the elevator button over and over, willing the doors to open.Everythingwas making Emily feel powerless - Lindsey, her own body which was betraying her through tears, about to betray her even further, and then there was the fucking elevator door.She needed to get the hell out of this place.To run and run and never look back. Her eyes darted to the emergency exit sign at the end of the hall. Seventeen floors seemed like a much better option than waiting right now. 

It was almost as if Lindsey sensed Emily’s escape plan.Or maybe she just followed Emily’s eyes. Emily hoped it was the latter. She never wanted Lindsey to be able to read her mind ever again. Either way, Lindsey grabbed Emily and spun her around, pinning her up against the wall between the elevator bank in one fell swoop. Lindsey always had been stronger than Emily. She had never minded it before, not at practice when Lindsey would tackle her to win the ball back or tackle her in a heap of laughter and tickles, and not in bed, when Lindsey would easily flip her over, pin her down, and have her way with Emily.But right now, Emily hated it, hated how weak she was. 

The elevator doors opened and Emily fought against Lindsey’s control, squirming, pushing, trying to get leverage off of the wall. Lindsey had to grab her with both hands, pinning her arms above her head. It would have been hot, except it wasn’t. At all. And it didn’t stop Emily from fighting. Lindsey had to lean against her, using her own body weight to keep Emily from breaking free.The doors closed.

“Emily, listen to me,” Lindsey begged.

“Let me go.”Somehow Emily’s voice was steady through her tears. Lindsey didn’t budge, staring her girlfriend down. “Let me fucking go!”Emily’s voice was rising now, finally cracking, and Lindsey almost considered it for a second thinking it would bring some sort of reprieve to the woman she loved. But then she changed her mind.She wasn’t going to let Emily go until she heard Lindsey out, the same way Emily had forced Lindsey to listen to her declaration of love that night in her hotel room. 

“He just came to talk. To apologize. That’s it. I told you he was coming over.”

Emily couldn’t believe it. _Was Lindsey trying to gaslight her?Was this even reality?What the fuck was going on?_

Something must have flashed in Emily’s eyes because she felt Lindsey’s grip on her wrists loosen just enough.This was her chance to make a break for it. She ducked under Lindsey’s arm and jabbed the elevator button again. It didn’t open. She looked up. 22. It would be there soon, but not soon enough. Lindsey was watching the numbers as they counted down too.

Ding.

The elevator doors opened again. 

Emily hesitated for a split second. It was enough for Lindsey. “Your phone, Emily. 

Emily stepped into the elevator.The doors began to close. She was almost free.Almost. Lindsey jammed her arm in between the doors, prying them back open, standing there, preventing them from closing again with her shoulder.“Check your voicemail, baby.” Lindsey’s voice was so tender, or maybe it was just so defeated, that it brought Emily out of the fight or flight mode that she was in. 

Her phone. She suddenly became aware of the weight of it in her back pocket.Her phone. That she had to put on airplane mode hours earlier when she departed the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. She pulled it out and stared at it, then swiped down. The little airplane icon was orange. Her phone was still on airplane mode. A call - and a voicemail - wouldn’t have come through. 

Lindsey pulled Emily back out of the elevator. This time, she didn’t jerk her hand away or resist. She cupped Emily’s face in her hands. She was still crying.

“He wanted to talk?” Emily asked quietly, hoarsely.Lindsey nodded. “But why?Why did you say yes?Why did you let him come over?”She sounded so incredibly hurt still. 

“He wanted to apologize.I called you to tell you. And to ask you if you were ok with it, because if you weren’t, there was no way I was going to let him come over. He was anasshole and he probably doesn’t deserve the right to apologize for what he said, but I’m not a bad person. And two wrongs don’t make a right. I may hate him, but I felt like if that’s what he needed to do to be ok with everything, I could give him that.”

“You hate me?” came Russell's voice from behind them.Lindsey turned around, dropping her hands from Emily’s face.“You two are...I was right? Fuck, Lindsey, I don’t understand. We were together for so long. You said you loved me.But you’re... you’re... how?Were you cheating on me with her?”He wouldn’teven make eye contact with Emily, and Emily was thankful for that one small thing.

“I did love you. And I never cheated on you.But I do hate you for what you said.”Lindsey purposely chose not to address his half-asked question about her and Emily. 

“I came here to ask you for another chance. But you’re...”. He still seemed unable to actually say the words. 

Lindsey wanted so much to tell him that shehad moved on, that she was in love, that she had found someone he could never hold a candle to, but she couldn’t say any of it. His eyes may have gotten the visual confirmation, but she couldn’t give him the verbal confirmation, not when Emily was fighting so hard for them to stay as closeted as possible.All she said to him was, “You should go.”

Russell's face fell, but unlike last time, he didn’t argue, didn’t curse, didn’t attack either one of them verbally. Maybe he really had changed, but it didn’t matter to Lindsey because it wasn’t about him.He could be perfect and she still wouldn’t feel for him what she felt for Emily. That much had been confirmed to Lindsey over the past three months. 

It was in every volt of electricity she felt from Emily’s hand brushing hers, every drop she felt in their stomach when she saw Emily after they’d been apart. It was in the pounding of her heart when Emily started to undress her, in the feeling of pride bursting out of her heart every time she remembered that Emily was hers - that was _her_ girlfriend. It was in the freedom she felt and the ease she felt and the confidence she felt - all those things she had never felt before. Emily was the one and Lindsey knew it with every fiber of her being because she heard it whispered in her ears, her head, her heart, and her gut. 

Russell stepped past them and waited for the elevator. They waited, not knowing what else to do, until he had left.As soon as he had, Lindsey wrapped Emily in her arms.She felt her warm breath and wet face on her neck. She wanted to say all of those things to Emily, but it would have to wait. They just needed this moment to get their bearings again. 

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to surprise you.I’m sorry,” Emily shuddered against Lindsey’s chest. She wanted to apologize for overreacting, for not trusting this woman who had given her absolutely no reason _not_ to trust her, for being so quick to just walk away without even fighting for Lindsey. But that would have to wait too because it was just too much for her right now. 

“It’s ok, baby.I’m sorry too,” Lindsey whispered into Emily’s hair.And then a thought crossed Lindsey’s mind that absolutely terrified her - Russell was going to tell everyone about them.


	38. This Wasn’t A Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey’s parents deserve the parents of the year award.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday, happy update.

  
“Are you ready to help me come out to my parents?” Lindsey laughed nervously.

Emily did not laugh. It wasn’t funny. She was nervous - palms sweating, temperature rising.It wasn’t her coming out to _her_ family, but it was still nerve-wracking.“Um, I don’t think I can be any help at all,” Emily grumbled. 

“Come on, Sonny.It’s going to be fine. They’re my parents.They love me. And they love you.This isn’t a big deal.”It was a big deal to Emily though, and Lindsey’s words did little to ease her mind. 

From Lindsey’s perspective, telling her parents - today - was imperative.It had been three days since Russell had seen her with Emily, since he had realized Lindsey had chosen a woman over him. Three days of her being on edge, watching his social media, waiting for a call from their mutual friends. It had been three days of radio silence, but it didn’t reassure her of anything. Lindsey wanted to be sure she told her parents before they found out from someone else. 

Lindsey walked around the car, meeting Emily on the sidewalk, freshly cleared of snow. She took Emily’s smaller hand into hers as they headed up the walkway, but Emily squirmed free before they got to the door, shaking her head.Lindsey rolled her eyes. 

Emily followed Lindsey through the unlocked front door. Lindsey’s childhood home felt warm and homey, and a wave of comfort washed over her. It was far less formal than the Sonnetts’ museum-like home. Lindsey’s parents came out of the kitchen, taking turns hugging both women. They hugged Emily with the same enthusiasm and love that they hugged Lindsey.They immediately put Emily at ease. 

“I’m so glad your both here,” Linda commented, patting the sofa for them to sit down next to her.Mark sat in his recliner. 

“When’s Mike coming, mom?” Lindsey asked.

“He’ll be here in a little while. We can all go out to dinner.”

“Can we just stay in tonight and go out to dinner tomorrow?” Lindsey suggested.“I was hoping to get to talk to you all together, not in public.” 

“Sure, honey,” Mark chimed in. “I’ll cook.” 

“We can go out tomorrow,” Linda added.

Emily marveled at easy that was. Lindsey asked them to change plans and they didn’t bat an eye at it; they didn’t even ask her why. She asked to talk to them later and there was no panic, no demanding to know what it was about, no worry on their faces about what it was that couldn’t be discussed in public. It was the opposite of how that conversation would have gone with Emily’s mom. 

Emily easily fell into conversation with Lindsey’s parents.They loved talking soccer, but they also asked her about her family and what she had been up to in Atlanta. They were expressive like Lindsey, talking with their hands, laughing, joking. It was so much easier to talk to them than it was to talk to her own mother. Several times, Lindsey learned into her when they were laughing. She touched Emily’s knee. She was glowing with what could only be described as pride as she recounted some of Emily’s highlights from the season. The way Lindsey was smiling at her and looking into her eyes, Emily knew her parents must see it, but if they did, didn’t say anything, they didn’t show it. 

Mike arrived and Lindsey immediately started in with some good-natured ribbing in an attempt to get him out in the backyard to play soccer before it was too dark.The Horans has never taken down the goal that that had installed for Lindsey when she was a child, and apparently, it still got action when Lindsey visited their home in Golden.“You’re on!” Mike yelled, racing Lindsey upstairs to change. 

Linda rolled her eyes after them.“You going out there with them?” she asked Emily.Emily shook her head. 

“Well come outside while I grill then,” Mark invited.

The Colorado air was cold that December afternoon, and the backyard was covered in a thin layer snow, but it didn’t prevent Lindsey and Mike from going 1v1. The chill wasn’t going to stop Mark from grilling, either. Emily stood near him, leaning over the railing while he prepped the grill and threw on corn, peppers, and onions. She couldn’t help but smile as she watched Lindsey, how free she was, playing for fun, without the pressure of the national team. Or the Thorns. Emily loved hearing her laugh fill the air.

Mark must have noticed her staring, or maybe it was the smile that she couldn’t wipe off her face, but he came and stood next to Emily.“I’m glad she has you, kiddo,” he said quietly, leaning on the railing to match Emily.She looked at him and blinked, the smile fading from her face. “You two are good together.”

_Could he know? Emily wondered. He couldn’t know. He meant as teammates, _she assured herself. He put his arm around Emily’s shoulders in a half hug and gave her a quick squeeze before he went back to throw steaks on the grill.Emily stared at his back, jaw dropped, as he walked away. 

Lindsey’s mom came out with a bottle of wine and sat at the picnic table near the patio heater. “Come sit with me, Em,” she called from across the deck.“It’s warmer over here.”Emily did.Linda poured them each a glass of wine. “This has always been her happy place,” Linda nodded towards the makeshift soccer field. “She spent hours out here everyday, until it was pitch black, and when we’d tell her it was too dark and she needed to come inside, she’d argue with us that she didn’t need to be able to _see_ the goal to score, because she just knew where it was.”Emily chuckled. Sounded just like Lindsey. “She’s happier when you’re around, you know?” Linda continued. _What the hell?Was this some sort of conspiracy._ “I hope you’re happy, too,” she added. Emily nodded, feeling very dumb doing it. But she didn’t know what else to do and she didn’t trust her words in that moment. “We missed you at Thanksgiving.I’m glad we get to see you now, but you’re welcome here anytime, any holiday.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Horan,” Emily said.

“Linda,” she corrected. 

They watched the pick up game, silently sipping wine, until Mark called out that dinner was ready. Then, Emily got to see exactly what Linda meant when she had said earlier that trying to get Lindsey to stop playing was almost impossible. Mike stopped, thankful for the opportunity to catch his breath anyway, but Lindsey was content to keep dribbling and shooting on her own.“I’ll go get her,” Emily offered, and she got a ‘good luck with that’ look from Linda. 

Emily bounded down the deck stairs, her shoes crunching on the frozen snow as she crossed the yard.When she reached Lindsey, Lindsey raised her eyebrows at her?“You hear to lose, Sonnett?” she joked.

Emily laughed. “No, your dad said dinner’s ready.”

“Whatever, you just don’t want to lose,” Lindsey laughed, juking Emily, scoring, and cheering for herself. She snagged the ball out of the net and came back to where Emily stood in the middle of the yard.“Again?” she asked.

“Fine, one time,” Emily gave in, afraid that Linda was going to be annoyed with Lindsey’s little game continuing. 

“Until you strip me of the ball,” Lindsey shouted with a spin move as she scored again.

She brought the ball back a second time.“You’re going down, Horan,” Emily whispered, trying to sound serious.Lindsey started laughing and Emily took that moment to lunge for the ball, but Lindsey deftly pulled it back and touched it around her, scoring for a third time as Emily stood there, bewildered.

Lindsey jogged back with the all a third time. “Who’s going down, baby?” she asked sweetly, batting her eyelids.Emily blushed. Lindsey turned, foot on top of the ball, holding Emily off with her hip and shoulder.Emily pushed into her. “I’ll go down.Tonight. If you get the ball from me this time,” Lindsey lowered her voice, pantingfrom trying to breathe through the cold, thin air. 

She accelerated on a dime, trying to get around Emily. She did, but Emily was only a half step behind her and closing fast.Lindsey could have taken a shot on the open goal, but she held on to the ball for a second too long and Emily tugged her down from behind. They collapsed on each other. “You cheated,” Lindsey admonished her. “That’s a red card.”

“You didn’t say how I had to stop you,” Emily shrugged.She watched Lindsey’s eyes flicker to her lips and she thought for a moment that Lindsey might kiss her. She almost didn’t mind, what with how beautiful Lindsey looked right then - her cheeks flushed and the tip of her nose bright pink from the cold, her blonde hair fanned out against the snowy ground, the green in her eyes more noticeable now, as if the surrounding pine trees were pulling that color out of the gray.But instead, Emily pushed herself up and pulled Lindsey up with her so they could head in.

“Go change and wash up, girls,” Linda tried to sound exasperated, but she couldn’t.“I told you she never wants to stop,” she smiled at Emily as they walked past her.

“Where’s my room?” Emily asked as they headed up the stairs. 

Lindsey laughed at her, pulling Emily into her childhood bedroom, walls still covered with soccer posters, and her own personal shrine to Messi.“This is our room, baby,” she said, her voice sultry, as she wrapped Emily into her arms, kissing her sweetly. 

Emily shivered into her.“You’re cold!” she exclaimed.But Lindsey only brought her closer, burying her nose into Emily’s neck and not letting Emily escape until it was warm and Emily’s neck was cold and they were both laughing. Emily rubbed Lindsey’s back and arms briskly, warming her.

* * *

In that moment, things finally seemed back to normal between them after a rough couple of days where Lindsey had felt like she was walking on eggshells around Emily. After Russell had left, after they had apologized to each other and gone back to Lindsey’s condo, things had still felt off between them.Lindsey knew that Emily knew she had nothing to worry about, but it was like Emily couldn’t get the image of Russell in Lindsey’s condo out of her head.They stayed in, Emily saying she didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to see anything in Denver.She seemed depressed, and they had spent most of their time curled up in Lindsey’s bed, not having sex.Lindsey didn’t mind holding Emily, she would have held her forever, she just wanted Emily to be herself again, and she felt like it was all her fault that Emily was so withdrawn.

* * *

But now, Emily was smiling again, not just with her mouth but with her eyes, and she was laughing. Maybe those tough few days were behind them now. They went back downstairs and into the kitchen, and the first thought that went through Emily’s mind was that her own mother would have been repulsed by the food on the table, instead of in serving dishes on the counter. But Emily liked the informality of it all.And she liked that when they sat down, everyone started serving their plates - there was no blessing. 

After a few bites of food, Linda asked, “What did you want to talk to us about honey?”

Lindsey finished chewing her food and set down her fork. Under the table, she grabbed Emily’s hand, squeezing it tightly.It was sweating, undermining her supposed confidence in how this would play out. Emily rubbed Lindsey’s hand gently with the side of her thumb.

“I don’t really know how I’m supposed to say this,” Lindsey started slowly, “so I’m just going to say it. Emily and I are together.We’re a couple,” she said, looking down.

  
Crickets. No one reacted. Emily was looking at Lindsey.Lindsey looked up at the table, first at her mom, then her dad, and finally her brother.They all kept eating like she hasn’t just made the biggest revelation of her life. 

After a beat of her staring, her mom filled the silence.“That’s good, honey,” she reached out to squeeze Lindsey’s free hand across the table.

“Took long enough,” Mike muttered. 

“Was that not the right reaction?” Mark asked.Lindseys eyes narrowed as she stared between all of them.“Were we supposed to say ‘congratulations’?Sorry honey, congrats.”

“What? No? You’re not supposed to say congratulations.I don’t know what you’re supposed to say, but you’re supposed to be... I don’t know... surprised?”

“Oh, we’re not surprised. We already knew,”Mark shrugged. 

“We thought you were already together in France,” Linda said.

“Except for Russell was there. And then you kissed him. Which was weird,” Mike added.“So when did this happen then?” 

“A couple of months ago,” Lindsey replied.

“When you told us you broke up with Russell?” Linda confirmed and Lindsey nodded. 

“I never really liked him,” Mark chimed in.

“Dad!”Lindsey looked at him in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Eh, he didn’t really seem to do anything _wrong_....”

“You just never looked like you were in _love_ with him,”Linda finished his sentence. “Besides, you were never interested in boys in high school like other girls are.”

“I like Emily better anyway,” Mike added to a chorus of nods. 

“That’s because I was focused on soccer, Mom!” And then after a pause, as she took it all in, “So you all knew and none of you said anything?”Lindsey was shocked.

“Baby girl, it was not our place to say anything.We didn’t know if you even knew, if you had come to terms with it.It wasn’t our place to basically out you before you were ready,” Linda said kindly.“But when you said you were spending Thanksgiving in Georgia, and then Emily was coming here, I knew you would tell us.”

Emily had been sitting there in complete silence, watching the whole thing unfold in front of her.She finally spoke.“You’re not mad?” she choked out.

“About what, Emily?” Linda asked softly. 

“About this, about us, about Lindsey being... about me.”There were tears in her eyes. 

“Oh Lord no,” Linda laughed.“Because you’re a woman? Because we don’t want our daughter to be gay, or bi?Sorry, I don’t know what label you’re using, Lindsey,” she apologized.But then turning back to Emily, she added, “All we’ve ever wanted from the moment the doctors put her in our arms, was for her to be happy._Whatever_ that means.”Emily was crying silently, which was making Lindsey, whose eyes were now fixed on her, tear up too.Linda got up and crossed the dining room, hugging both of them.“I told you earlier, you make our daughter happy.That’s all that matters.”

Lindsey looked away from Emily, to her dad, to her brother, and to her mom who had gone back to sit down.She knew in her heart that this was going to be their reaction, well, not that they had known, just that they didn’t care, but in the moment, it was still overwhelming. “Thank you guys,” she mumbled. 

They finished dinner as if nothing had happened and nothing had changed. The kids cleaned the kitchen, Emily washing the dishes that Lindsey brought her and Mike putting away the leftovers. Lindsey took the opportunity to hug Emily from behind, resting her chin on Emily’s shoulder as she was leaned over the sink.It felt nice to both of them, not having to hide their affection. 

When they finished and went into the den, Mark had a roaring fire going and Linda had Elf cued up on the TV for family movie night. Lindsey pulled Emily down on the couch with her, acting as the big spoon as they squeezed in, laying on their sides. Emily rested her head on Lindsey’s arm; Lindsey buried her face into Emily’s hair, leaving just her eyes peering out above Emily’s scalp so she could see the movie. She threw her arm across Emily’s stomach and they intertwined their fingers, resting comfortably together. And no one cared, which was mind-blowing to Emily. She felt so loved by these people who weren’t even her parents. Emily snuggled back into Lindsey’s warmth, and smiled a contented smile to herself. 


	39. Tied Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s no point in having so many scarves if you don’t put them to use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some smut with no purpose. So if you need to skip it, skip it.

  
“I think I promised you something tonight,” Lindsey smirked, pressing Emily up against her bedroom door.Movie time was over and everyone had gone to bed, but Lindsey had... plans, plans that had been on her mind for weeks.Since she was in Georgia. Since she saw her girlfriend’s abnormally large scarf collection in the dresser drawer at her parents’ house. Plans that she didn’t get to put into action at the time because Emily was going through so much. Plans that she had gotten off to in the time they’ve been apart. 

Emily draped her arms around Lindsey’s neck, pulling her into another kiss.“We can’t,”Emily replied, her voice full of regret.“Someone’s going to hear us.Your parents like me.I don’t want to disrespect them in their own house.”She was genuinely serious about that last statement. 

“They’re not going to hear anything,” Lindsey assured her, stepping closer into Emily and squeezing her hips.“You’re going to be good,” she whispered, ducking her head so she could whisper those five words directly into Emily’s ear.Emily shuddered beneath her. “Come here.”Lindsey pulled Emily farther into her room and over to the bag that was sitting on her desk. She unzipped it, revealing two of Emily’s scarves that she had borrowed.

“Why do you have my scarves?” Emily half laughed, half sounded utterly confused. Lindsey was behind her now, her arms wrapped around her Emily’s waist and her chin resting on Emily’s shoulder. 

“You had so many,” Lindsey explained. “You can’t possibly need them all.You’re not home having to dress like that that often.”Lindsey’s hands began making their way up under Emily’s sweatshirt, tickling her ribs. “You look gorgeous in a scarf, but I thought we’d find a better use for a couple of them.”Her voice had dropped an octave, and was hoarse, and Emily couldn’t resist Lindsey when she sounded like that.

Emily reached back to run her fingers through Lindsey’s hair, and swallowed hard.“What did you have in mind?” she squeaked.

“How ‘bout I show you?” 

Emily nodded against Lindsey’s cheek. 

“Good.”Lindsey took a seat on her bed. “Take off your sweatshirt,” Lindsey instructed. Emily did.Underneath, she was only wearing a bra. “Mmmm,” Lindsey murmured. “Now your jeans.Slowly.”Emily unbuttoned them, then shimmied out of them unhurriedly while Lindsey leaned back and watched.“You’re so fucking hot,” Lindsey whispered, appreciating Emily’s cut shoulders, her flat abs, the dips of her hips.“Come here.”Emily crawled onto the bed, kneeling between Lindsey’s legs.“Take that off,” Lindsey nodded towards Emily’s sports bra.Emily lifted it over her head and tossed it onto the floor. 

Lindsey liked Emily like this, above her, looking down.There was something different about her face tonight.It was timid, innocent maybe, vulnerable, like she was hesitant and out of her comfort zone but still trusting of Lindsey, still wanting her.Emily bit her lip in anticipation, topless, silently begging Lindsey to touch her.But Lindsey was still leaning back on her hands, not done taking in Emily’s almost naked body. “Kiss me,” Lindsey’s voice was raspy again. And Emily did, cupping Lindsey’s face in her hands, pulling Lindsey towards her so she could deepen the kiss. She shot her tongue into Lindsey’s mouth, running it along the roof, because it always made Lindsey moan. This time was no exception. Emily dominated Lindsey with her tongue, with the leverage of her positioning, with her hips, but Lindsey wouldn’t bite, her hands still firmly planted into her mattress, letting Emily _do_ what she wanted but not _giving_ her what she wanted. 

Finally, Lindsey leaned back, breaking the kiss.“Lie down,” she commanded, shifting Emily off of her. Emily’s abs were trembling as Lindsey climbed over her, stroking her sides gently.Emily’s hands shot up to Lindsey’s face, trying to pull her into a kiss, but Lindsey resisted. “Uh-uh,” she shook her head.

“You’re gonna fuck me in front of Messi?” Emily joked, her eyes shooting to the wall beside Lindsey’s bed.

“Shut up,” was all Lindsey could manage as a retort. She took one of Emily’s wrists in her hand, and reached back to grab a scarf that she had left on the bed. Lifting Emily’s arm over her head, she tied Emily’s wrist to her headboard.Emily’s eyes widened and her breath quickened, Lindsey could see it in the rapid rising and falling of her chest. Lindsey repeated the process with Emily’s opposite wrist. “What- what are we doing?” Emily stammered.

“Shhhh,” Lindsey pressed a kiss into Emily’s lips. She moved down and slid Emily’s boxers off, then sat back on her heels, looking at Emily.“You’re going to have to tell me what you want. Since you can’t show me anymore,” Lindsey nodded towards Emily’s restraints.

“Take your clothes off,” Emily said, her confidence growing at the thought of telling Lindsey what to do.Lindsey slid off the bed and undressed one piece of clothing at a time.“Come here,” Emily asked, and Lindsey climbed on top of Emily, but didn’t let her naked body touch Emily’s.Emily bucked her hips up towards Lindsey, but it was useless. 

“Words,” Lindsey reminded her. 

Words were hard for Emily right now.“Tongue,” she managed to croak out.

“Here?” Lindsey questioned, playing with her, licking her ear. 

Emily shuddered, a hushed noise escaping her lips, but she shook her head.

“Here?” Lindsey continued, running her tongue along the tendon down Emily’s neck.She squirmed but shook her head again.“Maybe here,” Lindsey ran her tongue over Emily’s nipple, flicking it, then taking it in her mouth and sucking hard. 

Emily let out a low moan.“Please, Linds,” she begged, bucking her hips again in search of some relief. 

For a moment, Lindsey thought about giving it to her, as she ran her tongue between Emily’s breasts and down her stomach, but she stopped short. “I don’t think you can be good,” Lindsey chided, whispering so close to Emily’s center that she could feel Lindsey’s breath.She wanted to pull Lindsey into her, but she couldn’t, unless...

She wrapped her legs around Lindsey’s shoulders, pulling Lindsey closer and keeping her there.“I can be good,” she promised breathlessly. 

Emily’s creativity and insistence took Lindsey aback. Tentatively, she ran her tongue through Emily’s center, surprised by how wet she was after not being touched at all except by Lindsey’s tongue in a few choice spots.She felt Emily melt against her, and as her wide, flat tongue tasted Emily through another pass, she felt Emily’s grip around her loosen.

Emily’s legs were up in the air, hips pushed back, thighs wide, knees bent, giving Lindsey a much better angle to work with.Now she could see Emily’s face as her tongue flicked against her clit, and she liked what she was seeing.Emily’s eyes were squeezed tight and her lips were parted, her head thrown back exposing her neck, her nipples hard and pointy.And true to her word, she was being very good - very quiet.

As Emily got closer and closer to the edge, her lips closed and she began breathing hard through her nose, trying to not let any sound escape. She bit her lip hard to stay quiet, and her abs flexed. Lindsey could feel them ripple under her hands, and Lindsey held her down as she came.Her legs fell to then bed and her breathing was ragged.Lindsey slowly lapped up Emily’s cum as Emily’s body continued uncontrollably twitching every few seconds. 

“You were so good, baby,” Lindsey murmured against Emily’s clit, sending a tingling sensation through Emily’s body all over again. “So, so good.” 

“I can be good again,” Emily promised. It made Lindsey wet hearing that.

Lindsey repeated the process again, slower and softer this time, and she allowed Emily to have some control, letting her use her heels for leverage to thrust herself into Lindsey’s mouth when the time was right. And once again, she silently left cum dripping down Lindsey’s chin.Lindsey wiped it on the sheets, then moved up Emily body to kiss her. 

Emily wrapped her legs around Lindsey again, pulling her closer before dropping her legs. She was too drained to hold them up any longer.Emily was still feeling her pulse between her legs and she needed something against her.Lindsey let Emily pull her down, slotting her thigh between Emily’s legs.She pulled roughly at Emily’s lower lip, already swollen from when Emily bit it in an attempt to keep quiet. She moved on to Emily’s neck, giving her a bit of a reprieve.“Fingers,” Emily whispered, turning her head into Lindsey’s hair.“I want you inside of me,” she croaked, her mouth dry. 

Lindsey walked her fingers down Emily’s abs, slowly drawing out the tension, feeling Emily squirm beneath her.It was almost too much for Lindsey. She felt like she was dripping now, but she wasn’t going to let Emily know that. Tonight was about Emily, about making her feel good and wanted and sexy again, about getting Emily to trust her enough to give up control, and about finding that connection and intimacy they had all but lost in the messiness that was life over the past few weeks.And, for Lindsey, it was partially about making sure that Emily hadn’t internalized anything, being back home, being scarred like that, because that was Lindsey’s fear. It was definitely about more than sex. 

Lindsey slid her fingers inside Emily as Emily tilted her hips upwards, slowly bringing them in and out in time with the movement of Emily’s hips, twisting. She moved deeper, using her thigh to create more friction as she pressed her palm into Emily’s clit.She knew Emily was close and she leaned down to kiss her, capturing the sounds as they escaped from Emily’s lips so no one could hear them. She felt Emily go limp under her.She kissed the top of Emily’s head sweetly and reached up to untied the scarves. 

Emily’s hands immediately found Lindsey’s back, and Lindsey collapsed on top of her girlfriend, unable to hold herself up anymore. Just as quickly though, she started to roll off of Emily, afraid she was crushing the smaller woman under her weight. But Emily held her there, finally able to do something, to have some control in the situation. “Don’t,” she murmured.“I want to go to sleep like this.”

“I’ll crush you,” Lindsey protested. “We can’t. You won’t be able to breathe.”

“No, I like the pressure. It makes me feel safe,” Emily argued. And then for show, she took a few deep breathes, in through her nose, expelling then through her mouth. “I mean it, don’t move. Please.” She sounded so desperate and the grip she had on Lindsey’s back was too tight anyway, Lindsey wasn’t going anywhere.


	40. Snow Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily could get used to this feeling of being out and comfortable with herself.

Hours later, Emily woke up, staring into the darkness. Lindsey was holding her now, her muscular arm thrown over Emily’s shoulder, protecting her.She could feel Lindsey’s warmth, her soft skin pressed against her back. And there was Lindsey’s heartbeat, steady like a metronome. In the stillness of the moment, Emily’s mind rushed back to months prior, when Tobin had said something that she had filed away in the back of her mind, something she hadn’t been ready to deal with at the time: it was hard for a person like Lindsey to not live openly. All she knew was love, acceptance, and support. 

Tonight, Emily had been able to let Lindsey live freely because both of them had been surrounded by that love, acceptance, and support. It felt right. It felt perfect, actually. The way Lindsey snuggled into her on the couch while they all watched a movie - that was how Lindsey wanted to be able to live her life - without shame, without fear of judgement. And Emily knew she deserved that - they both deserved that. Lindsey didn’t deserve to be sneaking around in bathrooms or hotel rooms behind their teammates backs. And she certainly didn’t deserve the Thanksgiving she got, physical distance between them whenever possible lest Emily’s family notice they were more than just friends. 

Emily squirmed in Lindsey’s arms. “Baby,” she whispered into the darkness. The only sound she got in response was Lindsey’s slow, steady breathing. She stroked Lindsey’s arm, tracing the definition of her muscles with her middle finger.“Baby, I need to tell you something.Wake up.”

“Hmmm,” Lindsey murmured. 

“I’m gonna come out to my parents,” Emily’s said, a newfound confidence brimming in her voice.

“Ok, Em, whatever you want.” Lindsey’s voice was muffled by Emily’s hair as she pulled Emily closer to her. 

* * *

_A couple of days later..._

“Sweetie, I’m really sorry we’re leaving you two alone tonight. It’s just that we can’t miss Dad’s work Christmas party,” Linda apologized. 

Lindsey and Emily were sitting on the couch, watching the very lopsided UVA-Clemson game. 

“We left you money so you can order pizza,” Mark chimed in.

“Daaaaddd,” Lindsey protested. They were both professional soccer players; they could afford their own pizza.

“Oh let him,” Linda waved her off. “You’re still our baby girl.”She leaned down and kissed Lindsey on the forehead. Then she leaned down and kissed Emily on the top of the head.“Bye, girls.”

Warmth rushed through Emily.She knew Lindsey’s mom.It wasn’t like this was the first time she had met her.But she didn’t know her that well, yet Linda treated Emily like she was one of her own kids, like she was part of the family. 

As soon as the door closed, Lindsey turned towards Emily.“Hot tub?” she suggested hopefully. Emily glanced at Lindsey, before her eyes darted back to the TV.“Oh come on, this game is pointless.Clemson’s kicking UVA’s ass,” Lindsey sounded only a little bit annoyed.

And she wasn’t wrong - it was 45-14 in the third. “Um, I didn’t pack a swimsuit. To come to _Colorado_. In _December,” _Emily shot back.

“I guess you’ll just have to skinny dip,” Lindsey shrugged, turning back to the TV so Emily wouldn’t see her smirk. 

“I’m not gonna be naked at your parents’ house.”

Lindsey didn’t even look at her.“Well,” she tipped her head to the side.“I seem to remember you being very naked a couple of nights ago.”

Emily blushed. “Let me rephrase.I’m not going to be naked in _common areas_ of your parents’ house.”

“Fine.”Lindsey stood and pulled Emily up with her. “Shorts and a bra then.”

A few minutes later when they made their way outside, Emily regretted the decision. At least temporarily. “It’s 31 degrees out here!This is insane. Only insane people come outside half naked in this weather!”

“Hush, the water is 100 degrees. You’ll be fine,” Lindsey replied, as she connected  her phone to a Bluetooth speaker. “Do you have a Christmas playlist?”

Emily shook her head.“But I like the Sugarland Christmas one.” 

“Country. Of course you’re do,” Lindsey rolled her eyes as she kissed Emily. She hated to admit that she was starting to think country wasn’t all that bad. Lindsey  slipped out of her robe and into the hot tub, tapping open her Spotify app. 

Emily didn’t have a choice but to follow suit.She sat opposite of Lindsey, sinking down all the way to her chin. She closed her eyes as Lindsey started rubbing her foot up and down her calf.

Lindsey watched Emily, how relaxed and content she was, just a bit of a smile on her face. “What are you thinking about?” she asked softly, after a few minutes.

Emily was thinking about a lot. She was thinking about how wonderfully the weekend had started off, and how it only got better. It kept snowing. They woke up their first morning to a blanket of fresh snowfall on the ground. Emily had insisted on building a snowman and then going sledding, so Lindsey took her to a hill near her old high school, one she played on all the time as a kid. They flew down the hill over and over until they thought their numb fingers might never regain feeling. But Emily had started a snowball fight before they left. For good measure. And because it rarely snowed that much in Atlanta. And because she was basically still a child.

She was thinking about their second night there.After going out to dinner with Linda and Mike, they all went on a sleigh ride - an actual sleigh ride - through the snow, pulled by horses. It was so cute, so romantic. Lindsey alternated between holding her hand and tucking it in Emily’s arm to keep warm the whole time, snuggling to her, pressing her cold nose into Emily’s neck, leaning in to press her lips into Emily’s rosy cheek every once in a while, with soft, chaste kisses.Lindsey’s parents sat on the bench behind them, never saying a word about it. And Lindsey never gave a second thought to it. 

She was thinking about how she had woken up early that morning and finally crawled out of bed when she couldn’t go back to sleep. She had crept downstairs to make coffee, but Mark was awake and he had made it already. If he hadn’t seen her, she would have gone back upstairs, but he spotted her and called her into the kitchen. She had taken a seat beside him at the table, her heart rising in her throat; it felt like she was about to get the “boyfriend” talk. And she did. “I know I’ve only known you two were together for a couple of days, but I’ve seen how you’ve looked at her for years,” Mark had said, as she had tried hard to maintain eye contact with him instead of staring into her coffee mug like she wanted to. She was blushing. She knew she was blushing. _How could she have been that obvious for all of these years?_ “I know you care about her. But I want you to know that she feels things. Deeply. And she doesn’t always show it. Especially when she’s hurt.”He shook his head, and then let it hang, sadly, as he continued. “I feel like PSG did that to her, taught her to hide her pain.Sometimes I wish we hadn’t let her go. I know she believes it molded her into the player she is now, but it changed her, too.”Emily nodded.“Just know that she hides her pain well.And I don’t think I even need to say this, but don’t hurt her.”Emily had promised him she wouldn’t. 

She was thinking about how she was seriously regretting not staying longer, and not taking Lindsey up on her offer to spend Christmas with her family. She was wondering what Christmas with the Horans was like - probably Christmas carols and hot chocolate and cookie decorating. 

She was thinking about how much warmer and relaxed Lindsey’s family was than hers. And she was thinking about what she had whispered in the to Lindsey the other night. Emily still wasn’t sure if Lindsey even remembered the brief conversation.   


“Come back to Georgia. After Christmas. Spend New Year’s Eve with me,” Emily begged.She watched as pain flashed across Lindsey’s face.

“I can’t. If I’m anywhere near you when that countdown happens, I’m not going to be able to stop myself. I’m gonna kiss you.And I know that can’t happen. Not there. Spend it here.”

“I’ll tell my friends about us. You can kiss me. Hell, I’ll kiss _you_.”Emily’s voice and eyes were both pleading. She needed Lindsey to come back to Atlanta.

“Stop, Em,” Lindsey said, pulling her across the hot tub and into her lap.She caressed Emily’s cheek with her thumb. “Baby, I don’t want you to come out to anyone until you’re ready.”

“But it’s not fair to you,” Emily said, dropping eye contact. “I’m not ashamed that we’re together. I’m making you feel like I am, but I’m not._I’m not_. I’m proud you’re my girlfriend. I love you.People need to know that I love you.”Her words were rushing out. 

“I don’t care about any of that. I don’t need anyone else to know. My family knows, our friends know. That’s more than enough.I know you love me.”

“I want you to come back to Georgia before we have to go to camp.I’m going to tell my parents about us, and I need you there.”The conviction in Emily’s voice was new, and it was undeniable.”

“Emily-“

“I need to do this, Linds.They’re my parents.They’re supposed to love me.”

“But I can’t have you doing this for me,” Lindsey argued.Her biggest fear was that if Emily was wrong about this, if her parents were not accepting, it would hurt their relationship.Destroy it even. Worst case scenario, Emily would be forced to choose between her family and Lindsey, and she would choose her family; best case scenario, she would choose Lindsey over her own family, but best case scenario would still suck.Lindsey didn’t want Emily to have to make that choice. But, she was already convinced that that was exactly what Emily’s mom was going to try to force her to to.

“I’m doing it for me.I _need_ to do it for me,” Emily said quietly. 

Emily sounded so sure, and she was looking Lindsey in the eyes, but Lindsey didn’t think that she was _actually_ sure, no matter what her demeanor said. “I think this is a really bad idea.”Emily’s face fell.“But if it’s what you want, if you’re sure, of course I’ll be there for you.”Of course Lindsey was going to be there.How could she not?Emily was going to need someone to pick her back up from the floor when Jane started spouting her ‘Jesus isn’t going to love you’ bullshit.   
  


“Yes!” Emily shouted. Pulling away from Lindsey, she climbed out of the hot tub.

“Where are you going, crazy?” Lindsey laughed, calling after her. Emily didn’t answer. Instead, she slid into the snow, yelling “Polar bear plunge!” made a snow angel in her soaking wet shorts and sports bra, and then ran back and jumped into the hot tub, teeth chattering. Lindsey was still laughing. “That’s not even a polar bear plunge.”

“Close enough,” Emily shrugged, her eyes sparkling as she smiled. She loved making Lindsey laugh. She loved the sound. And she loved Lindsey’s dimple.

Lindsey pulled Emily back into her lap again, staring into those sparkly eyes. “You’re insane. But I love you, my little snow angel.”


	41. Someday I’ll Need Your Spine To Hide Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane Sonnett WILL NOT have a gay daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Dermot Kennedy for the title.

  
“We don’t have to go, you know. We can just stay here. Order sushi.Open a bottle of wine.Spend some time in your bed.Naked.That sounds better to me than going to this fancy thing.”Lindsey was standing in Emily’s bathroom, putting her large hoop earrings on.She adjusted the necklace she was wearing, she couldn’t quite get the clasp on her diamond-encrusted bracelet. It was new, Emily’s Christmas gift to her. It was too much, but it was beautiful. 

Emily had struggled trying to figure out what to get her. Other than some Secret Santa stuff they had done as a team in the past, they’d never exchanged gifts. But this time it was different. She had wanted to get Lindsey something meaningful.It was their first Christmas, even if it wasn’t together together. Lindsey didn’t need any more necklaces and Emily didn’t want to get her a ring - yet - that seemed too soon logically even if I didn’t feel too soon.So she had opted for a triple row gradient bracelet to represent their past, present, and future.And because Lindsey didn’twear much on her wrists besides a watch on one and a hair tie on the other. 

Emily stepped up behind Lindsey and reached out to help her with the clasp.“Not so good with your left hand, huh?” she winked. Lindsey rolled her eyes. Tonight, the bracelet would supplant the hair tie. “You’re beautiful, always.But especially in that.Maybe it’s the red. Maybe it’s your arms.I dunno. But I have to show you off.”Their eyes met in the mirror and Emily kissed Lindsey’s bare shoulder tenderly, still holding her right wrist.

Lindsey was wearing the same red jumpsuit that she had worn to the ESPYs, mainly because that night, Emily had told her that she looked absolutely breathtaking, and it had stuck with her.She had a white stole to throw on in the chilly Georgia night, but right now, her shoulders and arms were exposed.Emily couldn’t stop staring at them, and Lindsey couldn’t stop staring at Emily’s reflection. 

“I want to go to the party.We can come home and get naked later,” Emily assured her as she lightly stroked Lindsey’s arm. 

* * *

The party was at the home of one of Emily’s friends - someone whom she had gone to both high school and college with.Mary had a degree in global commerce from UVA, but last year, she had married an up-and-coming attorney, the son of a Marietta politician, and now, she was a lunching lady.Their multi-million dollar Antebellum home featured fountains in the lawn, beautiful columns out front, a double deck, and a huge attic that had a stage and a dance floor, refinished to it’s pre-war glory.It was the kind of place nightmares were made of, Lindsey figured, but taking it all in, she realized that this was exactly the life that Jane had envisioned for her daughter.She would have been prouder to tell all of her friends that Emily was a housewife than she was having to tell her friends that Emily was a world champion professional soccer player. It made Lindsey instantly sad. 

They got out of Emily’s car and Emily handed her keys to the valet. Lindsey suddenly had an overwhelmingdesire to leave, to turn back around and take Emily away from this ridiculous world, but it was where many of Emily’s high school acquaintances, some of her sorority sisters from UVA who lived in the Atlanta area, and friends of friends were ringing in 2020.Emma was supposed to be there too, and Emily kept insisting that she really wanted to be there, so they were staying.

Emily took Lindsey’s hand as they approached the expansive front stairs.Emily’s hand was cold and clammy, and she squeezed Lindsey’s hand too tightly, signs of her nervousness in spite of all of her bravado. “We don’t have to hold hands, silly,” Lindsey whispered, trying to get her to relax. “You told her you’re gay, you don’t have to prove it.”But to Emily, it wasn’t just about showing people they were together; she needed Lindsey, needed the support and strength she could provide through something as simple as holding her hand.

They walked through the large entry doors, and Emily pulled Lindsey through the crowd, seeking out the hostess, but she kept getting stopped by both people she knew, and people she didn’t, but who recognized her.She ended up dropping Lindsey’s hand out of necessity, because she was having to hug people and because people recognized Lindsey too and wanted to shake her hand. 

She finally found Mary entertaining in the formal living room.Mary squealed and hugged Emily.“Hey Mary, this is my girlfriend, Lindsey,” Emily said, placing her hand on the small of Lindsey’s back. Mary wrapped Lindsey in the same warm hug, despite just having met her. 

“It’s so nice to meet you,” she gushed. “I’m glad you were able to make it.Emily hasn’t told me anything about you,” she narrowed her eyes over Lindsey’s shoulder at Emily, “but I can’t wait to get to know you.Em’s one of my best and oldest friends and I’m just so happy for her!We’ll talk later!” she promised, waking off to greet other guests. 

“That went well.”Lindsey sounded surprised.“Can I go get us drinks?”Emily nodded and Lindsey disappeared momentarily. 

* * *

A couple of drinks in and Emily had all but forgotten she had ever been worried about anyone’s reaction. Old friends of hers kept coming up to talk to her and it was clear that she was there with Lindsey, but no one seemed to give their relationship a second thought. These people from this conservative state loved her for her, not for who she loved. But then again, it was pretty easy for her friends to love Lindsey too, with her big smile and big personality, with her warmth and her openness.And Lindsey loosened up too when she realized that Emily’s friends weren’tjudging them.She became more affectionate and Emily reciprocated, leaning into her, touching her arm as they talked to people. 

Emma finally found them out on the upper deck, Lindsey standing with her hands on the railing, Emily’s smaller frame tucked into the gap between her girlfriend and the balcony.Lindsey was whispering to Emily about how beautiful she looked in the short, low cut black dress she was wearing with a faux fur coat and heeled boots when Emma interrupted them. They had been so focused on one another that they hadn’t even noticed her approaching. 

“God you two are so in love it’s absolutely disgusting!” Emma tried her best to act repulsed. “Like, you only have eyes for each other.You’re at a party.There are other people here.”

“Look at her,” Emily admired Lindsey.“How could I have eyes for anyone else?She’s the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.” Lindsey blushed.

“Yeah, I guess you clean up well, Linds,” Emma agreed.“And you’ve done ok too,” she nodded in approval towards Emily.

“Have you told her what your plan is for tomorrow?” Lindsey asked, causing the mood to instantly change.Emily shook her head.

“What plan?” Emma asked, sending her boyfriend away to get them drinks. 

“Tell her,” Lindsey looked sternly at Emily.

“All right. Geez, I was going to anyway.Since I want her to be there.”Lindsey moved aside so Emily could stand next to Emma. “I’m going to come out to Mom and Dad tomorrow. I’m gonna tell them about us.”

“I thought you said-“

“I know,” Emily interrupted her.“But what... what if I was wrong?Maybe they won’t care. Besides, they need to know.” 

Emma’s face was somber.She didn’t say anything. What was there to say?If she told Emily to go for it and things went wrong - it would be her fault for encouraging Emily to come out. She told Emily to stay in the closet - well what kind of sister would do that?She glanced at Lindsey, trying to figure out what she could say in the moment. Lindsey’s eyes were pleading with her to stop tomorrow’s announcement. But it wasn’t Emma’s place. Just like it wasn’t Lindsey’s place to make that decision either.“Sure. I’ll be there. How ‘bout lunch time so we can sleep in.”Emily nodded in agreement.Emma disappeared with her boyfriend to go dance upstairs. 

Lindsey led Emily downstairs and outside into the backyard. She kicked off her heels and Emily reluctantly followed suit.Lindsey took her by the hand and they traipsed across the property, feet crunching on the cold, dry leaves beneath them. Lindsey finally stopped beneath a huge pine tree. They could still hear the music and laughter from inside the house. 

“What are we doing out here?” Emily asked, confused, shivering.

“It’s almost midnight.Finally.”Lindsey wrapped Emily into her arms. They held each other like that, Lindsey breathing in the scent of Emily’s hair, in silence, until they could hear the faint sounds of the people inside counting down to midnight. 

Emily pulled back from Lindsey’s chest, reaching up to stroke her cheek. As the “Happy New Year” carried from the house out the open windows, she pulled Lindsey towards her and kissed her - first softly, and then deepening the kiss as Lindsey’s hands made their way down Emily’s back stopping at her tailbone.They kissed until warmth had surged through their entire bodies and they were breathless. “Happy New Year, baby,” Emily whispered into the stillness.“Thank you for spending it with me.” 

“Thanks for making me,” Lindsey smiled.“Tonight was wonderful.You’ve got yourself a New Year’s kiss for the rest of our lives,” she promised, causing Emily to hug her even tighter.“Now, can we go home, because I packed... things...” Lindsey let one of her hands trail down to Emily’s hip, giving it a playful squeeze.

“You don’t have to ask me twice!” Emily grinned, pulling Lindsey back across the lawn.

* * *

“You ready?” Emily asked, parked outside of her parents’ house. 

Lindsey starred at her._Leave it to Emily to try to joke about this._

But it was her way of diffusing stress. Well, one of her ways. Ever since she made the decision to tell her parents, she had also been repeating a quote over and over. _“Being loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage_.”She had read that quote years ago in her philosophy class in college and it had stuck with her. It was coming in handy now. 

“Emily...”

“Please don’t tell me again that I don’t have to do this. I know I don’t have to do this.”

“Fine. I just want you to know that no matter what, no matter how it goes, I love you.You are good and you are kind and you are _worthy_ of love.” 

“I know, baby.You tell me all the time.”Emily was starting to think that Lindsey was more worried about this than she was. 

“But don’t forget,” Lindsey pleaded. 

“Come on, let’s do the damn thing,” Emily said, opening her car door.But no matter how big the smile on her face was, she couldn’t hide the truth in her eyes. Not from Lindsey. 

And then at the door, Emily hesitated. Lindsey picked up on it. “I can wait in the car, if that’s better for you. If you want to talk to them alone.”

Emily shook her head.“I need your spine to hide behind.”

* * *

Emily’s parents were at the kitchen table with Emma.Jane’s first words to Emily were “You’re late.”And that was quickly followed by “I thought you had something important to talk to us about. Why is Lindsey here?”

Lindsey almost offered to leave when she felt Jane eyes burning into her. Almost. But then she remembered she was there for Emily, so fuck Jane.She kept her mouth shut. 

Emily sat down at the table; Lindsey stood in the kitchen not knowing what else to do, until Emily motioned her over as she began talking.“Mama.Daddy.What I wanted to tell you, well you already might could know. But... I’m gay.”She took Lindsey’s hand. “Lindsey’s here because I asked her to be.Because we’re together. Because I love her.”

The room went completely silent. Bill froze mid-bite. At first, Jane’s expression didn’t change. She set her fork down politely and dabbed her mouth with her napkin. “Emily Ann Sonnett, you are _not_ gay.”Her voice was eerily calm.“We did not raise you to be gay.And you will not disgrace this family with that talk.”

“You can’t raise somebody to be like this.I was born this way,” Emily said meekly. How quickly this had turned into an argument.

“This is sickening,” Jane continued. “I cannot believe you would bring that into this household. That you would bring _her_ into this household.”Emily instinctively dropped Lindsey’s hand at that statement; Lindsey let her. 

“But Mama...”

“_Do not_ ‘but Mama’ me. This is a sin. You are an abomination.The Bible says-“

Lindsey stepped in, somehow finding the courage to interrupt the matriarch of the family. “No. It doesn’t.”She didn’t care what Mrs. Sonnett was about to say. It didn’t matter because what ever it was, it was wrong. Lindsey might not be religious, but she knew enough to know that the Bible doesn’t say a damn thing about being gay is a sin. 

Jane looked at Lindsey like she wanted  to slap her.Or murder her. Lindsey couldn’t really tell and didn’t really care. “You will take Lindsey to either a hotel or the airport right now and you will come straight back home, young lady.Then we will make an appointment with Reverend Harwell to fix this.You’re sick.You have a mental disorder.This is unnatural. He will help you find God again.”

“Mom,” Emma reached out and touched her mother’s arm, but it didn’t really do any good, it didn’t calm her down.

“I don’t need help finding God, Mama.I know Him. He loves me.”Tears were streaming down Emily’s face. 

“Get Lindsey out of my house.”The tone of Jane’s voice left no room for discussion.“If you’re not going to do what I ask and repent for your sins, then you will never set foot in this home again. You will be dead to us.” She turned to Bill. “It’s the soccer. She’s around those dykes all the time. Now she thinks she’s one of them.” Lindsey cringed.

“Daddy, say _something_,” Emily begged

“Dad, don’t let her do this,” Emma jumped in. 

But their pleadings fell on deaf ears. Bill’s eyes were filled with tears, but he didn’t say a word. He couldn’t. He couldn’t go against his wife, no matter how much he loved his daughter. 

Emily looked between her parents, and then at Lindsey, whose eyes were cast down, but Emily could tell she was crying too. 

Finally Bill spoke. “Emily, just do as your mother says and we will talk about this when we’ve all had a chance to calm down.”

_Calm down,_ Lindsey thought._When you all calm down?What is there to talk about? she wanted to ask. You’ve just disowned your own daughter._But she kept quiet. And she didn’t know if that was the right decision. 

Emily slowly stood and walked towards the front door, head hanging. Lindsey followed her. Inside the car, Lindsey spoke first, or at least tried to.“Em,” she said softly.But Emily didn’t turn towards her, didn’t show any sort of response at all.Lindsey reached out and touched her forearm and Emily jerked away as if she had been branded with a hot iron.She put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb, barely able to drive through her tears.


	42. Limb from Limb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Just get out of the car, Lindsey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is rough.  
Maybe it needs a tw?  
Maybe it needed a tw a long time ago?
> 
> As in “Worth It” (s/o to my Naeher fic), the names of KO’s ex-gf and current gf have been changed to protect the innocent. I used the same names though because I’m going to write about the Olympics in both of these at the same time. So like they don’t really go together, but they’re parallel. Like a little crossover, though you could totally read one without the other.
> 
> Apologies for 50,000 words of dialogue.

  
Emily didn’t speak the entire way back to her apartment. She didn’t say a word on the elevator ride up. And she wouldn’t even look at Lindsey once they were inside.She leaned against the wall, furiously tapping away on her phone, ignoring Lindsey when Lindsey asked what she was doing. 

She slipped her phone into her back pocket and went to her bedroom, shoving all of Lindsey’s clothes she could find back into her suitcase. Lindsey stood in the middle of the room, bewildered.“What are you doing?” Lindsey asked through tears. 

Emily couldn’t deal with whatever Lindsey was going through right now; she had enough on her own plate. “I booked a flight back to Denver for you. It leaves in a couple hours.”She didn’t even bother to turn around to look at Lindsey. 

“I’m not leaving,” Lindsey sobbed. 

Emily had no patience for this. “God Lindsey.Why can’t you just be like Kelley?”The words had slipped out of Emily’s mouth before she even realized what she was saying.

Lindsey had been coming closer to Emily, intending to hug her, to hold her, to tell her how much she loved her, but now she jerked back, confusion filling her eyes. “What does that even mean?”

“Nothing,” Emily mumbled. 

“Not nothing. What does that mean Sonnett?”_Sonnett_. Not Emily. But Sonnett. The only way Lindsey knew how to distance herself from the pain she knew was about to course through her heart was to call Emily by the name that everyone else called her.

“Goddamnit!” Emily finally turned around. Her eyes were bloodshot. And she was pale, more so than normal, like the color had completely drained from her face. “When things ended between Kell and me, that was it.It was over, no big deal. No drama.No yelling.No tears. That was our agreement - when it didn’t work for one of us anymore, we’d both walk away.No harm, no foul.Why can’t you just walk away and leave me be?” 

“You and Kelley.O’Hara?Are you fucking kidding me?What the fuck are you talking about?”The jealously Lindsey was experiencing felt like someone was stepping on her chest; it was getting harder and harder to breathe. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Emily mumbled.

“Like hell it doesn’t.What do you mean you and Kelley?When?”

“Fuck!”Emily shook as she yelled. “When she was with Amy.But before Kaci.Kelley and I... whatever. We were lonely. Bored. Well I was. I don’t know what she was in it for. But I was in love with you and you weren’t in love with me. So whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

“You fucked Kelley.”It’s a statement, not a question, as Lindsey was finally coming to terms with the words coming out of Emily’s mouth. “You and Kelley were a thing.”

“We were never a thing. We had sex.That’s it.” 

“For how long?”

“Does it matter?”

“It matters.”

“I don’t know. A year-ish. Maybe longer.Until Kaci.”

“You never told me-“ Lindsey sounded so hurt. 

“Because it doesn’t matter. You and I weren’t together,” Emily interrupted. 

“It does matter. Because you were in love with her. I said that a long time ago. I knew it. And she came to visit you. And you’ve roomed with her. Last camp. Did you cheat on me?”

“Oh my fucking God, Lindsey!I never cheated on you.You’re missing the goddamn point.This isn’t working for both of us anymore. It’s not working for me. Walk the fuck away. And I’ll walk the fuck away. Just like Kelley and I walked away from it and we’re still able to be teammates and friends and we’re fine. You and I can just go back to what we had before.” 

“I can’t do that, Emily. I can’t just walk away. I’m in love with you. Maybe Kelley wasn’t. Maybe you weren’t in love with her. But I’m in love with you and I don’t work like that. I don’t just fuck people without developing feelings. I can’t go back to what we had before.”

“Whatever. You gotta go.Like now. You gotta go.”Emily turned back around to continue packing Lindsey’s suitcase. There was no sympathy in her voice. No compassion. Just cruelty.She was a product of the pain that had been inflicted upon her. 

“Let me stay and help you through this.” Lindsey’s voice cracked as she looked at Emily, her eyes blurry from the tears. She stepped up behind whereEmily was standing next to the bed. “Em...” she reached out, lightly holding Emily’s wrist with only three fingers.Emily seemed so much smaller now.Fragile even. 

“Don’t touch me,” Emily said through clinched teeth. 

“Emily please talk to me.”Lindsey’s voice was trembling. 

Emily didn’t turn around, didn’t react, not at first. Finally she choked the words out. “Don’t.Fucking. Touch me!”The rage in her voice was increasing. She went to jerk her arm away from Lindsey’s grasp, but Lindsey was quicker, tightening her grip in a split second, before wrapping her arms around Emily from behind. Emily fought against her, but couldn’t free herself from Lindsey’s hold. They fell to the bed, Emily violently fighting Lindsey to get away. They were both crying, Lindsey begging in between sobs and Emily yelling at Lindsey to let her go.

Eventually, Lindsey didn’t have the strength to keep fighting, not so much physically - she could easily overpower Emily - but _mentally_, she couldn’t do it anymore. She didn’t _want_ to do it anymore. Emily took that moment to flip them, ending up on top of Lindsey. She started pounding on Lindsey’s chest with her fists, crying.Her face was bright red. Lindsey grabbed at Emily’s arms as they swung wildly, trying to fend off the blows. Emily pinned Lindsey’s arms to the bed, above her head. She leaned down and kissed Lindsey, hard.She pulled Lindsey’s lip, biting it.Lindsey winced at the sharp pain. 

She kissed Lindsey again, harder, tasting the blood glistening on Lindsey’s now swollen lower lip.Lindsey kissed her back just as forcefully.She tried to sit up, but Emily wouldn’t let her. 

Emily pinned both of Lindsey wrists with one of her hands.Lindsey could have broken free if she wanted to. But she didn’t want to. Because she still held onto some sliver of hope that if they had sex in this moment they wouldn’t break up.Emily’s other hand fumbled with the button on Lindsey’s jeans. She got it undone and jammed her hand inside Lindsey’s underwear, and her fingers inside of Lindsey. Lindsey cried out and grabbed Emily, digging her fingers into Emily’s back.Emily fucked her, hard, until Lindsey came, still crying.

Emily sat back on Lindsey’s thighs, breathing hard. Her eyes were vacant and dark.She unbuttoned her own pants and pulled Lindsey up to her.She shoved Lindsey’s hand inside her own underwear, riding Lindsey’s fingers until she came too. Then she collapsed into Lindsey without a word, emotionally and physically exhausted. 

Once she had caught her breath, Emily rolled off of Lindsey, stood, and zipped up the suitcase.She saw the desperation in Lindsey’s eyes but she ignored it.“Can you just take an Uber to the airport?”Her voice was low and even, which shocked Lindsey more than anything else almost - that they had just fought and fucked and now it was like none of it had happened. Emily was that destroyed by her mother that it was like she couldn’t feel anymore.

Lindsey stared at Emily’s expressionless face, and then lowered her eyes to Emily’s hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. In everything she was trying to keep inside, she couldn’t stop them from trembling. She had one tell still, one small thing giving her away, showing her weakness, proving that there was still a part of her that didn’t die there in her parents’ kitchen. She noticed Lindsey staring at her hands and she clenched her fists to making the shaking stop. 

“I’m not taking an Uber to the airport.”Lindsey was trying to remain calm, but she couldn’t hide the shakiness in her voice any more than Emily could hide it in her hands. 

“Fine. I’ll drop you off. Whatever.”As if Emily wasn’t distraught enough already, a trip to the airport was just going to prolong this. 

“No, Em.I mean I’m not going to the airport. I’m not going home.”

“Well you can’t stay here.You heard my mom. I have to go back.I have to fix this.”

“Fuck your mom.You don’t have to fix anything. You’re not broken,” Lindsey said through gritted teeth and the burning rage of a thousand suns. 

“Right?Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that simple?I’m not getting banished from my own family Lindsey. I love my dad.And Emma.What am I supposed to do?Never see them again?”

“You know it’s not like that. You can see them still. They love you.”

“So I just spend every holiday by myself? And sneak around to see them?What the fuck Lindsey?I’m not going to be alone.”

“You’re not alone. You have me.”

“You’re not _family_.”She crushed Lindsey’s heart with those three words. And in the moment, she didn’t even have the capacity to care about the tears streaming down Lindsey’s face, about Lindsey begging her not to do this, about Lindsey pleading with her to not end their relationship. Just like that, she had gone completely cold, surrounded by impenetrable armor. She had defeated Lindsey. Broken her. With three little words. 

* * *

Emily pulled up to the curb underneath the Southwest sign.She hadn’t said a word to Lindsey the entire car ride, and Lindsey had been staring out the window, head pressed to the glass, silently crying.Now that her car was in park, Emily’s leg was tapping uncontrollably, and her eyes were fixated out the windshield, unblinking. She just wanted Lindsey out of the car and yet at the same time, she didn’t. But she didn’t have a choice about it. Her mom had made that clear.

Lindsey wanted to reach out and put her hand on Emily’s leg, wanted to stop the tapping, but she oddly felt like it wasn’t her place to touch Emily anymore. She tried one more time to get Emily to change her mind.“Baby, please don’t do this. I love you. And I know you love me too. You’re hurting, but you don’t need to push me away. Sonny, let me be there for you. You don’t need to do this alone.” 

The distance was apparent now. She knew, deep down at least, what was happening inside this car.Her life was being destroyed while everyone was rushing by in the hustle and bustle of the airport, going on about their lives.The person sitting next to her was no longer hers.

“There’s nothing to do. I pick my family. That’s all there is to it. I’ll pick them 100 times out of 100.They’re my _blood_, Lindsey.We’re done. We _have_ to be done.It doesn’t matter how much I love you. Love’s not the most important thing in the world. Family matters more.” 

“Family’s supposed to love you unconditionally,” Lindsey tried to explain.

“They love me. In their own way.Everyone can’t be perfect like your family,” Emily said bitterly.“Please stop making this so difficult.”

“I’m not trying to make it difficult.But maybe it should be.You shouldn’t just get to walk away like we’ve meant nothing to each other.”Lindsey reached across the console and took Emily’s hand, but Emily didn’t move, didn’t hold Lindsey’s hand back.She just left it there, limp.

“Maybe I’m not capable of loving someone after all. Maybe I was never in love with you.”Emily was trying to hurt her now. She didn’t know what else to do to make Lindsey leave. Even if it was cruel.

“You don’t mean that.You’re just hurt,” Lindsey replied, not giving in.

“You have no idea what goes on in my head.”

“But I know your heart, Em.And you don’t mean that. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. And I refuse to believe that you’re incapable of love.You love me.I know you do.”But Lindsey’s voice sounded so small now.Emily’s words had done exactly what they were designed to do - wear Lindsey down.“Maybe we just need some time.”It was the only hope she had left.

“We don’t need time. It’s over. Just get out of the car, Lindsey.I’m done. With this conversation. With you. With love. With all of it. Get out so I can leave._Please_.”The words coming out of Emily’s mouth were clear and finite. 

So Lindsey did. She walked away from the car.From the nightmare that was Georgia. From Emily. From the love of her life. And into the Atlanta airport. Because she didn’t know what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to TLW 1x14 for the chapter title and for a little inspo for that scene. Different context, but still forceful breakup sex.


	43. All the Butterflies Just Died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they’d both rather die than deal with Themis reality because they are that in love.

Lindsey isn’t prone to panic attacks, not since Paris at least. Tobin taught her how to work through them long ago. But now, she can’t remember how or what to do. She’s five plus miles up in the air on the verge of having a panic attack. And it’s noticeable, because the nice woman next to her is squeezing her hand and telling her it’s going to be ok, but she can’t really tell what else she’s saying because all she can focus on is the pressure and ringing in her ears. And the constant replaying of what happened this afternoon.

Emily’s words, burned into her brain. She can actually see the words flashing before her eyes, white hot as the scenes replay.

_Why can’t you just be like Kelley? _

_Walk the fuck away._  
  
_Don’t touch me._

_You’re not family._  
  
_It’s over._  
  
_Maybe I was never in love with you_.  
  
  
She can’t breathe. She blacks out.

* * *

  
Emily has to pull over almost as soon as she’s made it out of the traffic nightmare that is the Atlanta-Hartsfield Airport. She can’t see. Her vision is narrowing and her heart is pounding out of her chest and she can’t breathe. _Is this what it feels like to have a heart attack? Or a stroke?_ She doesn’t know. She only knows soccer injuries. She has no fucking idea what this is, but she knows she can’t drive like this without killing herself. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea. Except she might kill someone else. So she has no choice but to pull over.  
  


* * *

  
Lindsey doesn’t know how long she’s been out, but her head was already resting on the lowered tray table in front of her, so it wasn’t noticeable and she didn’t fall out of her seat, didn’t force the plane to make an emergency landing. She sits up, flexing her neck. It hurts. Bad. So does her head - there’s this throbbing in the center right of her forehead and it’s so strong that it’s messing with her vision. The flight attendant comes by and asks her to raise her tray. She sounds pretty annoyed. For all Lindsey knows, the woman has asked her several times by now. 

They’re about to land in Houston. She has a layover. It feels like she’s never going to get back to Denver. Maybe she’d be better off turning around and flying back to Georgia.

Except there are those words again:

_Maybe I was never in love with you_.  
  


And Lindsey feels hot tears stinging her eyes all over again.

* * *

  
Emily composes herself. Well, her breathing, at least, enough so she won’t pass out. But she can’t settle her thoughts. Or her hands, which are still trembling on the steering wheel. Emily’s all too aware of what she’s done - broken the woman she loved to save herself. She didn’t know how else to make Lindsey leave. Emily’s never purposely hurt another human being in her entire life, and now she’s just destroyed the person who meant the most to her. 

And Lindsey’s words won’t stop replaying in her ears. She can’t unhear them.

_You fucked Kelley?_

And even after that, which had to have crushed Lindsey, because that’s what it was designed to do, Lindsey still loved her, still wanted to be there for her.

_You’re not alone. You have me._  
  
_You love me. I know you do._

_Don’t push me away._  
  


But that’s exactly what Emily did, push her away.  
  
This incredible human being, whom she has loved for years, was now gone. The only person besides her own sister who has ever loved her unconditionally. And it was her own fucking fault.

* * *

  
Lindsey deplanes and immediately calls Emily. Over and over. And sends off a flurry of texts through blurry, tear-filled eyes. She honestly doesn’t expect a response, and she doesn’t get one. But not knowing whether it’s because Emily is ignoring her or has blocked her is creating a feeling of severe anxiety in Lindsey’s chest. She doesn’t know how she’s going to make it through another flight, but she’s going to. Because all she wants to do is curl up in her bed tonight so that when she wakes up in the morning, none of this has really happened, and she can go back to the way things were - to loving Emily and being loved by Emily - and none of this other stuff will matter.

* * *

  
Emily wants to throw her phone out the car window and off the bridge into the Chattahoochee. It won’t stop ringing and dinging and the sound is grating on her, burning her ears, cutting at her heart every time because it’s Lindsey. Over and over again, it’s Lindsey.

And she could just answer and make this all go away. She knows she could. She knows that Lindsey is that good and loves her that much that all Emily would have to do is pick up the phone. She wouldn’t even have to apologize. Lindsey is that good of a person. So good.

But she can’t bring herself to do either - throw the phone out the window or answer it. She deserves every bit of pain that Lindsey’s phone calls and texts are causing her. Every bit. Because, she reasons, it’s only a fraction of the pain she caused Lindsey.

* * *

  
Lindsey’s home in Denver. Alone in her condo. It’s dark and cold. She didn’t even bother to  
turn on the lights or the heat. Or change out of her clothes, just collapsed in her bed. But she can’t sleep. And the headache won’t go away even though it’s been hours. She can’t go _home_ home. To her parents. It’s too humiliating. There’s no one she can call, not even Tobin, because Tobin will lose her shit on Emily if she finds out, and Lindsey doesn’t want that. Can’t have that. Emily’s going through enough without Tobin attacking her. And Mal? Mal would come over, but what for?She wouldn’t understand. There’s no one she can call except Emily.  
  
So she does. Over and over until her phone dies and she doesn’t have the energy to go dig the charger out of her bag, so she just falls asleep.

* * *

  
Emily walks through her front door. Emma is still there, still sitting at the kitchen table, even though it’s been hours. Her eyes are puffy and red from crying. She looks completely shocked that Emily came back. Her dad is there too. He looks broken and lost, older. But that’s not possible, Emily reasons; she must not have gotten a good look at him lately. Her mom is up busying herself in the kitchen, and when she hears Emily pull out a chair, scraping the floor, she says, “Oh, hi honey, glad you’re back,” as if nothing was ever wrong. Her voice, her fake cheeriness, grates on Emily more than the sound of her phone did.  
  
Jane slides a plate with a sandwich made from their leftover ham and piles of green bean casserole and dressing towards her. The sight of it almost makes Emily vomit. She pushes it away and then pushes her chair back, running upstairs to collapse on her bed.

Emma knocks later. Emily doesn’t bother to respond.

* * *

  
Lindsey wakes up in the pitch black night, no idea what time it is or how long she’s been asleep. She’s shivering uncontrollably. Her head hurts so bad she thinks she might actually have to go to the hospital. Or jump off of her balcony. Because that would solve both of her problems too. She stumbles into the hallway to turn the heat on and digs in her bag, still in the dark, until she can find her charger, before heading back to bed. It seems like it takes an eternity for her phone to power back on. There are no texts. No voicemails. She’s never felt so sick to her stomach in her entire life. She throws her phone down onto her nightstand and tries to go back to sleep, but she can’t. She ends up screaming into her pillow and beating her fists into the bed until she passes out again.

* * *

  
Emily is jolted back to reality by a sharp knock on her door and her mother’s sing-songy voice telling her to get dressed to go meet Reverend Harwell. Robotically, she does as she’s told, without bothering to shower. Her hair is a tangled mess, her face is tear-stained, and apparently, her mother doesn’t think her clothes are appropriate enough (read girly enough) to be meeting with the good Reverend. She’s forced to change, but she refuses to shower, refuses to apply any makeup.

Jane drives them to the church, and she drags Emily in behind her, and into the Reverend’s office. “Fix her,” Jane says sharply to the Reverend as she sits in one of the chairs pulled up to his desk. Clearly, she plans on staying for the entire conversation. Emily just stands in the doorway, refusing to enter. “Come in and sit down Emily.” His voice is soft, but his eyes tell a different story. Emily knows exactly what she’s seeing in them - disgust. He’s disgusted by her. But she doesn’t have a choice, so she sits down across from him. In the dress she doesn’t want to be wearing, next to her mom who is sitting ramrod straight with her legs crossed and lips pursed, with her pantyhose and her hat and her makeup and Emily just can’t take it. She slumps down in her chair, only to be swatted by her mother.

The Reverend starts speaking. The second she hears him quoting scripture, she tunes him out. Staring at the ceiling, chewing on her lip because if she were to raise her hand to her mouth to bite her nails like she wants to, she’d be chastised by her mother. She goes somewhere else. Back to the day when Lindsey got cleared, reliving the relief she felt at the news - Lindsey was going to get to play in their last game and their playoff game and the USWNT friendly. She goes back there because it’s the day Lindsey told Emily that Emily was her person. And it was the day that Emily promised she’d never leave. “_You’re not gonna lose me. Promise._” Her own words kept replaying in her mind, mingled with Lindsey’s vulnerability:

_I’m finally myself when I’m with you._

_I can let myself go._

_I don’t ever want anyone else to love me. Ever._

  
Except that memory takes her back to what they did that afternoon, and it starts to turn her on, which then makes her repulsed at herself.  
  
Finally, Emily picks up on a change in the room - silence. The Revered had stopped talking. She assumes that was their cue to leave. He had probably told her what she needed to do to repent, but she hadn’t heard him. She just needs to make him think that he has gotten through to her. So she says OK, and she sincerely thanks him as she shakes his hand, and she spins on her heel and strides out of the church without breaking down. And she doesn't break down on the car ride home, even though her mother is rambling again about sin and god and the devil and who knows what else. She holds it together because the concept of keeping up appearances has been ingrained in her since she was a little girl.


	44. Blood Isn’t Thicker Than Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily doesn’t show up at soccer camp, so Tobin and Kelley go rescue her from conversion camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy January Camp Day! Here’s some alternative content to Lindsey hitting Rose in the face with a water bottle.
> 
> Sorry this is so heavy on other characters besides our main two, but they’re working on getting these two back to each other.

“Where’s Emily?” It was all Lindsey had heard since she arrived at camp this morning. Well that and, “You look like complete shit, Horan.” The latter was probably very true. Lindsey hadn’t eaten more than a couple of bites of anything for days. Every time she tried, she just felt nauseous all over again. But... technically, Emily wasn’t late... yet. They’d been filing in all day, getting their room assignments, hanging out. They didn’t have a team meeting until late this afternoon. There was still time for Emily to get there. She was probably just hanging out in some coffee shop, waiting until the last possible minute to catch an Uber out to the complex, so she could avoid Lindsey. Lindsey was  sure of it.

What she wasn’t sure of it, but she was sure she couldn’t continue to take all of these people asking her, over and over, where Emily was.She wanted to scream, “_Leave me the fuck alone!_” She wanted to scream, _“I don’t fucking know, I’m not her mom!”_She wanted to scream, “_She broke up with me, I haven’t talked to her.She won’t answer my calls. Why don’t you fucking text her? Maybe she’ll talk to you.”_

But she didn’t. Say any of it. Because half of the team still had no clue about them. And because it would invite relentless scrutiny and Lindsey couldn’t handle it.Just before Lindsey hit her breaking point, she escaped to the quiet solitude of her room.Alone.

Which she got. For a few minutes. 

Until Tobin burst through her door.

And Lindsey wanted to kill whomever the fuck new-Molly was for making her room with Tierna because she was absolutely certain Tierna caved _so_ easily when Tobin asked for her key. Rose would never.

Tobin was followed by Christen. Because of course she was.

And Christen was followed by Kelley.Because Kelley wanted to know where Emily was.

Tobin took one look at Lindsey, her first real look all day, and then one look at Kelley, and sent Kelley away to a litany of protests.

Lindsey sat up, trying to get the other two go away, but Tobin ignored her and enveloped her in a hug instead. Held her as she cried. Looked over Lindsey’s shoulder at Chris, helpless because she had no idea what to do.

“What happened, Linds?” Christen said in that calming, motherly voice of hers, sitting down next to them and rubbing Lindsey’s back.

Something about Christen’s voice compelled Lindsey to talk, to tell her everything. “It’s over. We broke up,” Lindsey sobbed.

”What the fuck, I’m going to kill her,” Tobin yelled before Christen could stop her.

”No, Tobes. It’s not her fault,” Lindsey pleaded with Tobin to calm down.

”Oh, jeez, Lindsey,” Tobin said apologetically for assuming. “did you like, cheat on her?”

Christen continued shooting daggers at a Tobin for prying too much. 

“No, of course not. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just... life.” Still, as broken as she was, Lindsey was finding the strength somewhere deep down to protect Emily.   


Tobin gave her a strange look, like she couldn’t fathom how life could end a relationship if no one was at fault, but she kept her mouth shut so she could avoid Christen’s lecture about how to be a supportive friend later.   


“And now she’s not here and she won’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do. What if she’s not coming, Tobes?” Lindsey started crying again.

”Not possible,” Tobin tried to weakly assure her. “She’ll be here. But right now, we gotta get you down to that meeting.”

”Maybe she’s already down there,” Christen said hopefully. No one in the room believed it. Everyone’s gut was saying the exact same thing. 

Emily wasn’t down in the meeting room. And Vlatko didn’t address anything. So by the time the plan for camp was laid out, people were genuinely starting to freak out. Especially Rose and Kelley, who had been texting Emily the entire meeting, phones hidden under tables.

Tobin convened with Christen and Kelley as soon as the meeting ended, with Lindsey off to the side, starting at the floor, arms crossed, looking miserable. Emily not answering Kelley was exceptionally worrisome. Rose burst into the group demanding to know what they knew, but Kelley kicked her out. After some discussion in hushed tones, Tobin waved Pinoe over. “Go ask Vlatko where Emily is,” she insisted. 

“Why me? Can’t you just text her?” Megan demanded.

”Don’t you like think we have been, P?” There was an urgency in Tobins voice so out of place for her normally laid-back demeanor. ”You’re a Captain. And you’ve played for him before,” Tobin begged.

Megan slipped away, knowing that this was important. She returned a few minutes later. “He says he got an email from her this morning thanking him for the opportunity but declining to come into camp. He says he’s called her and emailed her and no response. No explanation.”

”Lindsey,” Pinoe looked directly at her until Lindsey raised her eyes. “What the fuck is going on?”

”I don’t know, P.,” she mumbled unconvincingly.

Megan looked like she was about to rip into Lindsey for withholding information when Tobin interrupted. “Is she in Georgia?”

”As far as I know. She’s probably still at her parents’.” 

”Are you sure she’s not back in Portland?” Lindsey can’t be sure. But she shook her head no. Tobin texted Bailey.   
  


**Tobes**:_ Need you to run by Sonnett’s. ASAP. See if she’s there. Wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency. Thanks_.

**BT**: _on it._

Tobin loved Bailey for not asking any questions. The group gently led Lindsey to the couches to sit, waiting for Bailey’s report, hoping Lindsey would open up. She didn’t. She just sat, staring blankly at the wall. Lindsey didn’t want to talk about what was going on, but more than that, it wasn’t her place to tell her teammates what Emily was dealing with back home.

Twenty minutes later, Tobin received the reply they’d been waiting on.

**BT**: no sign of her. Anything else I can do?

**Tobes**: No. Thanks for checking. Talk to you later.

Tobin looked directly at Lindsey, and spoke to her as directly. “Lindsey. Do you know her address?”

”Her condo. Not her parents’ house.”

Kelley jumped in, “I don’t know the address, but I know how to get to her parents’ house.”

”Lindsey, do you want us to go get her?” Tobin was dead serious now.

”You can’t, Tobin. We have testing this evening. There’s no way you’d be back in time.” Lindsey mumbled. She hadn’t even thought about how she would make it through a beep test like this. Not that in mattered much to her anymore.

”I don’t give a shit about missing a session. You think he’s going to cut me from the Olympic roster?” It sounded cocky, but Tobin had a point.

”I’ll come too then. I know how to get there,” Lindsey said.

“You can’t, Linds,” Tobin replied gently, fully aware that the 25-year-old’s spot on the roster wasn’t as fully cemented as her own.

”I can’t go full speed or with contact yet anyway,” Kelley chimed in. “I’ll come, Tobin.”

Tobin nodded. Lindsey protested. 

Immediately Kelley knew what this was about, why Lindsey was so adamant that Kelley not go. A loud argument broke out between the group, everyone talking at once, trying to make plans about who was going to go get Sonnett.   
  
Kelley put an end to it. “This is about us?” she asked incredulously. Everyone’s eyes turned to Kelley. Lindsey didn’t answer. “Did y’all break up because you found out about me and her?” Jaws dropped. Kelley’s eyes didn’t leave Lindsey’s, but she interrupted the stunned silence to clarify for the group. “Calm the fuck down, I don’t sleep with people who are in relationships. I’m not a home wrecker. This was a long time ago.”

Fire filled Lindsey’s eyes, and Kelley couldn’t tell if she had fucked things up more because this was the first Lindsey was hearing about it, or because it was just hard on her to hear it. 

“What? You just thought while you were boning your boyfriend, Sonnett was sitting at home twiddling her thumbs, pining away, waiting on you to get your shit together and realize you loved her back?” Kelley asked. She was angry. Emily not being here was risking Emily’s career and if Emily wasn’t there because Lindsey was uncomfortable about who Emily fucked before they got together? Well Kelley was going to let Lindsey have it. “She’s a person, too. With feelings and needs and so yeah, we had sex. And it literally meant nothing. Ever. We were fuck buddies. So I swear to God, Horan, if you being pissed about that is why she isn’t here...”

Lindsey interrupted her. “It’s not why, Kelley.” Lindsey didn’t need to tell Kelley how much it bothered her. Because it bothered her. A lot. But it had nothing to do with Emily staying back in Georgia.

Kelley stood down a bit. So did Lindsey. Tobin looked at Lindsey again, needing a definitive answer. “Do you want us to go get her, Linds?” Lindsey nodded, eyes filled with sadness. Tobin’s eyes shifted to Kelley. “You really willing to take this risk?” she asked, suddenly a little less sure about how Vlatko would take it. Kelley nodded, completely sure Emily was worth whatever was going to come tomorrow. “Let’s go find our girl and bring her home. Pinoe, we need you to like apologize to Vlatko or whatever for us. But tell him that helping Emily is bigger than a session or two of football.”

The two teammates grabbed their wallets from their rooms, and headed out to the front of the complex to wait for an Uber, straight to the Tampa airport.

* * *

”What’s the earliest we can get into Atlanta?” Tobin asked Kelley on the drive.

”8:10 pm. There’s a flight at 6:50 we can make,” Kelley let her know.

”Book it. Can we get back out tonight?” Tobin pressed her.

”There’s a flight out at 11:50pm. We can make it, if we find her right away.” But Kelley sounded skeptical.

”Book that, too. For 3. We’ll find her. She’s at her parents.”

”How do you know?” Kelley asked. 

“I just know. Something in Lindsey’s eyes,” Tobin explained.

”I hope you’re right because if we have to go back to her place in Atlanta looking for her, we won’t make the flight. What if she won’t come with us, Tobes?”

”She will. She has to. You’re positive you know how to get to her parents’ house?”

”Positive. More positive than I am about us still making the Olympic roster after we pull this stunt.”

”Pinoe will take care of us,” Tobin said, feigning confidence.

* * *

  
“So like, do we rent a car, or take an Uber or what?” Tobin asked.

”Let’s just Uber. It’s far, but it’s faster. That way we don’t have to deal with returning a car later,” Kelley suggested.

”But how do I get an Uber if I don’t know the address?” Tobin asked, opening the, very confused. 

”Just put in Waffle House in Marietta. We’ll bribe the driver from there.”

“Fuck, Kelley. There’s like a dozen Waffle Houses in Marietta!”

”Oh yeah. Forgot.” Kelley leaned over her shoulder. “That one. On Powder Springs.”

The teammates waited impatiently for their Uber outside. When he arrived and they got in, he commented on their lack of luggage. Tobin, already annoyed and antsy, ignored him. Kelley shot her a look. They were going to need this man’s help unless they wanted to walk. “We’re actually just headed to pick up a friend, and coming right back,” she said sweetly, her accept popping out. Tobin looked at her strangely, unable to remember the last time she had heard Kelley sound so southern. “Actually, if you want to stay with us and help get us back here, I’m sure we could make it worth your while.” The driver looked at Kelley suspiciously and Tobin hit her knee, so she sat back in silence until they got near the Waffle House. “Actually, can you keep going?” Kelley asked, her voice dripping in sweetness? I don’t know our friend’s address, I just know where she lives. I’ll direct you there.”

The driver stopped the car and marked the trip as finished. “Miss, I can’t do that.”

”Please,” Kelley begged, her tone switching to desperation. “I’ll pay you in cash, however much you would have made for the extra trip.”

He looked at her skeptically in the rear view mirror, but after awhile, decided she was harmless and pulled back on the road.

Kelley flopped back in her seat, relieved. “Take a left at the second light, please.” And then a few minutes later, “After this curve, turn left where that street sign is. And now a right.”

They we’re approaching a gated neighborhood. “I can’t get in here, Miss.”

”That’s fine,” Kelley assured him. “How much?”

”Twenty.”

Kelley nudged Tobin, who grunted. “I bought our tickets. Pay the man.” Tobin did and they got out, but Kelley leaned back in through his open passenger window. “How much to wait here for us?” she asked.

”How long?”

”Ten minutes maybe? I don’t know.”

”Better make it 20 minutes,” Tobin said with a frown on her face.

”Fifty dollars.”

Tobin’s eyes widened. Kelley jumped in before Tobin could say something that would piss their driver off. “Deal. Wait for us. Don’t leave. Even if it takes longer than 20 minutes, got it?” The man nodded and Kelley grabbed Tobin’s arm, pulling her through the bars of the gate. “Let’s go.” They jogged the rest of the way to Emily’s house.

”Well what’s your plan when we get there?” Tobin asked on the way. 

“Dunno. I’ll figure it out. I’ve got that nice Southern girl charm. Her mom loves me. Here. This is it.”   
  


* * *

The Sonnett residence was quiet but still lit up inside. Kelley knocked on the door. After a few terrifying moments, Jane opened the door. She looked absolutely shocked to see Kelley and Tobin standing on her doorstep. “Hi, Kelley. Tobin. What are you doing here?” She did not sound pleased. _So much for her liking_ _Kelley_, Tobin thought.

”Good evening, Mrs. Sonnett. We’re here to see Emily,” Kelley smiled her best smile. 

”Oh, she’s not taking visitors right now, honey. She’s not well.”

”Actually, she’s expecting us,” Kelley continued, voice dripping with sweetness. 

“And like I said,” Jane bit back tersely, “she’s not taking visitors of your kind right now.”

_Our kind?_ _Fuck that_ Tobin thought, pushing her way past Mrs. Sonnett. Tobin was _done_ with this fake nice southern bullshit. 

“Tobin!” Kelley called from the doorway.

”Where do you think you’re going, young lady?” Jane’s voice hit a fever pitch as Tobin looked around frantically. Bill came out of the den. 

“Kelley, where’s her room?”

”Upstairs. To the left!” Kelley exclaimed. And then, as Jane was about to close the door on her, she slid into the house too. Fuck that. She bound up the stairs after Tobin.

”Bill! Do something!” Mr. Sonnett just stood at the base of the stairs, watching the girls come to save his daughter. And did absolutely nothing.   
  
When they got to Emily’s room, the door was locked. Tobin knocked softly, “Em, it’s Tobes. And Kell.” 

“Tobin, she’s going to call the cops. We don’t have time for this.” Kelley pulled a bobby pin out of her hair and popped it in the hole on the door knob. Tobin’s eyes widened once again. “Don’t ask.” In less than 10 seconds, Kelley had the door open, and she and Tobin were inside Emily’s room, door closed and locked behind them. 

They saw Emily’s body jerk upright in shock at their entrance into the room. Emily’s room was dark and it took a moment for their eyes to adjust, before they could really make out how frail she looked. Tobin flipped on the light to get a better assessment of the situation. Emily winced and covered her eyes. Her cheeks were gaunt. Her eyes had dark circles around them. Her lips were cracked and chapped. Her hair was greasy. It looked like she hadn’t eaten or showered or even left her room in days. 

“What- what are y’all doing here?” Emily’s voice was hoarse and weak.

Emily’s mom started pounding on the door. The three teammates ignored it, staring at each other. “We’re here to take you to Florida, Sonny,” Kelley told her gently. 

”I’m not going,” Emily laid back down.

”Like hell you’re not. What the fuck happened with Horan?” Tobin was angry.

”Tobin,” Kelley said softly.

”She didn’t tell you?” That surprised Emily after the things she had said to Lindsey. She was certain that Lindsey would have told them.

”She won’t tell us shit except that you’re not together anymore. What did you do, Emily?” Tobin was getting angrier.

”Tobin.” Kelley wanted her to calm down.

”I broke her heart. Maybe broke her. I don’t know.” Emily pilled the pillow over her head, trying to shut out two of her best friends in the whole world.

”Why? You’ve loved her for so long? And what the fuck are you listening to?” Tobin was distracted by the depressing song on repeat. 

_If I could, I'd be your little spoon_  
_And kiss your fingers forevermore._  
_But, big spoon, you have so much to do_  
_And I have nothing ahead of me._

_You're the sun, you've never seen the night_  
_But you hear its song from the morning birds._  
_Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star_  
_But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds_

_Don't wait for me, I can't go._

_Your mother wouldn't approve of how my mother raised me_  
_But I do, I think I do_  
_And you're an all-American boy_  
_I guess I couldn't help trying to be your best American girl_

_You're the one_  
_You're all I ever wanted_  
_I think I'll regret this_

_Your mother wouldn't approve of how my mother raised me_  
_But I do, I finally do_

  
”Oh for fucks sake!” Tobin shouted at her. “Is this what I think it is? Did you come out to your family?”

Emily nodded. 

”And they flipped and went all Bible-thumper on you,” Tobin continued.

”My mom did,” Emily confirmed

”Fuck her!” 

”Tobin!” Kelley knew this was not going to help them get Emily to leave with them. Not with her being so close to her family.

”What? Seriously, fuck her. Let’s go!” Tobin shouted.

”It’s not that simple. This is my family, Tobin. If this were your family, you wouldn’t...”

”Like hell I wouldn’t,” Tobin interrupted Emily. “Family isn’t blood. Family loves unconditionally. I worried that my family wouldn’t be welcoming of my girlfriends, of my life, when I told them. But I told them completely prepared to walk away if they weren’t. Family is what you make it. Fuck your family. We’re leaving.”

”I can’t. She said if I leave, I can’t ever come home,” Emily’s voice was strained.

Kelley finally jumped in, understanding exactly what Emily was dealing with, even more so than Tobin, probably. She knelt down by Emily’s head, removing the pillow, rubbing her hair softly. “Em, sweetie, you can’t let your mom do this to you. Not if you love Lindsey. And I know you love her, don’t you?” Emily nodded in tears. “Babe, if you let Lindsey go because your mom is ignorant and homophobic, you will never get over it for the rest of your life. Trust me. I know.” Kelley had had her own struggles with homosexuality and her family.

”But I won’t have a family. And Lindsey won’t ever forgive me anyway,” Emily protested.

”Who do you think sent us here?” Tobin asked, softening. “I bet you have Lindsey’s family, huh? And we’re you’re family now. You can join the gayng. It’s me and Chris, Pinoe and Sue, and Ali and Ash. You and Lindsey can be our family.”

”Wait, why haven’t I been included in this?” Kelley asked, in total seriousness. Tobin looked at her like she was crazy to be having this conversation right now. “No, I’m serious. If you include Pinoe with Sue, you have to include me and Kaci. It’s only fair.”

”Fine!” Tobin was exasperated. “Kelly’s part of our family, too. See kid, ya got a lotta people who like, really love you. You’ll never be alone again. Not with all of us.”

”Yeah, we got you Em. You just have to stand up and put one foot in front of the other,” Kelley encouraged her.

”And if I can’t?” Emily whispered

”Then I’m going to fucking carry you out of here, Sonnett.”

”But I haven’t packed,” Emily said.

”You don’t need to. Between the 28 of us, we have plenty of clothes for you. Phone. Wallet. That’s it. Let’s go.”

Shockingly, Emily sat up. And she let Kelley help her to her feet. And they moved to the door. Tobin actually has her hand on the knob, when Emily hesitated. “I can’t. It’s best for Lindsey if I stay here.” 

At this point, Tobin is the one who can’t. “Like, what does that even mean?”

”I can’t go if my being there is just a distraction to her. If it’s going to hurt her more. She needs to be focused. This is her life. She wants a gold more than anything. She wants to be the best player in the world,” Emily explained.

”Honey, she asked us to come get you,” Kelley reminded her. “I don’t know what all you said, and what kind of apologizing you’re going to have to do, but if she were worried about herself, she wouldn’t have sent us.”

Emily knew Kelley was right, somewhat. But the problem was, Lindsey had never been good about worrying about herself, and Emily feared what would happen when Lindsey saw her, how it would affect her play. Because regardless of what Tobin and Kelley were saying, that mattered to Emily. Lindsey’s success mattered more to Emily than Emily’s own happiness mattered to her.

”Listen kid,” Kelley continued. We’re going to walk out of here, you’re not going to speak to your mom. We’re going to get on a plane. We got you a ticket. You’ll be in Florida with us tonight. You’ll see your girl. You’ll play some soccer. Nod if you understand.” 

Emily nodded. Tobin opened the door. They made it out of the house, ignoring all of Jane’s yelling and preaching, calling them dykes, telling them they were all going to burn in hell. They slowly walked with Emily to the front of her neighborhood, because she didn’t have the energy to move faster. They got in the Uber. Got to the airport. Kept Emily in their sight all the time, even escorting her to the bathroom. Grabbed her a coffee and a sandwich and sat next to her, making her eat it. And then boarded the plane, trapping her in between them, so Emily really couldn’t go anywhere. It wasn’t until they were in the air that both Kelley and Tobin finally felt enough relief to breathe normally again.

Tobin sent a message to Christen.

**Toby**: _Tell Linds we got her on the plane. I’ll text when we’re getting close if she wants to see her tonight._

**Pressy**: _Oh thanks goodness. She’s been a nervous wreck. We finally got her to sleep, but I’ll wake her up when you guys are on the way here._

_You know we’re all going to pay for this right? You three missing. Lindsey not being able to complete the fitness test today. All of us about to break curfew tonight. It’s not going to be good._

**Toby**: _We got her back. And it’ll give her and Lindsey a chance to fix things. Nothing else matters. _

**Pressy**: _Lindsey finally told me what happened._

**Toby**: _Religion isn’t supposed to break families apart. _

**Pressy**: _I know babe. You’re lucky you’re family understood that God is love. A lot of people don’t get that same understanding from their parents. I love you. See you soon._

**Toby**: _love you _

Emily tucked her feet up under her and leaned on Kelley’s shoulder, trying to get comfortable so she could go to sleep. She was _so_ tired. Kelley held her, rubbed her head, trying to comfort her. “You know, Sonnett, you could really use a shower.”

She got a half chuckle out of Emily.


	45. Love Thyself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not to be all Bible-y with the title, but...
> 
> Also I deleted my entire chapter after I finished, so that was fun. Maybe it’s better now. Maybe it’s not. But I’m not re-reading it to fix typos, so sorry bout them!

It was well after midnight, well after curfew, when the weary travelers braced Emily on either side and walked into the lobby of their quarters. Christen has already brought Lindsey out to see Emily before the trio walked in, not even having to wake her; she had been too restless to sleep for long. Emily raised her eyes as she walked into the familiar dormitory, and she immediately spotted Lindsey, in sweats and a hoodie, leaning against the wall. She looked so much smaller, hunched over like that, and when she raised her head to see Emily, her normally light grayish-green eyes looked dark. 

Lindsey pushed herself off the wall with effort and met Emily in the middle of the room, stopping a few feet from her. Emily’s normally slender frame looked almost painfully thin, cheeks gaunt, eyes hollow. And in that moment, Lindsey realized that she had to at least temporarily set aside her own pain for Emily because Emily had lost so much more than she had. Lindsey had lost her girlfriend; Emily had lost Lindsey, almost lost her career, and by coming here, had probably lost her family too. As soon as Lindsey wrapped Emily in her arms, Emily collapsed completely into them, leaving Lindsey to support her physical weight and all of her emotions. Lindsey felt Emily’s shoulders shuddering under her, and she started crying too. In relief. In sadness. Maybe a bit in anger. 

Christen lightly touched her back. “Do you two want to go somewhere to talk?”

Lindsey took a step back, wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. “No. Um, it’s late. And we have to be up early, so.... I guess we can just talk tomorrow.”

Shocked silence followed. They had just risked their positions on the team, gone to Georgia, kidnapped Lindsey’s girl, brought her back, and Lindsey didn’t want to do more than give her a hug? She didn’t even want to talk to her?

Tobin squinted at Lindsey, and was about to say something, when Christen shot her a look. Instead of pressing Lindsey, the group started to make its way down the hall to their rooms. 

Lindsey stopped in front of her door. “This is me.”

”You’re rooming with Lyss, Em. But we can wake Tierna up and you can stay here. Lil T can room with Lyss for now.”

Lindsey jumped in before Emily had a chance to speak. ”New staff. We don’t know how they’ll react to us switching rooms. We’re all already in a shit ton of trouble. Better not make it worse.” And then she noticed the looks on their faces, eyebrows furrowed, mouths agape. “Thanks for getting her though. Really. Goodnight.” With that, Lindsey disappeared into her room. What the foursome on the other side of the door didn’t know was that as soon as Lindsey closed the door, she collapsed against it, crying, overwhelmed by seeing Emily again and by her feelings of confusion.

In the hallway, Emily had collapsed in a pile of tears too, and Tobin and Kelley had to help her to her feet. All three of them offered to let Emily stay the night in their respective rooms, but even in her distraught state, she refused, not wanting anyone to get in any more trouble for her than they already were. So they took Emily to the room she was sharing with Alyssa and Tobin used the key she had grabbed earlier to let them in.

Alyssa was immediately awakened, and snapped on lamp between the two beds. She wasn’t prepared for the sight that she saw, them laying Emily down on top of the comforter, Emily not moving. She’d never seen Emily like that, never seen any of her teammates like that. She gave a questioning look to Tobin, who only responded with a little head shake. 

”She doesn’t have any clothes,” Kelley explained quietly, but we’ll get her sorted out in the morning.”

”If she’s not ok, you need to call one of us. No one else,” Christen added. “And definitely not Lindsey,” she mouthed.

The three bent down to give Emily hugs, and Kelley added in a sheepish, “Sorry, Lyss,” as they headed out.

* * *

The thud if the door caused Emily to jerk on the bed. Alyssa stared at her for a minute. She couldn’t really go back to sleep, not with Emily like that. And yet, she didn’t really know what to do. Finally, with a heavy sigh, she scooted out of bed and dropped down next to Emily. “Hey, Sonny,” Alyssa whispered, pushing some hair out of the younger girl’s face. She figured Emily needed a hug, but Alyssa wasn’t about to hug her until she showered. Because it seemed like Emily hadn’t showered in a week. Besides, she figured a shower always made her feel better, so maybe it would help Emily. “Let’s get you a quick shower, what do you say?”

Emily’s nod was _almost_ imperceptible, but it was there. Except she didn’t move.

”All right, no worries,” Alyssa said, trying to sound more sure than she was. “I’ll give you a hand.” Alyssa pulled Emily up and draped Emily’s arm over her neck, and then scooped her up and carried her to the bathroom. She set Emily down on the edge of the tub, before realizing there was no way Emily was going to stand and shower on her own. _Not a problem_, Alyssa thought. _ I can do this_. She stripped Emily down to her boxers and bra, and helped her sit in the tub. Alyssa filled it with warm water, checking the temperature several times as if filled up. She scrubbed Emily’s body, washed her hair, rinsed her off, and helped her up, wrapping a towel around the now shivering woman. “Em, I’m going to get you some clothes, but you gotta take the wet ones off.” A few moments later, she returned and helped Emily into some fresh sweats that were too big for her, making her rail-thin frame appear even smaller than it was. Alyssa walked Emily back to bed, lifting the covers and tucking her in. Alyssa was about to go back to her own bed when she realized that as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t. 

She didn’t know Emily. Not really. In all the years they had been teammates, Alyssa had never once had a serious conversation with her, instead shying away from Emily’s over-the-top antics and volume. But now, Emily needed her, and Alyssa was nothing if not nurturing. “Oh fuck it,” she said under her breath as she climbed in next to Emily and pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Baby girl, what happened to you?” Alyssa asked softly after a minute, stroking Emily’s cheek. 

The sound of Alyssa’s voice caused Emily to finally look at her, with the saddest eyes Alyssa had ever seen.

”Lindsey?” she asked carefully.”

Tears started to fall again, confirming Alyssa’s suspicion. “How-?”

”She was upset today. You weren’t here. Now you are. Kind of obvious,” Alyssa explained. “Besides, you two have had feelings for each other for awhile, so...” Alyssa shrugged.

”She hates me,” Emily mumbled. 

”You don’t know that.”

”I do. The things I said...” Emily trailed off, not knowing if she could tell Alyssa. She hadn’t told anyone everything. She only skimmed the surface with Tobin and Kelley.

”You can tell me if you want. I’m gay too, you know,” Alyssa confided in her.

Emily didn’t know, not for sure at least. She had suspected it, but Alyssa was so private. It wasn’t like anyone who knew was going to out her, and anyone who didn’t know was too afraid to ask her. But Alyssa admitting this to Emily somehow felt big. And it made Emily want to trust her. Besides, she needed to tell someone. She needed to hear what a horrible person she was. So she told Alyssa. Everything.

Alyssa laid there, watching her, nodding, her face neutral. And when Emily had finally finished, she spoke. A woman of few words, what she said carried a lot of weight with Emily. “Sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with, huh? It must’ve been hard. Bet it’s been hard for Lindsey, too.” There wasn’t even a hint of judgement in her tone. “You know, Sonnett, what you did, coming out to your family, that was really brave. I was never that brave. My dad coached at a Christian school. We went there. And we were in church every Sunday, so I get it. I know what a risk you took. I know how vulnerable you had to be. If my dad hadn’t caught me and my mom hadn’t guessed, I might still be closeted to my family to this day. I could never do what you did.”

Nobody had ever called Emily brave. She she certainly didn’t feel brave. She felt like coward for not standing up to her mom and choosing Lindsey.

”Look, she asked them to go get you. She wants you here, right? Give her time. Apologize. If it’s meant to be, you two will work it out. But you can’t do anything about it right now, and we train in the morning, so for now, let’s get some sleep, ok?” Alyssa decided she would stay there with Emily until she fell asleep and then escape back to the comfort of her empty bed.

Emily nodded half-heartedly. She didn’t really see anyway they’d work it out when Lindsey didn’t even want to talk to her.

* * *

Alyssa’s alarm woke both of them at 6am. Emily’s eyes shot wide open as she looked around the room, confused for a moment about where she was and why Alyssa was in bed with her. 

“I kept trying to go to my bed,” Alyssa explained, “but you kept whimpering and I didn’t want to leave you.” Alyssa was exhausted from less than four hours of sleep. Emily felt like she had been asleep forever, it being the longest stretch she had slept since she kicked Lindsey out of her car. 

There was a quiet knock on the door, and Alyssa opened it to find a very concerned Kelley. “She lives!” Kelley exclaimed excitedly when she saw Emily.

”Barely,” Alyssa mumbled.

”And she’s showered and put clean clothes on.” Kelley seemed quite impressed by the accomplishments. 

”Barely,” Alyssa mumbled again, without Kelley hearing.

“I brought you some of my stuff, Sonny. It’ll fit you better,” Kelley said, plopping down on the bed next to Emily. And then over Emily’s shoulder, she mouthed a very appreciative “thank you.” She turned back to Emily, letting her know they were going to go get breakfast in a bit.

Emily didn’t have time to agree, or to protest, she hadn’t decided which yet, when Christen came into the room through the door Kelley had left ajar. “Pinoe needs to see you all.” Her voice sounded serious and her face looked pretty grim.

”Oh fuck me,” Alyssa muttered, livid that she had been dragged into this. 

“Not you, dramatic,” Christen replied, barely looking at Alyssa. “They kept you out of it.” And then to Kelley and Emily, “she said now. Before breakfast.”

* * *

When Kelley and Emily arrived at Megan’s room, Lindsey and Tobin were already there. The four of them were a sight, heads hung low, refusing to make eye contact with Pinoe or each other. They looked like children who had been called into the principal’s office. 

”I’m going to start this by saying that you’re all lucky, because Vlatko asked me to handle it. Well, he actually asked me and Carli to handle it, but Carli doesn’t give two fucks about any of you, so she’s letting me handle it so she can go get some extra treatment or god only knows what do before training. So you’re lucky. Because he knows about the curfew violations, in addition to you three not being here yesterday. He’s pissed that you missed fitness testing, and,” Megan turned and looked directly at Lindsey, “he’s livid that you couldn’t even complete yours. You know better than to not take care of yourself, Lindsey.” And then she turned to Sonnett, “Also, you look like shit. Can you even practice today?” Emily only gave her a weak shrug. She really didn’t know how she was going to make it through two field sessions plus one in the weight room, but she also didn’t know what would happen to her if she didn’t.

Pinoe wasn’t done. She explained that in addition to their regularly scheduled sessions, they would all have to make up the fitness testing immediately after a session sometime this week, meaning their legs would already be dead by the time their testing started. And, the entire team was going to run sprints before practice today because of their curfew violations. Not a one of them protested. But they all felt shame. And they knew what was about to come from their teammates.

”Now,” Pinoe continued, sitting down on the floor in front of them, “what the hell happened between you two?”

Lindsey didn’t say a word. As far as she was concerned, this was Emily’s doing. They waited in awkward silence, Megan refusing to let them go until she found out what was going on.

Finally Emily spoke. “Lindsey and I have been together for a few months now. I decided to come out to my family. My mom flipped. She told me I could never come home if I stayed with Lindsey. I ended things. And I didn’t want to come here and just make things harder on her.” Emily’s words rushed out in a hurried summary, just wanting to get it over with. But then she turned to Lindsey. “I didn’t want to make things harder for you. Soccer means more to me than you. It’s your life. You want to be the best in the world. I’m just some second or third string right back. I wanted you to be able to be here, to perform, without worrying about me. I’m sorry,” she said sheepishly, using every ounce of bravery she could muster to hold eye contact as she apologized. “So I told Vlatko I quit,” Emily finished.

”Well I told him you unquit, so at least there’s that,” Megan said lightly. And then her tone changed, because what she was about to say was very personal and important to her. “Maybe you two haven’t been on the team long enough to know our entire legacy, though I thought you had, I thought you understood. But we have been able to have inter-squad relationships for as long as this team has been around because it is always about the team. It’s never been about the individual, and that has allowed us to always be professional. Even when things don’t work out. Because sometimes, they don’t,” Megan said from personal experience. “But you two let your personal life creep into this team, and we can’t have that. Ever again. I want to be very clear about that. There’s no second chance. Anymore drama between the two of you, and Vlatko’s going to handle it, and it’s not going to be pretty. There’s not a spot for both of you if you can’t figure it out. And soon. Like you need to talk to each other before you go out to the field this morning. Do you understand?” They both nodded. “Ok, good. Now get the hell out of here because I want to go to breakfast.”

The group got up, heads still hung low, each one of them regretting something in the whole situation. Tobin regretting that Lindsey didn’t feel close enough to her to call her as soon as this had happened. Kelley regretting the same with Emily. Lindsey wishing she could go back to that day and refuse to get out of Emily’s car. Emily regretting every choice she had made that led her to this point. “Hey,” Pinoe called behind them, “for the record, I always thought you two were pretty darn perfect for each other, so I hope you work it out.”

As soon as they made it into the hall, Kelley stopped Lindsey. It was the first chance she had had to talk to her since they got into it yesterday. “Lindsey, I’m sorry,” Kelley said sincerely. “I really thought you had broken up with her because you found out about us.”

”I told you that wasn’t it.”

”I know, but I didn’t believe you. I just didn’t think that there was any way Sonnett could have been the one responsible for y’all breaking up. What, with how much she loves you.”

Lindsey nodded, just wanting the conversation to end. But Kelley’ wasn’t through. “Except the thing is, it’s not really her fault. I know you don’t understand it, because you didn’t grow up where we did, but I did the same thing that she did. A long time ago. And it took me a long time to stand up to my parents, to put the woman I loved first. I’m one of the lucky ones. My parents backed down and decided to accept me for who I am, but it doesn’t work out that way for a lot of us. Why do you think the suicide rate is so high amongst the LGBTQ+ population?”

Lindsey couldn’t figure out if this was a rhetorical question or if she was actually supposed to answer it, so she went with silence, hoping Kelley would just stop talking. 

“My point is, it’s not as easy as you’d think it is, to come out, to give up your family. I’d tell you to walk a mile in her shoes, but I’d never wish that on anyone.”

Lindsey finally thought that Kelley seemed to be wrapping things up. 

She was wrong. “Anyway, I need you to know that she never was in love with me. She’s only had eyes for you since I met her. You’re all she ever talks about. It was sex, that’s it, she was single. I was, well whatever, but it never meant anything. So, just, don’t be mad at her for that, ok?”

The logical part of Lindsey’s brain knew this. Knew that it wasn’t fair to be mad about who Emily slept with before they were together. Because what Kelley said yesterday was right - Lindsey was sleeping with someone too, and Emily had never held that against her. But the illogical part of Lindsey’s heart kept thinking about the fact that it was _Kelley_. Older than Lindsey, fitter than Lindsey, smaller than Lindsey, more experienced than Lindsey, gayer than Lindsey. Sexy as fuck Kelley, who Lindsey could never compete with. Kelley who Emily still spent a ton of time with. Kelley who Lindsey now pictured kissing Emily, in bed naked with Emily, touching Emily. And it bothered her, even if it shouldn’t. But worse, Lindsey couldn’t get it out of her head that Kelley had asked Emily to leave her parents’ house, and Emily did, but when Lindsey had asked Emily to leave, it had been a firm no.

Kelleys voice snapped her back into the present. “And I’m sorry again about everything,” Kelley continued. “I just get protective of her. She’s a lot more fragile than she lets anyone know. But yeah, I was a bitch.” Kelley expected Lindsey to make some smart ass remark, but she didn’t.

Instead Lindsey said, “You heard P. I need to talk to her before training. I gotta go, Kelley.” And with that, she jogged down the hall after Emily.

Lindsey’s hand grabbing Emily’s arm shocked Emily, causing her to spin around. If she thought she could avoid this conversation with Lindsey, she was wrong. “Come on,” Lindsey dragged Emily back to her room, knowing Tierna was most likely at breakfast already.

* * *

Inside, Lindsey sat down on her bed, knees pulled to her chest, and Emily chose the chair, feeling the need to keep some physical distance after the way things went last night.

The two sat awkwardly in the silence until it became so loud that Lindsey couldn’t take it anymore, and she knew that waiting for Emily to say something meant she would be waiting forever.

“I’m glad you came to camp Sonnett,” Lindsey started. “But why? Why’d you come with them the second they asked you to, when I begged you to leave that place with me, and you refused?” There was a hurt in Lindsey’s voice Emily knew she couldn’t take away.

And there was no worthy explanation that she could give. What was she supposed to tell Lindsey? _Sorry, I changed my mind. I said some really horrible things to you, but I didn’t mean them. So let’s just forget it all now?_ So instead, she gave the half-ass response of “They threatened to drag me out.”

“You kicked me out. You pushed me away. Wasn’t the threat of our entire relationship ending bigger than that?” Lindsey asked with growing desperation.

Emily remained silent.

”I just- I can’t- I love you Emily, but I can’t do this. Have you even talked to anybody?”

”I told Alyssa everything last night.”

”That’s not what I mean. I mean a professional,” Lindsey said quietly.

”The good reverend,” Emily answered sarcastically. 

”A therapist Emily. Or at least talk to our team therapist.” Lindsey was trying hard not to become exasperated.

”Why?” Emily asked sharply. “There’s no point. No one can fix this.”

And therein lies the problem. 

“You’re right. I can love you with every fiber of my being, but I can’t make you love yourself. I can’t make you accept yourself. I wish you could see yourself in my eyes. But I can’t make you stop hating yourself.” 

”I don’t hate myself,” Emily protested, her voice becoming strained as she subconsciously lied to both Lindsey and herself.

”You do,” Lindsey said as tears filled her eyes. She felt absolutely helpless.”You were raised hearing horrible things for so long and it’s scarred you and I don’t know how to heal you. You can’t love me until you can love you.”

”That’s bullshit! Don’t tell me what’s in my head or my heart. What do you want me to do to prove it to you?” Emily was crying and desperate now.

”Come out.” It’s not something Lindsey would ever have dreamed of asking Emily to do, and she doesn’t real do even mean it. She just wants Emily to be _willing_ to do it. For her. As proof that she’s ok with who she is. 

”What are you talking about? The whole team knows. My family knows. I’m out.” Emily said angrily, angry that it’s not enough for Lindsey. 

”No, to the world. You’re hedging your bets now. The way it is, after camp, you can go back to Georgia, your mom will forgive you because she won’t know about us. She’ll think you’re a good reformed Christian girl, and that’ll be that. But I’m not going to be second place to your family. I’m not going to be hidden away, I’m not going to let you pretend like I don’t exist come Thanksgiving and Christmas. What kind of relationship would that be? But if you draw a line in the sand, your mom will know. She’ll know you’re picking _me_ and she’ll either have to accept it or not. I just want you to pick me, Emily.” 

Lindsey knew that it sounded like she was forcing Emily to choose between her and her own parents, but Lindsey didn’t feel that way at all. As far as Lindsey was concerned, Jane had already forced that choice upon Emily. Lindsey was just giving Emily a chance to change her mind. After everything Emily had said and done, she just needed to know that Emily would be her.   
  


But Emily’s silence told Lindsey everything she needed to know. Emily wouldn’t look at her, using her toe to push herself in semi-circles in the desk chair.

“Or don’t,” Lindsey mumbled. “You nearly broke me. That’s how much I love you. I love you so much you could get this close to breaking me.” Lindsey held up her fingers with just a sliver of light shining between them, separating them. “I can’t trust that you wouldn’t do it again if your mom confronted you. And next time, you just might break me.”

”I won’t,” Emily tried to argue weakly.

”You might. Even if you don’t mean to. I want this to work. I want _us_ to work. So bad. But you have to love yourself first. To accept all the parts about yourself, the parts you’ve always rejected. The parts that cause everybody else pain. If it’s meant to be, we’ll come back to each other. I want us to come back to each other.” Tears were freely flowing from Lindsey’s eyes as her voice cracked.

“I’m sorry.” It was Emily’s feeble, last-ditch effort to not lose the woman she loved. Again.

Except sometimes, sorry can’t fix things, can’t make things better. Sometimes, it can’t erase the hurt and the betrayal, it can’t bring back trust. Sometimes, sorry really _isn’t_ good enough. 

”What do you want, Lindsey? You want me to send a tweet out that says, ‘Hi, I’m Emily Sonnett and I’m gay.’?”

”We need to take a break,” was Lindsey’s only response. 

And just like that, the wind was knocked out of Emily. There’s a good almost 60 second period where she feels like no oxygen is getting to her brain or her lungs. And then it hits her as she draws in that life-saving breath, that breath that she almost doesn’t want to draw in - the realization that this is what she deserves. This is what _she_ did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’ll be mostly fine after this chapter, so don’t despair.


	46. Once a Thorn...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily has a plan that she puts into action, since Lindsey seems unable to forgive her. Sometimes, once the ball starts rolling, it can’t be stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit post waaay before I was done because life is distracting. So sorry. For real. But read it now, k?

Camp over the next couple of days was awkward, two former lovers, still in love with each other, trying to convince themselves they weren’t, trying to make sure the other didn’t see that they still were. Lindsey was doing it for her own sake, but Emily was doing it for Lindsey’s. They found a way to navigate around each other, carefully avoiding each other’s space, but mainly avoiding each other’s eyes. Because that’s where everything was - the hurt, and the love. And it was awful, but it worked. 

Well enough.

For now. 

Their teammates, bless them, for as nosy as they were and for the general consensus that secrets don’t belong on the team, really left the two alone. It was like even the people who had no idea still sensed that something bad had happened and didn’t want to make it worse. But the longer it all went on, the surer Emily was that she couldn’t do this all next season in Portland. She couldn’t do it to herself, but she damn sure couldn’t do it to Lindsey. Emily felt like she was crawling out of her skin, itching to get away, from Lindsey, from Portland. It was becoming painfully obvious that she would never be ok if she stayed around Lindsey. It was one thing to push through it during national team functions. It was quite another to see someone day in and day out for eight months. And then it hit her, like a brick in the face. If Emily wanted to be out of Lindsey’s hair, and she did want that, at least she _thought_ she wanted that, playing in Portland didn’t seem doable any longer. And if she wanted to move on, to be able to forget, the only way to have even the slimmest of chances of that happening was to get out. 

For her part, Lindsey was going out of her mind too, but she wasn’t going to let Emily know that. She was hurt, more than she ever had been, yet she was also simultaneously regretting everything she said, every time she pushed back, every explanation she gave, even if it was the truth. Lindsey just wanted her back. But how do you say that to someone who broke your heart and can’t even fully choose you?

Lindsey spent as much of her downtime as she could with Rose in Rose’s room, away from everyone else. Rose was annoying. But Rose made her laugh. Rose put up with Lindsey, even when Lindsey launched water bottles at her face. And Rose knew that something had happened between Lindsey and Emily, and didn’t once bug Lindsey to try to get the details out of her. She just let Lindsey be. 

Emily tried to keep away from Tobin as much as possible, afraid of bearing witness to the harsh reality that Tobin would absolutely pick Lindsey’s side if sides needed picking in this “break” of theirs. Instead, she split her free time equally between Kelley, which also included Allie, now that Alex wasn’t in camp, and Alyssa, who Emily now felt a surprising bond with. While Kelley kept pushing Emily to do something, to fight for Lindsey, to prove to Lindsey that she was the most important thing in Emily’s life, Alyssa was the calming force that Kelley wasn’t. 

The second night Emily spent in camp, as she shuffled out of the bathroom and started to turn down her bed, Alyssa scooted over in hers and flipped the sheets out of the way. “Come on,” she said, sounding like a parent giving into a child, “you don’t have to sleep alone.” And every night after, when Sonnett would exit the bathroom, having allowed her older teammate to get ready for bed first, she would look at Alyssa with these sad, but hopeful eyes, and Alyssa would scoot over and let Sonnett lie down next to her. She would drape her arm over Emily, pull her close, and hold her until she felt Emily’s body relax. Only then, when Alyssa was sure Emily was asleep, would she scoot a few inches away so she could have some personal space. Emily didn’t say it, didn’t have to really, but Alyssa was the only reason she got any sleep at night. The time between crawling into Alyssa’s bed and when her eyelids got so heavy they started to close left her feeling safe enough and protected enough so that she could relax just enough to go to sleep. 

Sometimes, they would talk before falling asleep. At first Emily was scared to talk to Alyssa. It already felt like Alyssa was doing too much for her, letting her hang out in the daytime, letting her cuddle at night, when Emily knew how much Alyssa _hated_ cuddling; she certainly didn’t want Alyssa to feel forced into talking to her if she wanted to sleep, so Emily always laid there in silence. Maybe Alyssa felt bad for her, Emily didn’t really know, but Alyssa would always talk to her. Her voice was as soothing as her presence, low and hoarse, calm. 

It was how Emily ended up learning about the woman that Alyssa ran out on, for soccer. A woman she had been in love with. A decision she regretted in the moment and for years after. She told Emily it was why she was still single. What she didn’t say, but tried to convey to Emily anyway, was that she couldn’t give up on her relationship with Lindsey for anything or anyone else.

It was how Emily told Alyssa about growing up in the South. How tortured she felt. How much she hated herself. How she felt like there wasn’t enough love in the world to heal her. 

It was how Emily ended up confiding her plan to leave Portland to Alyssa and Alyssa alone, and how Alyssa convinced Emily that if she was serious about doing that, she at least owed it to herself to stop avoiding Lindsey and see if the two of them could actually have a normal conversation first.

But Emily wasn’t comfortable enough just going up to Lindsey and striking up a conversation, which to her, was telling enough, because it should have been easy to talk to Lindsey. Instead, she roped Rose into an elaborate plan to create a partner scavenger hunt, where Rose would draw names for partners, “randomly,” and Lindsey would be paired with Sonnett for the duration of the scavenger hunt. It was how Emily and Lindsey ended up wandering the halls of their dormitory, competing against Sam and Mal, Kelley and Allie, and Crystal and JJ for bragging rights and a cart load of snacks from Target paid for by all of the losers.   
  
As soon as Rose announced that Lindsey and Emily were partners, Emily watched Lindsey bristle. But even though she didn’t say anything, Emily feared Lindsey’s silence was more about not upsetting the status quo than it was about moving past things. They made their way from room to room, through the lobby, and across the campus, collecting tweezers, a neon shoelace, a piece of CL10 mech, a video of a straight teammate (they chose Becky) saying “gay rights”, a video of a coach singing, a college t-shirt, all barely saying a word to each other. It was when they were stuck, trying to find the last thing on their list - anything Christmas-y - that Lindsey finally broke down.

“Why did you almost throw your career away from me?” There was a hint of anger already creeping into Lindsey’s voice at the first words she spoke, but behind it, was something else. Maybe Lindsey acknowledging that Emily had to love her if she was willing to risk her career. The discord of Lindsey’s tone though left Emily feeling unsettled right of the bat.

”I told you. In Pinoe’s room. I didn’t want to be a distraction to you. Thought my presence would just cause you more pain. Soccer means more to you than me. It’s your life. It doesn’t have to be mine. You want to be the best in the world, and I want that for you. I didn’t want to be the reason that it didn’t happen for you. And I figured I owed it to you after what I did, so...”

”That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Lindsey cut in. Stupid, but it _was_ a huge sacrifice, and Emily _had_ made it without thinking twice about it. If Lindsey wasn’t so mad at Emily already, she might have seen the pure love behind it. “You hurt me already. Being here, not being here. It doesn’t matter. One won’t take away the pain more than the other.”

Emily didn’t really have a response to that, other than thinking it was complete bullshit. It just _had_ to be easier to function if you weren’t having to stare at the person who doesn’t love you back. No matter what Lindsey said about both being equally painful. Lindsey went back to not talking and Emily set deeper in her convictions to do what she needed to do. Tomorrow morning after training.

* * *

“What the fuck?!” The look on Tobin’s face, when Rose crouched down and whispered in her ear, was a mixture of anger and confusion, with a whole hell of a lot of disbelief. Rose, who would never interrupt Tobin when she was lying on the couch, her head resting in Christen’s lap as Christen ran her fingers through Tobin’s hair. Rose, who was flanked by Sammy on one side and Mal on the other. Because she was too scarred to talk to Tobin alone, but the other two wouldn’t do it alone either.   


Christen followed Tobin with her eyes as she walked out of the players’ lounge. So did Lindsey. Both were concerned about the tension in Tobin’s normally relaxed shoulders and the deep lines that formed on her forehead as Rose spoke. And neither one of them was able to understand what Rose would have to say that couldn’t be said in front of them.

”Show me,” Tobin demanded as soon as they were in the hallway. Tobin scanned Rose’s phone. “Rose. It’s Twitter. Give me a break.”

”Yeah, but, they’re like reliable sources, Tobin. What if it’s true?” Sammy interjected.

”It’s not. But I’ll go ask Sonnett myself. Put an end to this.” The three younger girls nodded in unison, and started to follow Tobin down the hall towards the rooms. “By myself,” Tobin shot back over her shoulder. “I don’t need your dramatic asses getting all riled up.

The walk to the end of the hallway seemed longer to Tobin than it ever had before. She didn’t know why she was worried. There was no way the Thorns would trade Sonnett plus someone else for a draft pick. Not when it wasn’t even confirmed who was declaring yet. Not when Sonny had been their number one pick. You don’t trade away your number one pick in the prime of her career. Besides, Sonny was Portland as much as Tobin, Sinc, and Lindsey were. By the time she reached Alyssa’s door, she had talked herself out of believing the nonsense altogether. But Emily wasn’t there.   


“Try Kelley,” Alyssa suggested.

So back down the hall Tobin trudged, knocking on Kelley’s door. “She in here?” Tobin asked abruptly when Kelley didn’t open the door wide enough for her to see inside.

”Ew. Hi to you too. Harry’s at the store.”

”No. Sonnett,” Tobin said, too easily exasperated.

At that, Kelley pulled the door open the remainder of the way for Tobin to enter. Emily was lying on Kelley’s bed, watching an episode of the Bachelor.

”You know, this really is peak trash TV,” Tobin let them both know.

”Yeah, I thought so too the first time Kelley made me watch it. But it gets kinda good I guess,” Emily admitted. 

“You’re just bored,” Tobin told her. “Anyway, um, like I don’t know how to bring this up...” she eyed Kelley, “but can we talk for like a minute?” 

“Sure,” Emily said, looking away from the TV.

”Um, maybe like outside?” Tobin asked, suddenly serious.

”Tobes, whatever it is you can say in front of Kell.”

”Ok, um, like, I don’t know if you’ve seen it and I know it isn’t a big deal because they’re just rumors, but people are saying Portland is in talks to trade you to Orlando.”

Emily’s forehead wrinkled.

”I didn’t know if you wanted to like address it, or just ignore it, but...”

”It’s not a rumor,” Emily interrupts, so quietly Tobin and Kelley almost didn’t hear her.

”What?” Kelley shouted, suddenly invested in the conversation,  the smile vanishing from her face.

”I asked Mark to trade me. If he thought he could get a good deal for me. They’re going after the #1 pick in the draft, so that’s a pretty good deal for the Thorns, I think.”

Tobin’s mouth dropped and for one of the first times Emily could remember, she saw tears welling up in Tobin’s eyes. She had cried when Christen’s mom was sick. She had teared up at Ashlyn and Ali’s wedding. But mostly, when Tobin Heath got teary-eyed, it was because she was angry, like after a loss. For a moment, Emily started to wonder if Tobin was angry at her, but then Tobin all but tackled her in a hug. “ Why?” she begged to know.

”You know why, Tobes. It’s not fair to either of us to have to keep going like this. Seeing each other. Miserable everyday. I’ll just make it hard for her to move on if I’m there,” Emily said sadly.

”She doesn’t need to move on, Son,” Kelley jumped in quickly, sitting down next to Emily and placing a hand on Emily’s back.

”Sonny, no,” Tobin begged. “Tell him you like, changed your mind. You can’t leave us. You’re part of, like, the fabric that is our team. And she doesn’t want you gone.”

“She said we needed to take a break,” Emily admitted to them. ”Besides, it’s basically done. Which is why it’s starting to leak I guess?”

”But it’s not official,” Tobin said hopefully.

”And a break doesn’t mean it’s over,” Kelley added.

”Y’all, it’s what I need to do. It’s for me too. I can’t see her everyday. Knowing I hurt her. Knowing I can’t be with her. It’s too much for me.

”Sonnett...” Tobin choked out.

”Tobin, please,” Emily begged as she started to cry.

Tobin shook her head dejectedly, not believing what she had just heard. It couldn’t be real. And yet everything about Emily’s face and tone of voice told her it was. “You have to go tell her. Before she sees it on twitter or finds out from someone else,” Tobin said hoarsely, trying to get her young friend to at least do right by Lindsey.

”Yeah, ok,” Emily mumbled. She started to text Lindsey, to ask her to come to Kelley’s room, but then decided to use her better judgement and not. It would hurt Lindsey that she was hanging out with Kelley, _if_ she still cared. Because if Lindsey still cared, Emily certainly didn’t want to do anything to upset her. She got up and headed down to the lounge and over to where Lindsey was playing cards with Morgan. “Hey, can we talk?” Emily asked deferentially.   


“Not right now. When we’re done,” Lindsey replied, barely looking up at Emily.

Emily sighed. A loud, heavy sigh, and Lindsey did look up at her at that point, but Emily had already turned around, and was sinking into a nearby chair, her expression pained. Lindsey felt a touch of regret at how easily she had blown Emily off. But she finished her game, and then made good on her promise to talk to Emily.

”What’s up,” she asked, towering over Emily, who was slumped in the chair.

Emily scooted forward to stand and when she did, she was too close to Lindsey, who hadn’t moved back, in the space that now seemed so small. She cleared her throat and averted her eyes. Lindsey smelled so good. Like home. “Not here. Come with me.” Lindsey didn’t budge as Emily started to step around her. “Please,” Emily begged. And something in her voice triggered Lindsey to follow her, against Lindsey’s better judgement, as Emily shuffled down the hall.  


Emily led them to a nearby stairwell, the metal door clanging behind them as she let it go after holding it open for Lindsey. When Lindsey turned around at the noise, Emily was right there again, so close that Lindsey could see every freckle on her face, every fine line on her forehead, every single eyelash. For a moment, Lindsey thought Emily had taken her there to kiss her, and her stomach dropped. The way it had dropped the night that Emily sat, trembling in Lindsey’s hotel room, and kissed her. And for a split second, it occurred to Lindsey that if Emily was going to kiss her, she certainly wasn’t going to stop it. Her eyes dropped to Emily’s lips. She wanted to feel them against her own again. So bad.

”You might want to sit down,” Emily said. “Or maybe not, maybe you won’t care.” But Emily sat down, because she didn’t know how she was going to be able to get the words out.

”Oh!” Lindsey sounded shocked. And Emily picked up on it, giving her a quizzical look. But she sank down next to Emily anyway, angling her body towards Emily, trying to study her face for clues.

Emily sat there, fidgeting with her fingers , unable to speak. Lindsey watched her, almost grabbed her hand and held it to calm Emily’s nerves, almost jumped in a couple of times to say what she had been thinking about the past few days, but she didn’t. Because clearly, something was weighing pretty heavily on Emily’s mind. “Um,” Emily started for the fourth time, “there’s something I need to tell you. Before you hear it from someone else.”

Lindsey immediately sat up straighter and scooted as far into the railing as she could. She probably only moved a few centimeters away from Emily in that tight space, but it seemed important to her. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at Emily and she tried to brace herself for the worst, for Emily telling her she had been one of the first wave cut or, worse, that she and Kelley were talking.

But nothing came out of Emily’s mouth for the next few minutes and it took everything Lindsey had in her to not scream “Spit it out” at Emily.   


”I’m being traded to Orlando,” Emily said quietly, steadily. “With Cait. For their first round pick.”  


It took Lindsey a moment to process what she heard. To realize it had nothing to do with Kelley. And then to let the full weight of what that meant sink in. Emily Sonnett was never going to step onto the field in a Portland Thorns jersey with Lindsey ever again.

No more PTFC chants. No chant from the Riveters that Sonny has always dreamed of. 

No more handshake.

No more Chipotle. Or Starbucks with a sprinkle of love, a touch of kindness, and a low ‘n’ sweet. No more weekly avo toast dates. No more convincing Emily to drink kombucha. No more heading to Northwest Coffee the morning after games. No more trips to Wildfang.

No late night sleepovers in the living room with Cait and Ellie. No nail painting or facials, no popcorn spilling onto the carpet or drinking games with water instead of beer because they were in season.

No more bus buddies.

No seeing Emily’s face turn as red as her jersey when she got mad at the ref. No more assists. No more Sonny celebrations when Lindsey scored. Sonny celebrations were the best, because it always felt like out of the 20,000 plus people in Providence Park and on the field, Emily Sonnett was, by far, always the most excited person for Lindsey. 

No more living together, though she supposed the way they had left things a few days ago, that wasn’t going to be a reality come March anyway. But the thing was, secretly, Lindsey had been hedging her bets too. When she pushed Emily to choose, she did so because she knew that even if Emily didn’t choose her in that moment, she would choose Lindsey eventually. They were going to be seeing each other almost everyday for 8 months. In the same city, on the same team, in the same locker room, on the same bus. So maybe, at worst, Lindsey figured, their break would last til March or April, but there was no way, in her mind, that it would _last_ last. Except for now...

Now there would be no more cuddling on the couch, fingers intertwined, lips occasionally pressed to the back of a neck or a collarbone.

No more lying under a blanket on their deck while Emily stroked her hair. No more falling asleep next to each other and waking up next to each other. 

No more slipping into the shower while Emily was washing her hair and wrapping her up from behind, rubbing all over her slippery wet body. No more watching Emily watch her undress, or get dressed, because the sparkle in Emily’s eyes was the same when she saw Lindsey taking off her clothes as it was when she watched Lindsey put them on.

No more sleepy whispered “I love yous,” that made Lindsey think, even at the young age of 25, that she had found her person and wouldn’t ever need to look any farther than Emily Sonnett for the rest of her life.

It hadn’t completely sunk in for Lindsey that she was going to lose all of these things because she never _really_ believed she was going to lose them. Until now.

And then it occurred to her that she had started crying, probably several minutes ago, hadn’t said a word out loud, and Emily was just staring at her with the most defeated look on her face.

”Why?” Lindsey managed to croak out.

”Because I asked for it. Because you hate me,” Emily answered simply. “Because I hurt you. Too bad to forgive.”

Lindsey ached to tell her that wasn’t true, that there’s very little in life that can’t be forgiven, but she couldn’t even form words. It was like her brain was working, but the rest of her was numb. 

”And I know you said it would hurt the same if I’m here or not here, but that’s not true. Not for me at least. Maybe I’m just weak or whatever, but I can’t be around you knowing that you hate me. Cause I still love you as much as I’ve always loved you. I can’t do that to myself everyday. I’ll die Lindsey.” Emily knew it sounded dramatic, but it was the truth. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, it would kill her spirit.

”Tell him no. You can change your mind. Nothing’s been announced. It’s not too late.” Lindsey was full on crying now, begging. And part of Emily wanted to hold her and comfort her, but the rest was confused about why Lindsey cared. Besides, Lindsey wasn’t hers to hold and comfort anymore. 

”It’s done. They’re just holding off on announcing for a couple of days because there’s some other stuff going on in the front offices,” Emily explained, trying not to cry. Trying to be strong. Trying to convince Lindsey and herself that this was for the best. She needed to say the words. “It’s best for us. We’re idiots if we think we can just go back to being friends and teammates. We can make this work,” she added, referring to the national team, “but we can’t make it work on a daily basis.”

”I don’t want to just be friends,” Lindsey sniffled, wiping her face. 

”Well then, we don’t have to be friends anymore either,” Emily wiped at her eyes.

”That’s not what I mean, Sonny. I want to be your girlfriend again. I want that more than I want to be your friend or your teammate. I love you.”

”But you said I had to pick and then I didn’t pick you. And you said we needed a break.”

”Fuck a break. I’m going to have weeks at a time of breaks from you and I don’t even want to be away from you for a day.” Lindsey was ugly crying, angry crying now.

”Linds, we can’t get back together just because you’re afraid of losing me,” Emily said softly.

”Then let’s get back together because we’re in love. Because we’re not going to hurt each other anymore. Look where it led us, Son. To this. To you thinking you had to leave your home for me. That’s so insane. I did that to you. I’m sorry, Em. I’m so sorry.”

”But you said I had to come out to everyone and I can’t do it Lindsey. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it just means I can’t do it yet.”

Lindsey turned towards Emily, their knees knocking on the small top step. She took Emily’s smaller hands in hers, studying them like she hadn’t seen them in ages. “You don’t have to, Em. I never should have said that. Just tell me that you’ll come to therapy with me?” Emily nodded. “And tell me you won’t hurt me again.”

”I won’t, Linds, I promise, but you said you can’t trust that I won’t put my family before you again.”

”Then tell me right now you won’t. Look me in the eyes and promise.”

”I promise,” Emily said softly, looking up at Lindsey shyly. 

”I know what I see in your eyes, Em. And I know what’s in your heart,” she said, placing her hand on Emily’s chest. Her heart was pounding and Lindsey watched Emily’s breath catch, her jaw clench. “Can we just stop hurting each other and love each other instead. Please. I don’t want to waste another day not making sure you know how much I love you.”

Emily nodded and Lindsey pressed their foreheads together. Emily reached up and caresses Lindsey’s face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

”Shhh. This trade is my fault. “I’m sorry too. We’re going to be ok. Tobin and Chris have done it for years. Ash and Ali did it. We’ll be ok.” Lindsey knew she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince Emily.

”Yeah?” Emily asked hopefully. “It’ll make our time together so much more special, right?” Lindsey nodded. “And in those 8 months, we’ll play each other three times. Plus more camps and Olympics. And we’ll both have byes so we can fly to see each other.”

”And when you’re out on suspension for a red, you can treat that like a bye and come see me,” Lindsey chuckled for the first time.

”Only if you promise to push any Thorn who is mean to me when we play each other. Even if it’s Tobin.”

”I promise to always defend you, Dasani,” Lindsey said, bringing a huge smile to Emily’s face. “Even from my own teammates. Even if the one you piss off next season _is_ Tobin.” And deep down, Lindsey knew it really would be Tobin to go off on Emily first, because Tobin hated the way Emily defended, all out of control and flailing. Lindsey leaned in and kissed Emily’s lips softly. “Once a Thorn, always a Thorn,” she whispered.


	47. A Sonny Sandwich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Christen and Kelley step in and say fuck depression.

“Have you changed your flight yet?” Lindsey and Emily were laying in bed in a hotel in Houston, the week of their preliminary Olympic qualifying matches. Unlike at camp earlier in the month, where the staff had seemingly assigned them polar opposites for their roommates, they were allowed to choose roommates this time - a rare occurrence. But everyone was relaxed, unworried about these three games. It wasn’t cockiness; it was confidence - in themselves and in their preparation. They all were aware that when they have to play Canada in California in February, the mood will certainly be different. But for now at least, they could relish in the peace of just being. And thanks to Emily’s trade, as if there was anything to be thankful about in that regard, Pinoe backed down and let them room together. She didn’t want them to. She didn’t care that the staff told them to sort it out amongst themselves - 20 players, 10 rooms - she still wasn’t ready to look past the incident that occurred last camp. But even though she thought it was a bad idea, one look in Emily’s eyes told her to let it go and let the couple spend whatever time they could together now, before they couldn’t anymore. Pinoe had a soft spot for the baby gays, and Christen and Tobin weren’t the babies anymore, so she was warming up to Emily and Lindsey’s relationship a little at a time.

Emily’s silence, as Lindsey rubbed her head, spoke volumes. They had been like this a lot lately - spending time alone, Lindsey always the one holding Emily, rubbing her head or her hand or her back, not saying much of anything. Lindsey didn’t know if it was a product of the trade or of what they had been through. She didn’t mind it that much, spending this silent time with Emily, it just worried her. It had been three weeks, and while Emily mostly put on a happy face around the team, in private, she was still struggling.

”You have to change it, Em,” Lindsey said softly. “You’re not flying back to Georgia. Either come back to Denver with me, or let’s go stay in our place in Portland. You’re going to have to pack it up anyway. Let me help you.” The last thing she wanted was Emily alone in that house having to pack up her stuff.

But Emily didn’t want to go back to Portland, didn’t think she could handle it. Not even with Lindsey. 

”They have movers for that,” Emily mumbled, turning away from Lindsey, but not _moving_ away. She still wanted Lindsey to hold her. “And it’s not our place,” she added sadly. “It’s too big for just you and Ellie. It’ll never be our place again.”

”Ok, maybe you’re right. But Portland _is_ still your second home. Our home. It always will be,” Lindsey promised her.

”Third home,” Emily corrected her.

”Em, Georgia isn’t your...” Lindsey decided it would be better just to drop it. Instead, she pulled Emily closer and kissed the back of her neck. “It’s gonna be ok, we’re gonna be ok,” she whispered into Emily’s hair, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. Emily was doing so much better now than she had been when she first arrived in camp - eating, able to shower on her own - but it hadn’t stopped Lindsey from showering with her every night since they had checked into this hotel, washing Emily’s hair, scrubbing her back, just breathing together under the hot water. It had become their thing every evening, their way to relax.

”I’ll just go back to Denver with you,” Emily conceded. “You can make that appointment with your therapist you’ve been wanting us to go to.” Emily figured that was the least she could do, since she had promised she would. She owed it to Lindsey to prove she could keep her promises.

With that, Emily closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, even though they were almost two hours away from their curfew. Even though Rose was choreographing another dance and Sam and Kelley had begged her to be part of it. Even though Alyssa and Becky had asked Emily to bring Lindsey and watch a movie in their room. Even though the entire team seemed hellbent on trying to keep Emily focused on the present instead of the future, and on keeping her spirits up. 

But she couldn’t sleep. Her mind just kept racing as she beat herself up for all the mistakes she had made - taking Lindsey home, coming out, choosing her family over the love of her life, all the things she said, asking to be traded. She knew she fucked up more than one person should ever be allowed to fuck up, and yet, Lindsey seemed... over it? But Emily couldn’t tell if it was really that Lindsey was over it, which she might be because she’s just that forgiving of a person, or if it was more that Lindsey was trapped in this state of focusing all of her energy on taking care of Emily. And the latter made Emily worry more - that when they finally had to go their separate ways, and Lindsey could breathe again, maybe she’d finally have the chance to reflect on everything that Emily had done wrong. And maybe then Lindsey would decide that she couldn’t do this anymore.

Emily was good at pretending she was asleep. She knew how to slow her breathing and relax her shoulders. She knew how to cuddle deeper into the bed at any sign of movement, making it seem like the movement disturbed her, but not enough to wake her. She knew how to keep her face neutral, almost peaceful, in spite of all that she was feeling - and that special skill she could thank her mother for. She had done it with Alyssa in camp, because she knew Alyssa wouldn’t stop holding her until she was asleep, and Emily knew how much Alyssa probably hated every minute of it. Just like she knew Lindsey probably hated every minute of hanging out in their depressing hotel room with her. So after awhile, when she felt Lindsey lift her arm and leg off of her body, she knew she did a good job pretending to be asleep. It was something to be proud of, something she had done right, because Lindsey could now go socialize with their friends. Without her.

* * *

Christen and Kelley cornered her at breakfast the morning of their first game against Haiti. She was mid-bite of oatmeal when they surrounded her, pulling out chairs on either side. Emily looked from one to the other and then put her spoon back in her bowl, sitting up straighter. 

“How you doing, Sonny?” Kelley asked cheerfully. “Ready for your big start tonight? Pressure’s on kid. Gotta get us to Tokyo!” And then she clapped in that loud annoying way, trying to pump Sonnett up.

Except it wasn’t a big start. It was Haiti. And it wasn’t like Emily hadn’t started a game wearing the crest before. She didn’t even crack a smile. Across the table, Lindsey’s face fell. 

”When you’re done, let’s go talk,” Christen said kindly. 

Emily pushed her chair back from the table. “I’m done.”

”No, finish eating Son. No rush,” Kelley said apologetically. 

”I’m not very hungry. Let’s get this over with.”

Lindsey eyed them, half thankful that someone was going to try talking to Emily about what was going on, and half annoyed that one of the someone’s was Kelley. As the threesome got up, Kelley, who noticed Lindsey staring at them, added, “You can come too, Horan,” really trying to make Lindsey feel more comfortable. But Lindsey shook her head. Christen was going to be there. Besides, she seriously needed to get over this. 

As soon as they were in her room, Emily collapsed on her bed, propping her head up on her hands and staring at the ceiling. Christen sat down on the bed next to her. Kelley went around to the other side. “Scoot,” she said, sounding annoyed as she pushed Sonnett into the middle. Then, with a self-satisfied grin, she added, “A Sonny Sandwich.”

Christen started. “We wanted to talk to you because we’ve both gone through what you’re going through. We still are. We know what it’s like to live a whole plane ride away from the person you love. I know you’re pretty bummed about being across the country from Lindsey...”

”But you need to get over it!” Kelley cut in.

”Kelley, that’s exactly what we talked about _not_ doing!” Christen raised her voice, actually a little bit angry. 

”What?” Kelley shot back. “It’s the truth. Listen, all you need to know is that the sex is going to be so much better when you miss each other and then get to see each other again. Like sooo. Much. Better.”

”Our sex life is amazing already,” Emily mumbled, unconvinced by Kelley’s argument.

”Ew, I don’t want to hear that,” Kelley groaned good-naturedly. “But trust me, however good it is now, it’s going to be better. Not seeing someone everyday, actually missing them, it just _does_ something to you. Right Chris?”

Christen rolled her eyes. “Yeah, she’s right, Son. You’ll see. There are definitely some advantages to spending time apart. I moved across the ocean from Tobin for my career. You’re a 5 hour flight away from each other.” Christen left out the part about her time away from Tobin only being for 3 months, not an entire season, because she figured that Emily would be able to see Lindsey way more in 8 months that she saw Tobin in 3.

Emily didn’t have the energy to bother arguing about the flights, but she had already looked. Flights between Portland and Orlando sucked. They were an average of seven and half to eight and a half hours in travel time, because of the time changes and layovers. She’d basically lose two days to travel every time she visited Portland. 

Christen interrupted her train of thought. “There’s something to be said for getting to be your own person still, Sonnett. You don’t want your identity to get lost in your partner, and when you’re around each other all the time, it’s easy to let that happen. Down the road, you two will be a lot stronger if you can figure out your separate identities now. I think that’s why Tobin and I are so good together. I don’t think that relationships that start when you’re as young as you two are can last if you don’t figure out how to be yourself separate from your partner first, you know?”

Emily nodded weakly. She didn’t know. She didn’t care to know.

“I’m not going to tell you it doesn’t suck,” Christen continued, “because there are times that it totally sucks. There are going to be times that you just want her there to hold you, times when hearing her laugh on the phone isn’t good enough, but you two have the rest of your lives to spend together. This is just for now. It’s not forever.”

”Besides,” Kelley jumped in, “the double expansion plus the draft next year would have split you two up anyway.”

Emily shook her head vehemently. “Mark would have protected Lindsey and Tobin, but no one was going to come after me. Not when they could get someone from Chicago or North Carolina. 

“Sonnett, you really don’t realize how good you are, do you?” Kelley asked sadly. “You’re probably going to take my spot for the Olympics, kid. You absolutely would have been poached.” Emily looked up at Kelley in disbelief, shock on her face as it registered with her what Kelley said. And that Kelley actually meant it. “You would have ended up in Sacramento, gross. Or Louisville, which ok whatever. But you’re getting to go to Orlando. You have family there. Ash and Ali will take care of you. You and Syd are like two peas in a pod. I know you love the Aussies. And Alex probably has never told you this, because she doesn’t want your head getting any bigger, but she loves you. And I know she’s genuinely happy to have you. She texted me as soon as she found out. You’re really gonna be ok, Em. This isn’t a bad deal.”

Just then, the door opened slightly and there was a knock as Lindsey peaked in. “Can I come in,” she asked timidly. Kelley waved her in and moved over to the other bed so Lindsey could curl up next to Emily. “I changed my mind,” she mumbled into Emily’s shirt.

”We were just telling her she’s going to be ok, that you both are,” Christen explained. “We both have done the long distance thing, and it’s not nearly as bad as you expect it to be.” Lindsey nodded silently. “Ok, we’ll leave you two alone. Love you both.” Christen wanted them to be able to have all the time together that they needed.

Christen walked towards the door but Kelley lingered, popping back over to where Emily was laying to whisper something in her ear before she headed to the door to follow Christen out. Turning back, “Hey Sonnett,” she called, waiting for Emily to roll over and make eye contact with her. “You’re going to kick ass tonight. I know it.” She said it with the utmost confidence, in a way that made it hard for Emily to doubt herself, with it coming from Kelley, and in a way that warmed Lindsey’s heart, even if it _was_ coming from Kelley. She mouthed “thank you” over Emily’s shoulder, and Kelley winked at her.

A few minutes after the door closed, Lindsey couldn’t take the pressure she felt in her chest. ”What did Kelley say to you?” she finally asked, even though she knew she shouldn’t. She half expected Emily not to answer her.

But Emily did, without even thinking twice about it. “She told me that if I couldn’t get out of this funk for myself, that I needed to do it for you. Because she said you’re hurting too and no one’s remembering to take care of you,” Emily said quietly. “I’m sorry, Linds.”

Fucking Kelley. Making it all hard for Lindsey to hate her. ”Baby, I’m ok. Tobin’s been checking in with me and kinda talking me through the distance thing. I’m sad, and of course I’m gonna miss you, but all I want to know is that you’re gonna be ok and then I’ll be ok too,” Lindsey told her. “I just want to see you smile again.” She took a chance and dug her fingers into Emily’s ribs where she was ticklish, and Emily couldn’t help by start laughing. 

“Stop,” Emily whined. “I hate it when you tickle me!”

Lindsey didn’t stop. She did the opposite of stop and doubled down on the tickling, digging the fingers of one hand into Emily’s hip, making her squirm more.

”That’s it, you’re going to regret that,” Emily croaked out between giggles. She flipped Lindsey over, rather easily, because Lindsey let her, and pinned Lindsey’s arms over her head. Lindsey didn’t regret it at all, as Emily straddled her, staring at Lindsey’s lips as she bit down on her own. She didn’t regret it one single bit as Emily leaned in, slowly, to kiss her. Except right at the last second, she ducked her head and attacked Lindsey’s neck, blowing farting noises into it. Over and over and over until both of their stomachs hurt so bad they were doubling over and collapsing into each other.

Just when Emily thought a silent truce had been called, Lindsey shouted “I regret nothing!” in her best Braveheart voice and started poking Emily’s legs with her toes and rubbing her bare feet all over Emily. 

“Ew! Get your feet off of me,” Emily cried, giggling all over again. 

“Shut up, you like it,” Lindsey insisted.

”I doooonnn’tttt,” Emily laughed unconvincingly. 

“Fine. Promise me you’ll paint my toenails and I’ll stop,” Lindsey proposed. “They’re chipping.”

”Fine. I promise, I promise,” Emily shook her head, finally able to breathe again as Lindsey backed off and wrapped her arms around Emily instead. 

“I love you, Dasani,” Lindsey said, pushing her head back into the pillow so she could look into Emily’s eyes. A little hint of that Sonnett sparkle was back. Barely, but it was there. It was a start. 

Emily pulled her hair out of its bun and ran her fingers through it, shaking it down around her shoulders the way she knew Lindsey liked it. “I love you, too,” she said softly, ducking down to kiss Lindsey for real this time. 

It was the first time in three weeks that Lindsey felt like she was getting Emily back. She let her hands fall to Emily’s hips, not squeezing this time, just resting lightly and letting Emily set the pace as their lips moved together. 

”Listen,” Emily said, pulling away, “I’m gonna get in on Rose’s new routine, but I’ve got a few minutes if you do.” She winked, drawing a big smile from Lindsey. 

Lindsey pulled her back, brushing her lips against Emily’s. “How bout you go learn that choreography, because you’re already behind I think, then come back and paint my nails, and we’ll take a nap. You heard Kelley, you have to be great tonight. She won’t forgive me if I exhaust you before the game.”

Emily’s face fell, just a little. 

“Then after the game tonight, if you’re not tired, we’ll pick up, right here.” Lindsey ran her tongue over Emily’s lips. She let hands creep up to Emily’s ass, squeezing gently. “We gotta take advantage of being able to room together, right?”

”You know I’m never tired,” Emily replied confidently. 

“I know. I’m counting on it.”


	48. Spiders and Sex Toys and a Snake, Oh My!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny moves to Orlando

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some banter. They’re ok. The trade is going to be ok.

  
“Im glad you’re not going to be living alone,” Lindsey said, carrying another box of Emily’s stuff up three flights of stairs.   


* * *

Emily and Lindsey had just spent a week UHauling all of Emily’s personal belongings across the country, with a little detour through Denver to spend a couple of days at Lindsey’s condo, and another stop in Georgia to pick up Emily’s car and to spend some time with Emma. And with Emily making UHaul jokes every chance she got. Lindsey had helped her pack up her belongings, glad that Emily finally decided, after a couple of sessions in therapy, that she could handle going back to Portland to say goodbye (for now) to her beloved city.  


This morning, the guys from the furniture store had delivered a new bedroom set and a couch, and Lindsey, for one, was thankful that the move meant Emily finally got rid of that damn inflatable couch. But Emily and her new roommates just had to have a view so they could “enjoy the Florida sunset,” and now Lindsey was exhausted from carrying all of the boxes of Emily’s crap. She sat down on Emily’s new bed, realizing that she never knew how sentimental Emily was, how much Emily had brought with her to Portland, until she had to box it and carry it all.  


* * *

Lindsey meant what she said.

Mostly.

She just wished that it  wasn’t Alanna that Emily was sharing an apartment with. Shelina didn’t bother her. But Alanna, tall and thin and tan, with that great accent... and gay... did bother her. A lot. She wasn’t going to say it; Emily needed all the support she could get down here. Still... Lindsey had been struggling ever since she found out about Kelley, and now, her mind was stuck wondering if Emily and Alanna had ever had a thing, maybe when Emily was in Australia. The two were pretty close. She could just outright ask, but...

But it was as if Emily could hear something in her voice, like Lindsey wasn’t good enough at hiding her anxiety. “What can I do so you’ll stop thinking I’m gonna cheat on you?” she asked, setting down a heavy box on her dresser with an equally heavy sigh. “I hate that you worry.I don’t know what I did to make you feel like this.I love you.More than anything.Clearly,” Emily added, referencing the fact that she hadn’t talked to anyone in her family other than Emma, since January. 

“It’s not you, Em.It’s nothing you did or didn’t do.” Lindsey’s eyes were downcast and she sounded sad.“He cheated on me.So many times.It’s like ingrained in me to worry.I’m sorry.”

“Do you think we can talk about it in therapy? Or you can, if you really don’t think it’s about me?” She was really starting to buy into this therapy stuff, and Lindsey was grateful for that. Lindsey nodded and Emily collapsed down on the bed next to her, dragging her girlfriend down with her so that they were lying next to each other. She kissed the top of Lindsey’s head. “Listen,” she said, trying to relieve some tension. “I have a type, you know.A very specific one.So you don’t have to worry.”

“And what type is that?” Lindsey tried playing along, as she snuggled under Emily’s chin, the way she liked to, when she was insecure.

“5’9.Blonde.” 

“Sounds a lot like one of your roommates,” Lindsey mumbled into Emily’s neck.

“But dyed.I don’t like natural blondes. They’re competition and I don’t like competition.”  


Lindsey laughed. “I can go back to my natural color if you want.”

”Unnecessary. I just like knowing _my_ blonde is superior. Also, I like midfielders, but ones who can’t play defense for shit. Not the versatile ones,” Emily joked.

“Hey now!” Lindsey grumbled.

“What? I can’t be with someone who might be able to take my spot. What did I just say about competition?”

“What else?”

“_Thighs.”_ Emily said, running her hand under Lindsey’s shorts and gripping her leg right where she was ticklish.“I love a girl with thick thighs.Thighs are my favorite.I’m not into boney girls.” Lindsey kinda knew this already; Emily’s hand was on her inner thigh any chance she got. But it was nice to hear.

“You’re boney!”

Emily scoffed as if that wasn’t her problem. “I don’t have to date me!That’s your problem.I want to be able to grab onto something.” And to demonstrate what she meant, she grabbed Lindsey’s hip and squeezed.“Like this. Or this,” she added, moving to Lindsey’s ass.

Alanna was pretty boney.It made Lindsey feel better. 

“Now, if you’re done worrying, I have something I need you to help me with.”

Emily got out of bed to the sounds of Lindsey protesting, and rummaged through her boxes.“Here!” she exclaimed excitedly, throwing a spool of fishing line, a roll of tape, and a bag of very realistic-looking spiders onto Lindsey’s lap.“We’re going to put these all over and terrorize the internationals.”

Lindsey shook her head, chuckling.“They’re going to hate you, you know that right?”

“They’re going to love me.Besides, I can’t sit around and wait to be hazed.Gotta get the drop on them. This never would have worked in Portland,” Emily continued. “But there are bugs all over this damn city. It’s the heat. They’re going to be screaming for weeks.”

”You do your dirty work, Son. I’ll start unpacking.”

Thirty minutes later, there was a spider hanging inside Alanna’s medicine cabinet, one under the handle of the toilet for the first person who flushed, one dangling right inside Alanna’s closet door and one on top of Shelina’s door, poised to fall as soon as she opened it.There was one in the utility closet that she was sure one of them would find, eventually, when they decided to clean something.And there were a half dozen others hidden in various places throughout the apartment that Emily hoped they didn’t find until after they moved their stuff in later in the week. Emily was pretty damn proud of herself. So proud that she thought she deserved a break, so she plopped down in the bed again.

Lindsey continued unpacking for a bit longer, but eventually just rummaged through Emily’s boxes, looking through the photo albums Emily had made, her sketch pad, the newspaper clippings she had saved. So many of them focused on Lindsey. They went back years. Emily watched her as she studied everything. “See? I’ve always loved you.”

”Obsessed is more like it,” Lindsey joked.

”Proud,” Emily said seriously. “I’ve always been so proud of everything you’ve accomplished, all the adversity you’ve fought through, Linds.”

Lindsey laid back down next to Emily again, tucking her flyaways, worse in the Florida humidity, behind her ear. “So, um, I haven’t found something, something I’ve been looking for, in your boxes,” Lindsey changed the subject. 

”Hmmm?” Emily asked, not paying much attention. 

”Our strap on.”  


”Oh, I put that in your drawer at your condo. Figured you’d take it back to Portland,” Emily said simply.  


“Well what are we going to use here?”

”Dunno. I mean, we don’t need one here too, do we?” Emily asked with a shrug.

”Um, yeah. We do.” Lindsey sounded emphatic. “We need to go get one.”

”Go get.” Emily laughed. _As if._   


”Seriously. I don’t want to wait for one to ship. And you know there’s probably some great sex toy shops in this city. We can do better than what I ordered online.”

”Oh my god. You’re serious?” Emily rolled over and propped herself up so she could look at Lindsey. 

Lindsey nodded.

”No, you’re crazy. We are not going into an adult toy store.” Emily was half laughing at the idiocy of it all, half terrified.

”Calm down, Sonnett. This city doesn’t know you yet. I want to go see them. So I can touch them.”

”Lindsey...” But Lindsey was already on her phone googling nearby stores and reading reviews. Emily dropped back down onto the bed, her mouth still agape, and now dry. “Can we go to the beach instead? Please?” She couldn’t decide if her mouth was dry because she was scared of going to an adult store, because she as dehydrated from all of the work they had done, or because she was secretly turned on, even if she as embarrassed.   


”Tomorrow,” Lindsey said dismissively, waving her hand.   


“Well, it has to be under the cover of darkness.

Lindsey laughed. “Less likely to be noticed?”   


”Exactly. So for now, let’s go see how much the food here sucks compared to Portland. Also, I need sheets.”

* * *

  
”God, Lindsey, we’re really doing this, huh?” Emily asked, wringing her hands.

”Yep, let’s go.” Lindsey stepped out of Emily’s car and took her hand confidently. 

Inside, Emily’s mouth dropped. There was an entire wall of nothing but vibrators. Another one of dildos and harnesses. A huge section of lubes, the reason for so many escaping Emily. Racks of lingerie. And things Emily would have preferred not to see. Lindsey looked at her and giggled. “What kind of a lesbian are you?”

”The kind whose tongue is good enough no one’s ever asked to use toys? Seriously, babe, am I not doing something right? Because I thought...”

”You’re better than good. Trust me. Your tongue is magic. I just like variety. I like to see you when I fuck you, so...” Lindsey said, pulling Emily along unfazed, until Emily planted her feet in the middle of the store, as if she were stuck in quicksand, and Lindsey was forced to turn around. 

“Why are you so... so... at ease with this? Have you been in one of these before?” 

”Maybe,” Lindsey winked and all of a sudden Emily wished she hadn’t asked, because the thought of Lindsey in an adult store with Russell was _ew_. And yet, she wanted to know more.

”For what?” she asked, her feet working again and Lindsey dragged her to the back wall. 

”Things,” Lindsey replied coyly.

”Like?”

”Handcuffs, and well, other things. Trust me, you don’t want to know. Just know his tongue was no where near as good,” Lindsey tried to assure her.

”Oh my God.” Emily decided right then to drop it. And she thought she probably understood what Lindsey felt when she found out Emily and Kelley had been fucking. She wanted to burn the thought of Lindsey and Sam and toys right out of her brain. So she focused on Lindsey’s ass in her very cute, very short cutoffs instead, and Lindsey’s shoulders and triceps in her tank top. Florida heat at least came with that benefit.  
  
A saleswoman walked up to them, and sweetly quietly asking what they were looking for. Lindsey answered her question, and all of her follow-up questions, without hesitation, sliding her hand into Emily’s back pocket. Emily tried focusing on the feeling of Lindsey’s hand on her ass instead of the conversation happening in front of her. But as the saleswoman led them forward, pulling several items off the wall, she felt her face turning hot and red.

“You can go try them on, you know,” the associate said, pointing to a fitting room. Emily’s blush deepened. 

“Perfect!Thanks,” Lindsey replied cheerfully, dragging Emily behind her. 

“I... I don’t think this is necessary,” Emily stammered, as Lindsey helped the harness up around her hips and tried out another dildo.

Lindsey stood behind Emily, resting her chin on Emily’s shoulder and wrapping her arms around Emily’s stomach.“This one looks so real.I like it. With the leather harness.” She was already picturing what Emily was going to look like, with nothing but this on tonight, her reward for climbing 3828643 stairs today.   


”I feel like I should be bothered that you want the one that looks real. You know, since you were straight like 6 months ago?”

”Closeted. Secretly in love with my best friend. Certainly not straight. Are you bothered by it though?” Lindsey asked, biting at Emily’s neck and running her hand up under Emily’s shirt. 

Emily stared at herself for a moment. It looked ridiculous with clothes on, but if it was what Lindsey wanted... “No, I guess I’m not. But, um, I need to see what you’re going to look like in it. Before we can commit to buying it.” _ Fair was fair, after all right_?

”_Need_ to, huh?” Lindsey laughed, undoing the buckles and sliding it down so she could try it on, and Emily just shrugged.   


Emily sat back on the bench as Lindsey adjusted the harness. Ok, so maybe it didn’t look that ridiculous with clothes on after all. Maybe it was very much possible to picture what Lindsey would like like wearing it _without_ clothes on. “It’ll do,” she said, trying not to sound too excited.   


In agreement, they both exited the fitting room, only to find the associate waiting right outside for them. “One more thing to consider,” she said, handing another toy to Lindsey. “It’s a double dildo, so you don’t have to wear a harness. And it has a vibrator. Five speeds.”

”Does it- does it- you know- actually stay in?” Emily choked out as she reached a timid finger out to touch it. It was velvety.   


The sales associate nodded. “It also has a copper wire, so you can bend this end into any position you want.  


Emily gulped.

Lindsey tested its flexibility out.

Lindsey turned to look at Emily’s face, a mixture of embarrassment and excitement. “Wanna get this instead?” she asked.

Emily nodded enthusiastically. Then thinking about it, added, “I mean, if you do. It’s up to you.”

”We’ll take it!” Then turning back to Emily she asked, “Wanna go pick out something for me to wear while we’re here?”

Emily pulled Lindsey to her so she could whisper in her ear. “Whatever it is is just going to end up on the floor, so seems like a waste.”

”Suit yourself,” Lindsey shrugged.

* * *

_  
Three days later, nearly 1am EST_

**  
Linessi**: I’m going to fucking kill you, Sonnett!!!

**My Sonny**: Glad you made it back home safely, babe.

**Linessi**: Seriously? Look at this!

A picture of Lindsey’s suitcase flipped over and everything scattered, a very realistic looking snake in the middle of it all, followed.

**My Sonny**: My pièce de résistance 😉

**Linessi**: Just fucking wait til you’re here next month. Payback’s a bitch, baby.

**My Sonny**: You won’t even be able to think up anything that’s worthy of my level of trickery.

**Linessi**: You underestimate me.

**My Sonny**: I love you.

**Linessi**: I love you, too.

**My Sonny**: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let that snake bite. 

**Linessi**: 🖕


	49. The Ghost of (Christmas) Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going back to Portland was never going to be easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe I took some CONCACAF details and applied them to Shebelieves. Because I can. Also, no proofreading took place. None.

  
Emily doesn’t want to go back. She thought she wanted to. She was wrong. She absolutely doesn’t. 

She can’t. 

Well, she should rephrase that. She doesn’t _feel_ like she can. Not that she has a choice. It’s too late to get a red card so she can sit out. She should have thought about that earlier. Last week. At their last game. 

But she _needs_ to see Lindsey. Needs to see her as much as she _doesn’t_ want to be in Portland. She _should_ be excited about this. She feels guilty that she’s _not_ excited about this. 

It’s the thought of seeing everyone else, her former teammates. Of seeing all of the places that were hers. And hers and Lindsey’s. Those thoughts are causing her chest to tighten and her breathing to become shallow, and she knows she’s on the verge of another panic attack. She thought she was over these.

She’s not. She tries to think about Bagel. Bagel would be able to calm her down right about now.

* * *

Ali had convinced her when she first got to Orlando that she needed a puppy to take her mind off of everything she was going through. She dragged Emily to a pet shelter three times before Emily found the perfect puppy - a little Australian Cattle Dog, one of a litter of six, who had been dumped in an abandoned field of junk.

Sonny thought all six of them were perfect when she saw them, but Bagel - she named her Bagel - was the one who sat back and observed when Emily went into the puppy pen. There were puppies crawling all over her, puppies wanting scratches and belly rubs, and one who kept tugging with razor sharp puppy teeth on the laces of Emily’s spotless adidas shoes. But Bagel sat back, eyes bright, ears alert, head cocked to the side. It didn’t seem to Emily that she was overwhelmed by the craziness of her litter mates, but rather that she wanted to take Emily in, size her up, see what she was about. She seemed smart, when the others were just playful. And in her eyes, Emily saw an old soul. She felt a connection to this puppy that she still can’t put into words.  
  
Ali’s idea was a good one, Emily thinks. She loves Bagel. Bagel fills a void left by Lindsey. Bagel provides her with unconditional love, and that’s certainly something she needs right now. Puppy kisses that make her laugh, that wipe away her tears, make the puppy breath worth it. And it gives her something to do, forces her to get out of the apartment and go on walks and to the beach, even though it’s a drive, and to the park to play fetch. Bagel’s so good for her, Emily can’t imagine getting through this without her. Alanna and Shelina are fine, and Emily enjoys terrorizing them and making TikToks with them. Ali has been the absolute best at making her feel welcomed and at home in Orlando. She couldn’t have handled it without Ali. But nothing comforts her like Bagel when the sound of Lindsey’s voice through the phone just isn’t enough.

* * *

Emily is on the verge of another panic attack as the plane descends into Portland. She knows the landscape so well, having flown in and out of the city too many times to count. Syd must notice a change in her, because she immediately slips into the middle seat and grabs Emily’s hand, trying to calm her. It doesn’t help much. 

”Where’s your phone, Sonny?” she asks calmly, realizing she doesn’t have Lindsey’s number. Emily’s eyes dart to the seatback pocket. Syd takes her phone and points it towards Emily’s face to unlock it. “Smile!” she says happily, trying to break Emily’s focus on whatever is causing her to panic. The phone unlocks. 

**My Sonny** _: Hey, Linds. It’s Syd. We’re gonna be landing soon. Don’t panic, but I think you should meet us as the airport and pick up your girl. She needs you._

Lindsey isn’t even awake yet, having fallen asleep late last night, well early this morning, actually, after having cleaned her entire apartment top to bottom. For Emily. Because she knows how much Emily appreciates everything in its place and a place for everything. Her phone buzzes on her nightstand, startling her awake. 

_Don’t panic?!?_ she thinks. _How could I not panic_? _Emily’s probably panicking._

That means Lindsey is panicking. 

* * *

They had been doing so well dealing with the trade. Granted, that was probably because they spent part of February moving Sonny to Florida, and a good chunk of March together in camp and playing in the Shebelieves Cup, so they hadn’t been apart much, but still... It had been fun and light, flirty and, well, hot. And things had been good. So good. 

They spent their free time sneaking around, fucking quickly in the shower after games or sexiling Rose from the room she shared with Emily in the mornings before training. Rose would be forced to wander down to the hotel lobby around 8:30, and Alyssa, slouching in a chair as she drank her coffee and did her crossword, would just laugh knowingly. Rose was forced to read. A book. Every morning. Until Lindsey would sidle up to the hotel coffee bar around 9:30, hoodie pulled up, darkening her face, signifying it was safe for Rose to return to her room. 

No one harassed them about it, not at first at least. Not Rose, not Kelley. Tobin, Christen, and Alyssa actually seemed relieved that things were going so well between them. Pinoe had backed off of them. Ali had embraced her new Pride teammate like her own child. Things were running smoothly. 

But when the photos came out from the trophy presentation at the the Shebelieves Cup, the teasing began. And didn’t stop. 

It started with a text from Alex in the group chat. She had pulled a photo off of the Team USA insta - a photo of the team posing in celebration up on the stage after beating Japan, completing a clean sweep of three games. A photo that showed everyone in the first row with their hands on their knees. Their _own_ knees. Except for Lindsey and Sonnett. Alex had circled their hand placement and placed emojis around Emily’s hand, so high on Lindsey’s thigh. The next text that came in included a picture of the couple looking lovingly at each other, and Alex had added hearts between the two of them, and blackened out Kelley’s grinning face above. The third text that came in included stills from God-only-knew-where Alex had grabbed them, of Sonny holding Lindsey’s hand. It was followed by a flurry of actual text from Alex.

**Janice**: What the fuck, you two?   
It’s getting a little too obvious now, don’t ya think?   
Like, get a room.  
Or confess your undying love for each other already.   
That look from Serv is what got me pregnant, Son.

It was then that they realized Alex had no idea that they were actually together, because Alex hadn’t been around enough.

**Uncle**: Who’s gonna break it to her?

**Janice**: Break what to who? Me?

**Worm 1**: How’s it feel to be the last to know?

**Janice**: Fuck you, Kelley.   
I’m first in goals and that’s all that matters.   
But seriously. Know what?   
You guys!!

**Rosie**: Sonnett and Lindsey are fucking!

**Sonny**: Rose, wtf?

**Rosie**: Well you are! 

**Janice**: Like for real, for real? I was kidding.

**Claire**: For real, for real. I had to hear them while I was trying to shower after the England game. 

**Sonny**: That wasn’t me. That was Lindsey.  
I told you you couldn’t be quiet.

**The Great Horan**: Not my fault you’re good with your hands. Or fingers I guess.

**Janice**: Ew! My virgin ears.

**Worms 1**: stfu U know exactly what that’s like. Tell them who caught us.

**Janice**: I’m leaving this group chat.

**Alyssa**: Can’t. You created it. You’re stuck having to know all that we know now. 

**Cat Lady**: Why haven’t I heard this story?  
Who caught you?

**Janice**: Um, I feel contractions coming on.   
Think I need to go lie down.   
Goodnight, ladies!   
...  
Wait, who made the first move?

**The Great Horan**: That was all Sonnett

**Janice**: Awww. Good job Sonny! Cuties!

The teasing from Alex seemed to open the door to good-natured teasing from the whole team. And truthfully, it was good for Emily’s soul especially, to feel that love and acceptance from everyone. Because as much as she blushed, Emily understood teasing as a love language.

But then the NWSL season kicked off and Emily had to face the reality that, as much as Ali loved her, and tried to make her feel like she belonged, with their own center back handshake, she really wasn’t going to be playing with Lindsey anymore. She started having panic attacks... but Lindsey was under the impression that Emily was doing better. Bagel was making things better. And Ali was always with Emily and texting Lindsey updates. Emily was supposed to be better... 

It was Lindsey who had thought she was the only one struggling, avoiding friends and teammates, even Tobin. Ordering in because going out was too much for her to handle alone, and cooking, well Emily was the only one who was good at that. But they FaceTimed so much of the day, and night, and Emily hadn’t mentioned a panic attack in a couple of weeks. Neither had Ali...

* * *

Lindsey jumps into her slides, not bothering to change out of her Thorns sweats that she had fallen asleep in, and grabs her keys. On the way to the airport, she texts Ali, afraid that Emily has her phone back and not wanting her to feel bad about panicking Lindsey. 

**  
Horan**: How is she? What’s wrong?

**Ali**: ...

Who? 

**Horan**: SONNY

**Ali**: Oh I don’t know. Why?

**Horan**: Syd said I need to come pick her up.

From the airport.

What’s wrong with her?

**Ali**: I don’t know. I can’t see her.

**Horan**: jfc Al, get up!

**Ali**: Can’t. Seatbelt sign is on.   
I’m sure she’s fine.

Well she’s been talking about not wanting   
to go back to Portland. But she’s fine.

  
Lindsey knows what it’s like to have a panic attack on a plane. Everything is magnified, compared to one down on the ground. At least on the ground, you feel like you have somewhere you can escape to. All Lindsey can think about as she weaves in and out of traffic is that Emily didn’t tell her. Didn’t tell her she was dreading being back in Portland. She told Ali, but she didn’t feel like she could tell Lindsey. 

Lindsey runs into baggage claim frantically. She spots Emily in all gray sweats and a cap pulled low, slumped over in a chair, her Pride teammates in their Pride gear gathered around the baggage belt. She still hasn’t accepted the purple. In an instant, she’s next to Emily, kneeling beside her, her hand on Emily’s knee. Emily’s reaction to her is slow, as if she can’t process what’s going on. “Baby,” Lindsey whispers. There’s no need to whisper, really. Everyone knows. The whole league knows by now. But the airport doesn’t know. Emily blinks at her and furrows her brow, deep wrinkles appearing on her forehead. Ash rolls Emily’s bag over. “Come on,” Lindsey says, standing and pulling Emily up with her. “Let’s go home.” Emily looks like she’s about to protest. 

”We don’t train til 5,” Ali says reassuringly. “You’ve got time.”

They barely make it to Lindsey’s car before she wraps Emily up in the tightest hug she can manage. “Hey, I know you’re worried about the game tomorrow, but breaking me is cheating,” Emily jokes, and a wave of relief washes over Lindsey. Emily hugs her back just as hard.

Emily’s ok. She’s going to be ok. 

”What happened back there?” Lindsey asks cautiously, as she opens the door for Emily.

”Fucking panic attack,” Emily says turning away to look out the window, embarrassed. But seeing all the familiar sights doesn’t make it any better. 

”Avo toast will make it better,” Lindsey suggests, trying to sound upbeat. “Let’s go to our place.”

”Can you just make it for me?” Emily mumbles. “I don’t feel like going anywhere.”

”Sure. But you’re gonna have to help. I’m not good at it like you are.”

And then she back to worrying Lindsey again. Emily doesn’t respond. And they ride in silence for awhile. Until they turn on Burnside, and it’s just too much for Emily. She feels like she about to hyperventilate.

_Voodoo Donuts_

_Powell’s_

Lindsey grabs her hand and doesn’t let go.

_Chipotle_

_Northwest_

Emily knows if she just turns her head to the left, Providence Park is right there. Instead, she just keeps staring out the passenger window, and sees Lindsey’s likeness painted on the window of the gear shop.

If Lindsey would keep going, they’d get to Starbucks.

If she would turn right, they’d be at Thai Bloom! in a few blocks.

Lindsey turns left onto her street. They’re at her building in a matter of seconds, and Emily feels like she can breathe again. It’s not home, not like their place was last year, but it’s Lindsey’s home and that’s good enough for her.

Lindsey carries Emily’s bag up the stairs. Once inside, Emily laughs, audibly. “How long did it take you to get it this clean?”

”What?” Lindsey tries to sound incredulous. “I live with my place this clean, now that I don’t have you three messing it up all the time.”

”Fucking liar,” Emily laughs and wraps Lindsey in the best bear hug she can manage. “I see your place all the time when we’re talking. How long?”

”All fucking night!” Lindsey moans. “I cleaned all fucking night and didn’t go to bed til 4 am.”

Emily laughs against her chest, and Lindsey pulls back, just enough to tip Emily’s chin up and kiss her. Her lips are soft and the kiss is healing. 

”We can nap then,” Emily promises. “After breakfast.” She walks into Lindsey’s kitchen. “Toast the bread? I’ll make the eggs.”

”Um...” Lindsey hesitates. 

Emily spins around to look at her. “Oh my God, you still don’t have a toaster?” Lindsey shrugs and Emily shakes her head, showing her disappointment in Lindsey’s poorly-stocked kitchen. “Broil baby,” she shrugs and heads to the oven, assuming Lindsey still doesn’t know how to do that either.

They eat, curled up on the couch under a blanket instead of at the table, and Lindsey thinks the food tastes better than any avo toast they ever had at a restaurant in Portland together. She knows it only tastes better because Emily made it. And because they’re holding hands as they eat. It’s two of a thousand things she misses.

Like messing up Emily’s perfectly organized shoes.

Like Emily’s frat boy inflatable couch, which provided a different... feel... when fucking. And easy cleanup. 

Like Emily’s stupid party tricks that she pulls out anytime anyone is around, even if it’s not a party. She has a whole repertoire of card tricks and magic tricks, she knows every college drinking game. She was the light of every gathering and now that light has faded. 

Like the clothes sharing they were always doing, even though Lindsey dwarfs Emily’s smaller frame. It got so bad they couldn’t even remembers whose clothes were whose when Emily packed up to move. But now Lindsey misses wearing Emily’s clothing, clothes that smell like her. 

Like the cute pictures they’d take all around town and then print for their own collage, which has now been moved to cover Lindsey’s bedroom wall. 

Like watching Emily dance in the locker room before every single training.

Like having Emily to pass with and juggle with during warmups. 

Like knowing that while she’s stretching out her hips and groin before a game, Emily would have been completely distracted and checking out Lindsey’s ass.

Like having Emily stand over her protectively when she goes down. Like what happened last weekend when Chappy slid into her ankles from behind, and instead of instantly fearing that she might be out for the Olympics, she immediately felt vulnerable, knowing Emily wasn’t screaming at someone to kick the ball out of bounds, wasn’t protecting her from being stomped on. It’s illogical, she knows, but it doesn’t matter.

Like their handshake. Every fucking game she has to play without doing their handshake breaks Lindsey’s heart a little more. And it’s compounded by the fact that Emily has a handshake with Ali now. Lindsey should feel better about it, for Emily’s sake. But she doesn’t.

The loss is hard. And there’s nothing for Lindsey to fill that void.   
  


Emily clears their plates and pulls Lindsey up off the couch. “I didn’t really sleep at all last night,” she confesses. “Let’s go nap.” It’s what they both need at the moment. Physical touch. Security. Comfort. Sleep. Peace.

”You know there are people who want to see you while you’re here, right?” Lindsey murmurs against Emily’s neck as she drifts in and out of sleep. “Sinc. And Ellie. They miss you.”

”We’ll see,” Emily says non-committaly. She loves them - both - but she doesn’t know if she’s up to it. 

* * *

Lindsey drives Emily to Providence Park for Pride training a few hours later, kissing her for as long as she can before she lets Emily get out of the car. She wants to make what is about to be really difficult a little easier for Emily. Lindsey would walk Emily in if she could. Instead, she sits in her car and watches as Emily stands out front on the sidewalk. She looks so small in front of the backdrop of the huge entrance. She looks so out of place in purple. She watches Emily freeze, look up, take it all in, then look up even higher into the sky as if she’s begging her God for the strength to move. She watches Emily take one step forward. Two. And then she watches Emily turn around, eyes searching for Lindsey. And Lindsey is right there, still in her parking space. Waiting. Worrying.

Emily comes back and gets in the car. “I can’t,” she says shaking her head, her fists balled tightly. “Can’t go back in.”

Lindsey gets out and rounds the car, opening Emily’s door and reaching a hand out like a lifeline. “Come on, I got you.”

Emily looks at Lindsey’s hand, and then her eyes. “Marc can fucking bench me, I don’t care.”

”Baby,” Lindsey says softly, kindly. She grabs Emily’s hand and pulls her up. 

“You can’t walk me in,” Emily argues.

”Watch me,” Lindsey replies defiantly. “What are they going to do?”

”Marta might beat you up.”

”I can lift Marta with one hand,” Lindsey says confidently. “They can all fuck right off if they have a problem with it.”

Through the front entrance, Emily immediately turns left, and Lindsey has to pull her, gently, towards the visitors’ side. Emily’s head drops so Lindsey doesn’t see the tears threatening to spill over, but she’s not quick enough. Lindsey wraps an arm around Emily’s shoulders and pulls her close as they walk. 

”I don’t need to change. I have my stuff. Can you just go to the field with me?” Emily asks, trying to bypass the locker room, where her teammates presumably are. 

Lindsey nods, and within a few seconds, they’re stepping out onto the turf. The so-familiar turf that Emily hated playing on but loved so much at the same time.

Emily walks towards the center circle, eyes wide, head spinning as she moves. Memories come flooding back. It’s like she can hear the chants, the clapping, the non-stop drums. She can visualize the wall of scarves and banners and flags, the rainbow of colors popping against the red and black shirts. She drops to her knees, little balls of rubber digging in. She’s never understood how Lindsey wears her socks so low playing on turf. She’s not even sliding right now and it hurts. But the physical pain takes some of the edge off.

She gets a minute to sit and take it all in with Lindsey in silence before her Pride teammates start filing out. They look at Emily, and especially Lindsey, but don’t react much at all. They get it. They’ve seen Emily at her happy, charming best. But they’ve also seen her when she breaks down. They give the couple their space. But both women know that Lindsey has to leave. “Pick me up?” Emily asks. “Two hours?”

”Baby, don’t you need to spend time with your team? I don’t want you getting in trouble, but I’m sure you have a dinner and meetings...”

”I don’t care.” Emily knows it’s not professional. But she really doesn’t care and she really doesn’t see any potential consequences. Vlatko doesn’t even like Marc, so it’s not like Marc is going to be able to give Vlatko a ring and talk shit about her lack of professionalism. Maybe she really should be professional, because this was her doing, but professionalism is flying out the window the longer she has to be in the stadium she never thought she’d leave, with the woman she never thought she’d be separated from. So really, at that moment, it doesn’t matter to her if she requested the trade or the trade was forced upon her; it feels the same. “Please,” Emily says, and it’s almost begging. 

There’s no way Lindsey can say no. “I’ll get Thai Bloom! for us?” she asks, and Emily nods. “And maybe we can see Sinc and Ellie in the morning.” She leans forward, hand brushing Emily’s shins, to kiss her softly on the lips again. “Two hours,” she repeats before getting up. On the way out, most everyone from the Pride stops her to talk or for a hug. No one seems bothered. It’s the beauty of the league, that they can compete for 90 minutes on the field and then all get along the rest of the time. When Lindsey gets back up to the main level, she creeps forward towards the seats and sees Ali lifting Emily up off the turf, and she reminds herself, for the 100th time, that Emily’s going to be ok. 


	50. ... always a Thorn.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily’s welcomed back to Providence Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s see if I can write some soccer.

Stepping out onto the turf at Providence Park in purple is something Emily never thought she’d do.Seeing Emily across the field, on the wrong side, is something Lindsey never thought she’d experience.It pains them both.

Equally maybe.

Emily’s pregame warmup is consumed by a focus on the knot in her stomach, painfully tightening, and the lump in her throat making it hard to swallow. She hasn’t felt like this since back before she was a regular starter on the National Team, since before she solidified her place not just on the roster, but in the first XI, with wicked good performances in the Shebelieves Cup. At least that’s what Lindsey tells her. And what Kelley tells her. Emily can’t help but think that it’s because Kelley’s ankle still isn’t 100%. And that Kelley’s ankle _will_ be 100% by the time they hit the ground in Tokyo.

Lindsey’s pregame warmup is consumed by her attention being pulled back and forth between Emily’s scrunched up eyebrows and the Riveters slowly filing into the stands.She feels a hollow pit in her stomach, more than a pain.And she tries to preoccupy her mind by visualizing herself scoring.Except that’s hard, because 4 games in, plus preseason, she’s yet to score a goal, and its causing her to flash back to the 2019 season, when she thinks she downright sucked. 

Lindsey doesn’t even think she _wants_ a goal today, not if it means beating Emily on the dribble.Or in the air.Or on a run in behind her as she commits to the ball. Not if it means Emily losing her first game back in Providence Park.Because as ok as things were last night in bed, and this morning when they had brunch with Tiff and Sinc, and  this afternoon when Ellie came over and hung out, Lindsey doesn’t think she can handle seeing the sadness in Emily’s eyes, her bottom lip, protruding - as cute as it is - trembling as she tries to hold back the tears of disappointment, the overwhelming emotion that will come with Emily blaming herself. Lindsey can’t think of a single other time in her career that she has wanted to  _not_ win so badly. She’d happily lose a damn game to see a genuine smile on her girlfriend’s face.

The starting lineup is announced, and Emily swears the roar of the crowd verges on deafening when her name is announced. She squints up into the stands, deep wrinkles forming on her forehead.Is she imagining it?Are they really cheering?That loudly?For her?She leans forward to look at Lindsey across the center stripe.Lindsey, who’s not looking at her, but who _is_ beaming.They told themselves last night that they would have to maintain some semblance of professionalism for over 2 hours.The world doesn’t know.Emily wants to keep it that way. But it’s so hard. Especially thinking about the bet they made, about the things she’s going to get to do to Lindsey if she wins. Or hell, what Lindsey’s going to do to her if Lindsey wins. Either way, Sonnett _knows_ she winning tonight. 

The Pride move past the Thorns starters, high-fiving player after player.Sinc sets the tone, shucking Emily’s hand for a full hug as she passes.Lindsey follows suit, it suddenly not perceived as awkward, not giving anyone in the stands an opportunity to assume they’re more than friends.Ellie hugs her.Tobin hugs her.With each hug, the knot in Emily’s stomach untangles a little more.

They break.Emily hangs back to take a few extra sips of water, trying to push that lump down, before jogging out on the field towards Ali.But Lindsey’s voice, carrying above the non-stop tenor of the stadium catches her ear.“Sonny!”

Emily turns to see Lindsey standing in the center circle, too far away.Lindsey raises her arms.A long-distance handshake is better than no handshake.Lump dissolved, knot completely unwound, sinking feeling gone.They’re both ok.Emily takes a couple of high, knee-to-chest jumps, readying herself, staring down Lindsey, who stands over the ball. Game on.

On the ensuing kickoff, Lindsey’s ball goes straight to Sonnett. Sonnett’s first touch brings it down, dropping it expertly at her feet.With a quick hip check a al Becky, Sonnett’s second touch takes her around a speedy incoming Sophia Smith.That Sophia Smith.The Sophia Smith that the Thorns got off of Sonnett’s trade.The trade that she requested.The trade that only a handful of people _know_ she requested.

Sixteen minutes in, the crowd goes silent.  At first Sonnett  doesn’t even notice it. But then she doesn’t believe her ears. It’s like a dream almost, to be able to hear her own heartbeat in her ears at Providence Park. As the ball rolls out of play and she jogs to pick it up, Sonnett turns and looks behind her into the the Riveters’ section. She’s not imagining it. They’re silent. Their drums are silent. They have been for nearly a minute now. Once the ball has left her hands and she’s back on the pitch, the din returns. At first she can’t make it out. But once her ears stop ringing, she hears it.Clearly. Even though all she catches is the tail end.“Oh how we want her back in Rose City, when Sonnett comes marching in.”

It’s not her own chant, not the Harry Potter theme she wanted; they simply reworded one for her. And she’ll never get to hear it again; she _is_ the enemy now, after all.But when she rewatches the game on her flight back to Orlando a few days later, it’s loud enough that she can hear it through her AirPods.All of the Riveters, in unison, the full crowd joining in on the second round.The replay is when Emily realizes the Riveters went silent at the 16 minute mark for exactly 60 seconds.It’s the smallest gesture, but it warms Emily’s heart while simultaneously increasing the guilt she feels.As if letting Lindsey down wasn’t enough, she let an entire city down as well, it seems. But in that instant, as the chant ends, Emily turns around, breath taken away in the best way possible, a new lump forming in her throat, but the best kind possible, and she looks up into the stands, her heart is swelling.She gives the Riveters a shy wave.They roar their approval.She fights back tears. She spins back around to see Lindsey frozen in place, staring up into the stands, as if she’s accomplished something magical.And the truth is, she has.A miracle, really, though she’ll never let Emily know it. Never let her know that she met with the Riveters and begged them,  _begged_ them to make tonight special for Sonny.Her eyes fall from the stands and back to Sonny’s.She’s couldn’t smile any bigger if she tried.

As the ball is played back into the Pride’s defensive third and Lindsey nears Sonnett, she whispers “They still love you,” as she makes a show of bumping Sonny’s shoulder, trying to get open.As the ball deflects off of Shelina and out for a Thorns corner, Lindsey backs up into Sonnett.“I love you more, though,” she says quietly.It’s only loud enough for Emily to hear.Emily smiles.

Smiles because she knows it.

Smiles when she says, “I love you, too.”

Smiles as she presses against Lindsey, as if she has any chance of marking Lindsey in the air.

Smiles because she knows Lindsey is just trying to throw her off her game. 

They battle, back and forth, until the waning minutes of the first half.Lindsey collects the ball off of an errant clearance from Ash that lands between the center circle and the 18.She’s Alanna’s to mark there.Lindsey takes her on, has Alanna on her heels, then cuts back hard, putting the ball on her favored right foot and she launches a banger back across the goal into the upper 90.Ash has no chance.It takes every ounce of restraint Emily has to not pump her fist in the air in excitement for Lindsey.She yells.An exceptionally loud “Fuck!” choosing to leave out the “yes” that she really, really wants to add.It’s not that Emily wants to lose.She doesn’t.At all.She wants to walk out of the stadium with her head held high.But more than she want success for herself or her new team, she wants Lindsey to know how good she is.Lindsey’s self-worth is still so strongly tied to soccer.Emily knows how much it means to her to put that first one away this season, how much it will mean to her going to Tokyo in form. Emily hears the familiar one goal beyond coming from the stands behind her, and she has to bite her lip to hide her smile.

Halftime is a blur. A chunk of the second half is a blur to Emily as well.Until the 60 minute mark, when she plays a ball to Alanna in the middle, and Alanna splits two defenders to find her Aussie teammate making a diagonal run into the box. Em slots it home, low and to the corner, out of AD’s reach.They’re back in it, and suddenly, Emily wants this, badly, for the people who have surrounded her with love.She turns on another gear, tracking back, tackling balls away, but pushing higher up the field. 

Minutes later, she’s sliding to knock the ball away from Tobin. The booing begins. It doesn’t sting the way Emily thought it would. The tackle is clean, she knows this. It was from the side, and she made contact with the ball first before Tobin tumbled over her. Before Tobin can even pull herself up off the turf, Lindsey is there, standing between them.Just in case. Because Tobin is already frustrated having been shut down all night, frustrated that they’re tied with the Pride.And Tobin is fiery now, yelling at the ref for the no-call.But she doesn’t direct any of it towards Emily. Yet.

85 minutes in, and it’s looking like a tie. The Thorns are frustrated, they should be beating Orlando. Tobin’s body language is as telling as her yelling is. Lindsey is still playing box to box, not knowing what it means to slow down. Sinc is trying to keep the team motivated. But Sonnett’s voice is louder than everyone, and she’s playing like it’s the first minute of the game still. Her boundless energy, her never-day-die mentality, are both rubbing off on her team.  


Sonnett hits Riley in stride as she makes a run up the right flank. Sonnett continues to press up the field. Ali beats one player and squares it into Em. Kling’s there and Em can’t turn. She looks for a pass, finds Sonnett on the drop. Sonnett takes one touch, looks up, sees Syd making a run into the box, and feeds her in the air. A perfectly placed ball that makes contact with Syd’s head before AD can get there. Sonnett watches it bounce into the back of the net, points at Syd, and then turns around with a small smile and jogs back to her spot. It’s almost over. If they can just hang on...

The goal seems to light a fire under the Thorns, especially Tobin, who is now more determined than ever to do this on her own. Sonnett sees it in her eyes, and she starts cheating over towards Riley’s side, motioning for Kriegs to cover for her. In the 91st minute, Lindsey slots a perfect ball out to Tobin, who cuts in on the dribble, beating Riley. But Sonnett’s there, turning on her afterburners to hit that recovery run speed which always seems to be just a little faster than she can ever replicate at training. She watches the ball, not diving in. Ignores Tobin’s feet. Ignores Tobin’s hips. Tobin can’t shake her. Can’t get around her. Tobin dribbles into Sonnett; Sonnett stands her up. Tobin dribbles out of bounds, falling in the process, trying to draw a foul in the box. Her pleas are ignored. The boos rain down, louder this time. The crowd doesn’t like to lose any more than Tobin does. Sonnett sticks out her hand to help Tobin to her feet. Tobin slaps it away, getting up on her own, getting in Sonnett’s face. Yelling. Sonnett doesn’t move an inch, doesn’t flinch, and before anyone knows it, Lindsey’s pushing in between them, keeping Tobin back, and now Tobin’s yelling at Lindsey. 

”Your fucking girlfriend fouled me. Again,” Tobin seethes. 

Lindsey’s hands are on Tobin’s chest, pushing her back. “She didn’t Toby. You know that. Let’s go. Let’s keep playing.”

Tobin glares at Sonnett. Sonnett winks. She knows Tobin’s going to humiliate her at camp, but that seems irrelevant now.   


Two minutes later, the final whistle blows. Tobin storms off to the change room without talking to anyone. Ellie jumps on Sonnett. Sinc comes over and grabs her by the head with one hand. “I’m proud of you, kid,” she says sincerely. It means the world to Emily. Lindsey hangs back, taking it all in, watching former teammate after former teammate welcome Emily back to Portland. And she hangs back while Emily’s new family congratulates her as well. They know she got both of those goals started. They know that she notched one of her cleanest defensive performances yet. They appreciate her, maybe more than anyone ever bothered to appreciate her in Portland. That smile on Emily’s face is genuine.   


Finally everyone’s dispersing, and Lindsey gets her chance to hug Emily. Lindsey jogs up to her, almost knocking Emily over as they rock back and forth. “You did so good, babe,” she says proudly. And she means it.   


”Thanks for not scoring on me,” Emily replies. And she means it, too. She can’t help but think Lindsey went easy on her. And it dawns on her, that maybe Lindsey loves her more than she loves this game. It’s a weird thought, for Emily to have, something she never thought she’d have. But Lindsey pushes that thought out of Emily’s mind almost as quickly as it enters.   


”I tried. I really did. I love you, but I wasn’t trying to lose tonight.” She sounds sincere enough for Emily to believe her.   


Maybe. 

“So this is unorthodox,” Lindsey continues, “but when Marc is done talking to you guys, you’ve got a lot of fans in Sonnett jerseys who want your autograph. I think it would be ok for you to come over with us. Just this once.”

Emily’s eyes light up. “Ok,” she grins at the thought of how much people still adore her. “And then I’ll meet you in the locker room?”

”Mmhmm,” Lindsey says into Emily’s sweaty hair, hugging her again. It’s the best way she knows not to kiss Emily in front of 20,000 fans. Plus. 


	51. Stutter, Stutter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh no they didn’t.  
aka Lindsey has quite the surprise for Emily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s just smut.

  
Lindsey waits until she’s the last person in the locker room, waits so long that Emily’s texting her to complain about her team already on the way to the hotel while she sits in a dark hallway by herself, getting weird looks from the cleaning staff, before she makes her way to Emily. She comes around the corner in the hallway to find Emily sitting on the floor outside the visitors’ locker room, looking down at her phone. Lindsey sees a slight smirk on her face as she nears, and then notices that Emily’s on Instagram, scrolling through comments on photos of the game. It’s nice to see her smiling.

“Hey,” she startles Emily, who’s so absorbed in her phone that she didn’t even see Lindsey standing not too far away.

“Hey yourself,” Emily grins up at her. Emily’s face, illuminated only by the one harsh white light in the hallway, is fresh despite playing the full 90, like the weight of the world is finally lifted off her shoulders. Like what she had worried about for the past five months is finally over. She reaches up for Lindsey to pull her to her feet.

Lindsey cups Emily’s face lovingly, and Emily melts into those strong hands. Lindsey loves seeing her like this – full of happiness. But more than anything, Lindsey loves seeing Emily confident, proud of herself, like she finally recognizes she’s a whole person, like it’s starting to click that she’s worthy of good things. Lindsey misses her like crazy, but Orlando has been good for her; there’s no denying that. Coming back to Portland was hard, but she made it through.

With Lindsey’s help.

“Come on,” Lindsey tugs at Sonny’s sleeve, pulling her down the long hallway.

“The crowd…” Emily starts as they walk. “They…” and then she seems to be unable to find the words as she starts to choke up.

“They still love you, baby,” Lindsey fills the silence that Emily leaves. And then she takes a detour, leading Emily back to the Thorns locker room. “You never got closure here,” she says, opening the door. 

Emily inhales sharply as she steps into the locker room. It’s the same; of course it is, minus her nameplate. She sits down in the chair that used to be hers at the locker that used to be hers. The echoes of voices fill her ears – Sinc’s quiet voice, only speaking when necessary, Tobin’s annoyed voice that would fade into her lovingly messing around with Emily, Kling’s angry voice when they were losing, Kelli’s bubbly voice, always happy, always ready for fun. And the music. God, there was always music. She can see herself dancing. But mostly, she can hear Lindsey laughing at her. Those are Emily’s best memories of her four years in that locker room, those memories of Lindsey giggling, where her eyes are all squinty and smile lines form, and she’s happy. _Emily’s_ making her happy. Now Emily spends all of her time making her new teammates laugh, and making Cassius laugh, and it’s fine. But nothing compares to Lindsey’s laugh, and she wonders if there’s anyone in that locker room anymore who makes Lindsey laugh, who picks her up, who helps her get through it all and forget. She makes a mental note to ask Tobin to make sure that someone makes Lindsey laugh every day. She sits in silence and she lets the memories wash over her and she doesn’t cry. “Thanks,” she says hoarsely, pushing herself up out of the chair. “Let’s go home.”

The stadium is completely empty, and mostly dark now. They’re locked in. It’s not like they haven’t been locked in before. Lindsey has a key to the padlock on the gate for nights that she stays and shoots by herself after tough games; or rather, for when she used to spend nights after a bad game shooting while Emily shagged balls for her. She hasn’t done it since Emily left. Actually, she hasn’t done it since they started dating, when going home to Emily’s arms always seemed like a better way to forget a bad game than an hour in front of goal finishing. Instead of leaving, Lindsey takes Sonny back onto the turf, kicking her shoes off on the sidelines. Emily follows suit and Lindsey pulls her into a one-arm hug. 

“More closure?” Emily asks, and Lindsey nods. 

Emily looks at her, the light of a full moon reflecting in her eyes and making them sparkle. “I’m ok. Tonight gave me some perspective on this chapter of my life, and the next, I think.” And then she cocks her head to the side for a second, like maybe she knows what Lindsey did for her. But if she does, she doesn’t say anything, just holds Lindsey’s gaze longer.

“Are you sure? You’re sure you’re ok?” Lindsey presses, and then she presses her body into her girlfriend’s. “Because I think, maybe right here, right now, might be a good time and place for some _real_ closure.” Emily looks at her like she doesn’t know what Lindsey means. So Lindsey shows her. She takes Emily’s hand and guides it down past the waistband of her low-slung sweatpants. 

Emily has a coughing fit. Like a full-on attack. When she composes herself, as much as she can, her eyes are wider than Lindsey’s seen them. “Linds,” she says hesitantly, “what is… what are we… I…”

Lindsey kisses her deeply to stop her stuttering. “I went shopping. Without you. I wanted to surprise you.”

Surprised is an understatement for how Emily feels right now.

And it’s not like Emily would have wanted to go shopping anyway.

“But you’re… you’re wearing… it. I… why? How?” Emily stammers.

“It’s called a pack-and-play,” Lindsey replies, trying to sound confident, trying to push through the wave of self-consciousness suddenly washing over her. “I thought we could…”

“Here?!?” This might be the most shocked Emily has ever been.

“I mean… yeah?” Lindsey sounds hopeful. But then she rushes to add, “We could go home, use it there. If you want? If that’s better.”

“Well, I- um…”

“I’ll just bend you over my table,” Lindsey suggests. 

“No!” Emily exclaims.

“No?” Lindsey says, pulling back in obvious shock, but trying to cover it. “No. Ok. I’ll remember that,” she says slyly.

“No. Yes! I mean… I didn’t mean no. I meant…” Emily can’t form coherent sentences or thoughts right now. She digs her toe into the little rubber balls under the turf nervously.

“What are you trying to say, beautiful?” Lindsey breaths into her ear, patient as can be as Emily buzzes under her. 

“I want to. Here. And also on your table. But here first!” Emily shout-whispers like someone is going to hear her, as the desperation in her voice rises.

“Are you sure?” Lindsey asks teasingly, tugging at Emily’s hips.

“Soooo sure,” Emily promises. “I want to make sure every time you step on this field, you think of me and smile.”

It’s certainly one way to fix Lindsey’s problem of thinking about Emily and being sad at every training and every game.

It’s dark. Only the moon is illuminating the field, and it’s ducking in and out behind scattered cloud cover. “You’re sure everyone’s gone?” Emily asks hesitantly. 

Lindsey is positive. She unzips Emily’s jacket, letting it slide off her shoulders. “You always have so much clothing on,” she complains, lifting Emily’s hoodie and discarding it, too, so she can get to Emily’s neck. “See what I mean?” Her breath is warm against Emily’s skin and she grabs fists full of Emily’s tee. 

Emily’s hands settle over Lindsey’s. “Maybe we should leave it on?” she suggests, still scared that someone’s going to catch them. But all it takes to get Emily to change her mind is Lindsey breath in Emily’s ear, whispering a directive. There’s a pile of purple on the turf at Providence Park. Emily shivers in the cold Portland air. She’s not at all used to it anymore. Lindsey runs her thumbs over Emily’s nipples until Emily can’t take it and she lets out a little whine as she buries her face into Lindsey’s neck and pulls her in closer. She can feel it now, pressing against her. She wonders how she didn’t feel it before. Emily lets a hand fall from Lindsey’s hip down over her pants to the bulge. She can’t help herself. The thought of Lindsey wearing it right now, is driving her crazy. She hears Lindsey mutter a quiet “fuck” into her hair from the added pressure Emily’s hand has created on the toy. She leaves it there for a moment, before running her cold hands under Lindsey’s sweatshirt. Lindsey shudders and Emily grins, leaving her hands on Lindsey’s ribs until they warm up, before adding Lindsey’s sweatshirt to the growing pile. She has nothing on underneath, which surprises Emily. It surprises her every time she tucks her hands inside Lindsey’s sweatshirt to find bare skin, every time she takes off Lindsey’s sweatshirt to find her naked. But it’s honestly one of her favorite things – the pleasant surprise of the misjudged expectation of clothing underneath outerwear. 

Emily takes a step back to look at her girlfriend in the ghostly dark. There’s something magnetic about Lindsey, topless, barefoot, wearing only sweatpants that are so low they are beckoning Emily to help them the rest of the way down. Emily drops to her knees and lets her hands rest on Lindsey’s hips, fingers just below her waistband. She runs her tongue along the cuts of Lindsey’s abs and hips before sliding her hands down Lindsey’s ass and thighs, dragging her sweats with her as she goes. It looks so real that she has to touch it, hesitantly, with only one finger. Lindsey silently shows her that it’s bendable, grabbing the dildo and readjusting it so it’s no longer tucked between her legs. Emily stares. She wants to do more. Lindsey runs her fingers through Emily’s hair, careful not to pressure her, careful not to pull her closer. 

* * *

They’ve talked about it before – a lot – this complicated relationship they both have with men. The first time Emily fucked Lindsey with a strap, she laid there afterwards, holding onto Lindsey for dear life, completely silent. With the false sense of security the darkness gave her, and the very real sense of security she gleaned from Lindsey stroking her back and kissing the top of her head, she had finally found her voice. Emily had a very real fear that Lindsey only wanted to be fucked with a strap because she missed sex with men, which couldn’t have been farther from the truth; Lindsey wanted to feel Emily inside her while their bodies were pressed together. And they talked about how Emily felt about Lindsey wearing it. Since Emily had confided in Lindsey what her life had been like before she came to terms with her sexuality, and how much she struggled with her identity, Lindsey has always been cognizant of how wearing it makes Emily feel. She’s never wanted Emily to feel pressured to let her incorporate it into their sex life.

* * *

Emily kisses the tip tentatively, then looks up at Lindsey, who is smiling down at her, with her perfect breasts and hard nipples, against the backdrop of the silvery light. It’s an extension of Lindsey, Emily thinks. Emily runs her tongue along the shaft, her eyes not leaving Lindsey’s. Lindsey bites her lip and digs her fingertips into Emily’s scalp. Before Emily has to decide how far she’s going to take this, Lindsey drops to her knees on the turf in front of Emily. “Lie down.”

Lindsey sits back on her heels and peels off Emily’s pants and underwear together, discarding both. “I didn’t bring lube,” she admits spreading Emily’s legs and kissing the soft skin of her inner thigh. She runs her tongue through Emily’s center. “But I don’t think we’ll need it.”

Emily cants her hips up towards Lindsey’s hot mouth, searching for just the right positioning with Lindsey still on her knees. Lindsey grabs behind Emily’s knees, throwing Emily’s legs over her shoulders and running her thumbs along Emily’s calves and the outside of her thighs before settling on her hips. Lindsey leans farther in, pushing Emily’s back down into the turf. Emily lets out a long, low moan as Lindsey’s tongue stiffens and focuses on her clit. “Right there, baby,” Emily chokes out, holding Lindsey’s head still. “Fuck, don’t stop!”

Lindsey’s lungs are burning, but she doesn’t grab a breath until Emily pushes her away slightly, partway through her orgasm, because she’s so sensitive. Lindsey’s chest is heaving as she lifts Emily’s legs off her and sets them down, leaning forward against Emily’s body. She has to catch her breath just to kiss Emily. The dildo presses against Emily’s clit and she bites Lindsey’s lip. Hard. Lindsey just grins at her. “Someone’s ready.”

Emily pushes herself up onto her forearms, trying not to lose contact with Lindsey’s lips. “Wanna be on top.”

Lindsey certainly isn’t going to deny her that.

Emily kneels between Lindsey’s legs watching as Lindsey bends the dildo until its curvature is just right. She leans down and takes it into her mouth, just once. She’s slippery wet, but she wants to be sure. And she likes the way that it makes Lindsey move underneath her. She straddles Lindsey, lining up over her. 

“You’re so fucking gorgeous, Em,” Lindsey says into the silence. And Emily is. The cloud cover is clearing, making the stars visible now, and the moon is brighter, icy white, illuminating Emily’s blond hair and casting shadows on her breasts. Lindsey holds the base as Emily slowly lowers herself down. It’s thicker than the ones they’ve used, and a little shorter. Emily takes her time, adjusting to the girth, until they’re flush together. She rocks, slowly at first, Lindsey holding her hips and guiding her, until she’s comfortable with the fullness. As Emily starts grinding harder, she throws her head back and Lindsey can see the puffs of Emily’s breaths in the cold air. Emily’s thighs burn, but she doesn’t care. Lindsey’s about to reach up for Emily’s small, firm breasts, but Emily does it herself, rolling her nipples between her own thumbs and index fingers. Lindsey moves one hand so she can thumb circles over Emily’s clit instead. Emily gets so worked up that she falls forward, supporting herself with her hands on Lindsey’s shoulders. The new angle drives her closer to the edge, and the increased pressure gets to Lindsey too. Her movements become sloppier and less consistent. The nails of Lindsey’s free hand dig into the back of Emily’s neck. She wishes she could feel Emily’s walls tighten around her, but her senses are heightened to other changes instead – Emily’s moans becoming more ragged as they hum in Lindsey’s ear, the way her thighs tremble against Lindsey’s hips, the way her muscles tighten just before going completely slack as she collapses, and the way the sound gets caught in her throat and she can’t even get a curse word out. 

Eventually, Lindsey manages to undo the straps so she can toss the dildo aside, and hold Emily tighter. “Cold,” Emily mumbles into her collarbone. Lindsey reaches over and grabs blindly at the pile of clothes. She helps Emily pull her oversized Thorns sweatshirt over her head, and manages to grab Emily’s pants so Emily can put those back on, too. Lindsey ends up in Emily’s adidas sweatshirt and her own sweatpants. They try to knock off as many of the little rubber turf balls as they can first, but it’s a largely unsuccessful effort. There are little pieces of rubber… everywhere. “This would have been better at my stadium,” Emily chuckles. “Our grass is perfect.”

“Stop bragging,” Lindsey jokes, rolling Emily off her. “Besides, we’re not going to be there when our teams play in Orlando,” Lindsey sighs, kind of sad about the way their schedule has worked out around the Olympics this year. There’s not even going to be time to visit Emily in her new place during a bye week.

They lie there on their backs, Emily using Lindsey’s bicep as a pillow, looking at the stars. “Do you know where your constellation is?” Emily asks, and she feels Lindsey shake her head next to her. She points up to two bright stars. “There are the brothers’ heads, and there, below, do you see the four stars going across? Those are their arms.” Lindsey’s able to make out the rest of their bodies from there, and Emily goes on to explain the twins were actually animals in different cultures, not humans.

“Where’s yours?” she asks.

“You can only see Sagittarius from the southern hemisphere right now,” Emily explains.

Emily never ceases to amaze Lindsey with her knowledge. She knows a lot – about European history, horticulture, geology, and astronomy, apparently. Lindsey doesn’t know where it comes from, and most of the time, Sonnett keeps it to herself, preferring to make people laugh. But sometimes, in quiet moments like these, she throws out these random facts, without any show or fanfare. She doesn’t want people to know she’s actually quite smart, but she really is. 

“Baby,” Emily groans, rolling over and wrapping her arm around Lindsey, “I want you again, so bad. But I’m so, so tired and sore. And um, we need to shower again.”

“What happened to never tired, never sore?”

“You wore me out tonight, Linds,” Emily admits.

“My poor baby,” Lindsey kisses the top of her head. 

“I’ll be good as new tomorrow, for sure,” Emily promises. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“You’re really not going home with the team tomorrow, are you?”

Emily shakes her head.

“Marc’s been good to you.”

“I know he has, but Orlando’s not home. This isn’t ever going to be home, either. I could never come back. But I want to spend all the time I can with you.”

Lindsey thinks about that as she holds Emily. Portland doesn’t feel like home to her anymore either, not without Emily. Her mind drifts to the draft, and for the first time in almost five years, she finds herself wishing for a trade, or wishing to be re-allocated. She’s pretty sure she’d go anywhere, if she could go with Emily. “Mmm,” Lindsey murmurs into Emily’s hair, pulling herself out of her own head. “Glad he’s letting you stay. I’m exhausted too, honestly. Maybe this plan was a little ambitious.”

“But it was a great plan! Best plan ever!” Emily sits up, smiling. She pulls Lindsey with her and kisses the tip of her very cold, very rosy nose. “Take me home, let’s take a bath, and then take me to bed. To sleep. Naked.”


	52. The Chaos of Stars

Emily leans forward and presses her brow into the seat in front of her, massaging the muscles on the back of her neck. There's a knot on the right side at the base of her skull, probably the cause of the headache she feels coming on. After a minute, she falls back into the headrest and squeezes her eyes shut. It's weird, flying alone instead of back with her team. It's lonely. She didn't think she'd miss them, until now, when she _actually_ misses having someone to talk to on the flight. It's such a trek back to Orlando, with a plane change and a long layover. She really couldn't have moved any farther away from Lindsey if she tried. Well, she did try. But the team she went to was basically as far away from Portland as possible. Emily wants to sleep, but she's knows that's not going to be possible. And she was up so late with Lindsey their last night together, trying to hear Lindsey's fears, trying so hard to reassure her. She wouldn't trade those extra two days in Portland for the world - not that she actually saw a lot of Portland - but she's exhausted and her body aches. She didn't exactly take care of herself after the game...

Lindsey is consuming her thoughts. The whole time they were together, Emily felt like all of her senses were heightened, maybe because of their time apart. And that's keeping her awake now, more than the uncomfortable airline seat is. There are bits and pieces that keep flashing in her mind. 

Holding Lindsey under the hot water cascading down from the showerhead. Standing there. Not moving. Not speaking. Just huddled into that small space together. 

Lindsey's body, soft in all the right places. That smooth skin, golden even in the cloudy weather. The way she melted into Emily when Emily ran her hands over Lindsey's back. The way she shuddered when Emily's hands found that spot on her hips. That perfect ass.

The way Lindsey smelled, after a shower, after sex. 

What it felt like to sleep next to her again. The grumpy little noises that escaped her lips when something caused her to stir. To be woken up by Lindsey's hair tickling her nose. To realize that in her sleep, she wrapped her arms and legs around Lindsey like a koala who was never letting go.

How mad Lindsey was in the morning when she woke up to an empty bed. The way she looked like she was about to yell, or cry, or both, because she was so upset about waking up alone. Until she realized that Emily was sitting at her kitchen table, drinking coffee. Naked. Waiting. How quickly the fire left Lindsey's eyes then, replaced by an impish sparkle. Emily was going to hold her to the other option she proposed the night before on the turf. She held up their usual strap-on and wriggled her eyebrows, beckoning Lindsey towards her.

Lindsey standing before her, in just a sports bra and sweatpants, as Emily leaned back, palms flat on the table. She watched Lindsey lift her bra over her head and drop it the ground, then she straightened up to slide Lindsey’s sweats down until she could step out of them.

The way Lindsey held eye contact as she stepped between Emily’s legs, as she slid her arms around Emily’s waist, as Emily rested hers on Lindsey’s shoulders, trying to match that intense stare. 

Adrenaline coursing through her body as Lindsey turned her around and ran her tongue over the cross tattoo on the back of Emily’s neck before pushing her down on the table.

And god, Lindsey ravished her. Bent over. On her back. Sitting, her nails digging into Lindsey’s skin, hard enough to leave marks that were still there this morning. And not faint marks, either. When Emily was convinced she couldn’t take anymore, Lindsey used her tongue. And when she actually couldn’t take anymore, when she grabbed Lindsey's ponytail and pulled Lindsey from between her legs, that whine that escaped Lindsey's lips hit Emily deep in her stomach. That fucking sound made Emily curse the fact that she was too sensitive to continue.

_Fuck_. Emily’s mind shouldn’t be going there right now. She squeezes her eyes tighter and tries to slow her now-heavy breathing.

But she can’t stop thinking about it. And about how afterwards, when the shaking in her legs finally subsided enough that she could stand again, she pushed Lindsey down on the table. Threw Lindsey’s legs over her shoulders. Sucked on her clit to draw out low moans and flicked it hard and fast to elicit those higher-pitched sounds until Lindsey was arching up off the table and coming in her mouth.

The way Lindsey let her know exactly what she wanted. Sitting partway up and gabbing Emily's head hard, holding it still until she came again. Lindsey’s taste so familiar on her tongue.

And eventually, because they had to eat, avocado toast on a restaurant patio, like nothing changed. Smiling, laughing, taking pictures of each other and their food. So fucking normal it hurt.

Walking back to Lindsey’s, but not hand-in-hand, because no matter how much they both wanted that, the world couldn’t know. It was their choice, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

The weight of Lindsey's body sagging so heavily against her when they hugged goodbye at the apartment, knowing a real goodbye at the airport wasn't going to be possible. How hard it was to walk away from Lindsey when her eyes were filling with tears, when she was biting her lip so Emily wouldn’t see it tremble. Those goodbyes were bound to get easier; Christen promised they would. But they weren’t easy yet.

And then there's the part of their time alone that Emily keeps replaying from start to finish because of how worried it's left her. Somehow, in all this mess, she forgot to think about Lindsey, forgot how hard this would be for her. It's not that surprising, really. Emily went through a traumatic event, and her head hasn’t been quite right since. But Lindsey was there for all of it. There was no way she was ever going to come out unscathed.

* * *

Their last night was so completely the polar opposite of _that_ night, and of _that_ morning.

Lindsey was subdued, and Emily assumed it was just because she was leaving in the morning. Things started out fine. They sat down on the couch together, holding hands under the blanket like they used to. The TV was just mindless noise in the background, and Emily stroked the back of Lindsey’s hand with her thumb as they sat mostly in silence, just appreciating being near each other again. 

“Come here,” Lindsey finally interrupted the quiet, pulling Emily into her lap. 

Emily went to kiss her, but then stopped short and pulled back, really looking into Lindsey’s eyes. And she saw it – the pain and worry that Lindsey had been hiding from her, too afraid of giving Emily more weight than she could bear. Lindsey couldn't hide it any longer, no matter how hard she tried.

“Baby,” Emily whispered, worry lines creasing her forehead. She brushed Lindsey’s cheek with her thumb. “Talk to me.” She didn’t bother to ask _what_ was wrong or _if_ something was wrong; she knew, and she didn’t want to give Lindsey the chance to say “nothing,” to minimize whatever was going on in her head.

Lindsey tried to minimize it anyway. “I can think of things that are more fun than talking,” she said in her best sultry voice. But she couldn’t quite cover up the quiver behind it. She leaned forward, trying to catch Emily’s lips with hers, trying so hard to avoid the whole conversation, so desperate to not make the little bit of time they had left together about her. 

It didn’t work.

“Linds, what hurts?”

_My fucking heart hurts,_ Lindsey thought. _How is it even possible to be heartbroken and in love at the same time?_ Lindsey sat in silence for a minute, staring up at the ceiling to try to keep the tears at bay. “This,” she finally replied. “This glimpse at what our life was supposed to be like. It hurts to know we could have had _this_. Every night.”

It made Emily hate herself, which is exactly why Lindsey had struggled alone in silence for months. She hadn't even told Tobin, fearing Tobin would say something to Emily. Or at a minimum, blame Emily.

“It’s hard, being here without you. I go to practice and I come home, and that’s it. I know part of it is that Cait’s gone, and Hayley, too, but I could do stuff with Ellie, if I wanted to. She tries to get me out of this apartment all the time. I don’t feel like it though. I don’t even feel like going to the store.”

“Well that’s because you can’t cook,” Emily joked, trying to get Lindsey to crack a smile. 

Lindsey ignored it. “I just get everything delivered so I don’t have to go out. And I’m here all day long. I could clean, but well, you know I haven’t been. There’s no point if you’re not here. Who would I be cleaning for? Like before we moved in together last year, back when we were living alone, I only cleaned because you came over all the time. Watching TV and hanging out with you has been the bright spot in my life for years. You gave me a reason to keep up with things. To do things. Now I don’t have a reason. To pick up or to go out. I just lie around and wait for you to call.”

“Baby…” Emily trailed off, not having any clue what to say to help. And then she thought about Bagel. Bagel made a huge difference in her life when she was at her lowest point in Florida. "How about you get a dog?" she finally suggested. She was sort of joking again, still trying to lighten the mood, but there was a little bit of seriousness to Emily's suggestion this time. It could make a difference. It would force Lindsey to get out. It would prevent her from coming home to an emty apartment. 

"Maybe..." Lindsey trailed off.

They stared at each other, mirror images of defeat and uncertainty. 

“It’ll get better, I know it will,” Lindsey said, trying to convince herself. “There was always going to be an adjustment period.” She breathed deeply and let out a long stream of air. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she half whined into Emily’s shirt. “We can talk about it all you want on the phone. But you’re here, right now. In the flesh.”

“So you want to see my flesh, is that it?” Emily grinned, not even hesitating to pull her shirt over her head. They weren't going to get anywhere tonight, Emily knew this. She knew Lindsey was stubborn and pushing her when she wasn’t ready to be pushed would make her get angry and then she’d shut down. Emily also knew she was going to hold Lindsey to a conversation eventually. Or soon, rather, because she could get away with pushing her just a little bit when she got back to Orlando, if she would just give Lindsey time now. Lindsey rolled her eyes and puckered her lips for a kiss, which Emily was all too happy to give her. “Your wish is my command, princess,” Emily winked, pulling Lindsey to her feet.

But all the bravado was gone when she had Lindsey in bed, when she saw that the pain was still there, hiding behind those long lashes. Lindsey was lying there, completely naked, legs fallen open, waiting for Emily to do whatever she wanted, and all Emily wanted to do was hold her and kiss her until she had kissed away every last bit of hurt. Emily brushed Lindsey’s hair off her face and tipped up her chin, so tenderly. She started with Lindsey’s forehead, then her eyelids, her cheeks, the tip of her nose. She kissed Lindsey’s lips softly, fingertips on Lindsey’s jaw, barely there. She ran her tongue across Lindsey’s lips, ignoring them as they parted. She kissed along Lindsey’s jaw and behind her ear. And then she stopped. She ran her hand over the baby hairs on Lindsey’s neck and then whispered in her ear. “I love you, more than anything in this world. More than I even thought it was possible to love someone.” She felt Lindsey’s grip on her bicep tightening, and she leaned back so she could see Lindsey. “We’re going to have this. The dinners on the couch and the TV on when we’re not even paying attention to it. The coffee on the balcony in the morning and the laundry and the dishes and the mopping and dusting and grocery shopping. We’re going to have a _life_. A totally normal, totally boring life together, with all of those mundane things. Linds, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you’ll have me,” she added, suddenly filled with doubt. “You’re _it_. You’re all I see when I think about my future, when I think about what life is going to be like after all of this is over.” 

She didn't elaborate, worried it was too soon to feel what she felt, but in her quiet time alone in Orlando, she daydreamed about their wedding day, about Lindsey walking down the aisle with her dad towards Emily, waiting. It was better that way, to be able to dream it without her own father, just in case. She wrote Emily Sonnett-Horan and Emily Horan in perfectly beautiful cursive on the backs of envelopes headed for recycling. Alanna found one once, sitting on top of the bin. She gave Emily a hard time about it for days. But the truth was, it just made Emily smile more. And maybe blush a little. When she let herself, Emily dreamed of having kids with Lindsey. In her dreams, Lindsey carried them because Lord how she knew Lindsey would make beautiful babies, but she didn't care how kids actually came into their lives. And she dreamed about a time where they wouldn't have to worry about cameras snapping a photo of them too close or too touchy and could just be, thought that was on her more than it was on Lindsey.

She kissed the back of Lindsey's hand. Then the palm. Then every finger, one at a time, subconsciously, or not, stopping, to rub the ring finger on Lindsey's left hand. Tears filled Lindsey’s eyes. “Baby, please don’t cry. Why are you crying?” Emily hadn't meant to make her cry. She wanted to do the opposite of give Lindsey another reason to cry.

Lindsey sniffled, loudly. “Because,” she mumbled. “Because ever since… you know… I just…” She couldn’t finish her sentence, but Emily knew. 

The blowout in Marietta had shattered Lindsey’s concept of forever. And now their “forever” was built on that tenuous promise Emily made months ago in camp. “When I told you I was choosing you over my family, I meant it. I’ll never hurt you again. I love you too much to ever see you hurt like that again. Hurting you made me feel like dying.” The biggest lesson that Emily had started to internalize after going to therapy with Lindsey was the understanding that the only people who deserved to be in her life were the people who loved her just the way she was. Lindsey loved her for who she was. Emma did too, and maybe her dad. But understanding her self-worth, even though it was a struggle sometimes, helped her to know that when push came to shove, she would pick Lindsey forever, over anyone else, if it came down to it. “I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you,” Emily said, looking at Lindsey softly.

“Em,” Lindsey whispered.

“I’ve been reading, you know, since I have all this free time now that someone isn’t there to cuddle with me all the time and drag me all around town. I was supposed to read that book in school, but um, maybe I just let Emma summarize it for me? Anyway, I’ve been going back and reading all the stuff I was supposed to read a long time ago, so I can be cultured or whatever. I mean, one day, I'll be old and probably doing crosswords like Alysaa and... well, anyway, I read that and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And you. And I envisioned myself holding your hands and saying it to you on our wedding day, but I decided that would be too cheesy. So you get cheesy now, instead of in front of a bunch of people.”

Lindsey didn’t think it would have been cheesy at all. “Baby,” Lindsey was crying again, but happy tears. “You want to marry me?” she sniffled.

“Of course I want to marry you,” Emily replied, as if she couldn’t wrap her head around that fact that Lindsey didn’t already know this, like the possibility existed that Emily would have ruined her relationship with her mother for just a girl. “One day, when we’re all done with soccer and we can just be together. What do you think I meant when I said forever?”

Lindsey didn’t think Emily actually meant forever when she said forever. But now… maybe… “Will you just hold me? All night?” Emily nodded. “And don’t let go,” Lindsey added. “Like don’t get out of bed to make coffee tomorrow morning when you wake up before me. Not even if I’m going to find you naked in the kitchen. Please?”

Emily kissed Lindsey again, one more time, as softly as she could, before tucking her head under Lindsey’s chin. She threw her arm across Lindsey’s chest and her leg over Lindsey’s until their naked bodies were so close together that Emily wondered if she could suffocate like that. The weight of Emily’s body comforted Lindsey. Eventually, the rise and fall of Lindsey’s chest put Emily to sleep.

Emily stayed right where she was when she woke up hours before Lindsey, still on Orlando time. She resisted the urge to run her fingers along the curves of Lindsey's side and the cuts of her arms, which would have been so soothing, because she wanted to let Lindsey sleep. Eventually, Lindsey woke up with a mess of dramatic of groans and hums as she stretched like a cat in the warm sunlight. They left the bed long enough to use the bathroom and brush their teeth, then returned to the cozy cocoon they had made to keep the rest of the world, and all their thoughts, out. They spent their remaining hours kissing, touching, snuggling, and listening to their joint playlist. It calmed Lindsey, allowed her to slowly get used to the thought of Emily leaving.

* * *

But even though Lindsey handled their goodbye pretty well, it doesn't mean Emily's any less worried about her. She drags her backpack out from underneath the seat in front of her and digs through it until she finds a folded page of set plays she's been using as a bookmark, and a pen. She starts a list on the back of the paper. 

**Ways I Can Help Cheer Up Linessi:**

  1. Find her a maid
  2. Ask Rose to find out what kind of dog Lindsey might want. Remind Rose this is a secret mission and to not be so damn obvious.
  3. Purple Carrot (think of an explanation - that does not involve Kelley - for why it's vegetarian. maybe blame Alex.)

A flight attendant comes on over the intercom asking everyone to prepare for landing. Emily puts her tray table up and shoves the list in her pocket. She'll finish it on the next leg of her journey home. Well, not _home_ home, but home for now. It's not too bad. 

As she wanders through the Denver airport, which honestly still makes her cringe a little bit because of _him_, she's already thought of two more things to add to her list before she even finds her terminal. She grabs a spot on the floor near the windows, despite the fact that there are plenty of chairs, and just as she's about to add them, Kelley's FaceTime call comes in. 

"Hey!" she says excitedly. "I watched your game. Son, you played so well! I wanted to call you and tell you right away, but, I didn't wanna bother you," she says knowingly. "So. How _was_ Portland?" She adds a little eyebrow raise for effect. 

"Kell, I'm in love with her," Emily blurts out before she can even think about responding to anything Kelley said.

"Dumbass. Of course you're in love with her. You've been in love with her. And we been knew, Sonny. You've said this before. A. Lot. What the fuck? Where is this coming from?" Kelley laughs, confused.

"No, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Like forever and ever," Emily tries to explain.

"Ok..." Kelley draws out the word.

"I want to marry her and have babies with her and be boring with her."

"Yeah, sure, Son. But not right now?" Kelley wants to confirm.

"Not right now, but I do. And you two have to fix things. Because I love her and you're one of the most important people in my life, and I just don't want it to awkward and uncomfortable anymore. You guys have to work it out so I can have both of you in my life."

"Em, it's not really my fault. I don't know what you want me to do," Kelley says helplessly.

"It's my fault, I know. I should have told her and I didn't but..."

Kelley can hear the panic rising in her voice and doesn't want her having something else to worry about. So she interrupts. "Ok. Ok. Relax. We'll figure it out. I'll do whatever I need to do to prove to her that she has nothing to worry about. They're playing here soon. I'll talk to her."

It seems to settle Emily. "Thanks," she mumbles, slightly embarrassed, because she knows this isn't Kelley's battle to fight, and super appreciative, because she knows Kelley will do anything for her.

"Now," Kelley clears her through, "tell me all about Portland."

"I'm in an airport!" Emily shakes her head. "Besides, you're not getting the details you want. Not even when I get home. I had avo toast," she tries to change the subject. 

Kelley laughs. "I am. And you know that. Call me when you get home? Also, fuck your avo toast, it probably had eggs on it."

"Fine. I'll call you tonight," Emily smirks, and promptly hangs up. She likes talking about Lindsey. She likes talking about her and Lindsey together. And she can do that with Kelley when she can't with Rose or Mal. Kelley's gay and Kelley _gets_ it in a way that they never will. It's so easy to talk to Kelley, despite their history, maybe because of their history, and Emily's super thankful for that. Emily knows that Lindsey might kill her, or her and Kelley... or maybe just Kelley, if she found out that they talk about absolutely _everything_, but she needs Kelley, as a friend, as a sounding board, for advice, for support. And that's also why she needs Lindsey to get over this thing she has against Kelley. Soon. Like before they end up spending a couple of months together, non-stop, for the Olympics. 


	53. Soft Sonny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations in the light.

Sonnett hasn’t even been gone a full 24 hours when Lindsey gets a postcard in her mailbox, just a generic one of Multnomah Falls, with perfect block print on the back.

**Hey, water you up to?**

**I was gonna go with I’m falling for you, you know, cause it’s a waterfall. Get it? But it’s too late for that. Miss you big. Love you bigger. See you super soon.**

**❤️, **

**Your Sonny**

There’s a little drawing in the bottom corner - a pig in a karate uniform - with a joke. 

**What do you call a pig that does karate?**

**(Call for answer)**

Lindsey does, and gets Emily’s voicemail. She’s about to hang up when it realizes it sounds different, that Emily’s changed it. “Can’t come to the phone right now. At training. If this is Lindsey, the answer is a pork chop,” followed by Sonnett cackling at herself.

Her girlfriend is an idiot. The absolute cutest, silliest, most thoughtful, idiot she knows.

Two days later, Lindsey gets another postcard, this time with views of a beautiful Florida beach.   
  


**Now water you up to?**

**Wish you were here. Wish I was here too, actually. Beach > Disney. Speaking of beaches. Cayman Islands? For real this time. After season. Booking the flights so you can’t find a reason to back out.**

**❤️,**

**Your Sonny**

Lindsey texts her. 

**Linessi**: You know why I kept backing out before. I’m sorry. I promise we’ll go this time. Let me book our flights. Maybe Christmas? 

Lindsey feels like at a minimum, she owes Emily that. She feels genuinely bad that they talked about it so much for so long, and never went because her insecure ex-boyfriend couldn't stand the thought of her vacationing with Sonny. But in a way, having this trip in their future might be for the best. It’ll be a good distraction from the fact that Christmas this year will be the first one Emily doesn’t get to spend with her family. Ever. Her mom seems no closer to coming around now than she was a few months ago.

**Dasani**: Yeah. Or maybe Thanksgiving or New Year’s? I was kinda hoping I could spend Christmas with your family? 

It warms Lindsey’s heart. She feels Emily’s pain so acutely that it could almost be her own, but the fact that Emily’s been thinking about spending Christmas with Lindsey’s family is huge. Maybe therapy _is_ helping Emily realize DNA doesn’t make a family.

**Dasani**: If you don’t think they’d mind?

**Linessi**: Baby, they’d love to have you. Me, too. 

* * *

Lindsey groans at the ding of her phone announcing an incoming text message. She rolls over and thinks about getting it off her nightstand, but she’s so warm and cozy wrapped up in her blankets. She was dreaming about Sonny holding her, there, in their apartment in Portland, like nothing had changed and they still played together. It’s bittersweet. Lindsey sighs, gives in, and stretches for her phone, assuming it’s one of her teammates trying to drag her to breakfast later, or a reminder to come in early for treatment. Her face lights up when she sees who it actually is. 

**Dasani**: Game Day!!!!

Lindsey spends an extra few seconds smiling at her phone and thinking about Emily, and it’s enough for Emily to impatiently text again.

**Dasani**: Good morning, beautiful. Wake up!

**Linessi**: Has a college degree. Doesn’t understand time zones.

**Dasani**: It’s 7:30 there. Get out of bed. We’re going on a walk. To breakfast.

**Linessi**: We?

**Dasani**: You’re FaceTiming me on our walk. To breakfast. And at breakfast. And then I might want to walk around some more, I’m not sure. We’re going on a date. Actually, you should FaceTime me now. While you’re getting dressed. 

**Linessi**: You wish

But she sends Sonny a picture of herself stretched out on the bed, her tank riding up, abs exposed, a little glimpse of the pink panties she’s wearing. 

Sonnett wants to die.

**Dasani**: Take your time getting dressed. Gonna be busy for a few minutes.

Lindsey laughs and rolls out of bed. This FaceTime breakfast date isn’t the worst idea Sonnett’s had, even if it is early. It’s a nice way to start a game day. Seems normal. Well Emily’s lips grazing her stomach would be normal. Emily’s fingers pushing aside her panties would be normal. Their new normal will have to do.

Sonnett just wants Lindsey out of her condo so that way the housekeeper she’s hired can get in. She convinced Kling to be in charge of running down and leaving Lindsey’s extra key under the mat. Lindsey’s going to come home to a spotless apartment, and then she’s going to be ready to beat the Reign tonight.

“All right, Sonny, where’re we going?” Lindsey asks, stepping out the front door of her building. 

“Somewhere that wasn’t one of our regular spots. We need new traditions,” Emily suggests. Lindsey flails around a bit, struggling to make a decision, so Emily tells her just to walk until she finds something. Lindsey makes it all of 500 feet. “Wow. Long walk,” Emily says sarcastically. “Thanks, Linds. This was fun.”

“Well you said different and they don’t have avo toast so. Different.”

Emily makes Lindsey show her the menu and when the server comes, she has Lindsey hold up her phone so she can order her girlfriend’s breakfast. It’s every bit ridiculous as it is cute. Or gentlemanly, as Emily claims. Lindsey props her up against the flower vase on the table while she eats. And they just talk. Like they would have talked any morning at breakfast before a game, except they have more to talk about now with two teams instead of one. It’s the best morning Lindsey’s had in Portland this season, save for the few days Emily was there. It feels normal. It feels almost like Emily’s there. She can see Emily’s smile and her dimple and hear her laugh, and Lindsey decides those are the only things she needs for a perfect morning. Besides coffee. “Baby, this was amazing. It was almost like a real date.”

“Almost? It was a real date! And it’s not over yet. I need you to take me to Powell’s. Get me some books for Japan," Emily insists.

Lindsey can’t help but smile. There are bookstores in Orlando. Powell’s is online. Sonnett could get whatever she wants to read for herself, but she’s giving Lindsey a purpose, and Lindsey knows it, but it doesn’t take away from the thought behind it. Or from the fact that Emily is being intentional about spending time doing things with her, even if it is on FaceTime. “You’re gonna drain my battery.”

“Hush, you have all afternoon to charge it while you nap.”

Lindsey lets her take in all the sights and sounds of Portland as they walk down to the bookstore, and Emily realizes that she’s finally in a place where it doesn’t hurt as much anymore to see the city she called home for so long.

“What do you want?” Lindsey asks.

“Fiction. Stop showing me the shelves and surprise me. I wanna look at your beautiful face.”

Perusing bookstores has never been Lindsey’s thing. Books have never been Lindsey’s thing. But with Emily chatting away in her ear, it’s kinda nice. People probably think it’s weird that she’s wandering through a bookstore with her phone pointed towards her face and smiling like a woman in love, but she can’t help it; she is in love. She picks out three books, makes Emily promise to read at least one of them to her at some point during their travels, and heads back out into the sun. 

The sun. Lindsey feels like it’s the first time in forever that she’s noticed it. And it smells like spring. “Sonny it’s such a nice day. Thanks for getting me out of my apartment.”

“Welcome, love. It’s already 92 here and feels like the humidity might be about that too. You’re so lucky we’ll be in Japan when Torns play here. You’d die. And they’re gonna lose.”

“Whatever,” Lindsey laughs, uninterested in engaging in the trash talk. She’ll happily leave it to Rose and Kelley, because really, she just wants to see Sonny happy and successful. Not totally successful, because Lindsey wants another championship for herself, but she wouldn’t mind Sonny’s team making the playoffs. Better than the Pride’s bottom of the barrel finish last season, and Lindsey thinks it would certainly be enough to make Emily happy. “Hey, what are you doing?” she asks, noticing how distracted Emily is.

Emily’s been texting Kling, trying to find out if the cleaning crew is gone yet. They’re still wrapping up, so she convinces Lindsey to take her into Portland Gear.

“You know we could have done all this stuff when you were here,” Lindsey complains. "But fine.”

“Hold me up, I can’t see,” Sonnett whines once they’re inside.

“Do you have any idea what I must look holding my phone up like this?”

Sonnett ignores her. “Over there. Those sweatshirts. No, the pink ones. Get me one? K, can I see the mugs now?”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that, right?” Lindsey asks, laughing again. 

Lindsey’s laugh warms Emily’s stomach every time she hears it, and she's be able to hear it a lot over the course of this morning. She knows Lindsey’s loving every minute of this. “Those. The stoneware tumblers. Get us two of those.”

“Us?” Lindsey jokes, but she grabs two. “You’re an expensive date.”

“Think about how cute we’ll be sitting out on your balcony drinking coffee from those next time I’m there.”

They both know that won’t be for awhile, they won’t play each other at Providence Park again during the regular season, but there are byes and weird middle of the week games, and Emily’s determined to find time to get back out there, no matter how exhausting a quick cross-country trip is.

“All right, baby, I’m home. Best long-distance date ever.” Lindsey's voice is soft and content.

“Can we do it every home game?” Emily begs, and Lindsey nods.

“Hey, I’m on 7%, so I’ll call you later?”

“No! Wait,” Emily exclaims. “Go in first?”

“Oh my god, do you really miss me this much?” Lindsey asks as she opens her door. The scents of citrus and lavender hit her nose before her eyes register a difference. All the microscopic dust particles that shimmer in the sunlight on her hardwood floor are gone. So are the random bits of turf that she somehow manages to track in after every training. Her floor is perfect and shiny. “What the fuck?” She's so confused. It's her apartment, but it's not.

“You like it?” comes Emily’s voice, quiet in her ear, not loud and boisterous like it’s been all morning.

“Em… I don’t understand.”

“You have a cleaning service now. They’re gonna come on game days. I set them up for the rest of the season. I mean, you can move them to a different day or whatever, but yeah…”

_Everything_ is shiny. The laundry basket full of towels that have been sitting there unfolded for days is empty, and there are flowers on her counter that Emily convinced Kling to bring in, along with a gift card from Whole Foods. “Baby...” Lindsey doesn’t know what else to say. And she’s blushing. She doesn’t know why, it’s ridiculous, really, that after this long Emily can still make her blush, but Emily’s just staring at her with these big hopeful eyes and her close-lipped smile, and goddamn, she went out of her way to plan all of this. For Lindsey.

“I just wanted to make things easier for you,” Emily mumbles. “Just want you to be happy. Cause this is our life for a little while longer, and I want you to know that it’s gonna be fine. I just want you to be able to find a new normal and be ok. We're ok. And also you have to go get groceries now because I already paid for that gift card.”

* * *

That night, Lindsey scores a brace, leading her team to a 3-1 win over OL Reign, over the coach who spent so much time knocking her down when she was just a kid. They're only her second and third goals of the season, but she feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders, like she’s finally coming back into form. It’s the lightest she’s felt since her MVP season. When she gets to her phone in her locker, there are lots of messages – from Mike and her dad, from Vlatko complimenting her, and even one from Cari, though Lindsey knows that’s only because a Reign loss moves the Courage into 2nd place. But she skims them all because Sonny’s are the only ones that matter. And one of them is a video. Lindsey presses play. It’s Emily, sitting on her couch in sweats, staring straight ahead, but not at the camera. The sounds of a game are on in the background, but before Lindsey can even figure out that it’s tonight's Thorns game, Sonny has lept up off the couch, pumped her fist in the air, and is screaming GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL like a madwoman. It's loud enough that the whole change room hears it.

“It’s Sonny!” Ellie says with excitement, immediately recognizing the voice. “What in the world is she screaming about?”

Lindsey rushes to lower the volume on her phone, but she breaks out in laughter at the sight of Emily’s face all up in the screen now, red from the exertion of jumping around her apartment and probably from a lack of oxygen. The video keeps panning between her huge smile and the replay of Lindsey’s goal from all the angles. “Just being typical weird Sonnett. Overly excited they beat Rose’s team,” Lindsey explains away. She doesn’t know for sure, but Emily might not want the now-enemy knowing all that ruckus was Sonny celebrating Lindsey’s second goal. And the three dots appear on Lindsey’s screen, like Emily was just waiting for her to see it, even though it’s almost 1 am in Orlando.

**Dasani**: What’d you think about that goal cele? Almost like the real thing, huh?

Lindsey can’t help but stupidly beam at her phone.

**Linessi**: You’re so weird. 

**Dasani**: Know the good thing about time zones? I make it home in time to see the second half of your games.

**Linessi**: And I scored, so you decided to rewind it and run around your apartment screaming?

**Dasani**: Psh. NO! I set up my phone and recorded myself watching the whole half. In case you scored. So if you did, you could get the real thing. I’m not giving you some fake goal celebration. That’s why you didn’t get one for the first goal. I wasn’t home yet. But I watched it. Sick header, Linds.

**Linessi**: Shut up. You did not record yourself for 45 minutes just in case.

Lindsey steps out into the hall and FaceTimes Emily. “You’re serious?”

“That was the real, live thing, baby. I’ve been recording myself watching all of your games that I’m home for.”

“Just in case I score? That’s insane, I haven’t been scoring. Why?”

“It was only a matter of time. Besides, what’s been your favorite moment of every season?”

Lindsey slides down against the wall, everything from the day sinking in. “Your celebrations when I score,” she says hoarsely. Lindsey’s cheeks are burning as much as her eyes are burning. “You’re gonna make me a second half player if that’s all your home in time to see.” It’s stupid to think that knowing Emily’s watching live, knowing if she scores, she’ll come back to the locker room at the end of the night to some video of Emily’s insane celebration, could be enough to push her to that next level, but it feels like it might. 

Emily may not be there, and she may miss some goals, but she’s not going to miss them all. She found a way to make sure that didn’t happen. And if it habituates Lindsey for some late game Olympic heroics, then it’s not a bad deal. “You’ve always loved showing off for me," she shrugs.

Lindsey doesn’t even bother arguing with that, because Emily’s not wrong. There have been disastrously missed bicycle kicks and flick ons and tackles during whole group training when she knew Emily was watching. At the beginning, there were disastrous meals too, because she wanted to impress Sonny with her cooking, but Emily put a stop to that when Lindsey almost burned down her place trying to put a grease fire out with water. She’s always turned it up a little bit more when Emily’s been around – biting her own tongue to keep from tearing up when she got the matching tattoo, mascara when she didn’t need it because Emily was only coming over to watch TV, getting a bit too drunk because she wanted to prove she could hold her liquor. But part of why she’s not arguing now is because she feels like she’s about to cry - happy tears. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” she’s chokes out. Her teammates are filing out of the change room with a chorus of “goodnights” and “good games,” and for the first time all season, Lindsey feels like this is her team again. They’ve always been her team, but she feels like she belongs again, like she can be present with them, like she’s finally not lost without Emily, like she didn’t actually lose everything that she had the past four years after all.

“Right back at ya, kid.” Sonnett doesn’t mean it flippantly, and it doesn’t have that tone. She just feels like what Lindsey’s been for her is way more than what she’s been in return.

“Stay awake til I get home so we can fall asleep together?”

“Always,” Sonnett yawns and Lindsey knows that by the time she gets home, Sonnett’s either going to be asleep, or halfway there.

“Hey! Stay awake. You might get to see a little more skin tonight than you did this morning.”

“I can definitely stay awake for boobies.”

Yep. Lindsey fell in love with an empathetic, funny, sweet, remarkable, gorgeous woman, who is sometimes still a teenage boy.


	54. Red Card Rewards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can't play, but she can sure as heck go watch Lindsey. And hang out with her friends. And have fun. Because fuck a red card.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story...  
Alyssa was traded to Utah.  
For Christen who was traded back to Chicago.  
Becky's trade never happened.  
And COVID-19 doesn't exist so the Olympics are a go.

She didn’t mean to get a red. Not really. Or at least, not for the purpose of being able to go watch Lindsey play. For the purpose of denying Carli a goal-scoring opportunity? Um, yeah – _that_ she meant. And really, Marc couldn’t even be all that mad at her because Carli sent that PK to the moon and the Pride won. So it was hero shit, really. She got a few claps on the back that were more towards “good job” than “it’s ok.” Marta didn’t get mad at her, not that she had any room to get mad at _anyone_ over a card. Ali went after the ref when he pulled the red, all wide-eyed with steam pouring out of her ears. Ash shrugged it off like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. She was going to have to sit out their next game, but… that seemed like a small price to pay.

Come to think of it, Lindsey was madder when she found out than any of Sonnett’s teammates were. She yelled loudly enough that Sonnett had to pull the phone away from her ear. And then she went on a rant about how Sonnett was never going to take Kelley’s spot if she kept up this stupid shit. Sonnett sat there patiently, fully aware that a) she didn’t really care to take Kelley’s spot because Kelley would retire soon enough and b) 99% of Lindsey’s rage was because of the fact that Sonnett lacked real competitiveness towards Kelley – yet her competitiveness was on full display with anyone else. Emily knew it brought up a lot of irrational, yet unresolved fears for Lindsey, as if being content as Kelley’s backup was some sort of sign Emily had feelings for Kelley. So the first words out of her mouth when Lindsey finally took a breath were, “Baby, I love you. So much.” And then she followed it up calmly with “Did you even see it?”

“No, I just heard about it after our game,” Lindsey admitted.

“You should probably watch it then. You know, before you yell at me?”

“I’m not yelling,” Lindsey argued. But she went up to her condo and pulled out her laptop and then grunted as she watched the replay. That grunt was enough for Sonnett to know she was right. 

“Now, would you like to hear the good news, or the good news?” Sonnett asked.

“What the fuck? The good news,” Lindsey rolled her eyes.

“Marc said since we’re so close to the Olympic break, and I can’t be on the field with the team for the next game anyway, I’m free to go after our last training mid-week.”

“And what’s the other good news?” Lindsey asked, not putting two-and-two together.

“Well, I’m not going home. Orlando’s hot as fuck. I’ve heard Utah’s nice this time of year. And before you start yelling again,” Sonnett rushed out, “think about your schedule.”

Oh. Oooohhh. Sonnett was done with training on Wednesday. Lindsey would be in Utah on Thursday. This had nothing to do with Kelley.

“So, do your thing and room with Tobin and then find out if Christen’s coming too, because Chicago has a bye. And then,” Sonnett continued, “find out if she’s getting a room, or if I need to. Unless you wanna stay at Kelley's. Cause she said we could.”

Sonnett had everyone’s damn schedule memorized. “You didn’t have to do this,” Lindsey pouted, mainly because she had been wrong about everything. “You were going to see me in like 2 weeks.”

“Ok, first of all, I didn’t _do_ anything. Second, fuck two weeks. Baby, I miss you now. And third, we aren’t gonna get to room together. Now, don’t worry about apologizing tonight. I’ll take my apology on Thursday with a side of naked, ok?”

Lindsey couldn’t help but giggle at that. “If you’re lucky.”

And it didn’t stop her from giving Emily a hard time all week about how she purposely took Carli out because she was horny.

* * *

The knock on Lindsey’s hotel room door is so soft she second guesses herself. She wouldn’t have heard it at all if she had had her airpods in. But when she opens the door to check, one Emily Sonnett is posted up against the doorframe, eyebrows raised, working so, so hard to keep that smirk off her face.

“How did you - ” Lindsey starts.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” Emily interrupts, exaggerating a drawl, “but I heard a very famous soccer player was staying in this hotel and I’m trying to find her room. To shoot my shot. Have you seen Lindsey Hoe-ran?” She purposely mispronounces Lindsey’s last name.

“Shut up,” Lindsey giggles, pulling Emily into the room and down on top of her on the closest bed. Emily’s hair falls forward, framing her face, and Lindsey cups her cheeks in both hands. “God, you are so beautiful and I missed you so much.”

“What was that about how stupid I was for getting another red card. And how I could have just waited to see you and how - ”

“Do you ever shut up?”

“No. Make me.” 

So Lindsey does, pulling Emily in and kissing her until she forgets the rest of her sentence. “But how did you know where to find me? I hadn’t even texted you my room number yet,” Lindsey finally breaks away. They hadn’t even been in the hotel long enough for her to unpack.

“Like I don’t have friends on this team,” Emily smirks, going back to kissing Lindsey.

“Spies is more like it,” Lindsey jokes. “We’re not leaving this room except for food and soccer. Actually, no, not for food. They have room service.”

“Coffee though. We’re gonna have to leave for coffee. I cannot drink _that_.” Emily crinkles her nose at the hotel Keurig through her smile.

“Well you better find a way to get coffee delivered then, because once you get me naked, I’m not putting clothes back on.”

Emily flips them, and Lindsey’s laugh fills her ears as she smacks Lindsey’s ass. “Deal!”

* * *

After the game – a 1-0 Thorns victory – Lindsey and Emily lag behind Kelley and her girlfriend, following them through the staff parking lot to Kelley’s car. Kelley’s convinced everyone to go out after the game so she can drink away her sorrows. The Royals loss would have been enough; the shit handball call in the box that led to a PK just about caused Kelley to blow her top. In the dimly lit parking lot, surrounded by high walls, Emily slides her arm around Lindsey’s waist, tripping up her steps as she pulls Lindsey close. Lindsey laughs and lets her arm fall over her girlfriend’s shoulders. She’s not annoyed to be going out with everyone, but she’s maybe a little annoyed that they’re at Kelley’s disposal. 

“I cannot believe you stayed up in the Royals box,” Lindsey huffs. 

“Press did and I bet Tobin didn’t give her shit,” Emily says defensively.

“Because that’s her old team, it’s different.”

“I wanted to hang out with her. It was like a box of all the girlfriends. And Zola. So much fun!”

Lindsey rolls her eyes. Some punishment for a red card that Emily’s seen. Sex, laughs, hangs, now alcohol. She’s never going to learn, Lindsey worries. She also worries about Kelley’s slightly off gait in front of them, but stays quiet. “You’re a traitor, you know that, right?”

“Listen,” Emily says seriously. “I wore this the entire time.” She lifts her tee to reveal Lindsey’s Thorns jersey underneath. “And I will wear this damn thing with your name across my back into whatever bar Kelley’s taking us to if that’s what you want.” Emily opens Lindsey’s door for her and Lindsey slides across. 

“Really?” Lindsey blushes at the thought of her name on Sonnett’s back.

“Really, really. You want me to get your number tattooed on my body, too?” Emily jokes. Or rather, she says in a way that sounds like a joke, but she’s not particularly opposed to it. Well, if Carli would retire and Rose and Lindsey could fight it out for 10 and all that could be settled she might get a nice Roman Numeral X somewhere. Prominent. Call it Chi. Ch. As in Christ. Or 10. For Lindsey. Or God. Whatever.

“Stop it, you wouldn’t,” Lindsey punches her shoulder. 

“Ow!” Emily whines. “I would. We already have matching ones. Might as well get one just for you.”

“On your ass cheek,” Lindsey giggles, pulling Emily halfway onto her lap so she can kiss her. “Can you imagine? I could see that every time - ”

Kelley slams on the breaks, sending Sonnett into the back of the seat. She starts yelling over their laughter at Sonnett to buckle her seatbelt or she will not put the car back in drive. Sonnett makes fun of her for being such a mom, but complies because yelling Kelley is a little scary. 

At the bar, she’s back to making fun of Kelley for Salt Lake’s lame bar scene. “I picked this place because all y'all are closet cases and you, in particular, can’t seem to keep your hands off your girlfriend. Appreciate the emptiness,” Kelley shoves Sonnett down onto a couch. But before Lindsey can sit next to her, Kelley is already reminding Sonnett of who she decided is going to buy her first drink tonight – amends for the unjust loss Kelley had to endure. 

Lindsey bites her tongue as she stares at Emily for a beat, before being dragged off to the bar. What’s she going to do, really? Say no to Kelley? Not with the mood she’s in from the loss. Not after that ref called a handball when the ball clearly hit her in the stomach. But it doesn’t stop Lindsey from mouthing “I hate you,” over her shoulder at Emily. Emily shrugs sheepishly, and when Lindsey returns, she scoots as close as she can, pressing against Lindsey so there’s no space between them. “I’m sorry. I love you,” she breathes in Lindsey’s ear. Lindsey just grunts, but the smile in her eyes betrays her, and before long, her hand is too high on Emily’s thigh. Maybe it’s intentional. Maybe because it feels good to be a little possessive. Maybe because it distracts Emily. Maybe because it makes her squirm. Maybe because it eventually pushes Emily to the point of dragging Lindsey to the bathroom just so she can get her hands on Lindsey’s ribs and her mouth on Lindsey’s neck. They stay there until Tobin bangs on the door, yelling about how they have a room.

“Hey,” Kelley kicks Emily’s shoe. “Stop with the heart eyes. I need to borrow your girlfriend.” Lindsey and Emily break eye contact to find Kelley standing before them, beer in each hand. She hands one to Lindsey and offers her now-free hand to help her off the couch. Lindsey looks back at Emily as she follows Kelley, but Emily’s already immersed herself in conversation with everyone else. She clearly has no intention of saving Lindsey from whatever uncomfortable conversation Kelley wants to have. “Darts or basketball?”

Lindsey turns back to Kelley. She’s uninterested in both, honestly. “Darts. And, um, thanks for the beer.” Kelley clinks her bottle against Lindsey’s without a word, then hands Lindsey her darts. “What are we doing, Kell?” Lindsey asks, trying not to sound exasperated, but Kelley’s response of simply pointing to the dartboard does little to quash her annoyance. 

“Cricket?”

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“See the numbers lit up at the top? You’ve gotta close those out. Hit them each 3 times,” Kelley clarifies.

“And the other numbers?”

“Well, don’t hit ‘em. Like, it doesn’t help you to. Just 15 through 20. And the Bull. You can go first,” Kelley says with an air of confidence, like she already knows she’s going to win.

Lindsey’s first attempts score her a 17, but she watches helplessly as her third throw bounces off the board and onto the floor. By Kelley’s second turn, she’s closed out the 19 and hit a bullseye. “Two beers is perfect for darts,” she winks at Lindsey. “So… how are things going?”

“Well, we beat you tonight. And we’re in first place, so I’d say pretty well.”

“Not soccer things. I don’t give a fuck about soccer. I mean with _y’all_. I care about y’all. I know getting used to distance isn’t easy.”

Lindsey softens at Kelley’s sincerity. She lets out a sigh and decides to at least try to talk to Kelley like she used to be able to talk to Kelley. “She’s fine in Orlando. But some mornings, I wake up and it’s like, I can’t process how this happened. How she’s not right there beside me. It doesn’t seem real after so long of having her there. I wasted so much time…” Lindsey’s voice trails off as she gets lost in her own thoughts. Kelley gives her shoulder a gentle squeeze, bringing her back. “But then, when I get past the everyday stuff, it’s not that bad I guess. We FaceTime all the time. I still get to see that dimple and that soft smile every day. She makes me laugh _every day_.” Lindsey closes out the 17.

“Not bad!” Kelley exclaims, referencing the game.

“You know she got me a cleaning service?” Lindsey asks, and Kelley pretends she did not know that. “I come home to flower deliveries sometimes. I’ll open my calendar and I’ll have a massage on there that I didn’t schedule or a nail appointment that I didn’t know about, and she says it’s because she’s not there to do those things for me anymore. There’s almost always something in my mail, I’m talking almost every day. Usually some stupid drawing with a joke. Sometimes a quote. Every once in a while, a love letter. Like a real one. Handwritten and vulnerable and…” Lindsey doesn’t finish that sentence, preferring to keep something for just the two of them. “She’s been talking to Rose about getting me a puppy after the Olympics.” Rose can’t keep a secret to save her life unless it benefits her. “You know she eats dinner at like 9 o’clock most nights?” Lindsey asks, and Kelley shakes her head. “She got me one of those meal subscription thingys. And then she got it for herself even though she doesn’t need it. Clearly. She’s so good in the kitchen. But she got it and she waits til it’s time for dinner for me – on the opposite side of the world,” Lindsey sighs, because it sure as hell seems like it’s the opposite side of the world sometimes. “Then we cook on FaceTime. She says it’s so she can help me, but, I mean, the instructions come with pictures. I could probably figure it out. She’s just that good.” Lindsey stops, mid-aim and looks at Kelley. “She’s the best person I’ve ever met, Kell. I don’t understand how you didn’t fall in love with her.” She turns away so Kelley doesn’t see the tears forming in her eyes, and hits the bullseye.

“Hell yeah!” Kelley gives her a high five before unceremoniously finishing off the game with a victory, which Lindsey should have predicted. Kelley’s good at everything she does. Offensive powerhouse turned World Cup winning outside back who can slot into the midfield like it’s nothing. Better on a surfboard than Alex. Rivals Alyssa in the crossword puzzle department. Darts, apparently. Smarter. Probably better in bed…

Kelley stops Lindsey’s spiral. “I couldn’t fall in love with her, are you crazy?” Kelley chuckles. Lindsey’s eyes darken at that. “Relax,” Kelley rubs Lindsey’s back. “It’s not like I wouldn’t have wanted to let myself fall for her.” 

Lindsey doesn’t know if that is relaxing – at all. 

“Woman. She has been in love with you since she was a kid. Since before you even knew she existed. Ya know when she got drafted and Alex got traded, she was convinced God was putting you two back together again because you belonged together?”

Again. That goddamn youth camp. Lindsey’s seen the picture. They were there together. And she has absolutely no recollection of Sonny during that time. At all. Which makes her wonder what else about her childhood she’s forgotten. And if she was just that horrible of a self-centered person, or if she had just blocked out their interactions because she didn’t want to think about the fact that she might be gay back then.

“I never stood a chance,” Kelley laughs. “No one on the face of this Earth has stood a chance with her from the moment she saw you on that field.”

Lindsey glances back at Emily again. She’s talking wildly with her hands and everyone’s laughing, and Lindsey just wants to go back to her.

“Why are you worried about her?” Kelley asks, but she doesn’t give Lindsey time to answer. “She’s fine. Her old self again. Better than her old self, honestly. Lindsey,” Kelley tries to get her attention back. “Look at how happy she is. Look at how far she’s come in the past six months. She’s got a family in these people. In us. Tobin, Christen, fucking Alyssa even. Me. Every single one of us would move Heaven and Earth for that kid. And she’s starting to realize that. She’s starting to figure out just how much she’s loved. And that’s because of you. You never left, even when it got hard. She needed to know what unconditional love was.”

Tears fill Lindsey’s eyes because she knows it’s not true. She did leave. She got on that plane. She flew home. She was scared to get back together. 

Kelley reaches up and wipes the tears off of Lindsey’s cheeks with her thumbs. “You didn’t leave,” she repeats, reading Lindsey’s mind. “She pushed you away. But you didn’t leave. You were still there, when she was ready. You loved her through it all. You love her as much as she loves you. Which is ridiculous and I don’t even understand how two people can love each other that much, but y’all are like Tobin and Christen 2.0. Fated. I’d never seen anything like it. Never thought I’d see it again. But you two…” Lindsey laughs and wipes the rest of the tears from her eyes. “Come on, one game of hoops and then you can go back to her.”

Kelley wins at stupid arcade basketball. Because of course she does. She probably could have just as easily played college basketball if she hadn’t been so short.

“Best outta three?” Lindsey asks, her competitive streak finally kicking in.

“You really must enjoy losing,” Kelley quips. 

“Thanks, Kell,” Lindsey mumbles midway through their game, barely audible above the music. 

Kelley ignores her, laser focused on the game. After she’s won again, she leans against the machine. “She’s sensitive. She’s vulnerable and she’s empathetic, on a level neither one of us will ever be. She loves us both. And we love her. Not the same way, but the same amount. We can’t keep making her feel like she has to choose. And I know it’s not a choice even really,” Kelley clarifies, “but she feels like it. I know she feels like she has to hide parts of herself because we don’t get along anymore. I hate that for her. I hate it for us. But beyond that, Lindsey, we’ve got the fucking Olympics coming up. And she can’t be distracted. She just can’t.”

Lindsey squints at Kelley, studying her. She wasn’t wrong about Kelley’s gait – not quite a limp - but still something. “Kell. Your- ”

Kelley cuts her off. “You never know what’s going to happen in these tournaments where we’ve got our games so compressed. She just needs to be ready. If she’s worried about us, she’s not all there.”

Lindsey chews on her cheek. She knows Emily’s going to have enough going on in her head without her parents in Tokyo. Kelley’s right; she doesn’t need a bigger burden.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t think my apology ever cut it. But I’m a blip in her past. You’re her forever. Tell me how to fix this, Linds. I’ll do anything for her. Which means,” Kelley concedes, “I’ll do anything for you.”

“Anything?” Lindsey cracks a smile, putting more quarters in the machine even though she knows she’s going to lose again. 

“Yes, loser. What do you want?” 

They begin shooting again while Lindsey thinks. “I want you to room with me in camp.” Kelley misses her shot. And the next three. “Fuck yeah, who’s the loser now,” Lindsey nods to their scoreboards. Kelley’s looks incredulous – about the score and the request. “Well I can’t room with her. Alex’ll have her own room. Let Sonny room with Rose. You and me.”

“You- you just want to be able to have her in your bed any chance you get cause you know I won’t complain or kick her out,” Kelley stammers.

“Maybe. Or maybe you and I both know how happy it’ll make her to see us over everything.”

“Are we? Over it, I mean. Because I am sorry for how you found out and how I got all pissed at you.”

“Yeah. We’re good. Really,” Lindsey adds, predicting that Kelley won’t quite buy into what she’s saying. “I’m sorry, too. Maybe I get a little jealous.”

“Eh, a little jealousy can be kinda hot. So we really gonna do this? You think you can tolerate me for 6 weeks?”

“More like you’re gonna be tolerating us for 6 weeks.”

Lindsey slides back in next to Emily, who only pauses her story long enough to place a loud, showy smack on her girlfriend’s cheek. Lindsey watches her talk without really listening – it’s probably a story she’s heard before anyway. 

How Emily switches flawlessly to talking with only one hand so she can hold Lindsey’s hand at the same time. 

The way she commands everyone’s attention because of the pure joy she brings. 

The crinkle of her eyes when their little group is doubled over in uproarious laughter. Emily’s on – she’s used to being on so much of the time – but it seems different now. Like she feels lighter and freer. Like it’s by choice not because she’s desperate for love and acceptance. Like she finally accepts herself.

This environment – even briefly – is like a panacea for her because no one’s hiding in public. Lindsey thinks that maybe Emily can see herself reflected in all of these other same-sex couples sitting around the couches. Kelley and her partner. Tobin and Christen. Alyssa and her girlfriend. She’d never consider their love for each other an abomination, which means the fact that she loves Lindsey isn’t one either. She needs these friends as role models. To show her that she can believe in her God and be gay. To show her that she owes the state she grew up in absolutely nothing. To show her she’s allowed to be happy and that, in fact, her happiness is _all_ that matters.

“I love you, babygirl,” Lindsey whispers in her ear as the conversation turns to the Olympics. Emily shifts and looks from her eyes to her lips and back, smile on her face, sparkle in her eyes. Lindsey thinks that’s all she needs to be happy for the rest of her life – _that_ look. 

* * *

“Linds?” Emily yawns against her chest. The sun is barely filtering in through the hotel blinds that they didn’t quite close all the way last night. She gets a little murmur back so at least she knows Lindsey is awake. “I didn’t book a flight back to Orlando. I packed everything I need for camp. Didn’t think you’d mind me going back to Portland with you for this week. Wanted it to be a surprise. But now I have to tell you because, well, it’s today.”

Lindsey sits up halfway, rolling Emily off her. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, should I have asked? I didn’t think it was a big- ”

“I packed all my shit, too, and changed my flight to Orlando,” Lindsey breaks in. 

They erupt into a mixture of giggles and kisses. “We’re idiots. Trying to surprise each other. Do we just extend our stay in the hotel this week, or… where do we go?” Emily asks.

* * *

“My place comes with breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. All vegan. Beast brand personal care products. You'll love them. TV but you’re gonna be subjected to watching whatever we’re watching,” Kelley says cheerfully, helping Lindsey and Emily drag their suitcases into her apartment and showing them to her guest bedroom. “Y'all made a good choice in staying here.” Kelley had always offered her place when they were in town before. So they finally decided to take her up on it because as it was, they were going to be in hotels for almost two months anyway. “It’s a Casper mattress. Way better than whatever you had in that hotel.” She hands them a stack of towels. “Fuck all you want, but don’t fuck it up. “Also,” she says, stopping in the doorway, “the walls are thin. So… sorry for whatever you hear! Welcome home!”

Lindsey and Emily are left alone in the bedroom, staring at each other. Emily bursts out laughing. Lindsey’s face is bright red. “We should have stayed at the hotel,” she grumbles. 

Kelley pops her head back into the room. “Dinner’s in an hour!”

“We can go back,” Emily offers, “if you’re not comfortable here. But you said it was ok. That y’all were good.”

“We are. It’s fine. Promise.”

“K. Let her take care of us. It makes her feel needed.”

“She wasn’t kidding,” Lindsey bursts out laughing. “These walls are so fucking thin.”

“Like paper. But also, she’s just loud,” Emily adds.

“How did you two ever sneak… never mind, I don’t wanna know.” Emily runs her thumb along the inside of Lindsey’s wrist, praying this isn’t going to turn into another fight.

They lay there holding hands in the darkness, staring at the ceiling. It grows quiet for a bit, but then Kelley’s vocalizations and curse words start carrying through the shared wall again. Lindsey finds her breath quickening and a growing feeling that she can’t ignore. She dips her hand below her waistband. She’s barely wet, but it’s enough.

“Linds, are you, oh my God,” Emily hisses, sitting halfway up. Lindsey’s eyes are closed and she’s biting her lip to stay quiet, uneven breaths escaping through her nose. “Oh fuck. Linds, is this because of Kelley? Do you want me to help you, or do you just need to hear her come again?” Emily whispers in her ear. All she gets in the way of a response is Lindsey gripping her hand tighter.

Seeing Lindsey like this, it’s different that watching her on the small screen of her phone. The way she’s trying so hard to stay quiet. Knowing that Kelley has an unintentional role in this is even hotter. She doesn’t know if she’s ever wanted Lindsey this bad. And yet, Lindsey seems to be doing perfectly fine without her. Which is even more frustrating. Or just hot. Emily can’t decide, but she can’t take her eyes of her girlfriend.

Kelley’s moans turn into higher pitched screams. “Fuck, Em,” Lindsey whispers. “God, I’m gonna- ” Emily swallows her cries with a kiss – deep and hungry – as Lindsey falls apart under her own fingers. It only takes her a minute to recover, Emily’s mouth on her nipple through her t-shirt. She needs more. “Inside,” she begs. Emily starts to push Lindsey’s shorts down, but Lindsey stops her. She can’t wait for that. “Em, baby, _please_.” Her voice reaches that whine that Emily can’t resist. Emily gives up on trying to get Lindsey naked, pushing her underwear aside and using her fingers to separate Lindsey’s slippery folds. Lindsey bites Emily’s lip as she slides two inside. “Don’t,” she whispers as Emily begins moving her fingers in and out. She grabs Emily’s wrist, keeping Emily’s fingers right on her g-spot. Emily uses her thigh for leverage until Lindsey’s begging her not to stop, until her legs are trembling and Emily’s having to drown out her sounds again.

"I feel like this is good practice for you staying quiet while we're in camp," Emily jokes, falling back down on the bed beside Lindsey.


	55. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Group Stage of the Olympics proves to be tougher than expected.

Lindsey studies the contours of Emily’s profile as Emily stares out the small window of the airplane. The way her eyebrows are knitted together. The bags under her eyes. Her cheeks seem just a little hollower and it makes the clench of her jaw more perceptible. Normalcy seems to come in waves for her, and after a long time riding the crest of a wave, she’s now, Lindsey fears, in a trough. If Lindsey didn’t know her so well, she could chalk it up to the look of someone who isn’t particularly fond of flying. Or she could blame it on the fact that they’re about 10 hours away from touching down in Tokyo and Emily’s stressed both about playing and _not_ playing. But she knows the reason Emily’s been so on edge lately, the reason she can’t sleep – and they were told to try to sleep right now – is her family.

* * *

They didn’t come to her sendoff game – Emma would have but she couldn’t get out of work – so she had no one there for her. Well, she had Lindsey’s family, who she profusely thanked multiple times for being so willing to step into the role of surrogate parents, but it wasn’t the same. It would never be the same. And it made her the only one without family around. It made her stand out when she didn’t want to stand out. It stirred up all those feelings of rejection she had worked so hard to wall off. It made her angry, which, considering how hard she worked to _not_ let that emotion fill her chest and spill over, she hated the most. The full 90 minutes she got in their final tune-up game meant almost nothing to the player who had always savored every minute she earned on the pitch in the US crest.

The worst part of it was that after months of her parents not talking to her, Emily reached out to them. Without even asking, she bought them flights out to LA for the last game and had tickets said aside for them. And she would have paid for their flights to Tokyo in a heartbeat. But when she called home, and her mom answered, Jane only had one question: _have you found the Lord?_ She had no desire to listen to Emily’s rambling response about how she had never lost him. She simply set the phone down on the counter and let Bill regretfully explain that they wouldn’t be able to make it. She tried. She was rejected. By her own mother. Again. 

Truthfully, Lindsey felt fortunate that it didn’t set off another spiral. Lindsey hates them. With every fiber of her being, more than she’s ever hated anyone. Even when Sonny tells her it’s ok. Even when Sonny tells her _she_ doesn’t hate them – they’re her parents, how could she? – Lindsey still hates them. She only stays quiet on Kelley’s advice. Lindsey raging against them will only burden Sonny even more. Lindsey’s always tried to live her life in a way that she’s not left regretting any of her decisions; right now, sitting in the middle seat of a row that has an empty aisle, she regrets not fighting harder for Emily. _She_ should have been the one to go to Georgia, sat down with them herself, begged if that’s what it took; she’s not above begging. Her heart aches because she didn’t; her brain knows it wouldn’t have made a difference. It doesn’t stop her from wishing she tried to convince them to come to Tokyo. Emily couldn’t open herself up to that kind of hurt again, but Lindsey could have. She wouldn’t have risked anything in doing so.

She spent a lot of time with Emily on the roof of their hotel in camp before they left. They could easily have found a room to be alone – there’s not a person on the team that wouldn’t accommodate them – but something about being indoors has been making Emily feel claustrophobic and panicky, which is probably why she's staring out the window now, trying to feel a little freedom. Even in a room where it’s just the two of them, when Kelley has left to go spend time with Alex and Charlie, Emily feels like the walls are closing in on her; she needs to get away. In the summer heat, they’ll lay on the warm concrete staring at the stars in silence. After a while, the sounds of the cars whizzing by and the occasional honking of a horn are calming, reassuring almost in the predictable steadiness with which they wax and wane. She hopes for Emily’s sake, wherever they land in Tokyo, there’s an off-limits stairway to an empty rooftop.

* * *

She snuggles harder against Sonny, who kind of seems shocked by her presence and snaps out of whatever thoughts she was lost in. She readjusts and puts her arm around Lindsey’s shoulders as Lindsey tucks her feet up under herself. 

“Ugh!” Rose complains, staring them down from across the aisle. “You’re inseparable now that you can’t live together. It’s sooo annoying.” 

“More like insufferable,” Sam chimes in. “Does it ever occur to you guys that we don’t get to spend time with you for the majority of the year either? And maybe you should hang out with us?”

“No,” Sonnett deadpans, leaning over Lindsey to look at them. 

Rose stretches across the aisle, poking Lindsey with her foot. “Switch with me.”

“No!” Lindsey huffs, clutching Sonnett’s arm tighter.

“Share her!” Rose says, more insistent.

“No!”

“Sonnett, tell her you miss me.” Rose whines.

“Shut the fuck up!” Kelley screams at them from a row back.

“God, she’s grouchy,” Rose says, sinking back into her seat to pout.

“Old is more like it, it’s only 11,” Sonnett quips, peaking back at Kelley through the crack in between the seats.

“Grandma,” Lindsey adds.

“She’s going to get us back at some point for fucking with her sleep. Or more like you,” Rose points out to Linsdey, “since you’re rooming with her. Don’t you dare help her with anything.” Rose adds, in a voice that takes on a little bit of a threatening tone.

* * *

Sapporo is beautiful, and playing two games in the same place makes it feel like they have more time to explore than they did in France. There’s still hours of film breakdown and treatment, meditation and lifts mixed in with a few hours of training every day, but they can get out some, and that almost makes up for missing the opening ceremonies. 

“Promise we’ll go to an Olympics just to watch sometime after we’re done playing,” Emily asks, bumping Lindsey’s shoulder as they walk side-by-side through the underground tunnels that connect the city. There’d been a lot of “promise that we’ll…” so far on this trip, as Emily tries to keep her anxiety under control. It's a way to control things, to make what feel like concrete plans. Like this excursion that began with a “Promise that we’ll have miso ramen before we leave here. This is where it originated.” Hence, their attempt to find Shingen right now. Even though it’s a sweltering 96 degrees in the middle of the day because Emily read online that the shop is no longer non-smoking after 4pm. 

The sights and sounds are overwhelming. So are the smells. But it’s the crowding that’s getting to Emily as they near the shop, Lindsey can tell. She grabs her girlfriend’s hand to lead her through the clusters of people, and she sees the panic in Emily’s eyes as they dart down to her hand, now firmly gripped by Lindsey’s, but Lindsey doesn’t let go until they’re in line outside the shop. It’s a long wait, and she watches Emily shifting her weight restlessly. She remembers something Kelley told her, leaning over the back of her seat once Emily finally fell asleep on the flight. _She’s fine when she’s having fun. We just fill her time with good memories and that’ll push out the bad._ “Hey,” Lindsey gets her attention. “This gray wall makes for a nice background.” She shoves her phone into Sonny’s hand. “Give me some good Instagram content.”

“In an alley?”

Lindsey nods and starts striking poses until she has Sonnett doubled over in laughter and relaxed enough to ask Lindsey take photos of her hanging onto the Coke machine out front. They snap several selfies until a stranger takes pity on them and offers to take a photo of them under the restaurant sign. Sonnett leans into Lindsey to see the photo. “We’re cute.”

“You’re cute,” Lindsey replies, and it takes all her willpower not to kiss Emily on the cheek in the middle of this crowd that’s probably paying them no attention at all. They’re finally seated at the counter. “Order for me,” Lindsey nudges Emily with her knee. “I can’t read any of this anyway.”

“I can tell you what’s what, I looked up the menu and memorized it,” Sonnett offers.

“Nah, I like when you order for me. You always do it better.” Lindsey knows it’s stupid, but it goes beyond Emily choosing something more adventurous for her than she would select on her own. It’s this little gesture that made her feel taken care of when they were thousands of miles apart and FaceTiming during pre-game breakfasts. Now that they’re together, she doesn’t want it to end. She marvels at how carefully Emily chooses for her, how attentive she’s been all along to Lindsey’s likes and dislikes. “And I like being surprised,” she smiles, making sure she’s done enough to convince Emily.

Sonnett points out two items on the menu. They watch everything being freshly prepared right in front of them in silence as the rest of the world seems to fade away. No crowd. No Olympics. No parents. No self-hatred. It’s just them, sitting next to each other, knees touching in the small space, the way it was always supposed to be, and nothing else matters. Lindsey’s glad she put her foot down and said no when Kelley begged to come with them. They just needed some time away from everyone. In what seems like no time at all, their food is placed in front of them, a spicy Echigo and a side of fried rice for Lindsey, and huge bowl of Shinshu Koku Miso for Sonnett, and suddenly, the focus is on Instagram-worthy photos of their food. “It’s good,” Lindsey grins, finally able to taste her food once Sonnett gives her the go-ahead after checking her photos. 

“So good!” Sonnett slurps, dripping broth down her chin. Lindsey leans over and dabs it off lovingly. And then she and grabs some of Sonnett’s noodles with her chopsticks, and pushes her rice closer for Sonnett to try.

“So full. Streetcar,” Sonnett sighs, walking back out into the heat. They manage to figure out how to take the tram to the subway and the subway to Odori Park. They wander around the flower gardens until it’s past dinnertime and their camera rolls are full of pictures just for them. Despite being stuffed, they try edible honeysuckle and hot buttered potatoes from street vendors because it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Lindsey can’t help but get the feeling that Sonnett’s anxiety is returning as they get closer and closer to having to go back to the hotel. 

“Want to stay until it’s dark and the tower lights up?” Lindsey asks, and Sonnett’s relief is palpable. They find a bench near a fountain.

“I still can’t believe you scored a hat trick in the freaking Olympics,” Sonnett says in amazement even though it’s been several days. “I just can’t get over it. A hat trick. In our opening game. It’s incredible, Linds. You’re like a legit American hero now. And you’re _mine_,” she shakes her head almost in disbelief. “You’ve been on the news and ESPN and the Today Show and you freaking got to roasted by Seth Meyers for falling when you went to pick up that ball out of bounds. I’m so proud of you!”

Lindsey lets out a little hum. 

* * *

It _was_ a big moment, huge really, when she stops to think about it. She can still hear the roar of the crowd. Again. And again. And again. She remembers jumping into Sonnett’s arms after the third one, so hard that she feared for a split second that she’d knock Sonny over. But the goals themselves were a blur. Kelley wouldn’t shut up about them afterwards and when Lindsey finally admitted that she couldn’t even remember how the balls hit the back of the net, Kelley scoffed and forced her to watch the replays of the goals on repeat, sandwiched in between her and Sonny in her hotel room bed. 

It’s not that she doesn’t remember the night, it’s just that what’s most prominent in her mind is something totally different, something that seems more important than scoring three goals against a team they were going to beat anyway. She remembers the look on Emily’s face when they both went up to greet Lindsey’s parents after the game and Emily realized that Linda was wearing SONNETT on her back, not HORAN. She remembers Emily’s chin trembling and her mom pulling her girlfriend into the tightest hug possible, whispering in her ear and not letting her go until she was sure Sonny wasn’t going to cry in front of a stadium full of people and television cameras. She remembers the way Sonny’s shoulders sagged in relief and the way her mom cupped Sonny’s face, looking at her the exact same way she looked at Lindsey: full of love and pride. She remembers the familiar prick of tears in the corner of her eyes, and wiping them away quickly with a sniffle as she talked to her dad and brother. She wanted to ask Emily what her mom said; somehow it felt too personal, especially with the way Emily grabbed her as soon as they were out of sight and in the tunnel. There, the tears flowed freely. It felt like she might not ever let go.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Sonnett finally whispered against her neck, both of their faces wet with tears.

“I didn’t, babe. I had no idea. Honestly. I could have given her one of your jerseys if she had asked, but the woman literally went and ordered it online to surprise you.”

“She told me there was no way she was going to let me play in a stadium without someone who loved me wearing my number,” Sonnett said later, quietly, just so Lindsey could hear, as they were on the bus back to the hotel. 

Lindsey squeezed her hand. “My whole family adores you, Em.” She left it that, even though she knew her mom had said way more.

* * *

“Look.” Emily’s voice snaps her back to the present. The tower is lit up blue, sparkling in the night sky.

“It’s not Paris, but it’ll do.”

“We need to go back there, too,” Sonnett leans on her shoulder. 

“We’ll be back there in exactly four years,” Lindsey reminds her. “Baby, we’ll do all the things. Whatever you want. There’s plenty of time.”

They finally give in and decide it’s time to go back to the hotel. The 10 pm start time of their game gives them a little leniency on bedtime, but they can’t stay out forever. They begin the 10-minute walk back, but two minutes in, Sonnett’s ducking inside a sweet shop to browse. Lindsey tries to pull her back out before she’s sucked in, but Sonnett protests. “Come on, we’re not going to have any other time to explore. And I want something sweet.”

“You have me, aren’t I sweet enough?” Lindsey grumbles, but she follows her girlfriend inside with a sigh. 

After a few minutes of wandering around and looking at pictures because they have no idea what they’re reading, an older woman comes up behind them. “White lover” she says. Both women spin around, mouths agape, looking between her and each other. Sonnett makes a choking sound as she tries to ask the women to repeat what she said because there’s no way she heard that correctly. “White lover,” the woman repeats and Sonnett’s eyes widen. It’s about the most awkward experience either of them has ever had. And then the woman hands them a package of cookies. “Shiroi Koibito,” the woman explains, “means white lover. These are what we are most famous for. You must take some home to your families.”

“Oh my God, I don’t know how I made it out of there without cracking up!” Sonnett says laughing loudly as they exit the store. “I thought she was calling us white lovers and I was like ‘how does this woman know?’” Lindsey just shakes her head at the whole situation. “White lover.” It starts Sonnett cackling all over again and pretty soon, Lindsey can’t help but laugh, too. “That’s going to be what I call you from now on, has to be.” Lindsey tries to elbow her, but Sonnett escapes to the very edge of the curb at the last second. She reaches in her bag and pulls out a package of cookies, tearing into it and taking two out. “A sweet for my lover,” she grins handing one to Lindsey.

“I can’t believe you bought six packages.”

“Well, she said they’d make good souvenirs,” Sonnett shrugs. “And I felt bad for almost laughing. I mean, your face said it all, so I know mine must have been ridiculous. Felt like I owed it to her.”

“You missed dinner.” Rose’s voice is almost scolding in its tone as Sonnett comes into their room. 

“It wasn’t mandatory, Rosie,” Sonnett tries explaining. It falls on deaf ears because Rose shoves her AirPods back in, ignoring her friend. Sonnett hops in the shower and climbs into Rose’s bed after. She pops one of the earbuds into her own ear. She’ll never understand how Rose can listen to hip hop right before bed. “You can be my best man,” Sonnett tells her, trying to smooth things over, but it shocks Rose more than anything.

“You are _not_ getting married!”

“Well, no. Not now,” Sonnett stammers. “But I _will_ marry her. Someday.”

“Ugh. I’m going to lose you both, forever.”

“Come on, Rosie, you’re not. You can have the title of best friend back.”

“Only because she gets the title of wife? Ugh. That somehow feels a lot like second best.” Rose sighs. “Fine. But you can’t take it back now that you asked. No matter how many years from now it is, I’m not going to forget. You can’t replace me with Kelley. I’m gonna be the best best man ever. I’ve never seen strippers. There will be strippers and- ”

Sonnett chuckles and interrupts her, afraid of what else Rose already has in mind for this imaginary occasion. “I won’t replace you. Promise,” and she reaches her pinky towards Rose, before pulling the covers back and sliding under. 

“What are you doing?” Rose demands to know.

“Sleeping.”

“In my bed?”

“Didn’t you say you missed me?” Sonnett asks, closing her eyes.

“Not that much,” Rose says with so much attitude Sonnett knows it’s fake. “It’s only because you miss Lindsey and you want someone to snuggle with,” Rose continues complaining, but she throws her book onto Sonnett’s bed and slides under the covers. “Always second best.”

* * *

Sonnett never expected to play against Sweden. Her minutes against Zambia were no big deal, but Sweden was huge and she was perfect for the 25 minutes she was on the pitch, despite Sweden’s tactical change, pressing down Sonnett’s side, testing her again and again. Lindsey’s so proud of her and despite the loud and hectic atmosphere surrounding their 2-1 comeback win against one of the top European sides, Lindsey tries to show her with small touches to her lower back in passing and one extra-long hug. The change room isn’t quiet, the bus isn’t quiet either, and this time, it’s Lindsey longing for a bit of peace amidst the madness. But she enjoys looking up at Sonnett, spun around and kneeling in her seat as the bus drives them back to the hotel, yelling and being her insane self with her teammates again. They’re celebrating like it’s a knockout game, but really, it’s a lot of pent up stress being let out in relief. And it’s the only moment they get to breathe before preparing for their next game against Australia. 

Back at the hotel, Lindsey has her own plans for releasing some of that nervous energy. As Emily starts to turn left out of the elevator, Lindsey tugs her to the right. Just inside the door, Emily stops and leans against the wall while Lindsey sits back against her headboard. “What are you standing there for?”

It’s finally hit her that her being subbed in tonight wasn’t just precautionary; if Kelley’s still with the training staff, she may really be injured. Which means…

“Come here,” Lindsey says softly, and when Sonnett’s close enough, she pulls the smaller woman into her lap. She pushes Sonnett’s flyaways back. “You killed it out there.”

Lindsey sounds so proud and when she leans forward for a kiss, Sonnett, for once, can’t argue with her. Lindsey’s hands find either side of Sonnett’s face, pulling her closer, and by the time her hands are creeping under Sonnett’s shirt, Sonnett’s almost forgotten what she was worried about in the first place. She loves the tingling sensation of Lindsey’s fingertips skating across her ribs; she can always get lost in that feeling. 

Lindsey loves feeling Sonnett’s skin, warm and soft. She needs more of it. Slowly, she works Sonnett’s shirt over her head, exposing her lightly freckled shoulders and chest. She loves how responsive Sonnett is to her. She chases the shivers that run through Emily’s body when she whispers in her ear. She chases the goosebumps that spread down Emily’s back as her fingers trail along her spine. She chases the way Emily’s muscles tense when she moves her hands to Emily’s ass. She chases the way Emily rolls down into her lap when she gets the pressure of her thumbs against Emily’s hips just right, and the way her breathing quickens. She chases the way Emily’s tongue explores her mouth when she tangles her hand in Emily’s still-damp hair. It’s a long, slow makeout session that they haven’t had in a long time. Finally, Lindsey works her hand up under Emily’s sports bra, tired of only feeling Emily’s nipples through fabric. She cups her breast and that draws out a little sound from the back of Emily’s throat that makes Lindsey smile against her lips. “Why do you still have all these clothes on?” Lindsey asks her between kisses.

“You didn’t take them off,” Sonnett mumbles, shifting so she’s centered on one of Lindsey’s thighs. “And you didn’t ask me to take them off.” She rubs herself against Lindsey, letting a little moan escape right into Lindsey’s ear. “Besides, you still have all yours on.”

They’re almost too preoccupied to hear Kelley come into the room, until Kelley lets out a loud, dramatic sigh, and they separate their lips to look at her. “Seriously?” Kelley says, staring straight at Lindsey. “I give you all this time alone, and all you’ve managed to do is get her shirt off?” She shakes her head and mumbles “Pathetic,” under her breath. 

Sonnett leans into Lindsey, not at all mad that Lindsey's hand is still under her bra.

“Listen,” Lindsey starts out so confidently before she being stumbling over her words, “not everyone… it’s just…we…”

Emily smiles into Lindsey’s neck as she tries to cope with the judgement that was dripping from Kelley’s voice. It doesn’t bother Emily one bit, because if Kelley knew all the things they’d done, she’d be shocked. Or impressed. Or turned on. All three, probably. “Why don’t you come join us, Kell, show us how to get things moving?” Emily suggests, determined to take the attention off of Lindsey.

The deep crimson shade Kelley turns is worth it, and Lindsey breaks out into a fit of laughter. Now it’s Kelley’s turn to stutter. “I- what? You… you’re not serious. Right? Because um- fuck. I have- see I- oh boy- ”

Emily waits patiently, eyebrows raised, cheek pressed against Lindsey as they watch Kelley sweat. “You have a girlfriend,” Emily finally supplies.

“Th- that,” Kelley points at her. “Yes.”

Emily snorts. She finds her shirt on mixed up in the sheets. “See you in the morning, baby,” she says, giving Lindsey a long, passionate kiss, maybe for show. “Y’all have a good night.”

She gets two separate texts before she goes to bed.

**Linessi**: You’re mean. She’s over here tossing and turning.

**Dasani**: She deserved it.

**Linessi**: She so did. 

… … …

Is it something that you want to do?

Like, did you mean it?

Do you still think about her?

**Dasani**: I don’t ever think about her. I shouldn’t have joked about it. I’m sorry.

**Linessi**: No, it’s ok. I mean, it sure is a thought.

Would you tho?

**Dasani**: Have a threesome with Kelley?

**Linessi**: Yeah

**Dasani**: That would be totally up to you. And only if it were about you.

**Linessi**: I mean, she has a gf.

**Dasani**: She does

**Linessi**: I couldn’t deal with seeing you with her.

**Dasani**: Nope

**Linessi**: I get jealous

**Dasani**: I know. It's hot.

**Linessi**: It wouldn’t make you jealous?

**Dasani**: nope, don’t think so

She leaves out the part about feeling a little bit like it would only be fair. She’s had Kelley, and that bothers Lindsey. Or bothered her; she seems over it now. But, this imaginary situation would be an interesting… fix… for it if it were still a problem.

**Dasani**: I love you.

**Linessi**: Love you, too.

**KO**: wtf Sonnett. Are you serious?

**Sonnett**: Do you want me to be serious?

A long time passes without Kelley responding. Emily’s eyes are closing and she’s about to drift off to sleep, but she decides to fuck with Kelley one more time.

**Sonnett**: Should ask my gf if you’re hoping I’m serious. Which, I think you are. Hoping. 

**KO**: … … …

**Sonnett**: You have a gf, dumbass. Night.

How’s your ankle?

**KO**: It’s, you know, still attached.

* * *

They both get the start in their final group stage game against Australia, Sonnett, in her mind, by default because of Kelley’s injury, and Lindsey because she’s playing the best ball of her life. They’re fine until the 67th minute, leading on an early goal by Christen, and dominating the game. But then, they get caught in transition off a cleared corner, and Sonnett can’t make it back in time to track down Hayley. Her cross is perfectly placed through Alyssa’s outstretched arms and finds Sam’s head. Sam’s header finds the back of the net. The game ends in a tie that never should have happened, off one of the few decent transitions the Matildas got all game.

Sonnett holds it together seeing Lindsey’s parents. She holds it together in the locker room, quiet, but most everyone is. The tie against Australia puts them in second in their group. The tie against Australia means they meet Great Britain in the Quarterfinals. Second is unheard of for a team that’s enjoyed nothing but success for years. Great Britain this early means the potential for an early exit. Again. A nightmare repeat of four years ago, even though no one wants to admit that they're all thinking it.

She can’t hold it together anymore once she’s back at the hotel. She tells Lindsey she just needs some time, but before long, Rose is texting that Sonnett looks like she’s on the verge of hyperventilating. Lindsey and Kelley rush down the hall and Rose already has the door open for them. She’s crying, and it’s hard to tell if her face is red from the tears or because she really is struggling to breathe. “We need to get her out of here,” Lindsey orders, knowing she’s having a panic attack. They had never found a way onto the hotel roof, but Lindsey knows Sonnett needs air. “Come on, let’s go outside,” she says, helping Sonnett off the floor.

Out in the hallway, Sonnett freezes. She can’t stand the thought of being in the small space of an elevator right now, even for a few seconds. Or the thought of walking through the hotel lobby looking like she looks at the moment. She slides down along the wall only a few steps from her door.

“Baby,” Lindsey says softly, dropping to her knees, “let’s get you some fresh air.”

Sonnett shakes her head, and pulls away as Kelley tries to help her back up. They end up sandwiching her. She doesn’t feel suffocated by their closeness and even though the hallway is narrow, it’s long and makes her feel like she could escape if she needs to. They calm her enough to mostly stop the tears and eventually, her breathing returns to almost normal. But all the reassuring words in the world aren’t enough to make her believe she’s good enough. All the attempts to make her laugh so she’ll stop worrying are fruitless. All the promises in the world cannot convince her that the goal scored against them today wasn’t her fault. These two love her so much that it makes it harder for her to trust what they’re saying. And as much as she wants to play, she does _not_ want to play in an Olympic quarterfinal. She wants Kelley to be better, healed, ready to kick ass, and everyone there knows that’s highly unlikely.

Alyssa rounds the corner, shocking everyone that she’s still awake. Sonnett visibly tenses, knowing how upset Alyssa was after the game, and immediately feeling worse. As Alyssa squats in front of her, she feels the panic rising in her chest all over again. She looks down, unable to deal with facing the goalkeeper. “Hey,” Alyssa says softly, “Wanna sit with me while I ice?”

Sonnett nods, feeling like she can’t say no. Alyssa sends Kelley and Lindsey away. It feels like one of the scariest moments she’s had on the team since she was a newbie. But then Alyssa puts an arm around Sonnett’s shoulder and doesn’t say a word about soccer. She asks about Lindsey, about how things are going, and it’s an instant relief. Her frame is good for cuddling into, and as much as she says she hates hugs, Alyssa gives good ones. It makes Sonnett feel like there’s a chance Alyssa’s not mad at her. It brings her back to January camp when Alyssa took care of her. It reminds her that Alyssa cares about her, which she sometimes forgets because she’s pulled a half dozen different directions between her close friends on the team and because Alyssa shies away from all of their madness. They talk for a long while about their partners, and it’s more effective at calming Sonnett down than anything Kelley or Lindsey or Rose could do.

It’s not until Sonnett’s smiling again that Alyssa brings up the game. She tells Sonnett that she was doing what she had been told to do in pushing up. She points out the failure to slow the break in the midfield. She blames herself for the goal. And no matter how much Sonnett tries to protest, Alyssa won’t let her take responsibility for it. It’s different coming from Alyssa, who doesn’t have the ability to sugarcoat things even if doing so would spare Sonnett’s feelings. And then she says something that completely changes Sonnett’s demeanor.

“Son, I watch you guys everyday practicing in front of me. I’ve watched you for years. You have improved so much. You’re a completely different back than when you first came into camp, but in your head, you still that same reckless-at-the-wrong-times, timid-at-the-wrong-times girl. Somehow, along the way, you missed seeing the player you’ve actually become. You owned England last time we played them. There’s no reason to be worried now. And Sonnett, I’m gonna tell you this right now, if Kelley gets cleared at some point, and Vlatko were to ask me who I want back there, I’d pick you. I know you’re probably never going to believe me, but you’re the best right back on the team right now. And if you don’t believe me, you should ask Becky.”

Sonnett feels like she can’t even form words in the moment. She just stares at Alyssa until she feels like she’s going to start crying all over again, and then hugs her so tightly Alyssa feels like her ribs might break.

“Get off me,” Alyssa pushes her away and Sonnett grins. “This is way too much touching for one night. So much so that when we beat the Brits, you’re not allowed to hug me. You already used up your hug allotment.”

“Kelley said you have to go sleep in their room,” Rose grumbles when she opens the door for Sonnett, who had to knock because she didn’t have a key. “She texted that their door is open and if you don’t, Lindsey’s going to worry all night and keep her up and I’m still annoyed about the peanut butter she spread on all our knobs as payback for fucking with her sleep on the plane, so can you please just do what she says?” Rose closes the door in her face.

Sonnett pads down the hall and slips into their room as quietly as possible. There was no reason to, honestly, they’re both wide awake.

“You’re ok,” Lindsey says, the relief in her voice evident.

“What’d she say to you?” Kelley asks, slightly annoyed that Alyssa of all people could calm Sonny down.

“That it wasn’t my fault,” Emily says simply, and Kelley glares at her like she hadn’t said the same damn thing. “This is illegal,” Emily continues and she climbs into bed with Lindsey. “We’re supposed to sleep alone so we get good sleep.”

Kelley rolls her eyes. “I can’t get good sleep when you idiots are worried and stressing over shit, and you both sleep better together, so shut the fuck up and go to sleep.”

“Yes, Miss Kelley,” Lindsey says so sing-songy that Kelley can hear her smile, and she knows that Sonnett fucking told her what being called that in bed does for her. She decides that tomorrow’s off-day will have to be dedicated to payback for that transgression.


	56. Rules are Meant to be Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey takes care of Sonnett.  
Sonnett tries to take care of Kelley.  
And Rose is... Rose.

**Lindsey Horan**: You need to take time off work.

**Emma Sonnett**: Hi to you, too, Lindsey. It’s like 2am here. What’s up?

**Lindsey Horan**: Well you didn’t have to respond. Why isn’t your phone silenced?

**Emma Sonnett**: Because emergencies. Like this better be.

**Lindsey Horan**: Kinda. I need Brooks’ birthday. And he needs to take time off work, too. None of this “we can’t” nonsense like last time.

**Emma Sonnett**: This sounds like not an emergency.

**Lindsey Horan**: Your sister is probably going to play every minute of the rest of this tournament. She deserves to have family here to watch her. It’s the fucking Olympics. I’m not going to let her play on a stage this big without you guys. If your parents want to be shitty, well that’s on them. But you’re not going to be. Work isn’t a good enough excuse. So I’m flying you out here for the knockouts and you’re going to surprise her and she never has to know I had anything to do with this.

**Emma Sonnett**: Look, I appreciate it, and she is soooo lucky to have you, but no. Even if I could take off, that’s gotta cost thousands.

**Lindsey Horan**: $7000ish

**Emma Sonnett**: No. That’s ridiculous.

**Lindsey Horan**: For both of you.

**Emma Sonnett**: I would hope.

**Lindsey Horan**: That includes a hotel. She’s worth every penny. And more. I already added your names to the list for tickets in the family section. And I’m about to book these flights. So tell me his birthday.

**Emma Sonnett**: I don’t even know if he can get off work.

**Lindsey Horan**: You can wake him up and ask. You can tell me his birthday. Or I can just book your ticket, but really, do you want to come here by yourself? Unless there's someone else you want to bring? One of her friends?

**Emma Sonnett**: You’re not going to give up on this are you?

**Lindsey Horan**: I'’m never gonna give up on her.

* * *

“Come here,” Lindsey pulls Emily back into the elevator after everyone gets off on their floor.

“What? Why?” Sonnett’s spent, and she was already half dreaming of collapsing into her bed on the long elevator ride up.

“Just trust me.” They get off on the top floor and take another flight of stairs up to the roof, Lindsey tugging Sonnett by the hand behind her. Lindsey jams a shoe in between the door and the frame so it won’t lock them out. “Look what I found.” 

The view of Tokyo from the top of their hotel is spectacular, better than from their rooms where the windows just face the wall of another skyscraper. It’s more lights and colors than Emily’s seen in her entire life. Like Times Square, but from above, and all the way around for miles, as far as she can see. Suddenly, she feels very much alive. “Linds, this is incredible,” she whispers in awe.

“Except it’s so bright you can’t see the stars.”

“Still,” Emily murmurs, leaning over the concrete barrier just a little to look down onto the busy street, “you have stars back home. You don’t have this.”

Lindsey steps up behind Emily, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman, letting her hands slip under her shirt. The steady rise and fall of Emily’s stomach is familiar in the midst of what sometimes feels a lot like chaos. “The stars back home aren’t the same now that you’re gone,” Lindsey says quietly against Emily’s temple. There’s a sadness in her voice and no way of hiding it. “They’re not as bright.” She knows she shouldn’t bring it up, knows that it’s likely to make Emily feel bad about everything all over again, but she can’t help it. Everything seems duller without Emily around – lights, sounds, colors, flavors. “You make everything in my life brighter. Or you heighten my senses, I don’t know which, but you make everything better.”

Emily reluctantly turns away from the city to look at Lindsey. She caresses her girlfriend's cheek lovingly, appreciating the way Lindsey always leans into her hand. “You make everything better, too. I think that’s the whole point of this.”

“Of what?”

“Us.” She hugs tightly against Lindsey’s chest with a contented sigh. “Thank you for getting Emma and Brooks here. I can’t believe y’all didn’t tell me. That was _the best_ surprise after the game.”

“Hey, I had nothing to do with that,” Lindsey says innocently, but Emily doesn’t believe her for a second. “Guess they wanted to surprise you.”

“Uh-huh,” she says breathing in the scent of Lindsey’s soap and feeling more at peace than she’s felt since before they left the States. “How much did a last-minute trip across the ocean set you back?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. They probably planned this a long time ago. When you made the roster, I bet.”

“Whatever,” Emily plants a kiss on her lips. “You have no idea how much it means to me.” It’s not her parents, and Lindsey’s mom wearing her jersey to every game has been super sweet, but Emma is the person she’s closest to, and it’s just different knowing she was and will be in the stands, knowing that she has her own person to hug after a game.

Lindsey thinks she probably does have a pretty good idea of what it meant to Emily, at least if she’s basing it off of how much weight seems to be lifted off of her shoulders all of a sudden, weight that has nothing to do with soccer and everything to do with something bigger. 

“Linds, you were so good out there tonight,” Emily changes the subject. Lindsey’s goal against Great Britain has left her tied with Kerr as the leading scorers in the tournament, a remarkable feat really, considering the time she spends on the defensive side of the ball. Emily doesn’t say it because she’s afraid of putting any extra pressure on Lindsey, but she feels like the midfielder has a real chance of claiming that title. Of course, Rose could catch her, only one goal back, but that wouldn’t be too bad either. “Two game-winning goals. So far.”

“Babe, _you_ were incredible tonight. You shut down Lucy and Beth for 90 minutes. Everything they threw at you.” Teams are going to keep testing that side now that Sonnett's there, not Kelley, seeing her as the weak link. So far, she's been anything but weak.

“Ninety-nine. Technically. If you count stoppage time.”

“Which absolutely counts,” Lindsey presses a kiss into her forehead. “100%. Ninety-nine minutes of incredible,” Lindsey smiles.

“Only because you were back there helping me,” Sonnett concedes.

“Because we make a great team.”

“The best.”

“As long as we don’t try to play 1-2s,” Lindsey jokes.

“Never again,” Sonnett agrees. “Dude, I just wanted the ball as far up the field as possible tonight.”

“Babe?” Lindsey’s voice lowers a little as she nuzzles into Sonnett’s neck. Her hands start to creep under Sonnett’s shirt again, and Sonnett hums into her, swaying a little, her hands guiding Lindsey’s hips. They’ve behaved the whole trip. They behaved before that, in camp in the States. They’ve been good, even when they’ve had the chance, that Lindsey doesn’t want to be good anymore. She pulls Sonnett forward with her. “Let me show you how good you were.” Her tone is so suggestive that it leaves absolutely no room for doubt about what she wants.

“Here? Now?” Sonnett questions, but it’s not really a question. She sees the want in Lindsey’s eyes. When she gets like this, all focused and determined, there’s really no changing her mind. Not that Sonnett wants to change Lindsey’s mind…

Lindsey continues tugging Sonnett with her as she backs up, until she’s up against the cinder block side of the building and Sonnett’s kissing her. She flips them, pressing Sonnett into the rough wall, her hands in the shorter woman’s hair, protecting her head as she kisses her hungrily. 

“Linds… curfew- ”

“Shh.” Emily’s not wrong. But with one hand already palming her breast, her mouth hot on Emily’s neck, she doesn’t really care right now. Lindsey’s other hand trails down Emily’s side. She rubs her thumb along Emily’s hipbone and Emily almost buckles. She pins Emily there with her own hip, teasing her hand lower and lower along the waistband of her low-slung sweatpants. 

“Have to get back downstairs.” Sonnett’s protest is weak; they both know that. And she’s breathing faster, already so worked up after not being properly touched in over a month.

“We can be fast,” Lindsey promises, and judging by the dampness she can feel through Emily’s underwear, that’s accurate. “Just let me.” She nudges Emily’s underwear out of the way, finally getting to appreciate how wet she is. 

Emily pushes herself into Lindsey’s hand. “Fuck- just- ” She’s too flustered to form a complete sentence.

The little whine in Emily’s voice throws Lindsey off for a split second, drawing her attention to the heat between her own legs. But as promised, Lindsey doesn’t take her time, easily sliding two fingers inside. Emily bites down on the top of her shoulder, and Lindsey’s thankful there’s a layer of fabric between Emily’s teeth and her skin. “You were so good tonight, baby. So fucking good,” her voice is raw in Emily’s ear and she immediately feels Emily rhythmically tightening around her fingers in response. 

Sonnett thinks she’s going to lose it right there, hearing those three words. Lindsey’s fingers do almost nothing compared to what those words do for her. They make her obscenely horny, panting on the verge of orgasm. She feels heat throughout her body, but especially in her cheeks. Those words have the same effect on her that Lindsey’s lips against her neck had the first time. Overwhelming in the best way. Sometimes, she wonders if Lindsey knows exactly what she’s doing when she talks as she fucks her.

“I’m so proud of you, Em.” Emily can’t hold back a moan that fills the quiet of the night. “Fuck, I love the way you sound,” Lindsey whispers. Emily coming in her hand shouldn’t bring Lindsey so close to the edge, but knowing she’s responsible for those sounds is an incredible feeling that she doesn't think she'll ever get over.

They miss curfew, but no one who matters catches them. Except Rose. And now she has her coffee paid for for the remainder of their trip.

* * *

Watching Kelley walk off the field with her head hanging while everyone else celebrates hurts Emily’s heart. They won their semifinal against the Netherlands in a shootout, and there are hugs and celebrations going on around her. But after the initial dogpile on top of Alyssa is over, Kelley is enough to distract Emily from all of that. Enough to distract her from Alyssa’s awesome saves, from Lindsey’s banger of a PK, and from the fact that she’s now played 210 straight minutes without giving up a goal. This isn’t how Kelley deserves to go out, on a stiff ankle, on repeated failed mobility tests, unable to get fully cleared, on a missed PK after being subbed on in stoppage time for that purpose expressly. Most people would say a gold medal is a gold medal, but Emily knows Kelley isn’t most people and winning one that she doesn’t feel like she deserves will haunt her, especially when this is looking more and more like the end of her national team career. The apprentice slowly replacing the teacher.

“Does it hurt?” Emily asks cautiously approaching Kelley and placing a gentle hand on her back. Her eyes fall to Kelley’s lips as she bites down hard to stop the trembling.

“No. I just don’t have full plantar flexion," Kelley finally manages to say. "They won’t even talk to me about playing until I do, so…” Kelley throws her hands up almost in defeat. “And after I missed that, who can blame them? I can’t even make a fucking PK.”

Sonnett feels Kelley’s emotional pain like it’s her own, from all the years she hardly got off the bench. She feels it the same way she felt it when Lindsey didn’t play much in France. She hurts for her people, but she wouldn't want it any other way. “I just don’t understand why if it’s not painful…”

“Yeah, me neither, Sonnett,” Kelley tone is biting, and Sonnett can tell she instantly feels bad about it. “If I could will more mobility into my ankle, trust me, I would. It’s not mental. It just won’t…” Her voice trails off and Emily can tell how hard she’s trying to not get visibly frustrated, so she drops it and gives Kelley a big hug. Kelley hangs on like she doesn’t want Sonnett to let go, twisting her hands in Sonnett’s jersey. “Don’t say it, Son. Don’t say it’s gonna be ok,” Kelley mumbles, reading her mind. Sonnett doesn’t. She knows what it feels like for people to say things are going to be ok when they’re not. And she knows there’s no way to fix this.

* * *

Lindsey is hanging out in Rose and Sonnett’s room during their down time to give Kelley a chance to be alone. They’ve all been watching the beach volleyball semifinals, lounging around the room. “Sucks this is an all-American semi-final,” Lindsey points out, head resting on Sonnett’s stomach like it’s a pillow.

“I can’t believe Kerri Walsh is still playing. She’s freaking old! I’ve been watching her since I was a kid!” Sonnett says in amazement.

“The Carli of beach volleyball,” Lindsey laughs, “but she seems less annoying. ”

“God she’s so hot,” Rose mumbles under her breath, and they both turn to her, mouths wide open. 

“Kerri Walsh?” Sonnett asks tentatively, confused. “She could be your mom almost.”

“No,” Rose says, like it’s obvious. “Alix. She’s like a supermodel.”

Neither of them know how to respond to that. Finally Lindsey says “She’s like a foot taller than you, Rose.” 

“I don’t care,” Rose says, her eyes not leaving the TV.

“Um, I think she’s straight,” Sonnett adds, because _that_ seems more important than the height discrepancy.

“How do you know?” Rose eyes narrow as she turns to Sonnett.

“Gaydar,” Sonnett supplies.

“Hmpf,” Rose turns back to the TV seemingly unconvinced, and Sonnett and Lindsey stare at each other in shock. 

“Rose…” Lindsey says slowly, and Rose grunts at her, like Lindsey’s interrupting her TV time. “Is there something you want to tell us?”

“Nope,” Rose pops the p, and doesn’t even look at them.

“Is she?” Lindsey mouths and Sonnett throws up her hands. “What about your gaydar?” Lindsey whispers.

“Stop talking about me,” Rose says so matter-of-factly that they think she’s kidding.

“Rose…” Sonnett starts, but then Rose glares at her so she shuts up because Rose can be scary. “So… Kelley’s ankle…” she changes the subject. “She says it doesn’t hurt, but she’s still limping.”

“It’s mental,” Lindsey says. “I mean, I’m sure she has old scar tissue, but there’s no way more formed that fast. Has to be mental.”

“Rose, what do you think?”

“I dunno,” Rose shrugs. “It’s weird that it doesn’t hurt her. Maybe she has a crazy high pain tolerance.”

Sonnett stares at the ceiling, hands behind her head, lost in thought. Even Lindsey drumming on her thigh doesn’t really draw her thoughts elsewhere.

“Why are you so concerned about it?” Lindsey asks. “This isn’t because you’re doubting yourself, right Em? Please tell me it’s not. You’ve been playing so well.”

“No, it’s not. Promise,” Emily assures her. “I’m excited to play. An Olympic final. Like, who could have ever guessed.” Not Emily Sonnett, that’s for sure. She never let herself dream of any of it. Not stepping out onto the field with her girlfriend in a knockout game. Not being on the _field_ for the anthem, instead of the sideline. Not being such an integral part of the team that if they win, this time, she’ll feel like she deserves that medal placed around her neck. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, maybe. It’s Kelley’s third, but it’s her first. Could be her only. She still doesn’t feel like a roster lock the way Kelley has been for so long. She wonders if she’ll ever feel so solid that her place on the team is guaranteed, so safe that she won’t have pace nervously around her apartment waiting for a call before every camp.

_Mental_, she keeps saying to herself. _What if it really is mental_? It can’t be that Kelley’s scared of re-injuring it, she doesn’t give a flying fuck about blowing her ankle out completely at this point. 

“Maybe her brain is subconsciously trying to protect her ankle from re-injury?” Lindsey suggests. “After I had knee surgery and was totally physically healed, my mind still thought I wasn’t. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it happens.”

“So what did you do about it?”

“More physical therapy. Sport psychologist.” 

There’s no time for that. But if it is mental, that means there’s a way to outwit Kelley’s mind, and Emily’s determined to figure out how. 

“We should try to meet the volleyball players at the closing ceremonies,” Rose interrupts. 

“What the fuck, Rose?” Lindsey looks at her, still confused.

“You were dating Sonnett and you didn’t tell me. I owe you nothing.”

* * *

Sonnett pulls her hoodie farther over her head as she walks out of the team hotel and crosses the street to the hotel where most of the families are staying. They’re at the point of the tournament where they’re supposed to be in lockdown, focused only on themselves and the task at hand. But Sonnett’s hatched a plan and she can’t complete it on her own, so it’s worth the risk of sneaking out of her hotel and into the one next door to find her sister.

The first person she sees is Alyssa’s girlfriend. “What are you doing here? Alyssa said you weren’t coming.”

“She doesn’t know I’m here. What are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for my sister.”

“Oh the joys of y’all not having phones. She said she was going sightseeing today.”

“Fuck. I needed a favor.”

“What kind of favor?”

Sonnett describes her plan. She needs some sort of salve, its actual purpose unimportant as long as it smells medicinal and the label is in Japanese so Kelley can’t read it. She explains that she’s going to convince Kelley that it’s good for blood flow. Healing. Magic. How the Japanese players stay so healthy. If she just uses it overnight, she’ll wake up and be good to go. And in her head, it’ll work just like a sugar pill. It’s not her best idea. It’s not a good idea, even. In fact, if she told anyone, they’d tell her how stupid it is. Even as she’s saying it now, she realizes her sister probably would have refused to be complicit in this insanity. 

But Nic doesn’t tell her it’s absurd, so at least if she’s thinking it, she keeps it to herself. “I can do that. On one condition.”

“Name it,” Emily says excitedly.

“You never saw me.”

“Deal.”

“I’m in 1607. Give me a couple hours.”

“You’re the best!”

Before dinner, Sonnett sneaks back across the street. She ducks into the elevator and heads up to Nic’s room. Shifting her weight anxiously, she knocks and waits for the door to open. Inside, Nic shows her two containers. One is more commercialized, like what would be sold at a drug store. The other is in a glass container, homemade, from a small market, with only a sticker of a tag listing ingredients in Japanese. “This is perfect,” she says, choosing the homemade one. “What is it, really?”

“The lady said lotion, but I don’t know for sure.”

“Well hopefully, whatever it is, it doesn’t burn her skin off,” Sonnett says nervously. “Thanks. So much.”

“Yep, you’re welcome. I guess. I mean, I don’t know how things work with your team. Maybe I shouldn’t have been a participant in this because it seems…”

“Stupid?”

“I was going to say ill-conceived.”

“I know, but Kelley’s the reason why I’m even on the team still. She was there for me when I stopped getting called into camp. She talked me through all her struggles and mine. She trained with me in Georgia every time she was home. She never let me give up on myself. I owe it to her to give a better ending than this.”

Nic shrugs. “Hope it works. And I hope whoever’s the best player on game day is the one who plays. But, uh, I didn’t come all the way over here to not have a happy reunion with my girlfriend, so make sure you still win?”

Sonnett nods somberly. She still doesn’t know what to do, and now she’s second-guessing herself more than before. “Hey,” Sonnett says, turning back when she reaches the door. “Seriously, thanks for this. Also, um, Alyssa’s not going to be able to put you on her after party list if you don’t tell her you’re here. Or... I can put you down as my guest if you want, cause otherwise, you’re not gonna get in.” 

Sonnett jogs back across the street, stashing the jar and hustling down to dinner in time to file in with the stragglers, with no one any wiser to her scheme.


	57. Heart of Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Shoulda Been a 5th Gold Medal Day.

Emily’s not sure if it's the banging on the door or Rose hitting her in the face with a pillow that wakes her up first, but either way, she stumbles of bed and goes to open it, assuming it’s Lindsey having an early morning pre-final meltdown. 

It’s not.

“Sonny! It worked!” Kelley pushes her way into the room only to get hit in the face by Rose’s other pillow. “Your voodoo witch doctor shit worked. I just passed my eval. Full ROM. I’m cleared, y’all.” Her voice is triumphant in a way that makes Emily feel mostly relieved that her ill-conceived plan wasn't so ill-conceived after all.

“Good, now go the fuck back to sleep,” Rose mumbles, and then covers her head with the blankets, but not before she makes sure to add an overly dramatic sigh. 

“It’s not that early, Rose,” Kelley tosses her pillow back onto her bed and plops down on Emily’s. “Tell Emma thanks for me. I really doubted you, but…” she shrugs.

“So you’re starting then?” Emily asks, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“Oh, no. It’s too late to be making changes like that last minute. Besides, you’ve been killing it out there. I’m just glad I’m better. Maybe I can get a few pity minutes at the end at least now.”

Pity minutes. The fact that Kelley’s been so low she’s excited about the possibility of being subbed in in stoppage time is heartbreaking considering the career she’s had. Emily sinks back against her pillow. It’s not that she doesn’t want to play – she does – but she also wants Kelley to play, and those two things are mutually exclusive. It means something to her that Vlatko knows Kelley is good to go and is still starting her. It means a lot, actually. Never in a million years would she have believed it if someone had told her she’d be starting in an Olympic final over _the_ Kelley O’Hara. It means a lot to be starting alongside Lindsey, too. She’s worked for two decades for this moment. She knows she can do it. And, sure, she’s nervous about it. But good nervous. Normal nervous. Not _I_ _need to hatch a plan to get out of the starting lineup _nervous.

It’s just… she’s got time for another Olympics, maybe even two, if she’s lucky.

Most likely.

Probably.

Statistically speaking.

One for sure. Right? Right.

She can’t help that it’s in her nature to be selfless. She can’t help that this singular characteristic overpowers her ability to think logically. It’s a product of being raised right. Or wrong, depending on outlook. She knows everyone would disagree with her, but she can’t help who she is at her core. Right or wrong. Good or bad. She’s worked through a lot of the not-so-good, but she is her mother’s daughter, and her mother, with everything she gave up for her and Emma, was selfless if nothing else.

* * *

She catches Kelley’s eye on the bench, and that distinct look of sadness breaks Emily’s heart. All day, Emily’s been so unsure of what to do, but in this moment, the second half just underway, she’s certain. It’s not her place, but then again, none of this was. Maybe no one else has any faith that Kelley is still Kelley, but she does. Kelley would give anything to be on the pitch and will give her all for this team, for another medal, for one more chance to play on this kind of stage, because it’s what everything that she’s gone through has been for. Intangibles matter. Emily knows this better than anyone. If they didn’t matter, she wouldn’t have been in France a year ago. Vlatko’s just so numbers-oriented that sometimes he misses what really should count. It’s a like-for-like substitution, Emily reasons; there won’t be any drop off in play with Kelley coming on. No added risk, of this Emily’s sure. She’d never so carelessly jeopardize what they all worked so hard for if she wasn’t certain. Besides, realistically, Kelley will provide more offense, and they need to break that 0-0 tie. They’ve been playing fine, dominating even, but they aren’t quite in their offensive groove. Marta’s kept her pinned back on one side and Debinha’s been pushed up so high Crystal hasn’t been able to get anything going in the attack – Kelley makes sense. The coaches just can’t see past her injury. 

Brazil’s throw-in sails over both her and Marta and it’s a foot race down the sideline. She gains one step on Marta, slides, plays the ball out across the touch line, and stays down.

At first, no one thinks anything of it. No one rushes to her side. Sonny never stays down. Lindsey’s the first one to realize something’s wrong, and when she does, she sprints to Sonny’s side. Then Tobin, from across the field, arrives and almost pushes Lindsey out of the way to kneel down and see what’s going on. Becky and Alyssa, who really weren’t worried at first, crowd around her. In the cracks between the bodies circling her, she sees Kelley up on the sideline. By the time the trainer’s at her side, Kelley’s warming up. By the time she’s being helped up, she sees Kelley getting last-minute instructions from Erica.

“You got this, Kell!” she shouts as Kelley sprints onto the field.

Calf strain. 

51st minute.

She’s done.

By her own hand.

If she’s honest with herself, she thought that convincing Lindsey would be the hardest part of the whole thing, but Lindsey’s so worried about her, following her to the sideline, that she knows she’s done a believable job. “I’m fine, Linds. It’s just my calf, it’s not a knee. I’m fine. Go kick some ass!”

She watches Lindsey hustle back onto the field, relief evident on her face and in her body language, and she sits down on the bench, letting the trainer wrap an ice bag around her calf.

Ten minutes later, she feels like a fucking genius. Kelley breaks free on the flank, her cross flies over Rose’s head, and Lindsey slams it home. Emily loses her shit on the bench until a trainer gives her the side eye, but she doesn’t sit back down until Lindsey eventually makes her way over to celebrate. “Keep going!” Emily yells in her ear over the crowd, still going crazy.

Rose is subbed out a few minutes later. She plops down on the bench a few feet from Emily. Once she catches her breath, she looks Emily dead in the eye. “Emily Sonnett doesn’t pull muscles,” she says, showing absolutely no emotion, and Emily can’t get a read her. She turns away to watch the game without another word. That’s not entirely true because she pulled a muscle in the 2018 semifinal, but it’s true enough that she wonders if Rose has real doubts.

In the 76th minute, Alex chases down a through ball from Sam. Back in form, she touches the ball around the charging Brazilian keeper and makes the finish look easy. They’re starting to feel untouchable, but a few passes from the kickoff, Lindsey is called for a foul outside the box, and Marta’s free kick is brilliant, beating Alyssa in the upper 90.

They manage to survive the ensuring onslaught and hang on, and Emily doesn’t even charge out onto the field when the final whistle blows. In retrospect, it was a good decision considering she was supposed to be too injured to sprint, but really, she just needs a moment to take it in. It’s perfection. Lindsey scoring. Alex scoring the winning goal on the eight-year anniversary of the miracle goal she scored against Canada in stoppage time of overtime, proving to anyone who doubted her that she’s back, Kelley getting to play _and_ getting an assist. Lindsey slams into her, having weaved around every single person who tried to hug her on her way to Emily. She wanted to be first.

“Are you really ok?” she asks, and it kind of shocks Emily a little that they just won a fucking gold medal, and that’s the first thing Lindsey would say. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna be fine,” Emily assures her. 

Lindsey hugs her, satisfied that she’s not broken and can’t be hurt further. “That was supposed to be us,” Lindsey says into Emily’s neck, a little sad. And Emily gets it, but she doesn’t really feel sadness about it because there’s no way to know whether she would have played that same ball into the box. Or if she would have even been able to get free. Sometimes, things go according to plan. Sometimes, they work out the way they’re supposed to. This is one of those times.

“Love you,” Emily whispers, even though there’s no way anyone could hear her in the stadium that’s still rocking. 

Lindsey lifts her off her feet, swinging her around. “We fucking did it!” Lindsey screams, finally letting go of everything to celebrate.

“We fucking did it!” Emily echoes. “Now put me down because I’m about to kiss you.”

“You can kiss me if you want.”

Emily thinks about it for a second. She wants to. She really doesn’t even care what anyone thinks anymore, but she just wants to keep the world out of their lives for a little while longer. “I will kiss you until we fall asleep later. Or whatever else you want. Golden Boot winners get whatever they want,” Emily winks at her.

* * *

“Sonnett.” Kelley’s voice is a hiss The hand she puts on Sonnett’s shoulder is squeezing, and not in a nice way. Emily turns around, separating herself slightly from Lindsey’s arm around her waist. “I need to talk to you.”

“Yeah, later,” Emily says, turning back to her sister and stepping back into Lindsey’s arm. “We celebrating!” Emily tries to say it lightly, tries to smile, tries to pretend that Kelley will actually walk away and bring the conversation up later, because with one word, Emily knew that Kelley knows. 

“Now.” And the way she says it, Emily knows she’s pissed and knows this is not going to go well. She considers _not_ going with Kelley, but then she thinks that Kelley’s probably mad enough to call her out right here in front of Lindsey, and she’d rather avoid that. It all worked out in the end, but she can only imagine what Lindsey’s reaction will be if she finds out that Sonnett gave up her spot on the field to the woman she used to sleep with. It’s going to be a whole argument about Sonnett still having feelings for Kelley, and she doesn’t want that. Not tonight. Tonight doesn’t need that kind of damper on it. Besides, this hurt no one. And it had nothing to do with Emily’s past with Kelley, so she doesn’t feel like she’s lying by omission keeping it from her. There are just some things that don’t need to be brought up. Sonnett doesn’t react fast enough for Kelley’s liking, and Kelley grabs her by the ear.

“Ow, ow, ow!” Sonnett whines as she’s dragged away, and Lindsey just kind of laughs at her, then goes back to talking to Emma. “Shit, Kell, I’m coming. Let go!”

Kelley glares at her, drops her ear, and grabs her arm, dragging her around the corner, and shoves her against the wall. 

“I don’t think my girlfriend would like this,” Sonnett tries again to lighten the mood.

It doesn’t work. “What the fuck did you do, Sonnett?”

“I don’t think your girlfriend would like this either.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Kelley stops herself from yelling, but only because she doesn’t want anyone to hear. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Kelley shoves her again.

“Ow! I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m a gold medalist now, and really you shouldn’t- ”

“You think I don’t have Japanese friends after all the time I’ve played in the league? That shit you gave me for my ankle is for congestion!”

Emily starts laughing, quietly at first, trying not to, but she can’t hold it in, and before she knows it, she’s cackling, almost doubled over. 

“It’s not fucking funny, Sonnett!”

“It kinda is. We thought it was lotion,” Sonnett says, trying to catch her breath.

“We, who is we? Emma? Or did Lindsey know about this?”

“What? Oh hell no. She knows nothing about this. She’d fucking kill me!”

“I’m gonna fucking kill you!” Kelley says, just so Emily knows that would be worse.

“Unlikely. You got an assist in the gold medal game. That medal around your neck is because of me. Because you played. You’re welcome.” Emily tries to walk past her, but Kelley doesn’t budge.

“Are you even fucking hurt?”

Sonnett shrugs. “You got another medal. Everything worked out. Just hush. And also, keep your mouth shut. Please and thanks.” Kelley just glares at her, and she’s really unsure if Kelley will keep her mouth shut. “Kell, come on” she pleads. “You can’t be mad about this.” But Kelley’s face says she can’t decide if she’s mad or not. “You remember when I almost threw all of this away and you literally dragged me back to camp?”

“How could I ever forget?” Kelley clenches and unclenches her jaw.

“_You_ gave me this moment. You gave me Lindsey back and soccer and this medal and everything that makes me happy and makes me me.”

“Well, it was Tobin, too,” Kelley mumbles, but when she looks back up at Emily, there are tears in her eyes. 

“I owed you. I may owe you forever. You just needed a little push to get better, and a little good fortune to get into the game.”

“Son, this could have gone disastrously bad,” Kelley wipes at her eyes so Sonnett won’t see her full on crying.

“I wouldn’t have done it if it was gonna go bad, Kell. I earned this damn medal. I wasn’t going home without it. Can I please go back now? I’ve got beers to drink and dances to dance and a girlfriend to- ” Kelley pushes her back towards Lindsey. “So rude!” Sonnett exclaims. Kelley’s about to let her go, but she pulls Emily into a hug. “Damnit, Kell, you’re about to break my fucking ribs.”

“Shut up. I love you, Sonny. You’re an idiot. You’re insane. I don’t even understand how your brain works the way it works. But you have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, and I fucking love you. Lindsey’s a lucky woman.”

“K. Remind her of that next time she’s mad at me.”

Kelley chuckles. “Also, we’re even.”

* * *

“Oh fuck, babe. Fuck yes!” Lindsey moans, arching up off the bed.

“You’re a gold medalist, baby,” Emily pulls her mouth away from Lindsey to remind her, for probably the tenth time tonight.

Lindsey digs her fingers into Emily’s scalp. “Em, I swear to god, if you keep stopping…”

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence because Emily’s tongue shuts her up again. Or at least leaves her at a loss for words. She’s certainly not quiet.

The familiar click of the key card unlocking the door makes them freeze, and Lindsey’s able to throw the covers over both of them just in time. “Whatthefuck?” she says, not even trying to hide her exasperation. She was so close. Kelley stands in the doorway, smirking at her. 

“Kelley?” Emily mumbles against her thigh, unable to see.

“Uh-huh.”

“Kell, get out of our room!” Emily yells at her, still between Lindsey’s legs, with no plan to move anytime soon.

“My room,” Kelley corrects her. “You can go back to your room. Fuck Lindsey with Rose in there, if you want.”

“Oh Jesus fucking Christ, Kelley!” Lindsey covers her face with a pillow, and Sonnett sticks her head out from under the covers. “What are you doing here? Go back to your girlfriend’s hotel. We talked about this.”

“We did,” Kelley concedes, “But that’s before I knew where this one was staying. Tell them, honey.”

Kam sighs. “I thought it would be really cool to stay in one of those pod hotels.”

“And was it cool?” Kelley asks, annoyed.

“It was so cool, until I wanted to get my girlfriend into bed and then it was not cool.”

“Not cool,” Kelley confirms.

“Go downstairs and get your own room,” Emily says ducking back under the covers and kissing Lindsey’s inner thigh. It’s enough to make Lindsey start squirming. 

“Tried. Believe me, I don’t want to be in here with you two naked. No rooms, here or next door.”

“Oh, fuck!” Emily yells from under the covers and she throws them back so she can lay next to Lindsey, almost uncovering them both.

“Don’t act like you’re the only one upset about this,” Kelley scolds her. “Do you know how long it’s been since we've had sex?”

“Shut up, Kelley, y’all fucked in the bathroom at the party. We’ve behaved this whole time,” Emily lies, and Lindsey snorts, trying to go along with it. 

“Well, by all means, keep doing whatever it was you were doing. Don’t let us interrupt,” Kelley grins, staring Sonnett down, and Lindsey looks at her like she’d actually consider it. Sonnett had her up against the wall in that same bathroom just a few hours ago, but all it did was get her more worked up and needing this right now.

“Look, the way I see it,” Kam interjects, “is you two have slept together and you two are sleeping together, and really, this doesn’t have to be weird. We can just turn the lights off and be quiet and mind our own business and never speak of tonight again.”

“Lindsey can’t be quiet,” Sonnett chimes in at the same time Kelley suggests “Or we could just have a foursome.” 

Lindsey chokes. 

Sonnett laughs. 

Kam pushes Kelley. 

“What? No? Fine. Well, if we’re not being quiet, we should make this a competition.”

“Oh my god,” Kam complains. “If I wanted to date a guy, I would.”

“You’d lose if we made this a competition,” Lindsey assures Kelley, and Emily snuggles against her, proud, and with a huge smile.

They end up ordering room service, bust open every bottle in the mini fridge, and when they finish those, Kelley and Emily run back downstairs to grab another 18 pack of Bud and a case of water from the ballroom that served as their celebration headquarters. With the replay of their game on in the background, they play Truth or Dare, which devolves into strip poker, and thankfully one of them (Emily) has enough sense to stop it before drunk Kelley, who cannot play cards drunk to save her life, loses her last article of clothing. 

Lindsey grumbles about Emily spoiling her fun.

Kam throws an empty water bottle at Emily for ruining her chance to finally get Kelley naked.

Drunk Kelley feigns indignation at their responses and profusely thanks Sonnett for defending her honor in her inebriated state.

“You posed for the Body Issue,” Kam rolls her eyes, “you don’t give a damn who sees you naked.”

They re-dress and have drunk relay races in the hallway, trying to balance beers on their heads. That wakes up Rose and Sam, who join in. When beer proves too messy, they call room service again and ask for oranges and spoons, and race balancing those until Carli comes out and yells at them. They probably should have stopped when Sonny tripped and almost chipped her tooth on her medal. 

When the light starts creeping in through the curtains, they decide it’s finally time to go to sleep, thankful that they have a few more days in Tokyo for the Closing Ceremonies and don’t have to catch an early am flight like they did to make it to the ESPYs on time after the World Cup. 

“This might be the most fun night I’ve ever had,” Lindsey says sleepily.

“Definitely top five,” Kelley slurs. 

"I cannot believe this is the shit you do when you're on the road," Kam snorts. "You’re all a bunch of children."

“So much fun,” Emily yawns. She’s about to say they should do it again in three more years in Sydney for the World Cup, when it hits her that in three years, Kelley won’t be there with them. “Proud of you, Kell,” Emily says from across the room. “You, too, baby,” she whispers in Lindsey’s ear. And then, with all the energy she has left to muster, and loud enough for their teammates on either side to hear, she yells, “My girlfriend won the Golden Boot! And you can’t win a championship without the mother freaking gays!”


End file.
